I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, July 23, 2012

What Am I Thinking? Oh, Not Much...


“The walk to the bus may have looked like any other, but Monday was the day that changed everything.”

I’ve been known to narrate my life. Not aloud, of course, because that would be unseemly. No use in frightening my fellow citizens.

I prefer to think that the commentary in my head is more entertaining than what’s going on around me.

I don’t limit my narrations to my life, though.

I’m willing to narrate yours as well.

“Little did she know that the person next to her at the Farmer’s Market, the person inspecting the turnips, then the rutabagas, was her brother Frank, the man who had left for the Navy 15 years ago only to be struck by lightning and left wandering, witless all these years, in his pursuit of the perfect root vegetable.”

My lips don’t move while I do this, so it’s perfectly normal. Or at least it appears perfectly normal.

Now if my lips moved

I sometimes see people’s lips moving. They’re walking down the street, fully engaged in something or other. Before Bluetooth and teeny-tiny headphones, this was more amusing than it is now. Like the 'rahr, rahr, rahr' of a dog with a mouthful of peanut butter, one could envision any monologue one liked. Now, however, rather than imagining someone reciting the “I’m-leaving-you-you-rat-bastard” speech as they push their grocery cart through the condiment aisle, the odds are actually much better that the real-life conversation they are having on the world’s smallest phone is more along the lines of “How many kinds of mustard do we have?”

Boring!

So I’m going to continue to create little fantasy lives around them, what they’re saying, where they’re going, why they’re meeting.

Oh, if only they knew how happy they make me, these lip-moving people, or how very much I love them.

43 comments:

Amy said...

My mother-in-law has the most annoying habit of mouthing the words you are saying as you say them. It is really bizarre and difficult not to stare at her while she does it. What is that all about?

Vicus Scurra said...

That woman over there! That one writing the blog! Does she know we are all reading it?

Vicus Scurra said...

Thank you, Amy, I have a new hobby to try.

Linda O'Connell said...

My step brother, the marine who travled the world, noted that only people in St. Louis talk to themsleves. He's right. In the supermarket, Wal-mart, everywhere they spout what they think. Scary sometimes. Imay have been heard saying, "Now what did I come down this aisle for?"

Sioux said...

Just like Sarah Palin and George W. Bush was the gravy in the lives of comedians, these lip-movers make you life more interesting.

And given the path our country is going on, I don't think you'll ever have to contend with a lack of lip-movers and mouth-breathers.

mermaid gallery said...

That's what makes people watching so great....making up their stories....always best with a cocktail in hand though....great entertainment always! I talk to myself a lot....but my husband thinks it weird because I answer myself too.....

Hannah Denski said...

Ah, good old people watching! I bet we're all at it! : )x

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Oops...did I say that out loud?

Eva Gallant said...

I often talk to myself, but only when I'm at home. I hate it when people interrupt my conversations with myself!

esbboston said...

[drool] I likes the thickly padding on my waLLs, too's.

Simply Suthern said...

AS long as you are not saying outloud what can it hurt.

The folks you create are a lot more interesting anyways.

Leauxra said...

The more I am concentrating, the more likely it is that I am muttering to myself as I do so. You know I am on onto something BIG when I actually drool.

jenny_o said...

A wit once observed: When I talk to myself at least I can be sure of intelligent conversation.

I'd like to think I do that, but realistically I only talk to myself to rehash what I SHOULDA said to that person, or to help my middle-aged mind focus on what I started out to do, or to say bad words if I'm stressed :)

vanilla said...

The mustard conversation you imagine is going on in my head is probably wildly exciting compared to what is really in there.

Ms Sparrow said...

Ah, I miss the old days when the person chatting away by themself was certified dotty. Now, you have to crane your neck or reposition yourself to see if there is an electronic device in play before you can make any determination.

Buttons said...

I thought I was the only one who did that:) B

Susan in the Boonies said...

Because creative people, such as yourself
just.
can't.
STOP.

It is another facet of the chattering of your monkeymind.

Pearl said...

