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Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Operators are Standing By!


My brain has found itself in a rut lately. Initially, I was horrified, but, three beers in, I’m actually feeling kinda comfy.

My rut? I’m consumed with thoughts of poverty, with images of myself in line at a food shelf or making my lousy winter boots last another season.

But Pearl, my inner pioneer woman says, them boots done lasted you for eight years now! They’re fine boots!

And this is true. Them boots have lasted a good long time.

But what if they develop a hole, say, in October; and I can’t replace them? I can already picture myself at the bus stop, my feet wrapped in towels and stuffed into bread bags.

I need additional income. But I don’t actually want to work any more than I do now – between corporate work, writing, cleaning, serving, and yoga, who has time for toiling?

I’m tired of working the old-fashioned way. Working is for suckers.

I need a scam.

What do you think of this? You ready?

Dark-B-Gone.

That’s right! Dark-B-Gone! Are you tired of inadequate lighting? Are you confused by twilight? Looking for a dusk remedy? For only $19.99 I will share with you the secret of shadow removal, the techniques that the people in charge – do we need to use names?! – don’t want you to know!

But wait! There’s more!

For an additional $19.99 I will also send to you the many processes and procedures available for light eradication! Tired of squinting? The sun, fluorescent lights, even candles can wreak havoc with the eyes! Why use your pupils more than you need to? Try my tried and proven methods to eliminate this problem!

And just to show you how serious I am, here’s one technique for light reduction absolutely free! You ready?

Blinking! That’s right. Blinking. That one’s for free. And I have several – several! – other ways of beating illumination issues right here, right in my hot little hand, and they’re all yours for only $19.99.

E-mail now* and receive both these offers, both Dark-B-Gone and Dark Now, for just $39.98! Imagine the looks on friends’ faces when you possess the answers to questions like “Does it seem dark to you?” and “It seems awfully bright in here, doesn’t it?”

Contact me within the next 24 hours and receive, my gift to you, a genuine Certificate of Illumination, complete with hand-lettering and a naugahyde carrying case.

Hurry! Call now!



*Offer not available where people are using their brains.

45 comments:

ellen abbott said...

do you take charge cards? I'd like to purchase three sets and I want you to charge me for six sets and just send me the difference via money order. OK? Do we have a deal?

Lynn said...

I'm with ya on the scrambling for money. No fun at all.

But Light be Gone sounds like a lot of fun! :)

fmcgmccllc said...

Here in SE Michigan the radio news is reporting the latest scam, if you give me your ssn Obama will pay your water bill. I think we have 7 suckers this morning.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Will the shipping and handling be the usual $32.99 and an extra charge for the certification with the hand lettering and genuine naugahyde carrying case. Tax to be added, of course. Such a bargain I can not refuse.

Dawn in D.C. said...

Um, sorry, I'm a tough sell. However, I do have some extra bread bags I'll be glad to send you to get your feet through the winter. I'll even throw in the twistie ties!

Maggie May said...

Well if you can get anyone to fall for that lot..... good luck to you! You deserve it! Ha!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Jeanie said...

I'm sure that if you e-mail this offer to every one you know the money will come rolling in "in the blink of an eye" and you will be sportin' some new boots just as fast.

Pearl said...

:-) This offer is proving to be just as popular as I thought it would!

I'll be buying the name-brand tuna again in no time.

terlee said...

If those winter boots spring a leak, you know what to do, Pearl.

Yeah, duct tape. It comes in many cool and cheery colors these days, so your boots could look stylish and trendy...and no doubt last another eight years.

Oh, and thanks for that free tip on blinking. I think it's working already!!

Mitchell is Moving said...

Wow. $39.98 for both? A sale! I'll take six -- as long as there's no limit on that special deal. The blinking thing is amazing. I've been doing it for the last three minutes and can't believe the results. Can't wait to get the total package!

L-Kat said...

My Minnesota-blogger-friend Pearl is now a scammer! You called me multi-faceted, but that label also applies to you! :) PS- I hope it never comes to it, but I've found duct tape works well on winter boots.

Amy said...

And don't forget all that extra plasma you've got hanging around, they pay you for that ya know! A few pints of plasma and your little piggies could be cozy all 9 months of winter.

Laurel's Quill said...

Maybe try Avon or Silpada...something with a more tangible product...!!! LOL!

Al Penwasser said...

Hey, that beer works wonders!!!
I've had a pair of boots since the 1990s (and a wife since 1986. The two events are unrelated. As far as I know). They're from LL Beans (the boots only. Mrs. Penwasser is from Virginia), so I'm thinking that says a lot for their quality.
Although, I have to wonder how they stay in business when it takes decades for customers to buy new shoes.
By the way, as I swelter here, I thank you for mentioning WINTER boots.
Ahhhhh................

Eva Gallant said...

Oh,no, Pearl! Has it come to that! Have you thought of selling your sexual favors? At least you could work on your back!

Elsie said...

Very creative thinking. I'm thinking about bringing back an oldie but a goodie. Just run an ad saying "Send $5 now before you miss out!!! and give a PO Box but don't tell them what they are sending the money for and then close the PO Box before anyone figures out they didn't get anything in return...wonder if that works anymore?

Laraine Eddington said...

I'd order your light products but I already blew the budget on spray-on head paint to disguise baldness.

Al Penwasser said...

