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Thursday, September 6, 2012

You Should Hear My Plans for the Socks with the Holes in Them

When things get tough, as the saying goes, the tough get going. What we need, with wages staying the same and prices going up, are ways of making what we have last longer. With that thought in mind, let’s think outside of the box, shift the paradigm, move our cheese and engage in a host of other clich├ęs and see if we can't cut back on our waste.

This is just off the top of my head, of course, but it’s a start:
• Washing clothes.  Frankly, this is over-rated and a silly use of water. My idea?  Eat naked to avoid stains, thus prolonging the socially acceptable length of time you can wear the same pair of pants.

If stains are not your problem, but, rather, perspiration, rub yourself with those free perfume samples and see if anyone notices. Set a goal for yourself -- how many days can I wear this before I am forced by the authorities to wash them?  Once this has been established, see if you can beat that goal. Perhaps a friendly competition amongst your friends?

• Consider using the things you normally throw away.
- The water you use to boil potatoes, for instance, could be used to water your plants, wash your windows (although not well) or, for the truly eco-minded, bathe in. Add a squeeze of lemon for a fresh smell!
- Fliers, mailers, and the envelopes your bills came in can be used in a number of ways including one-of-a-kind wrapping paper, stationery, and as an extra layer of weather protection between your shirt and your jacket when you discover that you can’t afford a winter coat. 
- Consider the cooking implications of used hot-dog water. Wienie Water Soup is economical and has been overlooked for too long! Frozen in cubes, it makes an excellent soup stock.
• Turn the thermostat down in the winter and invest in cats. Free kittens are everywhere – and warm! A pile of cats on your bed is the antidote to a chilly room and far more money-saving than heating the whole house.  Feed them Wienie Water Soup and whatever may have moved into the basement.

• Do you really need a phone? Do you really need cable television? Unfortunately, the answers to these questions are “yes”. There’s nothing to be done here.  I suggest you continue to afford these things by selling some of those kittens you moved in over the winter.

• Mix your own prescription drugs. Holistic healers tell us that many remedies can be found in nature. Explore this possibility. A little tree bark, a handful of dandelions, a pinch of ants mixed with potato water and applied internally? You’ll be saying “what headache?” and “I’m comin’, ‘Lizabeth!’ in no time!

• The cost of gas just keeps going up. Ride shares, motorcycles, buses? Is this enough? Telecommuting has become more and more popular. Consider a home business, perhaps something involving the trading of leftover wienie water.



The going gets tough, and the tough get creative.

38 comments:

Shelly said...

Well, I think the naked eating thing will be a hit in some places, but it might be a little tricky on hot soup day.

I have gone beyond telecommuting and have tried teleporting, but Scotty has turned a deaf ear to me, evidently.

SherilinR said...

wienie water soup sounds massively nasty, but i suspect the cats might drink it. or if that is your family's thing, perhaps find a way to turn it into bullion and sell it on the internet. wienie bullion sold in cube or powder form, perfect for flavoring soups, mashed potatoes or casseroles.

Pearl said...

Shelly, funny. :-) Naked eating is a difficult thing, with all the puckering up here in the winter, but I'm a patriot, dagnabit! And if my country needs me to eat naked, then I shall!

Sherilin, wienie water bullion: when you're tired of the regular flavors. :-)

esbboston said...

Um, .... are you ruining for President or something? I have only read the first few lines of your speech, I mean, oopz, blog post. Returning .....

esbboston said...

Ants as medicine? Hah! On Monday I was bit by an ant for the first time in brobably forty sum years, and my foot started sweLLing ub like crazy, and hurt, oh the bain. It has also affected my tybing in the form of a virtual swoLLen tongue sound. I have to go now, someone imbortant wants to sit on me, The Hundred Bound Ball of Furr.

Pearl said...

esb, I love how that read. And me? Run for president? No. But Liza Bean is talking about it.

Frankly, I'm a little afeared.

fishducky said...

I've always thought the saying was, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping"!!!

Pearl said...

Nope! The new one is "when the going gets tough, the tough wear last year's pants. And skip dessert. And see if their friends have any old shoes..."

esbboston said...

We got in 25 minutes of snuggle time, now I have to go to work

&^(

TexWisGirl said...

wienie water and kittens for everyone!

Joanne Noragon said...

There will be so many wienies consumed that wienie factories will spring up everywhere and there will be full employment for wienies. Whoops, wienie production.

Pearl said...

esb, nice.

TexWis, I'm pretty sure someone could run on that platform and win. :-)

Joanne, I think ya got it right the first time!

Geo. said...

Surprisingly, I am already employing several of the methods you suggest but your research into the economical efficacy of weinie-water opens new vistas. Why, if only you could bottle that...wait a moment, you can! No end of commercial possibilities.

Sioux said...

Weenie water soup makes a lovely cologne as well. Dab a bit behind each ear, and dogs all over (also warm, like cats) will follow you everywhere...

Indigo Roth said...

You need gas? I may be able to help with that. I'll bring Max, he's vegetarian.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

We're thrifty here, resuing our dental floss and refusing to bathe.

jabblog said...

Socks with holes in? Carefully cut open two socks and sew together to make a balaclava or sew several together to make a really interesting scarf or waistcoat. All the more interesting if they haven't been washed for a while - mugger deterrent, way to find a seat in a crowded bus . . .

Pearl said...

Geo, children will be clamoring for a bottle of wienie water soup and we'll be rich, rich, rich!

