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Friday, August 10, 2012

Virtually Welcoming You to Our Virtual Meeting


And now, a brief tele-meeting with our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.



“Hello! Can everyone see me? Yes? Great. You know, we are so glad all of you could join us today. Whether meeting in person or meeting virtually, we welcome you all, as we always have, with a warm – “

Bee-Boop!

“Hold on. Appears we have more people joining us!

“To whoever has joined us, welcome! As I was just saying, whether meeting in person or meeting virtually – “

Bee-Boop!

{sound of hand cupping microphone followed by muffled disgruntled-ness: “How do you mute this @!#$ thing?” A large disembodied hand passes by the camera, and several bee-booping moments later, the head of Randolph T. Freakly the Third reappears.}

“All right! We’re back!

“You know, the last few years have been difficult times, and in an effort to optimize our enablements, leverage our bootstraps and further verbify, I’d like to introduce the VP of Marketing, Shirley Spoonfed. Shirley?”

The shiny, discombobulated head of Shirley Spoonfed appears. The screen visually stutters as Shirley begins to speak in a blink-blink-mouth-open-mouth-close-blink show of animatronics not seen since the Disney “Hall of Presidents” was new.

Somewhere, Max Headroom cackles gaily.

“Thanks, Randolph! So nice to see you all! Ha ha! No, I can’t actually see any of you. That’s what makes that funny.”

A buzzing sound interrupts Shirley’s train of thought and we watch as she digs, off-screen, into what must be her jacket pocket. She surreptitiously checks her Blackberry. Smiling, her attention returns to the camera in front of her.

“Growth! We’re looking at partnershipping with our partners and making impactful impactments. We are on the rollercoaster ride of economic recovery here, people, and it’s our belief at Acme Grommets and Napkins that we go with it, that we all just throw our arms in the air and scream because this is our time! This is where we sell our products! From the data entry drudges to the guys with doors and suits, we’re seeking entry into more levels of more companies. This is where we drive for full-on client penetration!

“We’re partnering, we’re solutioning, we’re wreaking havoc with the English language and we are just so excited about it. Words like “spearhead”, “integral”, and “benchmark” will be used liberally going forward. References to “full plates” and what we can "bring to the table" will be made. We are energized, we are aligned, we are in full command of our corporate-based thought templates.”

Shirley beams brightly into the camera and blinks aggressively. “Back to you, Randolph.”

Randolph T. Freakly’s head returns to the little square in the upper left-hand corner of the computer monitor. He looks a bit dazed.

“Thank you, Shirley. Always inspiring.”

A muffled comment – followed by a roomful of stifled guffaws – takes place somewhere to Randolph’s left. He waves an irritable hand in that direction.

“Well I guess that about covers it! So thank you, everyone, for taking time out of your day to attend this meeting. Now let's get out there! Go forth, do good work, and remember: while I make more money than any six of you put together, none of it would happen without your input. And for that, I thank you.

"As always, my door is always open.”

So concludes the Virtual Meeting.

32 comments:

vanilla said...

Wherein Pearl Has Captured the Essence of the Corporate Meeting, flawlessly. I love what that lady brings to the table.

Vicus Scurra said...

I love you.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl!

This is freaky - “We’re partnering, we’re solutioning, we’re wreaking havoc with the English language and we are just so excited about it."

It's like we work for the same people... Wait, what floor did you say you were on?!

Roth x

esbboston said...

And if my door isn't open, you can always e-mail me, or rather, your e-mail wiLL be handled by someone.

Shelly said...

"full on client penetration"

I hope those clients know exactly what it is they're signing up for...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Every time I read about your company meetings I get a chill and a sense of deja vu you don't want to go there again itis. However, it was nice when I worked from home to go to those virtual meetings...in my civies...coffee by my side....mute on so they couldn't hear me snoring (or snickering) ..lol.

Pearl said...

Oh, to be in my underwear, sipping a margarita while these meetings go on... Unfortunately I'm one of those unfortunately twits who actually still go in to an office...

And "full-on client penetration"? I swear on Liza Bean Bitey's little head that that is an actual phrase from the meeting. I damn-near choked.

CarrieBoo said...

Wow. No wonder they get so many clients. Is there an extra charge for that?

joeh said...

Well that brought back memories thof at were missing for a reason! Some new gobbltygook, some old.

Have they finally stopped saying from a "Client driven perspective" or from an "IT prespective"? Damn I was screaming "could you just say point of view or needs...anything, I was just sick
"perspective!"

Well done as usual.

Ms Sparrow said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms Sparrow said...

Sorry Pearl, I should read other comments before I put in my two cents worth. I discovered I said almost exactly the same thing as Vanilla. I was so embarrassed I deleted it. Now I have nothing to say. Sigh...

R. Jacob said...

full-on client penetration? of course you know I could not leave that alone! lol
what kind of company do you work for again?

I will be right back, have to deliver some margaritas stat!!

ray

Geo. said...

Delightful post! Makes me glad I was a gardener. Thanks for the peek indoors!

sage said...

You got that down pat, except that when someone joins and you get the beep followed by them introducing themselves (as they were instructed to do when they logged in) only that they're 5 minutes late and they are interrupting someone... I make sure my mute is on all the time except if I am asked a question because I'm making snide remarks that no one other than myself need to hear.

jenny_o said...

His door may always be open but his mind is firmly closed :)

Douglas said...

You obviously go to too many meetings. That's clear from your perfect representation of them. I worked the graveyard shift so that I could more easily avoid most of them.

Did you know that Bee Boop signals both entering and leaving a teleconference?

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

lol...don't ya just love those virtual meetings??

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Brilliant, as always.

Mitchell is Moving said...

This actually almost gave me a panic attack. I used to have to regularly sign in on those idiotic meetings. Our senior VP really DID use the word "partnershipping"! And her favorite pronoun was "yous" (the plural of "you"). I haven't worked there since 2009. I thought I was over it. But I think I need a Valium!

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I'm laughing because of the humor but crying because I can relate.

Linda Myers said...

The first time I read Dilbert I was pretty sure some guy in my company was the cartoonist.

That's all I'm bringing to the table today.

1NurseRatched said...

I was Shirley in a past life and my favorite word was "specificity". Now happy to report that I am a recovering executive.

Eva Gallant said...

Then there's the "corporate footprint" which you will find on your ass.

Gigi said...

Just as I was recovering from the last meeting I attended - you brought it all back!

I suppose I shall have to drink copious amounts to try and forget it all again.

Ian Lidster said...

Bottom line and at the end of the day, brilliant meeting. You take good meeting.

Linda Sue said...

So allergic to meetings...too late I read your post, got sucked in...now I am a mass of rash. Thanks.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Not sure, but I think you just earned a gold medal for humor. Too bad the scenario is so darned accurate. (Does ANYBODY enjoy these meetings?)

River said...

I wonder how long it took Shirley Spoonfed to memorise that twaddle of policy-speak? Perhaps she read it off cue cards.
I'm also wondering does she truly believe it or is she just saying it because she's paid to?

Deborah said...

laugh laugh laugh!

If there was a new and clever way to denote laughing I'd do it!

smooches girl - this was chokingly funny!

the walking man said...

And there in lies the beauty of the job I used to do, though on the very edge of the millennium beginning all of the equipment was mid 20th century modern.

Paula Wooters said...

I may be broke and broken down, but this reminds me how happy I am I've never had to work for corporate America!

Diane said...

I no longer have nightmares about those meetings. Therapy DOES work! But I still dream that I'm taking an exam for which I am woefully unprepared. Sigh.