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Saturday, September 1, 2012

Mom, Can I Get One of My Toes Removed?


Hey!  Guess who has a hangover?  No, really, guess!

Please enjoy this re-posting.  

Please.


Back when Australia was still drifting away from the continent and my dance card was full, i.e., my formative years, having your ears pierced even once was crazy, rebellious stuff.

But within just a couple of years of my having graduated high school, the soft pink ears of girls and boys across the country were being pierced repeatedly, loops and loops of defiance; and every group of kids since then has added to the loopage until now we are running out of places to pierce.

Ears? HA! Forget about ears. What’s it like, being so hopelessly old-fashioned? We’ve now got in public what you used to have to pay a carnie to see: pierced noses, eyebrows, lips, nipples, and belly buttons, not to mention the piercing of parts sure to ruin your good undies.

My son asked, in 10th grade, if he could get his ears pierced.

“No,” I said.

I’ve found that children enjoy quick, decisive answers.

“How about a tattoo then? Can I get a tattoo?”

“No,” I said.

“Come on! Why not? It’ll say “Mom”, I promise!”

Awwww. What a good boy. His freshly-pubescent forearm will be permanently marked “Mother”.

“Dylan, when you are 18, you are free to do as you like, although I’ll ask that you wait until you’re out of college. Once you’re out of college, go crazy.”

“Mom, everyone has one!”

“Yeah, everyone and their grandma. Maybe by the time you’re out of school the cool thing will be to have never had a tattoo, to be a clean slate. Besides, what do you have to commemorate with permanent ink? You have great skin. Why mess it up?”

“How about a Mohawk? Can I get a blue Mohawk?”

“Sure. Knock yourself out. If you don’t like it, you can always shave your head.”

He didn’t, of course, get that blue Mohawk, although everyone on the lacrosse team that year dyed their hair platinum blonde.

What the heck. Hair grows.

There are an awful lot of ways to be different/be like everyone else these days. Never mind the tattoos and the piercings. There are studs as well, little knobs at the temples, sharp things sticking out of lowers lips, large Ubangi-style corks in tautly stretched earlobes, contact lenses made to look like cats or goats eyes…

So what’s next?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and make a prediction.

This prediction is valid in the U.S. only and is not to be used for the purposes of gambling.

In keeping with how we generally behave, the U.S. will go in two wildly disparate directions: 1. the trend will swing to the point where super-conservative dress will become fashionable. No piercings, tattoos. Even jewelry will be eschewed so as to make it easier for one generation to truly differentiate itself from the previous; or 2. – and this is my personal favorite – we will embrace selective amputation. People eager to express themselves will have the first knuckle/nail of select fingers removed, opening up whole new areas of exploration in the insults-via-hand-gestures realm.

Missing a knuckle or two will eventually become, of course, the tribal-tattooed bicep/rose-on-the-breast tattoo of that generation; and the next generation’s rebels will be forced to move on to having their nostrils flared or their skulls replaced with glass, maybe something that lights up when there’s a thought…

Hey. Now there's a thought.

26 comments:

BECKY said...

Eeewwwwww!! When I read your post title, I thought it might have something to do with my toe/foot problem! :D

esbboston said...

You R truly magical and nostrildomasy at times. (VVas this one of them?)

esbboston said...

Oh, I forgot to wish you "Happy Beginning of World War Two Day".

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my gosh....you are so right. I often wonder: What the heck was he/she thinking?? Then I realize at certain times in our lives We are NOT thinking. And when you are NOT thinking don't go to a tattoo artist or a piercer!

vanilla said...

"something that lights up when there's a thought."

Because how else would we know there was a thought?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I feel so sorry for the young, trying so hard to be different that they all look the same.
For us it was Beetles haircuts. "You will NOT have your hair hanging in your eyes." But most of us did. All the same.

jenny_o said...

It still makes me weak in the knee area to see certain piercings. And those are the visible ones. If fingertip/nail amputation becomes the next big thing, I am in serious trouble.

Love your answers to your son. Hair grows. So true.

Scarlet Blue said...

I think the current trend, the world over, is complete brain removal.
Sx

TexWisGirl said...

i think you're on to something...

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I'd have to have a toe removed to wear those pointy shoes that keep coming back into style. Not that I'd wear them anyway.

Meeling said...

Oooohhh - I'm waiting on pins and needles for the "light up skulls" - fantastic!!

Lucy said...

Skull replacement seems an interesting proposition.

Sometimes, I can't listen properly to what someone is saying because my brain is frozen by the thought of what would happen if one of their strangely placed piercings caught on something and ripped and . . . aaaahgh!

fishducky said...

"something that lights up when there's a thought." That is the BEST idea I've heard in a long time! (& it's not as if it would happen very often!)

Austan said...

Hangovers? Never heard of em. BTW, I recommend chicken bouillion and toast. :)

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Yeah, illumination to indicate intelligent thought would be nice, but with my luck, my battery would blow, and no one would ever take me seriously.

Geo. said...

Pearl, you ever think our entire bodies could be a cosmetic affectation of the universe? Is there a church I could sell that to? This is the sort of idea that keeps me out of the 1%.

The Elephant's Child said...

A friend of mine was making a radio program about piercings. She went live to air (a mistake she now admits) and could only say eeeeeuw when the person she was interviewing started to talk about his infected scrotum piercing. Eeeeuw indeed.

Sashky said...

I remember reading a sci-fi book many years ago in which every citizen was fitted with a disc in the forehead. This disc could not be disabled and would light up whenever they were sexually attracted to the person with whom they were conversing regardless of age or gender.
Definitely a scary idea.

Rose L said...

Unfortunately this has happened and there are people out there who do amputation for non-medical reasons:
http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/Health/story?id=1806125&page=1#.UELRhiK8jbw
This page talks about people who hae the condition.
The rare condition is called body integrity identity disorder, or BIID.

Eva Gallant said...

I keep wondering what some of those tattoos will look like when the bearers gain 50+ pounds and everything starts sagging!

Stephen Hayes said...

I've thought about getting a tattoo several times but I've never seen anything I'd want to carry around for the rest of my life.

River said...

A skull that lights up when there is a thought? I know several people who would be permanently in the dark.

The current trend (out here in Australia at least) is teen boys and young men wearing pants so low they are buckled around the thighs. Disgusting.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Ooh, I love the glass skull idea. You're a genius! (And you're skull would be aglow non-stop!)

Pat said...

Every time I see David beckham's arms...
And then I regret his defacing of them.

Paula Wooters said...

Selective amputation? Sadly, I could see that happening... once they get tired of the piercings and tats, they're going to have to find an effective way to remove them.

Linda O'Connell said...

Droopy drawers, exposed undies, holes in the head...yeah they're different alright.