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Friday, September 7, 2012

A Reminder from the Swamp Heifer Awareness Council


A weekend reminder for those of the drinking persuasion...



Should you find yourself, as my neighbors to the North would say, oot and aboot this weekend – perhaps in search of a well-made margarita or the odd microbrew – let me give you some advice.

Mind yourself in the bar bathrooms.

While I have limited first-hand knowledge of the men’s facilities (Stanley's has an art deco marble urinal from the ‘20s that is equal parts impressive and disgusting), I can tell you that the women’s room is no place for the unwary.

First thing to remember?

Odds are good that everyone in the bathroom is drunk.

Second thing to remember?

Any issues the occupants of said bathroom have with themselves, their bodies, their liquor, their boyfriends, or people who look just like you have been set free and are now roaming the streets.

Let me give you an example.

You walk into the facilities. It’s somewhere around midnight; and you are one cheerful, friendly SOB. The unsteady and unsmiling woman staring at herself in the mirror over one of the two sinks in the room closes one eye so as to get a more accurate look at you and says bitterly, “Well, you look pleased with yourself”.

Do you:
A. Confide that you’ve recently lost 10 pounds.
B. Tell her to mind her own business.
C. Ignore her.
D. Recognize that she's having a hard day and probably just needs a friend.
E. Get out fast and don’t look back.

The answer is E: Get out fast and don’t look back.

But wait! you exclaim. I haven’t washed my hands!

This is true. You’ve not washed your hands. I suggest you either hit up a woman with a purse for the Purell she is surely carrying or keep your fingers out of your mouth for the rest of the evening because it is quite possible that you, my friend, have just encountered a Swamp Heifer, a thoroughly dangerous and unpredictable beast.

Don’t let the title fool you. The Swamp Heifer inhabits all regions of the world, not just the swamps, and she doesn’t always have the girth – or the intellect – of a heifer.

But what, exactly, are we looking for when watching for the wild Swamp Heifer?

Confusing but true, Swamp Heifers are either dramatically overweight or pathetically under-weight and often travel in pairs. Like the tiny birds that live on the backs of the much larger hippo, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks.

A Swamp Heifer is always drunk.

A Swamp Heifer does not have a discriminating palate where her drinks are concerned. Just keep ‘em cheap and keep ‘em coming.

A Swamp Heifer’s clothing eventually comes off during the course of the night, whether it appears to be on purpose or not. This includes pants that fall enough in the back to reveal a thong (also known as a “whale tail”), a shirt’s shoulder that falls down to reveal more skin than is palatable, or shoes that are removed and left under a table somewhere so their owner can dance barefoot.

A Swamp Heifer’s dancing style consists primarily of raising one arm above her head and shouting “Wooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually accompanied by pseudo-stripper moves that have nothing to do with the beat and everything to do with her future aspirations.

A Swamp Heifer is always loud. Whether ordering another drink, screaming “I love this song! It’s about me!’ or announcing at ear-splitting decibels that she’s “gotta pee”, there’s no concern that a Swamp Heifer will go unnoticed.

Swamp Heifers are often missing teeth. Whether as a result of meth use or a lack of dental insurance, it’s hard to say, but it seems to have no effect on her ability to attract her male counterpart…

A Swamp Heifer is looking to get laid or to fight. No man, no line into the bathroom is safe. An SH without a boyfriend is on the prowl and will be giving away lap-dances right after her next shot. An SH with a boyfriend is a jealous woman and assumes the worst at all times. The man you stood next to at the bar for a full two minutes while you ordered a beer, the one you didn’t notice? That was her man, and she’s going to be coming at you later in the evening.

Which brings us back to the bathrooms – and, now that I think about it, one of the reasons that women sometimes travel in pairs.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Stay safe out there.

35 comments:

Shelly said...

Oh, Pearl. "Like the tiny birds that live on the backs of the much larger hippo, the smaller Swamp Heifers often do the bidding of the larger ones and, presumably, keep them free of ticks." Made me literally snort...

Sioux said...

Unfortunately, the SH is not a species that will ever become endangered or extinct.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

What's a amazing to me is how the Swamp Heifer often manages to find a mate after executing the disturbing mating dance that involves waving the arms overhead and squawking "Whoo-hoo!"

haphazardlife said...

Yet another reason to stay the hell out of bars and drink in the safety of my home.

Simply Suthern said...

One of the rules of club bathrooms is nothing ever changes, not even the water in the bottom of the urinal.

So with that in mind the SH of the past are the same as the SH of the present with less teeth.

Pearl said...

I can't tell you how many times the theme song from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom starts up when I'm in the bars. :-)

Where are you now, Marlon Perkins? Our nation turns it's lonely eyes to you. Woo-woo-woo...

(With apologies to Simon and/or Garfunkel.)

Kara said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in ages - probably because I've met too many swamp heifers while "oot and aboot".

esbboston said...

