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Friday, September 28, 2012

One. Aw, C’mon – Just Take One…


The evil geniuses from Marketing have been working their wiles.

In other words:  snacks.

“That was the best meeting I ever ate,” George once said to me.  And in the early 90s, before austerity measures were instituted and budgets were bound and trussed like so many jealously guarded hens, the meetings were, indeed, tasty.  Meeting at 8:00?  Surely there will be bagels?  Lunch meetings?  Mmm, yes, please.

That was then, however, and this is – let me check – yes, this is now.  The stringy, slightly bitter "now", where lunch meetings are held without lunch, breakfast meetings are a sordid, bring-your-own mash-up of black bananas, instant oatmeal, and, of course, Starbucks, and the cubicle-cruisers know who has candy jars at their desks and who does not.

Which brings us to Marketing.

“Donut hole?”

Robin, a smiling, cheerful little SOB, holds out a little bucket of donut holes.

Robin provides, on her own dime, periodic snacks.

Robin is one of my favorite people.

“Take two!  Take two,” she says, jiggling the wee pail of donut bits under my chin.

What could I do?  Taking fewer than two would be insulting, don’t you think?

“Gunk-oo,” I say, my mouth full.

Several hours later, Robin appears again, her slender fingers clutching several bags of M&Ms.

“Treat?” she says.

“Dagnabit, woman!”

“What?!” she says, laughing.

She knows “what”.

“What are you trying to do to me?  I can’t afford new pants, you know!”

She sidles up to my chair, looks furtively to the left, to the right.  “Don’t tell anyone,” she hisses. 

And with that, she lifts her shirt.

And ladies and gentlemen, the woman is wearing the cleverest pair of elastic-waistband-ed pants I’ve ever seen.

I swat at her.  “Oh, go on!” I say, channeling my grandmother.  “And take your nefarious little butt-expanders with you!”

Robin laughs and moves on to her next victim.

“Treat?”

35 comments:

savannah said...

perfect morning reading, sweet pea! thanks! i will be laughing over that scene for the rest of the day! *cheers* xoxoxo

Simply Suthern said...

We have the cubicle food vendors here as well and every Thursday this one guy brings in KK Doughhnuts and Doughnut Holes.

Everybody likes him. Except maybe the hardcore Dunkin Donut folks. They only grab them when no one is looking.

Stretchy Jeans?? Now theres a thought.

vanilla said...

The elastic banded pants seem the ideal solution to an otherwise abstemious morning meeting.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I ALWAYS wore my buffet pants to work. Always!!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shelly said...

Stretchy pants...as addicting as crack.

CarrieBoo said...

Elastic is my friend. But can you get it for fingers and heads? Mmm, donut holes...

(So weird!) ;)

R. Jacob said...

I need to meet women like that!

joeh said...

Whenever I decided to lose weight, everyone in the office decided to have a birthday. If you turned down a piece of cake it "would mean bad luck for the birthday boy (girl)" That is way even today I am 20 pounds overweight.

George Turnbull said...

Unfortunately I work with people who can peel oranges in their pockets. Treats from them are few and far between, however they can detect a stick of gum at thirty paces, home in on the rustle of a snickers wrapper at fifty and target a cupcake more accurately than a laser beam at over a hundred.

I'm losing weight here and no one seems to care!

Bring some nice treats next time you pop over to my place Pearlchen ... erm, you do still pop over now and again,don't you?

esbboston said...

I would turn her in for tex-tile-ual harassment.

Daniel LaFrance said...

Dilbert would be jealous. lol

Eva Gallant said...

Love the term "cubicle cruising!" I remember those days! Now I have to buy my own snacks!

NotesFromAbroad said...

I have never had a donut hole but for some reason, I am now craving them.
I worked with people ( back in another lifetime) who would stare at you with a very puzzled look if you offered them food. .

Suldog said...

Nail - head, insofar as office snacks are concerned. I swear I'd weigh at least five pounds less if I worked from home. God bless the snackgivers, though.

SherilinR said...

nefarious little butt expanders... i love that line and can't wait for an opportunity to use it!
people offering delicious snacks should be shunned. dastardly humans.

fishducky said...

There was the time I had a box of See's chocolates & I offered one to a friend. Her response: "No, thanks, I'm not hungry." I could never understand that warped kind of thinking!

Mitchell is Moving said...

Or are they now nefarious BIG butt expanders.

Ms Sparrow said...

If it weren't for elastic waisted pants, I be reduced to wearing mu-mus!

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Elastic is good. It allows for comfortable expansion, but it can be dangerous when it snaps.

Jacquelineand.... said...

Is it bad that I once placed a bowl of wasabi peas on my desk then left for the bathroom......

People were fighting to get to the water cooler.

Kana said...

It's such a great-sounding plan: I only bring "good" food with me to work, then I'm trapped here with only good portion sizes of the right stuff, right? Cue Joe the cute doughnut guy ("I brought enough for EVERYBODY") and Miss I-Baked-Them-At-Home ("Oh, I hope they're okay...what do YOU think?")come INTO MY CUBICLE, actively foisting deliciousness onto me. "It'll go stale, otherwise!" Well, then YOU have two. Oh, all right, if you insist...*cue Cookie Monster munching noises*

jenny_o said...

I never eat work treats. Chocolates, jelly beans, baked goods, fudge -- none of it crosses my lips.

Also, I lie like a rug.

Gigi said...

Treats at the office....now there is a concept. Except working with some of the people I work with I'd be afraid to eat anything they brought in....

The Elephant's Child said...

Why am I not surprised that Robin is one of your favourite people? Since she is so generous with her deviousity (and yes I know that may not be a word) how could you resist her (or her treats).

Buttons said...

You always make me laugh. See you later I gotta go find a friend like that. B

Linda O'Connell said...

Little butt extenders...I am snorting

Tempo said...

Her plan is clear, fatten up the staff then quietly point out that SHE is the only trim, hard-working one in the place. you may have to kill her...

Leenie said...

Office snack pushers are evil.

Pat Tillett said...

“That was the best meeting I ever ate.” That is gosh darn classic. Let me tell you that I went to a meeting yesterday and the lunch they fed us was Greek. It was lamb, beef, and chicken kabobs. ALL three were overdone and dry. It was the worst meeting I ever ate...

Rose L said...

LOL-- Ah yes, I have met women like that! They say how you would look so much cuter if you just lost a few inches and then the next day bring in 5 lbs. of fudge. F-U-D-G-E!!! I cannot resist fudge!!

River said...

Nefarious little butt-expanders had me laughing!
How can you refuse M&Ms? How???
Doughnut holes, on the other hand, are okay. Everyone knows holes have no calories. It's the doughnut itself that does the damage.

BECKY said...

Pearl, you are so dagnabit funny!! You always make me Dumb(er) and Founded! :D

Sioux said...

Pearl--Elastic...the middle-aged woman's best friend.

Roshni AaMom said...

She's resourceful, that's for sure!!