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Saturday, August 4, 2012

Wherein I Look Down to Discover My Clothing has been Defiled


I was at the bus stop Friday morning when I realized that the white cotton eyelet jacket I was wearing had a small yet undeniably smeared stain of some sort, right where it buttons over the chest. The chest! It was as if someone – or something, since I was willing to point a grubby finger at anyone but me – had dipped their digits into banana, possibly butterscotch pudding, and then buttoned my jacket.

It had not been noticeable in the least when I had taken it out the night before. Nor was it noticeable when I put it on.

In the glaring light of Casual Friday, however, one is led to believe that the owner and/or wearer of this particular jacket is unfamiliar with napkins and their uses.

I consider the fact that I hadven’t worn this jacket in well over a year. It was clean when I put it away. I was sure of it. I don’t, after all, hang up dirty clothes.

I try to recollect the last time that someone might’ve eaten – not pudding perhaps, but judging by the color, possibly a bowl of curry – in my closet. I mean, there are parties; and then there are parties.

Holla!

I lazily imagine how I could turn this misfortune into an opportunity, maybe a little get-to-know-you exercise on the bus, our seatmates encouraged to make assumptions about each of us based on the stains on our clothes. I wonder what my jacket says about me…

The bus comes into view as it occurs to me that I could just walk home and change. I discard this thought immediately: the next bus won’t be around for another 20 minutes, and by then I will be late for work.

I take my jacket off and put it in my yoga bag.

I don’t know what that stain is, how it got there, or what it says about me as a person, but I do know this: I have never eaten pudding - or curry! - in my closet.

I don't care what you've heard.

And I still have no idea what that stain could be.

37 comments:

Paula Wooters said...

Curry? I'd ask that time traveling, Euthanasia Curry Shop patron, Indigo Roth if he's been in your closet. It's the only obvious explanation.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I totally blame Liza Bean.
That is so obvious, though, it almost goes without mentioning.

Kate Mohler said...

Of course, #1 is that you don't want to dwell on it. :-)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

At least the stain was on something you could remove and not be arrested for lack of.

TexWisGirl said...

i like babyjohn's comment. :)

R. Jacob said...

pudding and curry
you gots some splaining to do Lucy!

jenny_o said...

I was going to be like Susan up there and point the paw at Liza Bean, and then I thought, Dolly Gee is more likely - wouldn't white eyelet be smashing with Daisy Duke shorts???

vanilla said...

There you've done it again: intrigued us with a tale of mystery. Discretion, as they say, is the better part of valor, and you did well to hide the possibly incriminating evidence before boarding ye bus.

Symdaddy said...

Give that ol' stain a lick! You know you want to.

Leenie said...

Tuning tomorrow for that get-to-know-you "Guess my Stain" game on the bus. This could be good.

Geo. said...

In California, we have sinkholes that creep around under streets and, when no one's looking, surface to everyone's dismay. Minnesota obviously has a migrating stain. Safer, but still destructive.

joeh said...

Don't you know? After they sneak into your dryer and steal that sock that always goes missing in your laundry, gremlins hang out in your closet and party. THey use the odd sock to clean up but they sometimes miss a stain.

You need to be more lert!

cranky

skoots1mom said...

hahaha, joeh!
with the gremline revolution coming back, he may have a point

their adventures are many, fer sure!

Mitchell is Moving said...

I am SO sorry. I feel just awful. I hoped you wouldn't notice. I borrowed the jacket without telling you and then got drunk and then I was dancing while eating chicken curry and well... But I was really reelived to see that the pee stains didn't show at all.

Hannah Denski said...

Hm, secret closet banana curry party! And you weren't invited!? Tuk tuk tuk. : ) x

bill lisleman said...

you must have a walk-in closet to think of this option. The best "closet" I have ever had the pleasure of opening its door was one in SF where my BIL lived once. Inside was a shower that's about all that was inside it.

fmcgmccllc said...

I hate to be the spoilsport here but all unknown and previously undetected stains are yellow/orange. It is a rule. Something about the dark closets and drawers have a huge color impact on stains that were removed and when they realize they were exorcised they turn this odd mustardy curry color and for time eternal can never be oxi sprayed again.

Belle said...

I have done the same thing, put something on that had a stain. I don't mind if it appears on my midriff, I hold my purse in front of it, but it is difficult to hide on on the chest!

Jinksy said...

I agree, the chest area is always a spot magnet - mostly because we carry it all before...BUT this comment is just to let you know, I've found your address in that lost 'safe place', so when next I can get to a post office, your poster will be on its way! ♥

Vapid Vixen said...

Holla!!

I love that without fail, your posts always manage to make me laugh.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Time to start wearing bibs again, Pearl.
Rosemary

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Did you not notice the coffee stain on your blouse?! Roth x

jenny_o said...

So after I got done blaming Miss Dolly Gee, I decided it was time to get serious about this grievous stain thing. After all, cats being cats, it's going to happen again for sure. Threaten them - both of them - with a complete ban on "the good shrimp" (particularly in curry) :)

I hope it's okay to comment twice. There is such little room in my brain for new thoughts that I have to let one out before there's room for a new one to form.

Linda O'Connell said...

Did you have fried egg for breakfast? Think, try to remember. That happenes to me sometimes too. I used to blame the cat, but he died years ago and every now and then I find a yellow spot on a white blouse. Thanks for all the laughs.

Stephen Hayes said...

Another difference between men and women---a guy would never have noticed the stain, and if he had he wouldn't care.

Stephen Hayes said...

Another difference between men and women---a guy would never have noticed the stain, and if he had he wouldn't care.

Pat said...

I'm with Susan in the Boonies.

Bodacious Boomer said...

Since you lead such a wild life I'd prefer not to hazard a guess to the origin of the stain. However, it's always a good idea to make sure to always leave your house wearing clean undcies and with a Tide-to-Go stain stick in your purse.

Bodacious Boomer said...

undies- sorry about that

Eva Gallant said...

I think it's time the perpetrator comes out of the closet!

Diane said...

Ah, the mystery stain. So intriguing. So aggravating! Shall I tell you about the one I discovered on my white sweater after I removed my coat at church? I went into the washroom, turned that sweater inside out, and put it back on.
When anyone pointed it out, I told them that the sweater had a spot on the other side. I guess everyone is used to me. They all just smiled. Better the stain you hear about than the stain you see . . .

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I would recommend an empirical test.

Simply chew the jacket, and describe the taste.

Voila, problem solved.

They don't just call me TwistedScottishGeniusBastard for nothing you know.

River said...

It's either moth poop or something that was invisible when you dripped it and has yellowed over time. Perhaps a drop of milk. Unnoticed at the time, now yellowed.

The Elephant's Child said...

White clothing is like that. It acts as a stain magnet. And not your easily removed stains either...

Jenny Woolf said...

Hate to say it but might it be the remains of some nasty little creature that got on your jacket? Fell on it from a tree? Bird poo?

I am sure that you don't sit in your closet and eat pudding but it is a wonderful mental image :D

Hope you get to the dry cleaning fluid soon.

Tempo said...

Come on, we all know it was Mary, even you!
The big question is WHY? Is she trying to make you look bad? Is this some kind of payback for your long and checkered history? Is she really stealing your clothes, wearing them and putting them back UNWASHED!

Amy said...

But doesn't curry go perfectly with margaritas?