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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Now If I Could Just Harness My Inner Jackass


So I was laying on my yoga mat Tuesday, pressing my forehead into the ground, as is my wont, when it occurred to me that I have entered a new stage in my life.

The stage?

The stage wherein I successfully cage my inner monkey.

There we were, in the yoga studio.  The temperature in the room is this side of “Bake”, the humidity just short of awakening the vestigial gills I’ve been holding on to for just such an occasion.  Perspiration rolling off us, we are contemplating the next move (“you will plant your hands on your mat, shoulder-width apart, tuck your knees up into your armpits and simply lift yourself off the ground”). We are inches from each other, breathing deeply and rhythmically.

Breathe in.

Yessiree, Bob, there we are: just me and 49 of my favorite people (between the hours of 5:30 and 6:30 p.m.).

And it wasn’t long ago that my brain would’ve chosen this very moment to ricochet with distracted, babbling thoughts. It’s too hot! Too hot! What’s the temperature in here? How much longer before I can lay down and play dead? Have I mentioned that it’s too hot?

Indulging my inner monkey is not why I go to yoga.   She has to stop.

The monkey casts a sideways glance at the tepid moat of sweat surrounding the mat of the man eight inches to my right and begins to work on the comment that will keep me from concentrating.  I successfully fight her back into the same corner of my mind where I keep Metallica lyrics and the closing times of local fast food joints. I promise her that we’ll look for trophy-sized cigarette butts on the way home and watch Cops after my shower.

The monkey loves Cops.

Don’t get me wrong. The monkey keeps me entertained, says terrible and amusing things I cannot repeat about the woman in the gold Spandex and the odds of finding loose change in the folds that make up much of her topography.

And it was the monkey who suggested I turn off my iPod Monday morning and listen in on the disagreement between Pookie and Boo.

Frankly, Boo’s trippin’.

This is the same monkey, however, who makes obscene references during solemn moments and encourages me to eat uncooked cake batter. The same monkey who likes to inline skate drunk and quit my jobs.

She’s had a good run, that monkey.

Hey. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy her chattering.  I’m not even saying that there isn’t room, now and then, for the way she stares at my fellow commuters.

I’m saying that sometimes, she gets in my way.

And so I’m harnessing my inner monkey.



I welcome this new stage.  

40 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

So it's monkeys in there that makes us do the things we shouldnt?

I think mine is a jackass.

Vicus Scurra said...

Can I come to your yoga class please?

Brian Miller said...

i am all about freedom for monkeys...hehe...its pretty entertaining...smiles.

Buttons said...

So that's what you call it. B

Shelly said...

My inner primate is an orangutan who is still too entertaining for me to muzzle yet. She makes it bearable when the hairy man next to me on the Free Striders is slinging his sweat all over the place.

Show your inner monkey some love and don't tighten the harness too much-

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

For my part, I'm ALL MONKEY. It's the inner DOVE I have to channel, encourage, feed and grow! You're doing great, Pearl, to have the ratios turned right way round.
Rosemary

Indigo Roth said...

Pearl, the monkey is a distraction, but a source of great joy. Harnessing this awesome power may not solve the world's energy crisis, but if handled properly you may achieve super powers. Be sure to use your powers for Good. Can you Handle The Monkey? Roth x

Pearl said...

:-)

It's true the monkey is a source of amusement, but given the distractions of the last couple months, I think I've indulged the monkey enough for one year. :-)

I am, however, keeping her on retainer, specifically for blog-writing...

Meeling said...

Don't let your monkey become a cymbal playing drone. She is wonderful for making me spit my morning coffee out at the monitor! ;-)

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I call my monkey Carol. She is hidden most of the times, but when she spits out of me, it's holy hell. I want nothing to do with her and blame her rude behavior on a medical condition.

esbboston said...

WHAT?!?!? Your inner monkey is FEmale? This goes against my past eXperience dealing with IM.

On a darker note Cooper has learned to play in the water circle ditches around my grape vines, so I have a muddy mutt in a moat, a very happy one. I must now return outside to watch the progress of my self-cleaning canine .... but first coffee.

esbboston said...

Hah .. I resumed reading and you too used the word moat in the very neXt paragraph! What are the odds of something so odd?

R. Jacob said...

I have an outer monkey who closely resembles King Kong or Godzilla or Raymond Burr, I forget...

terlee said...

I don't have an inner monkey, I have an evil twin. I don't know what would happen if I called her a monkey, but someone would have to pay!!

TexWisGirl said...

congrats on the monkey! good luck on the jackass. wonder who's next!

Eva Gallant said...

sometimes my inner jackass refuses to remain within--then all hell breaks loose!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I kinda like that concept. I certainly have an inner Somebody who could be way nastier than I ever admit to being...if I allowed her the freedom. This post may be responsible for a whole new split personality stage of my life. But if it's useful to curb your monkey's freedom for a time, I congratulate you on finding your way there.

jenny_o said...

And it seemed crowded in your head when we only knew about the little old crass guy and the monkey. Now there's a jackass too? 'Fess up, now, what's the total head count?

Delightful :)

Joanne said...

The monkey could ride off on the jackass, sorta like the Bremmerton musicians. But, you might hate to lose them.

Boom Boom Larew said...

I've heard monkeys are very difficult to harness. It has something to do with being able to use their feet as hands. They just keep getting out of the straight jacket.

Linda O'Connell said...

So, your flying monkey is taking off? I'm going to miss her.

Macy said...

Well done Pearl. My inner monkey insists on fart jokes. Every yoga class. Without fail.

tigey said...

Hmmmm, inner jackass, i like the sound of that

Sioux said...

Perhaps the monkey could write a weekly post for you? It could be the vicarious monkey for all of us.

vanilla said...

Oh? Good luck with that.

Mitchell is Moving said...

I hope we don't miss the Monkey too much!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Heat, yoga, sweat, monkeys...yep...works for me.

Stephen Hayes said...

I have years to go before I reach that stage of enlightenment where I might consider harnessing my inner monkey.

Lin said...

I'd like to hear what your monkey is whispering because then I'd crack up and fall over in your yoga class. I think my monkey and yours must be related because I think those things too!

HermanTurnip said...

I propose a steady diet of Zagnut bars and fruitcakes. Monkeys hate Zagnut and fruitcakes.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

In that case, hon, kindly forward the uncooked cake batter. Thanks.

PS Your writing is always delightful, even when sweaty, smelly and highly distracted.

xoRobyn

ThreeOldKeys said...

mine is a dinner monkey.

Nessa Roo said...

I'm using this at work. "Sorry, boys, I simply cannot be my usual chattering, maniacal self any longer. I'm harnessing my inner monkey."
I can't wait to hear the comebacks on that one.

Linda Sue said...

NOOOO! We LOVE the monkey- the monkey and the metallica lyrics - best part of just about everything ! Do NOT stifle , do not send Ms. Monkey into the corner...we won't have it!
YOU be trippin'!!!

Powdered Toast Man said...

You know what helps? Spanking the monkey!!

Pat said...

Would your monkey like some company?
I'd dearly love to get rid of mine.

River said...

Harnessing is good, but don't forget to be prepared for when the monkey cuts loose.

Hannah Denski said...

Tell me more!!! HOW?! ; )x

NellieVaughn said...

I want someone who is all monkey, all the time. I am at my best when people are at their worst. So, not only would everybody like me if I had a giant monkey friend, but I would also be highly entertained by her antics.

Susan in the Boonies said...

You're harnessing yours, just when I"m thinking about setting mine free.