@Eva: I can sell my sexual favors?
Screw workin' for the man.

Ms Sparrow said...

Hey, good luck with that...but in the meantime, how about checking out some of those lovely thrift stores?
Unique beckons you, and things are 25% off on Fridays!

Pearl said...

I'd almost forgotten about the plasma -- and honestly, what am I doing with all these TOES??? Do we really need 10?

Hmm. I'll bet there's money to be made in mix-and-match toes...

Pat Tillett said...

Certificate of Illumination...
Another Pearl classic!

~Sia McKye~ said...

LMAO! Oh, I needed this laugh. I like how you think. Love the disclaimer!


Sia McKye OVER COFFEE

fishducky said...

Dammit, Pearl--you didn't leave a phone number!! Where am I supposed to call to place my order?

esbboston said...

Money? You need money? Why didn't you say so earlier? I'm eXtremely wealthy, just send me your mailing address and I'll have my assistant over in Charity send you some of those green pieces of paper everyone is so greedy about, pictures of dead presidents and famous ancient American residents.

I think this how the Dark Ages started. Oh goody, its Wed-nes-day, Lotto day in Texas.

I looked the other day and my Vibram Fivefinger Komodo Sports stiLL look pretty good after wearing this pair for a year, but there are a few holes in the fabric between the toes. Who knew that I had such busy little toes, who would've thunk?

Stephen Hayes said...

Blinking? What a fool you are to give that gem away for free. I bet you didn't even bother to patent blinking, so it's probably up for grabs. I'm off to mail my patent form.

The Jules said...

Do you do a tactical emergency services version?

bill lisleman said...

naugahyde and beer - great offer. I can't find naugahyde anywhere. I thought they stop making it. I just hope the beer is not as old as the naugahyde.

Indigo Roth said...

HEY! This sounds like a knock-off of my 72-part correspondence course YOU AND YOUR DIMMER SWITCH. And I'm sure you didn't pay for it beyond the first two of the five-degree modules. CEASE AND DESIST, PEARL! Why, I oughta...

Sioux said...

What's the cost for S & H?

I'm sending off my order immediately.

Cheryl said...

Pearl, I hear there's a lot of money to be made in accordian repair.

jenny_o said...

Wonderfully silly but frighteningly accurate take-off :)

Actually I could use one of each - I'm always complaining about either the dimness or the brightness. Never happy!

Gigi said...

I am currently (im)patiently waiting to receive my return on investment (lottery ticket). I expect I'll be absolutely ROLLING in dough any day now. And then I'd be able to afford to buy your amazing product.

Fragrant Liar said...

Hate to tell you this, but for FREE, because of YOU and your genius idea, I ALREADY feel illuminated!

Back to the drawing board, Pearly.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, have you not heard of the best money-making venture on the market? Selling striped paint! Three buckets for ten bucks! You can pile'em up like a pyramid! Amaze your friends! Just send me $39.95 for your free demonstration bucket! You can blink now. See the light? ":)

HermanTurnip said...

My favorite pair of boots I've owned for over twenty years. The left boot has a hole in the crease where the toes flex. The right boot is missing an eyelet. But these things are like a second skin on me. I've worn them to nearly fifty concerts, and the steel toed area has saved me from many a crush foot.

If a man can have a favorite pair of footwear, then these are mine...

ThreeOldKeys said...

I will But Wait for the infomercial. Maybe it will answer my questions:

Is the hand-lettered Certificate of Illumination well-illuminated? By monks?

Do you have plans to branch out into Magnification?

Does PETA know you're abusing naugas?

and

??? The "on your back" comment was from Eva ???

River said...

Hey! That's my line! "I need more money but I don't want to work for it". That's why I buy lottery tickets now and again. Haven't won yet though.
Take those super awesome boots to the bootmaker now, while you can still (almost) afford it and get the soles replaced if they need it, heels too, they'll be sure to last at least another three winters after that.
The light and dark things? Hmmm, my own methods work well enough, thanks anyway.

Alistair said...

You need my book "Never buy Winter boots again" - only £5 per month including vols 2 + 3 at absolutely no extra cost. Subscribe and receive a page a week forever.

For example, tip 666 is - keep your feet dry by standing on small children - please note these are reusable ad infinitum dependant on size and location.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Roly Clu said...

My name is Jasper and I live in Nigeria. My father left me millions in America and I need your help. If I buy everything you got can you send me 200000 dollars to my bank account and I will transfer 200000 dollars into your account.

That Janie Girl said...

Cwazy Pearl!! xoxoxox

the walking man said...

is there separate shipping and handling on each offer? BUT WAIT!!!! have you tried scrounging returnables?

Barbara Blundell said...

If this doesn't take off Pearl I have some winter boots with a little wear left in them you can have . They are suede ankle length and have fur ( Faux ) round the top and little zips Size 6

Diane said...

Naugahyde? Did you not realize that this comes from the rare and endangered Naugaboo? For $19.95, plus tax, I'll NOT report you for your crimes . . . For $39.98, I'll NOT report you twice . . .

NellieVaughn said...

The best way to make a quick buck, not that I've tried it, no matter how much Sally from across the street says I have, is to sell cookies when the Girl Scouts are not.

Pat said...

I'm wearing boots with a tiny toe hole because the idiots have stopped making them and they are irreplaceable.