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Sunday, July 8, 2012

No Jury Will Convict Me

A re-post, yes...


If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side! Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word:

Snoring.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and cadge cigarettes when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a brief but vigorous shaking of the bed. My thinking here is that he will, whilst asleep, believe that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things:
  1. That’s my name;
  2. What's that sound? Sounds like my wife, and;
  3. Grblx zinkt offun garbin.
I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he always mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?” This usually produces some interest.

"Sphurbim?”

“The letter from the IRS," I say. "Did you see it? About the child support!”

Willie has no children, but this last sentence causes him to stop snoring, and, briefly, to stop breathing entirely. The room then takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing conveys an even-keeled quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

There are several pink, sandpaper-like flower-shaped no-slip stickers still grimly clinging, with 1970s style tenacity, to the bottom of the bathtub.

I'll say no more about that.

“Mmmm,” he says as he drifts back to sleepy-time. “Bran' new tubbinshower. Grblx zinkt offun garbin."

"That's what I'm thinking,” I say.



And on a good night, that will take care of the snoring.

31 comments:

R. Jacob said...

rumor has it, so I have heard, you might on occasion breathe loudly enough to wake up a certain cat, just saying...

Shelly said...

My best defense against my husband's occaisional snoring is my 100% deaf right ear. It comes in handy on these nights when I can just roll over onto my good ear...and voila...sweet silence.

joeh said...

Pinch his nose! He will stop and won't even know you did it.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Hubs snores...I've done the jiggle the bed, jiggle the man, rough up the man, yell at the man...now he sleeps in his own bed in the basement .... too far away to jiggle and yell at him .... and I can STILL HEAR HIM SNORING. Course, I occasionally wake myself up snoring (did I say that out loud?).

Bossy Betty said...

No, no jury would convict you--well, except for still having Harvest Gold still around.

Sioux said...

I agree with R. Jacob. Perhaps those two swinging cats had to even call the police on occasion, because Pearl was disturbing the peace with her snoring.

Signed,
Someone with sleep apnea
who's known for their snoring

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

If , just in case, the awful happens and you are forced to save your life by giving up another's, pray for an all woman's jury. You will be out in no time.

fmcgmccllc said...

My solution was separate beds, doors shut, and a very sweet explanation of keeping ones private parts intact.

sage said...

Women can be such wimps... Learn to sleep with distractions (that was the main lesson I learned in high school)

Mitchell is Moving said...

It really is sad the terrible rumors people will start about us. It has been said that I kick and swing my arms and travel all over the bed in my sleep. I don't believe it for a minute. I'm sure the cats come in during the night and throw all my pillows and covers on the floor. After about 15 years, the love of my life and I did give up trying to sleep together (but I'm sure that's only because HE snores). Oddly, the cats won't sleep with me either. (And I've only ever knocked them off the bed a few times.) Also, my other half didn't end up with a black eye one night... no matter what he says.

jenny_o said...

Chainsaw snoring causes sleep deprivation of the worst kind. It's very decent of you to give us another weapon in our arsenal, Pearl :)

Jocelyn said...

Byron has been a gifted snorer, too, in the fashion of his father (to this day, the snoring is the bain of his mom's existence). It's hard to parse out Snoring Rights--the offended party has every right to a night's sleep and to expect that the snorer will take every action to diminish the snoring. The snorer has every right to just go to sleep and be left alone--'cuz what's he doing wrong?

It's a sticky wicket, indeed.

In our case, Byron had near-high-blood pressure and so put himself on a low sodium diet and, without even trying, then lost 20 pounds. The snoring stopped. Now my issue with him is that the **cker lost 20 pounds without even trying.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I can commiserate with William.

My Beloved also insists I snore, but when I ask her to produce any evidence, she just punches me and screams something about "needing sleep"

Vapid Vixen said...

I once spent a night curled up on the floor of the closet, as it was the furthest point in the bedroom from the source of the snoring. It was a very long night.

Joe Pereira said...

I apparently snore (maybe) so my ex partner claimed. She, however, didn't, so she also claimed, until one night I grabbed my phone and recorded her. "That's not me" she, again, claimed. It was all downhill from then on - hence the separation :(

esbboston said...

I will bake you a cake with a file in it.

Not for trying to saw your way to freedom.

But a nail file, can't have you getting all nail and cuticle ugly on us.

Have you checked to see if your state has a death penalty?

Snoring might be a legal defense. The other thing to go for would be self defense. All that alien sounding talk from him sounds like a possible threat!!!

NotesFromAbroad said...

I too considered the pillow over the face thing, but got more satisfaction out of jabbing him in the side with my elbow... making sure he woke up and rolled over.
Why should I be the only one awake ?
Finally, after 100 years of marriage, all I have to do is gently give him push and he rolls right over. Good boy ...

Esther Montgomery said...

Only boxers have any chance of arresting a snore. I'm trying to decide whether wrestlers would manage . . . probably not.

Linda O'Connell said...

Can so relate to this. I have a remedy. We just purchased a new mattress, and guess what?
I go to bed before he does and sleep through the night :)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

My solution has always been to have my own damn bedroom!

Eva Gallant said...

Mr. Eva used to snore like a chain saw! He went to a sleep clinic and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Now he wears a C-Pap (Contant Positive Air Pressure) mask to bed and doesn't snore at all! Plus he wakens feeling much more rested.

Elsie said...

My husband is currently snoring as I type this while he naps.

A good nudge and a "Honey, you're snoring" gets him to roll over for a few minutes at night and that's with his C-Pap machine LOL

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl!

“Bran' new tubbinshower. Grblx zinkt offun garbin." ?

I think that's a sentiment we can all get behind.

Roth x

Stephen Hayes said...

Okay, I'll admit it; from time to time I snore. What I can't understand is why women will never admit that they do. By the way, this was a very funny blog. And I could understand your husband's sleep blurbs perfectly.

Gigi said...

I'm gathering your bail/lam money as I type.

HermanTurnip said...

I'm thankful that I don't snore in my sleep.

Of course my wife tells that that I'm not quite the "silent sleeper" that I claim to be.

Which brings me to the conclusion that one of us is lying, and I refuse to believe it's me ;-)

NellieVaughn said...

My entire family snores. I do not. Of course not. I stop breathing. See how special I am?

Geo. said...

I only snore when meditating.

Roses said...

Don't worry honey. I'm getting the webpage set up for your defence fund...

Pat said...

At least when I snore it wakes me up.

Dawn in D.C. said...

I believe there should be a special prison for women who have had to take the drastic step of putting the pillow over the face. I've been there. So close. Wondering if the kids would come visit me every week or only on holidays. I pull back at the last minute because who would take the dogs.

I have been known, on more than one occasion, to sleep in the hotel bathtub with ALL the covers and pillows from the bed, whilst the unwakeable snorer saws the biggest damn logs, naked on on the bed.

Then he got a CPAP machine. Life is beautiful once again.