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Sunday, July 1, 2012

Oh, So You Want To STOP Now, Too, Huh?

BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT.
A Harley just smaller than my first apartment has pulled up in front of the house.

Mary and Jon, having heard my plaintive cries for help, have made a house call.

And they brought Dean with them, a wild-eyed handsome man who rides with a Miniature Pinscher named Baby Girl balanced on his gas tank…

I'm sorry. Where was I?

Oh yes. The call for help.

That’s right. My car, sometimes referred to as The Pedicure (based on its recent Flintstone-like braking system) and sometimes called the “Beeg Piece of Sheet” (according to my quaintly honest friend Maryna), is back to making ghastly metal-on-metal noises.

The back brakes? Oh, that was so last month.

This month? Why, the front brakes, of course!

This is what comes with a 20-year-old one-payment car.

Truth be told, it was a small payment. And it was three years ago.

So what’s my problem, huh? Why don’t I just get another car?

Because I hate payments.

“Ees problem, no? You’re not ashamed?” Maryna said Saturday night. “Beautiful woman in piece of sheet car. Ees not right. Mike, geev to Pearl our keys. We haff beautiful car. You take. You drive.”

I laughed her off. “If I cared about what the car looked like, then it would matter to me and I would get a new car,” I said. “But I don’t care about what it looks like. It just has to get me from Point A to Point B.”

Apparently, however, I forgot to include, in the getting-me-from-here-to-there speech, that the ability to brake properly should figure in to the equation.



And here I thought I might run out of places to spend my money. 

30 comments:

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! I feel for you; I have a nasty suspicion that my car is about to become a hole to throw money into. Perhaps we can convince our cars to elope and claim the insurance? Indigo x

Gigi said...

Getting from A to B is a necessity. But then so are brakes.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oooh. Our Momvan is paid in full and I know we're driving on borrowed time since we made the final payment.
I could drive without a lot of features--directional signals, taillights, A/C, cruise control--but brakes? Yeah, that would be terrifying.

Happy Frog and I said...

I do love your posts Pearl and I will be 'borrowing' Beeg Piece of Sheet. Genius. Until it finally died in 2006 I threw money at my 20 year old gas guzzling car. It was called Magda the Mazda and I loved it though my bank balance didn't. Eventually she couldn't be saved and my next car was much more reliable, though not with as much character.

ellen abbott said...

I hate car payments. I drove my Volvo for 24 years until it stranded me three times in 6 months. Even I had to admit it wouldn't last forever. But now we made it through the four year ordeal and husband is making noises about getting a car (our current ride is a truck...limited space for people).

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

When you end up spending as much on repairs/oil/excessive gasoline as you would on making car payments....it's time to give in. I hate car payments...hate them hate them hate them.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I would like to post a comment about brakes or cash or friendly rescues, but I'm still focused on Fever, the song playing in your smoky cat dive.

It might be my longest earworm ever.

And it's so entertaining to imitate Peggy Lee ... she really knew how to conserve syllables.

good luck with your car ....

snap snap snap snap

Symdaddy said...

With your "Beeg Piece of Sheet" and my "Beeg Piece of Sheet" pretty soon we'll have a whole mountain of sheet!

Sheet happens I theenk!

SparkleFarkle said...

The front breaks?? Out?! GOOD GRIEF and thank God you didn't have to type this dead! Glad you're safe, Pearlie. As for your jitney's breaks leaving you high and dry: the audacity!

Joanne said...

Gheeze, I feel such a piker with only 95,000 on my seven year old car. But the day I stopped at a light, in the rain, and slid into the intersection, with grandchildren in the backseat, I went and bought new tires.

Suze said...

Great last line. :)

Joe Pereira said...

I love the way you write Pearl. You can turn a call for help with the car into well-written comedy :)

vanilla said...

You have a car, piece of sheet or not, and you have a place to spend money. Always. Count on it.

jenny_o said...

"A Harley just smaller than my first apartment..." - wonderful!

Does Baby Girl hand tools to Dean or is she just eye candy?

Sioux said...

Dean? Wild eyed? Handsome? A dog lover?

Does the plot thicken?

Hannah Denski said...

You're the greatest! Storyteller ever! Love x

Juli said...

I love my new car. HATE the payments. But it is good to know that my husband can fit in the new car...

HermanTurnip said...

Ack! You still have that car?! I swear, gonna take up a donation to get you into a new set of wheels...

Eva Gallant said...

Brakes become a matter of safety, Pearl; you may need to suck it up and buy a car!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I have had a few sheet cars. There comes a time though when you have to bite the bullet and accept those payments in exchange for being safe. So invite that handsome man Dean to help you find a replacement for the one payment vehicle. Having him along might help lighten the sting of signing way half your paycheck for the next four or five years.

esbboston said...

My first car was a Datsun Dilapidated. My second vehicle was a Datsun pickup. After a loooooong series of cars I have made it back to a truck, an F-350. I plan to keep it a very long time ..... .... ... .. . I pat it on the dash lightly and lovingly everyonce in awhile and with a hushed whisper smile, I tell it, "I wuv you, Twuckie"

Stephen Hayes said...

I share your attitude towards cars, but brakes are rather important.

NellieVaughn said...

I've purchased all of the cars I have ever owned at an auction. Terrible mistake. They last a maximum of four years, and with the amount of money I put into them, I could just get a new car.

River said...

Brakes? Pfft! You don't need brakes. Just install a large parachute on the back end of your car. And an ejector seat in place of your drivers seat. Just in case the parachute doesn't work.
I love Harleys.

Roses said...

Honey, there's always a place for you to spend your money.

Unfortunately, you're going to have to bite the bullet. You're throwing good money after bad and braking is something you really need to be able to do.

I'd like you to stick around a while longer if that's ok.

Tempo said...

You Americans really have to stop putting salt on the roads...it's very bad for cars... Sure there will be deaths, but there is a price to be paid for shiny, rustless cars.

CarrieBoo said...

Brakes are over-rated! ;)

Pat Tillett said...

Yeah, I think being able to stop, is a big part of driving!

Diane said...

Have you considered an anchor? Cheap or free if you walk the beach in Newfoundland . . .

Susan in the Boonies said...

The pedicure! Love it!