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Friday, August 3, 2012

Shh. Everyone Will Want One.

Ring!  Ring-ring!

“Good morn – aftern – um, morning.  This is Pearl.”

There is laughter on the other end.  “You don’t know what’s going on, do you?”

“I don’t have to know what’s going on.  I’m at work. “

“Oh, you workers,” Mary  chuckles indulgently .  “Guess what I’m doing.”

Thoughts ranging from “walking the dog” to “pooping”, a long-running gag between us, run through my head.  A group heading into a meeting pass my desk and I decide to play it safe.  “I don’t know,” I say.  “Walking the dog?”

Mary laughs, a tad giddily, if you ask me.  “Packing for Sturgis!”

The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally begins this weekend, and Mary and Jon and another couple have tuned up their Harleys, cleaned their leathers and are heading west.

“That should be a pretty light luggage rack.”

I can hear Mary grinning over the phone.  “Nope,” she says.  “This year I’m going to bring shirts and a bra.”

“What, and buck years of tradition?”

“The people of South Dakota have done nothing that would result in being forced to gawp at my aging breasts.”

“You’re too hard on yourself,” I say.  “Your breasts don’t look a day over 47.”

“I’m 46.”

There is a brief, if staged, silence.  “Those were some hard years,” I say.

“Why you little…”

“Why I oughta…”

We grin at each other.  It’s over the phone, but we’re professionals.

“So why did I call?” she says.

“You want to stop by with dessert tonight.”

“Hmmm.  No, that’s not it.  Oh, I know!  Remember when I lost a fingernail in the turkey that one year?”

Who could forget?  Half-way through a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at Mary’s house some dozen or so years ago, Mary announced that she had lost a false fingernail.  She believed it may have become part of the stuffing.

Amazingly, no one found it.

“I still have nightmares,” I say.

“Well, I did it again.  Only this time, I lost a Band-Aid.  At a cleaning job.”

I laugh.

“Yep,” she says.  “It could be anywhere.  Do you think I should call?”

“And what, tell them you believe you left a used Band-Aid somewhere?”

“Umm…”

“Maybe they could put it in the mail for you.”

“Hey, now, we don’t talk like that.”

There is a moment of silence.  “Maybe I should call her on her lunch hour, just to let her know that if she finds a mystery Band-Aid that it’s mine.  It’s probably best to be honest about it.”

“It’s hard to know what to do when you’ve left something like that behind.”

The line goes silent as we consider the social ramifications behind a lost Band-Aid.

“OK,” she says, conversation over.  “I gotta go.”

“Gonna walk the dog?”

“Nope,” Mary says.  “I gotta poop.”

Click.

38 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Mom lost a band aid in a pan of fudge she was making as a gift. She couldn't give it away so she cut it up for us to enjoy...yuck. Still makes me want to gag just thinking about it.

Symdaddy said...

Just knowing that Mary is normal and needs to visit the throne room like the rest of us is a relief!

I'm sure gonna miss all those 'has been' rock stars now that Mary has gone and lost Band Aid!

Pearl said...

Delores, Band Aid fudge doesn't sound very tasty. :-)

Sym, I shall tell her. Or you can, now that you're FB buddies!

Vicus Scurra said...

I am still waiting for my call from her.

joeh said...

Walk the dog used to be my code for goin for a smoke.

bill lisleman said...

Pearl, good thing you didn't lose your humor in the turkey.
I bet you don't look a day over 50. It's fun to be quick with those comebacks. Riding a bike for 100's of miles would make my body feel a few days over 100.

Shelly said...

When going to Sturgis, leaving the bras out of the luggage makes more room for the chaps...or so I've heard.

Pearl said...

Vicus, I think she's in the bathroom.

joeh, I have a friend who used to drink to excess every now and then and disappear for the weekend withe the words "if you need me, I'll be attending a hockey tournament in Waseca".

Bill, I get compliments, but mostly whilst in dimly lit areas. :-)

Shelly, actually I don't think Mary's flashed anyone in a couple decades now, but we like to pretend that she just might, at any moment...

Nessa Roo said...

I have an aunt who "feeds the chickens."

"I didn't know you have chickens."

"I don't."