The name of the bird in the symbiotic relationship with the hippopotamus is caLLed the oxpecker. I read that the oxpecker wiLL keep attacking the wounds of a hippo to keep the wound fresh and attract more food. I am not completely sure how aLL that relates back to 5th grade, maybe recess, maybe lunchroom, maybe the bus ride home ....

fmcgmccllc said...

I worked with a SH and was a scary piece of work. Maybe because she was always hung-over. I did not know SH was her real name and the guys called her the sea hag as she always ended up on someone's boat doing the moaning scream. Bad memories.

Laurel's Quill said...

SH's are usually puking in the sink, have toilet paper stuck on their shoes, have some piercing somewhere and smell like an ashtray. Been there, seen that!!

Sextant said...

I quit drinking 37 years ago. I have been culturally deprived.

I did hear a story of one sitting in the bar handing out naked pictures of her self to ostensibly show the bruises her boy friend inflicted on her. She seemed to have a lot of copies. Shame, had I got one I might have had it framed in my living room.

Chuck Steak said...

Wow. That'll either put me on the wagon, or at least keep me drunk in my own house...

SherilinR said...

i'm afraid to say that i've been that swamp heifer in a past life. not the fighting words or weight issues, but when i turned 21 and started drinking, i was a disaster in a club, just waiting for the next man to hit on or the next girl to chat up in the bathroom. it's a good thing i don't drink anymore.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

If I had a dollar for every swamp heifer I've taken home...

Susan Kane said...

Have you ever been to Hometown Buffet? There are SH there too, only they are a bit more cheerful, unless you get between them and the bread pudding.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I knew you'd write about me someday, Pearlie.
And, for what it's worth, you really did look pleased with yourself...
Hey, you hear that? "Free Bird!" Let's dance! Woooooo!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Eva Gallant said...

(I have nothing to say as I extract my shoes from under the table, pull my pants up, button my shirt, put my photos back in my purse, and slink away!)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

We could, I suppose, stay out of bars????? But it wouldn't be nearly as entertaining.

joeh said...

All men follow a common men's room rule, don't talk to a stranger, and don't look at his d***.

jenny_o said...

I was going to deny that we Canadians say "oot and aboot" but in a quick search I find it's too complicated for me to fully understand, something about raised diphthongs and categorical perceptions and whatnot, which you can read aboot here if you feel inclined (the main point seems to be that it's all relative, i.e. if you come from certain parts of the US the Canadian pronunciation sounds different enough that it could be described as "aboot", but if you're Canadian it sounds like "a-bow-t"):
http://dialectblog.com/2011/03/20/canadian-raising-nobody-says-aboot/

In any case, great post - strong drink is not the friend of the Swamp Heifer, notwithstanding her thoughts to the contrary :)

Geo. said...

Wow, ladies' room is scary! I know women generally outlive men but, in the matter of saloon lavatories, I believe I chose my gender wisely.

Belle said...

Getting out fast is what I would do also.

Rose L said...

Now this is exactly why I do not go to bars! I hate confrontations. I probably would have backed into the stall and waited for her to leave or pass out.

River said...

I'm so glad I don't frequent bars. Or drink for that matter. But thanks for the warning.

Indigo Roth said...

Pearl! I have a sheltered upbringing, but I am resolved to spend more time in the ladies' room. Is it true there's carpet? That's a laughable impossibility in the male equivalent, tho something more absorbent might work? I have met Ms. Heifer (née Wildebeest) on the dance floor. And yes, I chose E, got the hell out of there. Indigo x

The Elephant's Child said...

Ah yes, the memories of this sadly very common beast. At least it gives my life some direction - Do not turn into Swamp Heifer, repeat after me...

R. Jacob said...

All the things you say are true but there is something attractive about a woman that wants to throw herself at you at 3:00 am. Not that I would recall any of that the next morning!

Tempo said...

Swamp Heifer...I really like, that but we have an equivalent in Australia.
A Bush Pig is pretty much the same animal and is obviously some kind of close relation.

Pat said...

Thankfully I am past that stage, avoid public loos like the plague and - so far - have a good strong bladder.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Oh, this is wickedly funny. And 'tis a noble service you've provided, warning the unaware about those dangerous bar floozies.

Deborah said...

I saw one of these elusive (not) females in NE once. She had only one eye.

btw - I LOVE Stanley's. I love hanging there and acting all hip and hypnotic.

Paula Wooters said...

What Shelly said!

I've gotta say, the older I get, the fewer Swamp Heifers I run into... maybe it's because I do most of my drinking at home these days.

Douglas said...

I don't believe I ever met a Swamp Heifer... though I have awakened (with a massive hangover) next to a few.

Pat Tillett said...

Classic Pearl! So funny and so true!
Back in the day, I had a long time girlfriend who was a bartender. Needless to say, I spend quite a bit of time in places that she worked in. Plus, I would have been in those bars and others, even if I was not with her. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and have had the distinct displeasure of seeing these SH's in action on many occasions.