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Thursday, October 4, 2012

And Now, A Word from Human Resources

Hello, and welcome to Acme Napkins and Grommets’ Quarterly State of the Business Meeting.

We here at Acme Grommets and Napkins appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past few years. The current economic downturn has been hard on all of us; and we value both your commitment to the firm and your willingness to embrace pay rates first considered “livable” during the Industrial Revolution. I, personally, have been forced to not only cut the delivery of fresh flowers for the executive lavatories to once a week but to limit the champagne at the executive box seats at the opera to domestic only.

But we all make sacrifices, don’t we?

And frankly, that’s what today’s meeting is all about: sacrifices. Because if you’re like me – and I can see by the intense looks of unrestrained interest on your faces that you are – you will want to know how you fit in, how you can help keep this particular boat afloat as we navigate the rapids of rising costs and falling wages and how you can ensure that you and your loved ones keep a roof over your head and shoes on your feet.

It is at this point that I turn the microphone over to Dirk Hardly, VP of HR. Dirk?

Thanks, Bob. I’m here today to talk to our team members about the importance of staying positive and staying employed. As many of you know, there are plenty of opportunities available outside of Acme Grommets and Napkins for those interested in such diverse categories as curbside drug distribution, the adult entertainment industry, and whatever they’re calling those guys that stand at intersections holding the “Going Out of Business, Everything 70% Off” signs we see so often these days.

The truth is that we’re just one big family here at Acme Napkins and Grommets. Why, I started here at the same time as Pearl over there. As a matter of fact, we sat next to each other in orientation. And yet look at us! We don’t speak, we’ve never had a meal together. And that’s because we’re a family; and I am the one with the good job, the one with a child in a private school and six weeks of vacation while Pearl? Pearl is the one you call when you need something typed quickly, isn’t that right, Pearl? Ha ha. That Pearl. You can just tell by the look on her face what a sense of humor she has.

So where does that leave us? Frankly, I’m not sure. And that’s because families often don’t know what will happen next, do they? The world is a mystery. And yet you love your family, you stick with them, no matter what. Through the easy times and the hard times – but especially the hard times – we stick together, because think about it:  how would we replace you? Would we put an ad in Monster? Would we contract out to temps?

As I said, the world is a mystery.

And with that flippant and thinly veiled threat, we’ll close this meeting with HR’s motto: Who Ya Gonna Complain To?

Thanks for attending, everyone. Now let’s get out there and be productive.

33 comments:

joeh said...

Oh how I miss the corporate world and getting lectures from little snot nosed AH's!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Well, there's incentive for you. Now get back to that desk and put those ankle chains back on.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Frankly, I'm surprised they make your ankle chain long enough to reach the meeting room; meetings don't sound very productive to me. Roth x

haphazardlife said...

Shoot him. You know you want to.

Pat said...

Things can only get better.
Can't they?

ladyfi said...

I certainly don't miss comments like this over here in Sweden!

Sextant said...

A friend of my wife was an executive secretary for a small local medical supply manufacturer. One morning she received instruction to send an all employee email that the company picnic for employes had to be cancelled due to tough times. That afternoon she received instruction to renew the annual reservations for the executive box at the Steeler games.

For 35 years I heard how overtime was breaking the company and there would be no overtime this year. In the fourth quarter when executive bonuses for annual performance were being calculated, all bans on overtime were dropped.

Pearl said...

I've always been amazed at how tone-deaf HR can be. They APPEAR to be humans themselves, but how can we be sure?

TexWisGirl said...

they wryness was palpable. :)

Geo. said...

A fine composition! Fantastic but real enough to remind me why I went outdoors in 1980. It takes some skill to make me laugh about that. You managed it.

Elsie said...

I admit, I actually do miss those types of meetings right about now...

Buttons said...

Oh crap I can only imagine what he would serve for dinnerpost but. Funny but so very true my dear Pearl. We do have to support the rich they sign the checks:) B

Lisa Golden said...

Oh my word. I'm still happy to have a job (long-term unemployment will do that to you), but my socialistic blood does boil when I think of the absurd injustices perpetrated upon the workers.

And I laughed until I choked on my gum.

middle child said...

And sadly....that's too often the way it is.

Roses said...

I work in the UK branch office.

I feel your pain.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Wouldn't it be amusing if Acme Napkins and Grommets were taken over by Universal Widgets and Panty Liners and all the management got sacked...without benefits.

Sometimes capitalism works.

vanilla said...

Or, as a former boss used to tell us in "pep rallies, "(insert your title or skill here) are a dime a dozen." Or, alternately, "You were looking for work when we hired you."

Craver Vii said...

They don't deserve you, Pearl. I hope things change for the better.

Eva Gallant said...

I loved this again!

Jayne Martin said...

I never surprises me anymore when I read about a "disgruntled" or ex-employee taking an assault rifle and blowing blowing away their former work place. What does surprise me is that it doesn't happen even more often. And yet, you still find a way to see the humor in it. I'm so grateful I managed to avoid that particular hell in my life.

Paula Wooters said...

Wait... were we at the same meeting? I don't remember seeing you there, Pearl.

Stephen Hayes said...

This post drips with sarcasm. Love it!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

What they are saying is " We are all family, but some of you are in-laws."

HermanTurnip said...

Yep, corporate culture at its finest. No wonder my literary hero is Chuck Palahniuk.

jenny_o said...

Where I work there is no HR department; praise be for small businesses!

River said...

I remember "big happy family" production meetings where the bosses would urge us to "reach those goals! make those quotas!" etc then ask for input from us and I once said that these meetings were a waste of time because we were in the lunchroom sitting on our bums instead of being out on the floor "reaching those goals! making those quotas!"
Surprisingly, I didn't get fired. (Maybe because I consistently topped my quota by more than 50%)

The Elephant's Child said...

HR Departments (including the one where I used to work) make me think of Dilbert. And how charitable the cartoons were about the thinly described demons who worked (and played) in HR.

George Turnbull said...

You are in the wrong job Pearlchen!

If you are interested, there is a job going at Big Dickies Marital Aid and Plumbing Supplies store.

I believe they are offering 70% off everything and you are even allocated your very own intersection.

Scarlet Blue said...

HR? Human? Underneath that veneer of soft warm flesh, they are scaly lizards.

Sx

Mitchell is Moving said...

This would be extremely funny if it weren't so true. My last job was with a company just like that!

the walking man said...

The only meetings with management I was ever in were two kinds Staff and disciplinary.

1)the 9 or so disciplinary hearings that got me roughly 10 days a year off no pay over 9 years

2)after I became union steward the 40 or so disciplinary hearings where I repped the Pearls of the mechanic world and prevented them from getting time off...and the one time someone who will not be mentioned called an illegal work slowdown to get rid of the HR manager...he was gone in 3 weeks.

Nothing like a good staff meeting where the Boss says "Please take it easy on me Durfee" ha ha ha You never know what power you have when you actually are the one making the managers numbers look good with your output until you use it.

Ms Sparrow said...

It's especially disheartening when that mindset is extended to the federal government (don't get me started)!

bettyl said...

*shudders* That's too close to reality in those meetings!