I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Wherein Pearl Discovers Her Place in the Universe


“Good morning, Acme Grommets and Gravel.”

“Herro.” 

It’s Mary, red-headed sprite and first-tier rabble rouser.

“Herro,” I say.

“I’d like to order both a grommet and a gravel, please.”  She chuckles pleasantly.

“That never gets old for you, does it?”

“No,” she says.

We grin at each over the phone.  Both firmly of the opinion that all weeks should have a goofy start, we get right to business.

“So what’s up, Stinky?”

I’m pretty sure Mary likes it when I call her “Stinky”. 

Mary laughs quietly, as she’s under contract to do.  “I just called to say “You’re Number Two!  You’re Number Two!

Oooh.  Maybe she doesn’t like it when I call her “Stinky”.

“Hey!  We don’t talk like that!”

We laugh.  Oh, we think we’re so funny.

“Seriously – or,” and here I clench my jaw and speak through unmoving lips, “as the kids say SRSLY, one, what does that mean, and two, how do I get you to stop saying it?”

“Well,” she says, “You have to be Number Two because Jon’s Number One.”

Ahh.

“Mary, did you just figure out speed dial?”

Mary, a woman for whom the Internet travels “through trees”, a woman who received a digital camera as a gift last December, a high-tech gadget she vows to learn and use someday, chuckles.  “What else could I mean?”

“I thought maybe you were making some sort of not-so-veiled comment on how little we’ve seen each other recently.”

“We cleaned a condo together Friday,” she reminds me.

“Oh, yeah,” I say, grinning.

“Pffft,” Mary says.  “I make you Number Two and it’s not enough for you, is it?”

“I won’t rest until I’m Number One.”

Mary laughs.  “Good luck with that,” she says.  “Jon keeps me warm in the winter.”

She’s got a point there.  I concede with a chant that garners me strange looks from cube-mate and nemesis, Female Intern:  “I’m Number Two!  I’m Number Two!”

Mondays:  They’re what you make of them.  

39 comments:

Mitchell is Moving said...

I wish my Mondays were filled with such deep and fascinating conversation, and so much excitement! Hello. Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Yes. Well, let 'em out!

haphazardlife said...

Well, being kept warm in winter definitely warrants number one. Unless Mary moves to Florida, you'll always be number two.

Vicus Scurra said...

Would you and/or Mary be free to call me at work?

bill lisleman said...

a woman for whom the Internet travels “through trees” - love it and a good explanation to why she is still setting up speed dial lists. I thought everyone just talked to their digital assistant and asked "her" to call whoever.

Geo. said...

That sound in the trees on windy days --that's not the Internet?

Pearl said...

Mitchell, you've brought back some fond memories of my childhood!

haphazard, Mary is also under contract to never, ever leave. Unless there's a spare room for me wherever she goes...

Vicus, Mary's cleaning a house right now, but she says she'll call you from the car. :-)

bill, she really does insist that it comes through the trees. :-)

Geo., the sound to which you refer is actually just the wind. We call her "Mariah".

Shelly said...

I'm still mulling my place in the universe after finding my handwritten name misspelled in my parents' phone book. The reality never matches the fanstasy, does it?

esbboston said...

There is that biblical saying, something about removing a piece of lumber from your eye, something along those lines. Your tree-Internet comment made me realize that there are two ways to remove the tree from the Internet, you are left with either Intn or Innt. I think I prefer my treeless Internet to be Innt.

Laraine Eddington said...

Take comfort. You're still in front of 911 and Pizza Hut.

vanilla said...

No. 2 out of seven some billion ain't bad. Revel in it.

Symdaddy said...

Here is wisdom. Let her who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a Pearl: Her number is 2. (Rev.13:18 almost)

Macy said...

There is a number 3 isn't there Pearl??? Mary wouldn't do that to you would she.....

Pearl said...

Shelly, I read that one. :-) I feel your pain. My dad still runs through a list of names before he gets to mine...

esb, it took me a moment, but I caught on. :-) And now, I have to go lay down!

