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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Stick THAT in Your Funk and Wagnalls...


As a lover of words of all sizes, levels of subtlety, and countries of origin, I’d like to speak to you on behalf of the Citizens for Creativity in Cursing.

I’m a fan of cursing. Not just your standard, four-letter scatological words, crude words spoken without thought, words used by the drunken, the lazy, or the uninspired.

Why limit yourself to four letters?

There is, arguably, a time for drunken, lazy, uninspired and clich├ęd curse words. I personally find myself drunk, lazy and uninspired at least once a month and have relied on them at various points in my life.

When I pumped gas for a living? Four-letter-word dependent.

When I washed dishes for a living? Again, four-letter-word dependent.

But when I’m not drunk, lazy, uninspired or working for minimum wage, I am thinking about words and the words I use. And monkeys.

Words and monkeys.

So I’ve been thinking about curses and curse words.

I mean, what kind of non-crack-smoking, rent-paying, rectum-clenching mouth-breather would I be if I weren’t concerned about the things that go into my daily life the way words do?

Take the guy on the bus on the way home Wednesday. This baggy-pants-wearin’, ghetto-fashioned bozo slouched so as to take up both seats. On a packed bus, this Snoop-Dogg-emulating Dollar-Menu-splurging pustule lay insolently across a seat meant to accommodate two.

Now would a four-letter word do him justice? I think not.

We owe it to ourselves to develop a more descriptive way of communication.

Can the CCC count on your support? They demand no less of us.



p.s. I sat with him, He of the Insolent Manner. Oh, yes, I did. “Move over there, sweetie, would ya?” He was shocked into compliance.

Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaa.

41 comments:

R. Jacob said...

the evil laugh
love it
what day is the drinking day? my days end in y, usually...

Camille said...

Absolutely well done Pearl. I was (quite unfairly)flipped the bird while stuck in traffic the other day. So I blew the little sucker a big ol' mmmmmwwwahhh kiss and tossed in a smile for good measure. He turned red and avoided eye contact with me for the next several minutes as we were all stuck in traffic hell. It was delightful.

joeh said...

I hate the seat hog. Sit on the outside and then act all suprised when someone asks if the inside seat is taken. It takes them three "excuse me's"to acknowledge you are even there.

The mother friggin prigatorshinip fragger floggerplopping flugs!!

Douglas said...

Having served in Uncle Sam's (gotta love `im)Navy, I became well versed in 4 lettering. And all other words of ill repute. They were taught to us, initially, in Boot Camp. Well, those of us who hadn't learned most of them during our early teens, that is.

I prefer, in my old age, to be more creative. I prefer to use words of my own creation... such as "muffafleeger" and "awfswitch"... but that's just me.

Sioux said...

One of my favorites came from a friend, who got it from her husband from his military days:

la-tee-m*****-f******-dah.

Perhaps the CCC's guide could be your next book?

Shelly said...

I try to control my mouth, really I do, but what goes through my mind in times of stress and anger are the words of the Spanish kind. It makes it sound much more flowery.

Leenie said...

A soft answer turneth away wrath but a true leader always keeps an element of surprise up his sleeve. Well done, Grasshopper.

bill lisleman said...

Back in the 30's (I learned from my father I'm not that old) the federal government ran a helpful program called the CCC. Your version is much more updated for today's virtual world. I'm always looking for a better curse word to save me from the relatives. I've thought about cursing in a foreign language.
Please accept my donation of "fubar".

Symdaddy said...

As a fellow lover of words, I would like to invite you to one day look at some ancient fornications with me!

The Dancing Donkey said...

I am so with you on this one. In fact, you may enjoy this little scenario from a few months ago...

http://thedancingdonkey.blogspot.com/2012/04/time-for-all-things.html

jenny_o said...

Lately I find myself using those words too often; I think it is a sign of stress. I shall have to try to be more creative.

Love the "sweetie" attack, as well as Camille's reaction to her fellow driver - may I borrow, please?

Mamma has spoken said...

Kill the douche bag with kindness, sweet!
My favorite non swear word is asinine just because it sounds like you are swearing but your not ;o)

TexWisGirl said...

good girl, pearl! you rock!

Joanna Jenkins said...

You just put a big smile on my face. You showed that idiot who's REALLY boss of the bus.