R. Jacob said...

I, being a betting man would guess you look pretty good during daylight hours. Mary too!

Leenie said...

Unless she was wearing those cool Super Hero bandages or one with her name on it there's no way they could blame her when they find it in their food.

Off to look for Mary on the Sturgis webcam. !!!!

vanilla said...

Oh, you two are a pair; and I'm surprised your wheel isn't headed to Sturgis, too.

Pat Tillett said...

This is 2012 and people need to "tech" up! Downloading a brown file is the proper phrase these days.

Amy said...

I have two sons, I find a lot of their "lost" band-aids. It's never something one wants to find, but at least I can narrow down the suspects to two. Now when I find one at work or in public? YUCK!

Pearl said...

Nessa Roo, I think I like your aunt. :-)

R, you're right. Now who do I make the check out to? :-)

Leenie, she'll be there by tonight! Look for a redhead with a big smile.

vanilla, oh, can you imagine the stories there?!

Pat, I'm using that. And I'm blaming you. :-)

Amy, she promises me that it was nothing, as she says, "heinous". Still. Yes.

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

You are so gifted with your humor and the pen...er...keyboard. Awesome.

jenny_o said...

A false fingernail in the stuffing would be far, far better than a real one :)

Indigo Roth said...

Dammit Pearl, now *I* gotta poop. Why, I oughta... Roth x

Chantel said...

I was once on a blind date and my false nail flipped silently into his soup when he wasn't looking. The absolute AGONY of "do I tell him or don't I" was a horror or horrors!

I didn't tell him. Thank God he didn't eat all the soup.

Daisy said...

:-) thanks for your stories Pearl. They always bring a smile, or a tear, seldom a "poop"

Mitchell is Moving said...

What a team.

Can't believe they're going to Sturgis! I understand it's gotten so big that they've expanded into Spearfish this year. You wouldn't catch me anywhere near there!

Mom of A and a said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mom of A and a said...

Well, I definitely want one now!!

ROTFL at Pat's comment!

Dr Max Tunguska said...

I think it's important to know your friends poop. Reduces the chances of thinking they've been abducted by aliens and replaced by identical, but non-pooping replicas.

Eva Gallant said...

the girl has her priorities.

jabblog said...

Silence is golden. What isn't divulged can't hurt (or come back to bite you!)

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Pfffft. Tell her to leave the bra at home. Only in her forties? Shoot, might as well enjoy the ride now, before gravity reeeeally takes its toll. Another fun post, as always.

Thank you so much for your kind comment about my mother-in-law. I do appreciate it.

Linda O'Connell said...

Tee-hee-hee.
I once gagged on a real fingernail that I nearly swallowed froma soda at Taco Bell. It was in the ice. YUCK!

Stephen Hayes said...

Finding a band aid in food would certainly turn my stomach. But I'd get over it...eventually.

sage said...

just the thought of a band-aid in food is a diet supplement... but having worked in a bakery, I am not surprised at what people find in food.

Murr Brewster said...

I'm at the time of year the fruit flies drop into my beer. I hate the idea of fishing them out and maybe losing some of the beer so I swirl the glass carefully and try to strand them on the dried-up head.

Dried-up head would be a bad thing to find in your food, too.

The Elephant's Child said...

Such a reassuring post. I make many, many Christmas cakes each year - most to give away. I have taken to using uncooked spaghetti to test whether the cakes are done. Which works fine - unless the spaghetti stalk snaps. Uncooked spagh doesn't appear in any cake recipe I know of, but that year we sent some out. No-one has admitted to receiving it though...

the walking man said...

Too much cold or too much heat?

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

You know me, Pearlie. I love any post that ends with the word "poop."

Paula Wooters said...

You have the most elegant friends, Pearl! I like that! In fact I'm going to be thinking of this conversation the next time I put on (or lose) a Band-Aid.

Pat said...

I spent all last week looking for a pair of k------s that had been worn. I have both black and white k------s. The mystery was solved when I realise I had been searching for a pair of black k------s when in fact I had been wearing white k------s.

Meeling said...

OMG - I'm not sure what has me laughing more, the fingernail or the Poop!! Lol!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Unless they call in CSI and test for DNA, never, never confirm.