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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I'll Take Locking Your Boss in a Bathroom Stall for $100, Alex

A repost, as last night was the last night of working on The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats are Up to No Good.  Wheeee!  They'll be ready to order in time for Christmas

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to play everyone’s favorite administrative assistant game “Bring Me A Rock”!

The rules are simple. Your boss will ask you for a rock. You will bring her a rock, and she will ask if you can find a bigger rock. You will then bring her a bigger rock, whereupon she will ask if it only comes in black and can you get one in red? You will then find one in red and she will want to know if there are any other shades of red, and sure as heck, you will go looking for another rock in a shade you hope she likes.

Turns out you can get that particular rock in another shade of red and prematurely congratulate yourself on your resourcefulness. Surely you are an executive admin of the highest order. You bring it to her quite full of admiration for yourself.

She loves it. Now this is the kind of rock she was talking about!

Can you get six more of them before the 3:00 meeting?

Take your time. There’s no rush.

It is at this point that you will either 1.) burst into tears, 2.) go out for lunch and not come back, 3.) be promoted to CEO, or 4.) knock yourself out getting her what she started describing hours ago but couldn’t elaborate on properly.

Today’s Bring Me a Rock game?

Can You Get Me That One Report?

“Hi, Pearl. Can you get me that one report except updated?”

“Sure. Which report would that be?”

“The one you ran last Thursday. Oops! Gotta go! Just e-mail it to me!”


Hmmm. I ran five reports Thursday, a wide array of reports ranging from the you-just-click-here kind of report to the I-can-recreate-this-report-for-you-but-I’ll-need-a-gallon-of-top-grade-motor-oil-a-masseur-and-a-passport kind of report.

Crossing our fingers, we run the click-here report.

Ha ha ha. Foolish mortal. That is not the report.

You try again, calling her. Which report was it? What kind of information are you looking for?

Oh, you know. I’m looking for week-over-week comparison between factored and unfactored pipeline, preferably by alphabetical order of the client’s home office’s state capital and cross-referenced by the salesman’s shoe size.

Oh, and if we could have the currencies listed in dollars, euros, and those giant stone coins, that would be great.

Oh that report.

So when you come looking for me, and I do hope you will come looking for me, I will be either 1.) weeping copiously in the women’s bathroom, 2.) walking down the middle of Nicollet daring a bus to hit me, or 3.) sitting at Nye’s Pollanaise at the piano bar singing John Denver tunes with my new best friends.

Thanks for playing “Bring Me A Rock”!


savannah said...

sweet mary sunshine, sugar! i remember those days and i wish you well! the only upside to working for the guy who's last name i share is that he KNOWS he can't get away with that of stuff with me. because he knows I WILL WAKE HIM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT! and i don't care where he is in this wide, wide world of sports! (can you tell i just watched blazing saddles?) xoxoxoxo

Shelly said...

This inspired me to copy some of my favorite actual quotes from managers all over the nation:

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
-- Lykes Lines Shipping

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
-- Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
-- Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
-- Plant manager, Delco Corporation

Shelly said...

And I forgot to add- hooray about the book!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Put me on the list for that book. Consider this a pre order. No, you know the one, the one with the writing on the cover..no no..pink writing..with curliques...the title???? Oh would that help? Seriously, as soon as they are ready, I want one.

Susan Williams said...

Rocks, at times, do not rock.
And neither do some bosses.
Retroactive hugs.
Excited about your book!
My! Haven't you been the productive one???

Pearl said...

Savannah, one of my favorite movies, bless Mel's soul...

Thanks, Shelly! Love the quotes -- they make me happy.

Delores, I know EXACTLY the one! :-)

Susan, Productive? I've actually been quite firm with myself. I'll no longer accept the dilly-dallying that I'd become accustomed to. Oh, I was harsh, but I think I got the message!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Pulling a rabbit out of a hat - yeah, I have done that. No more. I am just a mere mortal now.