YOU ROCK PEARL.
xo jj

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

If you're aspiring to a better class of cursing, it sounds like you need to get yourself your very own copy of the "Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue." (No kidding!) It was written back in 1811, and is full of all kinds of cool expressions. Like, how about calling someone a "twiddle poop"? Or telling him to kiss your "blind cupid"?

vanilla said...

Shocked? Terrified, more like. That was a pretty decent swear. I'm not a fan of scatology, but when one hears the music of a good curse...

L-Kat said...

I'm all for more descriptive curse words! I'm getting bored with the ones I use.

Ms Sparrow said...

Forcing reluctant compliance is such sweet revenge!

Daisy said...

using "sweetie" will bowl them over every time!
I also use "love" "darling" etc., but I'm 74! more in dog years!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Move over there, sweetie, would ya?" TOTALLY something I would have - and have - done.
Btw I, too, have pumped the gas. I swear, Pearl - sometimes our similarities amaze me.
And sometimes they just amuse me. :)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hannah Denski said...

Ah, you're a darling! Aren't ya? : )x

Joanne said...

Ah, yes. The current version of my mother's famous "kill them with kindness" solution. Nice one.

Indigo Roth said...

Hell yeah, you Alpha-Pearled that gangsta good, and made him behave like a little girlie man! I bet he even apologised, the baggy-trousered numpty. Roth x

Eva Gallant said...

You are such a gutsy broad! Love it!

Ian Lidster said...

You can always count on my support in all that you do, including cussing out louts on the bus. There is always the WC Fields approach which is to use soundalikes, as in "Godfrey Daniel" or "Mother of Pearl". I have been party to colorful invective twice in my working. In the first case when I was a student and worked in a plywood mill in the summers, and I found that all could be punctuated with the letter F. And then much more recently when I was addictions counseling. Junkies aren't notably delicate in their verbiage, so one has to follow suit.

Glen said...

I've always quite enjoyed using "you funshng mum cuddler" I find it fits quite a lot of occasions.

Folk generally just aren't thinking - if you show no fear and ask politely they usualy move over - well done you

esbboston said...

"Sweetie" ?!?!?

Hah!

Pear-l's gott-a boy-fri-end,
Pear-l's gott-a boy-fri-end,
Na-na-na-na-naaaaa-na,
Pear-l's gott-a boy-fri-end!


(oh, sorry, that was s'pposed to be 'got-ta')

Laurel's Quill said...

Ever the humorist!!! Love it...but I swore off swearing, except for the occassional four-letter word that accidentally slips out:)(what a crock of *^($#@*#%^!!...)

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

He was clearly the east end of a donkey facing west. Calling him "sweetie" just perpetuates improper manners and that can exacerbate the problem, although it is inherently better than referring to his fat sorry 'sweetass' or leaving his "royal cuddlebum' contaminating an otherwise healthy bus seat with unwashable cuddlebacteria. Where's your road (bus stop) rage?

Geo. said...

Found post most instructive. New to this. Does one do this "rectum-clenching" before or after swearing at recalcitrant seat-partners? Does it really work?

Gigi said...

I would definitely like to become a card carrying member of the CCC.

Way to go, Pearl. Someone's got to teach these younguns today some manners. It might as well be you.

Stephen Hayes said...

Very funny. I must remember to never tick you off.

Britton Minor said...

The German version of certain words do quite nicely...especially if no one around you speaks the language!

Cheryl said...

Got the book, Pearl. Thanks so much. Gotta ask, which one are you?
And my best to you,
Cheryl

ThreeOldKeys said...

nicely played ... you did the Momma. i daresay most bus-riding thuglets are no match for the Momma.

my dad's deepest, darkest curse was "Good Night ..." and it came out so quiet and controlled you just knew he was livid. scary times.

chlost said...

Better hold off on a Texas CCC office for now.

http://www.kare11.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=1730813707001

A woman has been charged for her creative use of language there.

Macy said...

Move over there sweetie

Could have been the start of a beautiful friendship Pearl. Entire romcoms have been built on less.

River said...

"move over there sweetie, would 'ya?"
I have GOT to try that one day.
See how many I can shock into compliance.
But first maybe I should buy a suit of armor....

lime said...

now and then life calls for a good 4 letter, anglo-saxon cuss. but so many times, it's so gratifying to go all roget's thesaurus on some neanderthal who really needs it.

Pat said...

Absobloomin'brill!