:-) Am fully enjoying the comments. Have been feeling pretty down lately, and haven't been getting to so many of the truly wonderful writers/blogs out there. I should be normal again soon.

Right? :-)

Happy Frog and I said...

It still freaks me out a bit seeing people talking out loud to no one in particular, then I realise they are talking into some sort of communication device. It is in no way freaky when I sing along to the music on my iPod and occasionally get caught out. That's just me being eccentric. ;)

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Fantasy is good, but still keep listening for the warning phrases from the people, like:

"I'm going to light the fuze now"

or

"I'll start as soon as I get more ammo"

or even

"That women is looking strangely at me and is moving her lips". "She's gotta go first"

Amy said...

When I was much younger, I worked at a c-store halfway between the mental health center and the county jail. We had an elderly lady, not a tooth in her mouth, she would look right through you, then hold conversation (complete with laughter) with the hot dogs on the roller grill. Good times!

bill lisleman said...

You should have Frank the sailor meet your cats. Hey browse by and drop off any fantasy you like.

Lolamouse said...

This is why I have dogs. I can talk to them and it doesn't look quite as strange!

sage said...

I love your fantasy life for Frank.

Stephen Hayes said...

I miss the good old days before cell phones when you knew the person talking to themselves on the street was schizophrenic.

Indigo Roth said...

Oi, Pearl! Don't be lip-synching me! You'll put me off; I'm bustin' some sweet moves over here. Roth x

CarrieBoo said...

I can't write when I'm down, yet here you are writing your brilliant wit, making others laugh. You're a star, Pearl. You can come and narrate my life any day. :) Feel better, pumpkin.

R. Jacob said...

what is normal? I am more like a b normal right about now...

vanilla said...

I guess that could be another adventure: Pearl as Normal.

Wishing you on top of your world soon.

Gigi said...

Hmmm, I talk to myself all day long....and to inanimate objects too. But I'm sure whatever you could come up with would be better than whatever is coming out of my mouth.

Sorry you are down. Life is so stressful (hence why I talk to myself and inanimate objects) isn't it?

Mom of A and a said...

I'm totally giggling at this!!!

Elsie said...

I remember when those ear buds first came out, the ones with the wires and I'd never seen one before and a girl sitting next to me was having a conversation with what I thought was me. When she didn't answer me, I thought she was rude. She finally rolled her eyes at me and showed me the wire and put it to her mouth when she spoke. I quickly got up and changed seats.

Geo. said...

"...brother Frank...left wandering, witless all these years..."

I have a brother Frank, never in navy or lightning-struck, but often witless. Are you psychic?

Shelly said...

My inner narration is in even riskier danger of slipping out of my mouth the more I age. Sigh. I see a straight jacket coming-

The Elephant's Child said...

Sometimes I find myself yearning for a padded room and a jacket to match. And then I read something like this delightful post which reminds me that there is still a lot of fun to be savoured out here.

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

Hiya Pearlchen!

My lips are moving as I type. I use them as ... well, lip-marks ... a bit like bookmarks. I'd be lost without them ... and somewhat frayed around the mouth.

I too have a habit of observing people and 'snap editing' segments of their lives to suit my own personal madness.

If only they knew what was going through my mind! I shudder to think about all those law suits.

Oh, and by the way ... when you are feeling down ... you must be dating a midget!

NellieVaughn said...

Charlie Larsen. He is a very lovely boy I once knew. We would meet at the library every week, and sit together while he would create these stories for me about the people that would pass by us.

Pat said...

A favourite occupation used to be sitting on a bus upstairs, and eavesdropping on conversations - edpecially in Lancashire where they were less self conscious and you could hear them easily, and the broad accents enriched the experience.
"They're livin' over't brush!"
A small example meaning they are cohabiting and NOT MARRIED!!

Paula Wooters said...

The blue-tooth is god's gift to schizophrenics. I hope you always continue to enjoy your inner musings... and that you share them with us!

Freshwater Pearl said...

Thank you for sharing .I love your fantasy life for Frank.

goatman said...

"witless all those years" -- reminds me of me.

Cute blob you have here.