Sioux, reminds me. I've a friend who swears that in college a roommate of hers would dab bacon grease behind her ears. Claims she ALWAYS got asked to dance. Feels the bacon had something to do with it...

Indigo, Max is a vegetarian? I didn't realize he even HAD a religion...

Green Girl, atta girl! Representin' Wisconsin!! Go sconny!!

jabblog, I like how you think!

NotesFromAbroad said...

Yeah well, eating naked is fine when you are alone but I hate having to look at some hairy chest or whatever while having tea and scones.

I don't eat meat so the weiner water is out.

I already mix my drugs and it does result in some fun or at least interesting .. shall we say, side effects ?

We walk everywhere anyway- and we don't work so I guess we can forget about worrying about gas , unless it is in the tummy after accidentally drinking wienie water.

I use used mail for grocery lists.

I refuse to wash in potato water.
A girl must have standards.

Simply Suthern said...

I am afraid you may have put a little too much faith in wienie water. While profitable at first Walmart will come in and undercut you. I hope your other back up plans work out well.

Eva Gallant said...

And without a doubt--You are creative!!

Indigo Roth said...

And while it's easy to forget when he's ranting and frothing, Max is also a Buddhist. Tho I expect that makes him some kind of Enforcer?

The Jules said...

How does one prevent, in the harshest depths of winter, being eaten by kittens.

I've heard it is a terrible death. So very . . . mewly.

Pearl said...

A Broad, I love that you have standards that preclude your washing in potato water. :-)

Simply, I'd not taken that into account. And there's not a department store on Earth that can rival Wal-Mart for people-watchin'...

Eva, I'll lick this problem yet! :-)

IR, whatever Max is, you bring him along. I suspect he's good humor, mostly.

The Jules, that made me LOL. And I rarely LOL. But death by kitty? Mewly indeed. :-)

Glen said...

Any chance of coming round your house for dinner?

Gigi said...

Wenie Water - by gum, Pearl, you are a genius!

But the idea is you market it exclusively to WalMart and then you will be golden!

The Elephant's Child said...

Eating naked could also provide future meals as food stuffs become caught in 'folds ans creases'. Urk. I am going away now to find a kitten. Who will clean those folds.

jenny_o said...

The big money will be saved by becoming your own doctor. And after you've practised your craft on yourself, it's a short step to hanging out your shingle. Start saving your popsicle sticks and pill-bottle cotton balls now :)

Sextant said...

Excellent post.

Didn't the Reagan Administration classify Weenie Water Soup as Meat / Fish / Poultry for school lunches, along with ketchup as a vegetable?

Another consideration, save the weenie juice that is in the weenie package for use as a broth when making soups or stews. Perhap freeze drying it for instant Weenie Water Soup--just add water.

In consideration of both extending clothes washing and saving gasoline, may I suggest Naked Bicycle Commuting. NBC already has a following (caution the photos leave nothing to the imagination):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Naked_Bike_Ride

I see the following advantages of NBC:

--reduced aerodynamic drag, better mileage per calorie from your weenie water soup.

--clothes will remain fresh longer, reduced washing.

--no gas required for biking.

--greater vehicle density for parking lots.

--naked biking will build social camaraderie.

--naked biking may reduce the need for dating sites. (Eliminates disappointments from fake photos).

--dry clothes at work in rainy weather.

--improved Vitamin D without supplements

--windfall profit taxes from sun block distributors.

--reduced emissions, reduced energy consumption, reduced green house gasses.

--improved fitness.

--additional usage for cats in the winter, strap them on for your commute, declawed cats highly recommended. (Note! Expect reduction of mileage per calorie due to increased aerodynamic drag from cats. Mileage will vary depending on docility of cats.)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Moldy bread for penicillin washed down with a quart of that potato water/soup base and use those holey socks for dusters. Times is tuff all over sister.

Stephen Hayes said...

Fun post, but if I'm gonna eat naked in restaurants, why do I need pants?

Rose L said...

You mean eating naked is not the norm???? I save on having to wash towels by lying out and air-drying. Also, quit washing pj's and sleep nude.
I sense a theme here...

BECKY said...

Pearl, you are so darn hilarious!! Every time I read one of your posts, I always perform the "bow" from Wayne's World and yell out loud, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" :)

River said...

I have three sets of work shirts and pants, and wear one set for a week. At the end of the three weeks I wash the lot. Ironing is only done if the shirts are still newish, old shirts are soft enough to fall straight when dried on the line.
The down side to having a bed full of cats is the extra electricity used to vacuum all the cat hair off everything.

ladyfi said...

So very funny - and creative!

If you eat in the bath, you can just hose yourself off later on in left over Wienie water.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Or just get another job, or if a woman, another husband.

deeps said...

That’s really an eco-friendly post and has many simple but useful tips…

Suldog said...

You are an absolute gem. Halfway through, I'm thinking, "I'll make a comment concerning potato water."

(I had a good one in mind. However...)

Then you went back to the potato water yourself. In addition, you dragged in wienies and their water. Anything I had to say concerning any sort of water had now become superfluous and would only be seen as gilding your lily.

Proof of your mastery of humorous writing came when I realized you had completely made me forget about the 'eating naked' part of your piece (which is where my lascivious mind would have naturally gravitated before wienies were mentioned.)

(As a master - or mistress, if you prefer - of humor, you know that there is no word able to top "wienie" for LOL value. That you used it with actual wit is reason to have your bust in the Humorous Writers Hall Of Fame, and I admire your craft so much, I won't even make the requisite joke here about the rest of your body someday being installed, too.)

Bravo (or brava, if you chose 'mistress' above.)