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Friday, August 24, 2012

Last I Heard, She was in Oconomowoc


For some time now, I’ve been concerned with matters of communication. 

One likes to be prepared.

“The ransom letter, for example,” I say to the imaginary man in my head.  “When forced to write, against my will, to prove that I am well and not being harmed, I will misspell my middle name.”

My imaginary man, a short, sturdy sort, taps his chin, thoughtfully.   “So it will be “Ann”, not “Anne”?”

“Exactly,” I say, pleased. 

“And this is to communicate that, yes, it’s you, and yes, you’re being held against your will?”

“Precisely.”

“But why,” he murmurs, “would you be kidnapped?”

Whereupon I stare at him until he realizes that a.) I am a precious and rare flower, kidnap-worthy and b.) he should buy me a treat.

The problem is that I was not raised to be demonstrative.  My bloodlines are chock full of staunch, hearty folk, people for whom expressions of love include pats on the back and offers of dinner, for whom a state of upset is revealed through vigorous room-rearrangement and floor-mopping.

“How ‘bout this?” I say.  “How ‘bout I will try to communicate where I’m being held through the use of the first letter of each word in a sentence?”

“Hmm,” he says.

“For example, if the sentence “Barry Levinson Ate Indian Nutriment Earnestly” should show up in the letter, you’ll know they’ve hidden me away in Blaine.”

“Interesting,” he says.  “What happens if you’re being detained in Minneapolis?”

I stare at him, blink slowly.  He pulls a Snickers bar from his pocket.

“No one’s going to kidnap you,” he says, dangling the candy from his fingertips.

Mollified, I tear open the wrapper.

“Anyway,” I say.  “That contingency is taken care of, isn’t it?”

33 comments:

Linda O'Connell said...

You started my day with a laugh, as usual with your wild imagination.
Family not demostrative...must have been the times. Pat on the back and a meal...I can so relate.

Shelly said...

How do these little men in our heads know so much?

I'm convinced they have annual conventions where they attend workshops with titles like, "How to Convince Your Host She Really Looks OK in That Hair Color" and "The Fine Art of Reason During PMS".

Vicus Scurra said...

Go to your posting for the 20th August. Take the initial letters of the first seven words. Put those letters into google. It looks like a Polish porn site. We know where you were and what you were doing when you posted that.
I do NOT frequent Polish porn sites. Although chubbyczechchimpfondlers.com is quite amusing.

R. Jacob said...

oh, I know of loud and vigorous cleaning when someone is mad.
on the bright side
clean house!

vanilla said...

Don't outsmart yourself as you try to elicit assistance from the guy in your head.

Leenie said...

Is this the same squat bald man who is fond of slogan tee-shirts and lighting one cigarette with the butt of another? Good thing he likes you. I do do agree he deserves watching. Remind him that if you were truly being held prisoner he wouldn't be getting out much. He'd miss pointing out the flakes and weirdos on the bus.

CarrieBoo said...

Important word in Spanish (as I'm late to the ball): cerveza.

As for 'Minneapolis'... let's see:
"My iris noted nine eggs and promptly ogled legs in slacks." Bit of a give away? :)

Buttons said...

Oh Pearl you always make me laugh. By the way I sure would not mind a bite of that Snickers right now. In case you are wondering I would take a Snickers from a stranger anyone that loves Snickers cannot be all that bad right?:) B

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

You know, when I am stuck for a blog idea, I should just do as Pearl does: Write out the conversations with the people in my head. That would be an interesting post. A filthy, interesting post.

esbboston said...

I would have been confused, because I thought it was Ann instead of Anne. That is such an e-asy thing to forget. Yes, you are a precious flower. You dessert, I mean deserve, two candy bars.

&^)

jenny_o said...

Oh my, I have planned these clever manoeuvres too. Along with the karate chops and judo kicks and the jumping out of moving vehicles. In real life I have never done any of the above and would break my hand, fall flat on my back, or jump into a tree trunk. Tsk. Perhaps we need to practice our room-rearrangement skills instead, to show the kidnappers we are not amused.

esbboston said...

I was going to do a Minneapolis, but CarrieBoo beat me to it. I guess its never too late to try for a St Paul.

Stranger took Pearl away, uh-oh, lost.

or

Snickers totaLLy pleased away (h)unger lots.

Jacquelineand.... said...

I firmly believe the snarky little people in our head attend conventions geared toward making us like the only lead balloon at a helium party.

And that they multiply like roaches if given even a crumb of attention.

Then again, I'd like to switch the voice in my head for the voice in yours...he's much funnier!

NotesFromAbroad said...

I loved this so much, I am enjoying two images. You having the candy bar and Jaquilineand..said "snarky people in our heads attending conventions" ..
Happy Friday-

fishducky said...

Have the people in your head contact the people in my head--we need to talk!

Eva Gallant said...

There is no end to that imagination of yours; it's wonderful!

Make Innocent Nuns Not Eating Ask Politely Or Leave Instantly, Sir,

(Minneapolis)

Indigo Roth said...

Magnificent! I Now Note Everything About Pearl's Online Life (It's Strange).

(didya see what I did there?)

Ms Sparrow said...

Heaven forbid you should ever be held incommunicado!

Flea said...

Hey! My middle name is Anne with an e!

Imaginary men give you treats? Pearl, I think it's time for either some serious therapy, or drug rehab. Imaginary men I get. Treats is a whole 'nother story.

Joanne Noragon said...

My mother always said I never came home without a story to tell. But you sit on one place and get a story to tell.

Pat Tillett said...

When he starts talking to me, I make lots of noise so I can't hear him. That idiot has led me astray more times than not.
Funny post Pearl. Funny and good!

Gigi said...

That's what I love about coming here - learning that I am not alone! I also play out imaginary scenarios in my head. Not as amusing as yours, to be sure, but still...

Pat said...

I wish I could be sure my family would notice the difference between Dixon and Dickson and if they would even remember which is the correct one.

Geo. said...

Voices in one's head are nothing compared to what one finds living in abandoned tires. I try not to get them mixed up. Great post, Pearl!

savannah said...

sugar, i'm still thinking about a snickers bar! i was reading along and then hotdamnwillyalookatthat candy....

xoxoxoxox

(i'm still catching up with all y'all, i'll be in my right mind soon enough.)

The Elephant's Child said...

Demonstrative family? Not in my neighbourhood. Cook or clean to show love or agitation sounds about right.
And sometimes I would like to be kidnapped. I can't off hand think of anything which would more clearly show that I do have value. (unless the requested ransom is pitiful).

Rose L said...

May I Simply Say I'm Seriously Scared, I'm Praying Persistently Inside.
Guess which state I am being held captive in??????

Mitchell is Moving said...

You have a very "interesting" mind.

jabblog said...

Not too many disagreements in our house - therefore the place is usually a tip . . .

Paula Wooters said...

Not Everyone Wants Your Own Rotten Kid. So see, you don't have to worry about being kidnapped after all. (Have a candy bar, Pearl!)

Diane said...

What. Are you saying that the you-s and me-s of this world are unkidnappable? Unkidnap . . . Non-kidnap . . . Un-valuable?
P.S. Let's hope he doesn't take you to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

Amy said...

Beware of strange men offering you candy or asking you to help them with their sick puppy, they are usually trying to kidnap you.
Also, Oconomowoc? Good gravy, the locale is worse than the crime! Here's hoping it stays local.

NellieVaughn said...

This reminds me of a t-shirt I saw with bold letters in the front that read:

I was kidnapped and loved every minute of it.

Totally need to get that for you.