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Monday, August 20, 2012

You Don't Have a Spare Mil on Ya, Do Ya?

Shoot, I know I’ve said it before; but I could really use a million dollars.

First thing on the list to buy with that mil: Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. The coalition of inebriants that formed a giggling chain of imbalance in the back last night?  I’m thinking a little acid (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) in the drinking water (or their beer) oughta hold ‘em still until I can get those little collars around their necks.

Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.

The next thing I want to get with my million?

My own bus.

The bus this morning, the bus immediately following the one I usually take, was just downright low-class.  Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.

Things are looking loud for us this year – I like our chances.

I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2011 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.

Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.

Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?

OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.

You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?

Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?

So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.

The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.

43 comments:

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Coalition of inebriants? We resemble that remark. If you can't beat 'em, Pearl, join 'em, is what I always say.

Shelly said...

My toady would have to do the gabillion crunches I make myself do each day, but the results would be transferred to me.

Hair brushing sounds pretty luxurious, too...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

The toady is actually all you need, he (I recommend a really good looking hunky he) can brush your hair, carry you to work and round up the miscreants behind your house and make them do yard work. A million dollars invested wisely will support the two of you and you only need to go to work for those fun filled meetings. What say you and me do some lottery ticket buying my friend?

the walking man said...

Monday Morning Lights in Minneapolis.

Douglas said...

You get the mil, I'll be your toady. Not good at braiding hair, though, but I can brush with the best of `em.

fishducky said...

At the risk of sounding racist, several times I have asked my husband for a Nubian slave for Christmas. Still waiting...

vanilla said...

Pearl, you are so wise. You seem to know exactly how to spend those bucks. Lottery tickets may well be as good a choice as mutual funds these days. Unfortunately.

vanilla said...

Pearl, you are so wise. You seem to know exactly how to spend those bucks. Lottery tickets may well be as good a choice as mutual funds these days. Unfortunately.

Pearl said...

I don't think I ask too much, do I?!

Is it wrong -- nubian or otherwise?! -- to be willing to pay someone to brush my hair and comment on my brilliance?

"Your observations around today's Maury show are quite astute, madam."

"Hot dogs for lunch, madam? Excellent choice."

"You are absolutely correct, Madam. You cannot go wrong with plaid flannel pants when it comes to daytime lounging."

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! A hair-brushing toady? It could be a little Snow White:

"Yes, my Queen, you truly are the fairest in the land."

But hey, like they say: if the wig fits, wear it.

Roth

Jacquelineand.... said...

Perhaps you are (potentially) going too easy on your hair-brushing toady? Why not send him out to manicure the lawn with nail clippers as well?

sage said...

Are you taking applications for the professional hair brusher position?

Ian Lidster said...

Of the lottery, Fran Lebowitz said that your chances of winning are about the same whether you do or don't buy a ticket.

The toady idea is nice. I would want a female toady, and she must be a comely wench. Since the odds of me getting one of those or a million are negligible I think I can be as sexist as hell about the matter.

May you get your million, my dear.

Belle said...

I definitely want my own toady. She could take my place in the family.

Susan Kane said...

How about a moat? Would be cheaper than a big fence. And some alligators; they would reduce the population of inebriates. But the toady is an absolute necessity.

Pearl said...

I'm so glad we're all in agreement about the toady. :-)

Stephen Hayes said...

Why don't you hire a hair brusher who is also a chauffeur to drive your new town car. Then you can stay off the bus.

Marsha @Spots and Wrinkles said...

Oh, we used to live near some of the "Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Crowd" - and I tell you what, if you can catch 'em, I'll hold 'em, while you put those little collars on them. :)

CarrieBoo said...

It's not too much to ask, is it? Surely not.

Talk about painting some funny visuals. :D For some reason, I'm seeing all the baggy pants peeps as zombies. Why is that?

Linda Sue said...

Dude, you need to hang out at the middle school for all of your mind altering needs...

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

A town car and a driver (who can also brush your hair) sounds perfect. If you get lonely you can even stop and pick up a passenger of your choice at any bus stop!

fmcgmccllc said...

I like that you think ahead and have plans.

River said...

There has to be a better name than toady for the ones who does nothing but pander to your needs and wants. Toady puts me in mind of a cartoon frog wearing princely clothing, but without the crown.

Sioux said...

Make the hairbrushing toady a hottie...That could take care of three birds with one...uh, hunk.

esbboston said...

I used to brush my best friend's hair, but not my current best friend, but the one before her, also a her.

Flea said...

Definitely combine your hair brusher and toady. I'd give you the money, but I spent my very last million just a week ago, dang it. Bought an iPad. Yeah, they're a nice chunk of change. I didn't think it would cost quite that much either, but what's a girl to do?

Gigi said...

Well dammit! Now *I* want a toady!

R. Jacob said...

cheech and chong reference? such a tease!!

;-))<<---second chin showing ;(

Linda O'Connell said...

Toady and brushy...a novel idea. Thanks.

HermanTurnip said...

I'd buy a city bus and drive it around town, slowing down at all the stops then speeding away, wheels squealing and smoking, and me laughing maniacally behind the wheel....but that's just me.

jenny_o said...

While you've got those neighbours properly subdued, put some muzzles on 'em too. And take away their matches, so they can't light their gol darn fire pit right outside your open window on the muggiest night of the summer. Wait, those were MY neighbours, not yours. Where were we? Oh yes, electric collars. Brilliant idea, Pearl, and I'm not being a toady :)

Lin said...

I just bought an electric fence for the opossum who keeps eating the snails out of my pond. It wasn't all that expensive, but they do require you to post signs that you have one. :( Bummer.

Well.....you can just put it at the perimeter of your yard and watch the fools trip over it. You can't see the darn thing in the dark. I don't think you have to post signs if you don't turn it on.

;)

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, I could be persuaded to drive the bus, brush that hair, and pick out lottery tickets for you. I would even share a cookie ":)

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Hey Pearl, you gets your million, you call me. I'll be your toady and even brush ye hair. I can do a mean uplift.

Austan said...

"Hey Strawberry!"
"Answer the phone, man."
"Dave's not here, man." LMAO!

The Elephant's Child said...

Ooooh. A hairbrushing toady. Heaven on a stick. You do have the best ideas.

Symdaddy said...

You know I'd give you the shirt of my back, Pearl.

If I could afford one, that is!

Tesha Vann said...

These are good 'wants/needs'. I think you should get the bus foo shiz.

Amy said...

When I used to work at a C-store my witty co-worker used to tell lottery buyers that they had a better chance of being hit by 'a bus full of naked midgets' than winning the lottery. Now there's an idea for your bus.

KarenG said...

We all have our million dollar dreams but to buy your own bus and electrify your property are two of the best ones I've ever heard!

NellieVaughn said...

Get a professional hair brusher. What is more relaxing that a loving touch right on the noggin? I used to watch these videos on YouTube of a man brushing a woman's hair. I can't remember his name anymore, but they would put me right to sleep.

Pat said...

Lose the bus - lose the copy
The decision is yours.

Eva Gallant said...

Back in my days as a financial services rep, I could have advised you on how to invest the rest of those funds. Too late now; might as well buy lottery tickets.