Let us know when that book will be out. You know, the one Delores described, the one with binding.

Geo. said...

I clicked on Nye’s Pollanaise. The accordionist looks upset and the drummer only has one stick but I was most impressed. I too would go there to escape a bad boss. Delightful post!

bill lisleman said...

You describe this game with the skill of a long time player. I've played the home version a few times with my wife.

joeh said...


Daisy said...

Ha! I'll come sing John Denver songs with you. :) Congratulations on your book! How exciting!

Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog.

vanilla said...

I so hope the people you work with are not typical of the world of business and commerce.

fishducky said...

I want that book, too. No. not that one--the other one!!

Pearl said...

Starting Over, ah. The book with the binding! And the fonts and margins, right? :-)

Geo, Nye's is a delight and was actually featured on that Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives show. I work there about once every two months. :-)

bill, I love that. "the home version".

joeh, play along, won't you?!

Hi, Daisy! Can we have drinks to? I sing better when you've been drinking!

esbboston said...

I only fly QANTAS. They take giant stone coins, as weLL as stoned passengers who have enough coins.

chlost said...

Yes! John Denver songs...the best songs to sing away the world. I'll meet you there.
And congratulations on the last night working. On the book.

Pearl said...

vanilla, I'd like to say there's a wee bit of exaggeration, but I'd be lying...

esb, but you'll order a book, right? :-)

chlost, yes. Now I can start editing the other two books. :-) There might be something wrong with me...

Joanne Noragon said...

I'm growing accoustomed to children remembering all the items they have been assigned to bring to school, one at a time, as the store closes or the source dies. I've forgotten that managment is identical.

Pearl said...

Joanne, some of them never outgrow it...

Roshni AaMom said...

another book!!! you rock!!! :D

Kana said...

Oh, Shelly...those quotes made me happysad.

Pearl - I've been thinking of burning my establishment to the ground; wanna trade, to improve alibis? I’ll kill your paperpile if you kill mine.

River said...

Next time she asks for six more red rocks by 3pm just smile sweetly and say you'll have them delivered, then charge the cost to the company. In real terms this means get your minions to do the searching and assign each of them a report to send.
You do have minions, right?

Eva Gallant said...

You know I'm going to have to have one of your books!!!

Gigi said...

Your book will be my Christmas present to me!

Yes, I've played the "Bring Me a Rock" game on many an occasion. All I can do now is sigh, once it starts. I don't even have the energy to go cry in the ladies room.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

So you're reading George R. Martin..... My question is, where did he get all those words??????? I ploughed thru all five books and got to the "to be continued" last line and totally gave up! This man has moved into another world and I don't think he has plans to ever come back.

NYEMT said...

I vote for the John Denver tunes. Marginally more sanitary than the ladies' room, marginally less permanent than bus tag. You could compile a report on it when you sober up. ;)

HermanTurnip said...

The way I think about these things is: Is there overtime involved? Heck, count me in!

I used to fret about being overworked, but I quickly realized that I'm getting paid time-and-a-half to sit at a desk and type random instructions into a computer. Not a bad gig, all things considered.

Now, if I was forced to be on my feet for 10+ hours a day, then I'd be upset.

jenny_o said...

Oh, we WILL come looking for you, and I for one hope you're singing Country Roads, Take Me Home and selling copies of your book from the bar :)

Pre-order me one as well, please?

Stephanie Pounds said...

Excited to hear about your book! Do you take giant stone coins?

The Elephant's Child said...

The bar option sounds about right to me.
And, please add me to the book list.

Roses said...

Are you sure we don't work for the same company?

Because that sure looks like one of several similar conversations I've had over the last two weeks.

It's driven me to gin in my despair.

jabblog said...

There's no pleasing some folks;-)

Rose L said...

I'll meet you at the bar. I LOVE John Denver songs!!

Lin said...

Hey, I didn't know you work with me!! You have described my boss perfectly. Ugh.