Laraine, very funny!

vanilla, excellent point of view. :-)

Sym, oooh the funny's coming out of the woodwork now, iddin it?! :-)

Macy, excellent question. MARY?! YOU OUT THERE??? THERE'S A THREE, RIGHT? NOT JUST ME AND JON??? OK, THEN. GET BACK TO ME WHEN YOU CAN!!!! Right. Let's see if Mary responds...

jenny_o said...

Heck, ALL of life is what you make of it. But you and Mary already appear to know that :)

Love your telephone conversations with her. And tell her I can't use my digital camera either. What's more, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to.

Lynn said...

You and your friend sound fun. Too bad that cube-mate is a nemesis! But at least you gave her something to talk about. :)

Pat Tillett said...

I always tried to make my kids think that each of them was number one. It didn't work at all. They all thought they were number two...
Great and funny post Pearl!

Pearl said...

Jenny, our motto is "hey! Who has more fun than us?" :-)

Lynn, Female Intern is a nemesis in name only. :-) I normally dislike interns just because I can, but she's actually an adorably earnest little thing.

Pat, thank you! I just had the one, so he's both Number One and Number Two. :-)

Simply Suthern said...

You used to have Sprockets and Napkins in the company name. I'm beginning to think your business is just a front for the Home Shopping Network.

esbboston said...

You cracked me up laughing: My comment forced you to take a nap ?!?!? Thats okay, I am finished de-painting for today, ran errands, instaLLed a new router at home so Facetime would work, so now finaLLy Coopie and I are snuggling, -yawn- blinkz zzzz (Yes, there was a griLLed chicken sandwich hidden in there somewheres as sweLL. Mmm ...)

Stephen Hayes said...

Thanks for providing me with a good laugh.

Roses said...

I like Mary. I like you too.

You're both nuts and brilliant fun on a Monday.

And great when I'm reading you on Tuesday too (see what I did there?)

Indigo Roth said...

I'm with Roses. No, not the flowers! The lady above. I wanna meet you and Mary, perhaps come and do a little light dusting with you? I'm great with cobwebs in corners, and I handle dust bunnies heroically. Barely a flinch. Indigo x

Gigi said...

I need conversations like that - not just on Monday but every day. I'll expect her call tomorrow.

Pat said...

The senior son was affronted when I thoughtlessly put his yonger bro as #1 in the phone directory.

River said...

I really need to try harder to inject a little levity into my Mondays. The last time I tried I got some odd looks because I wasn't discussing football like everyone else.

Mom of A and a said...

I hope female intern construes that for something sinister coming her way!!

Eva Gallant said...

Being Mary's number two is better than being most people's number one!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I am sitting outside on a hot but lovely evening. I have had 1 -/2 glasses of wine, well maybe closer to two. Somehow your post makes perfect sense to me.

R. Jacob said...

I did not know that Astro answered the phone at your place!

CarrieBoo said...

What, you can get speed dial now? :D Never actually used it! LOL.

Susan Kane said...

You make Mondays into something worthwhile. Thanks!

ThreeOldKeys said...

i understand that when you're number 2, you try harder.

also, say "hey" to Mr. Sprocket for me.

mary i said...

I had a rough hot day. Then I read you and Mary and all those great comments, Thanx from alabama :)

Jocelyn said...

And then you and Mary each pulled the empty bean cans from your ears and traced the thread of the string connecting them until you met in the middle.

Which is its own special kind of Being Each Other's Number Ones, really.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Your conversations make me want to clean condos - or perhaps wear the black pants, white shirt - with you and Mary.

Tempo said...

It's good to see you back safe and sound Pearl, I expect the post about your busted Laptop and how you came to throw it at the wall is well underway?
Congratulations on your promotion to number two and I wish you fast and brutal advancement to the top position sometime soon.

That gentleman's lady said...

Her reason is legit! Does she have kids? You beat her kids!

NellieVaughn said...

Kind of reminds me of the friends list on MySpace, and how it was numbered. I was never anyone's number one. Sometimes, I made it to three or four, but never one.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Remember when we were little, and the Hertz commercials said, "We're #2, but we try harder."?

My Dad brought be me back a gift from a trip that he took. It was a sign that said, "I'm #3. I don't try at all."

I took it as my life's motto.