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Saturday, July 21, 2012

Let's Not Bicker and Argue Over Who Blistered Who

Because ongoing information regarding my footwear is intriguing no matter who you are, I am compelled to update you on my new shoes.

You know the ones. The ones that only recently replaced Leftie and Stompie.

Ah. Leftie and Stompie. Now those were good shoes: up-and-coming shoes, forthright shoes, the kind of shoes that would trot you down a city street just as fast as you cared to go. Those shoes not only knew when to keep their mouths shut but had excellent credit scores and a good head for baseball stats.

Those shoes once saved a drowning child.

But the new ones? They’ve been bitterly disappointing.

The Traitors, as I’ve come to think of them, were comfy in the store. Lovely suede loafers. Best of all, they were an incredible 70% off the retail price.

Seventy percent off!

Who amongst us can resist a $14 pair of shoes?

I put them on, trod the carpeted aisles of the DSW. I pretended to run for the bus, held up an arm and yelled “Wait! Wait!” I pretended to sidestep a wad of gum on the street. I went one way, imagined I had forgotten something and quickly went the other way. I did a quick Charleston.

So far, so good.

But really, with shoes? How can you know?

You can’t; and The Traitors revealed themselves to be untrustworthy, blister-causing turncoats on their first wearing.

Oh, sure, they were my friends in the store, weren’t they? “Buy me! I go with everything! I’m 70% off!”

Foolish mortal.

They bit me, those shoes, again and again. Within blocks of my house, I was in trouble. By the time I had reached the bus stop, my heels were in tears. Why had I forsaken them?

The blisters formed. The left one tore open. Unflattering opinions were shouted, blame firmly placed on my skinflint shoulders. My feet declared me to be a menace to working soles everywhere and plans were drawn up by the left one to leave the lower legs and strike out on their own.

So I’ve done what any normal person would do. I’ve dug Leftie and Stompie out of the garbage can (where they sat, patiently, in the box of the new ones).

They’ve been reinstated.

The Traitors have been contained in their original box and isolated, left to think about what they’ve done. They’ll be going back to the store from whence they came.

And that brings us up-to-date regarding my footwear. Tune in again tomorrow when I relate a story about a jacket button that needs replacing.


I got a million of ‘em.


R. Jacob said...

Someone needs a foot massage. May I offer my services?

Chantel said...

Oh the horror of Traitors! *sigh* This, alas, is why I am not a shoe girl. I can attest to not buying a SINGLE pair in the last three years....dear Lord, so un-womanly.

Baby your piggies sweatheart, or they will get revenge...

esbboston said...

I could seLL you some Vibram FiveFingers toe shoes. I even have them in your favorite color!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Faithless Slatterns!!!

Damned Traitorous Ones.

Who Blistered Whom.

And now I can't get Aretha Franklin's song out of my mind. Do you remember "Who's Zoomin' Who"?

Sioux said...

I've got 2 pairs of BUSs (Butt-Ugly Shoes) and although one of my friends says she will not go ANYwhere with me if I'm wearing a pair of those sad-slaps, I keep them, and occasionally nip out with them on.

Old friends...it's so difficult to let them go.

vanilla said...

I'm as close as any skinflint, but I do not stint on shoes; and I will not buy cheap TP. ;-)

Almost Precious said...

Can't trust those 70% off bargains, their two-faced, two-timing, swindling, cheats.
I have a pair sulking in my own closet. Cute little dress shoes, pretty shade of light purple, sweet little open toed flirt. Drastically reduced to only $3.00 (regularly $35.95)
I walked around in them and they felt fine, comfy, well behaved.

First time I tried to wear them (out to a once a year fling to a mediocre-ly fancy restaurant) the sadistics wouldn't let me get as far as the front door before they began stabbing my toes. Felt like they were trying to amputate them. Had to promptly remove them and wear something else.

Oh I tried to give them several chances but each time they became murderous. Truthfully they frighten me and I always make sure my closet door is firmly closed before I go to bed at night.

Kate Mohler said...

Funny, Pearl! I love DSW too and do the stomp-around whenever I'm there (shoe-testing should be an Olympic sport).

Boom Boom Larew said...

Welcome home, Lefty and Stompie! I bet they're doing a happy dance!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I'll send you the killer slippers I bought last year that were just perfect in the store but once home pushed so hard on my big toe it brought on a bout of gout. (yes, I meant to do that) Save up and buy yourself a pair of Rykers...you can't go wrong.

Pat said...

Seriously what more could you have done to test them?
I have a short buttoned nightie with the lower buttons missing that
is so X- rated I feel constrained to wear knickers.
I seem to have lost the art of button replacing somewhere along the way.

Eva Gallant said...

My mother, who was thrifty to the point of near cheapness, always said the one place you don't skimp is on your shoes. You buy the best, because if your feet hurt, you hurt all over!

TexWisGirl said...

too funny! i think i've returned every pair of boots or shoes i've ever bought from DSW (just because they were cute and on sale). my fat feet can't shop there any more. payless all the way, baby...

NotesFromAbroad said...

Ahhh, I have those stories too... my traitors always went back to the store ... until I came Here.
Where they take NOTHING back :(
I miss DSW ...

Vapid Vixen said...

Only you could make a story about an old pair of shoes entertaining. I seriously love the way you write Pearl.

Foolish mortal! :)

jenny_o said...

I'm nearly old enough to give up shoes altogether and just wear athletic shoes everywhere and with everything. They are so cushiony and can handle socks which add another layer of cushion. I just hate to give up on my dreams, though :)

Better give Leftie and Stompie a good massage with fine shoe cream, and invest in new insoles, maybe even new outsoles. Then new names, perhaps. Nothing is too good for old reliable footwear!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Never trust too good of a bargain. Most times they will bite you.

Roses said...

There are some shoes which you're only supposed to walk around your house/office in.

I wore those walking into the city yesterday...I have blisters.

I'm not happy. I hate it when my feet hurt.

Ms Sparrow said...

Evil shoes can really do a number on you! I remember a pretty pair of red leather flats that I wore on a trip--
dastardly shoes that ripped holes in my heels. I feel your pain!

Linda O'Connell said...

What a rotten trick. My latest pair did the same to me. Perfect, soft, quiet sole in the store. Get them home and they sqeak and sqwonk like a captive duck when I walk.

Symdaddy said...

I hate people that can afford a pair of shoes.

sage said...

A woman with just two pair of shoes, you're holding out on us, Pearl! The old are always more comfortable, but I tend to wear mine till they fall apart and there isn't much place

Stephen Hayes said...

I've worn the same pair of tennis shoes for seven years, and I haven't even worn the pattern off the bottom.

Carrie Lynne said...

This is why I live in my crocs.

bill lisleman said...

a million of 'em - really?
Please Pearl keep it to just the outerwear!
BTW were those the zombie brand I've heard of?

Austan said...

My feet rebel at any shoes. And they refuse to walk in anything fashionable. I pulled a fast one on them and bought black suede Fitflop clogs. They didn't know what hit them, and have obediently bowed to these masterful clogs. Who's laughing now, feet? Mwahahahahah!

Words Of Deliciousness said...

I hate that when you try a pair of shoes on in the store and they feel nice and comfy and then when you get them home they give you blisters. Not a good thing.

Crack You Whip said...

Shoes can be very deceitful. I don't trust them at all.

That being said, I am famous for buying them.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Have you tried darning?

I reckon a darning blog would be very popular.

Think of the titles.

Daring Darning (patching knickers)
Doubtful Darning (Where the hole is bigger than the part)
Dangerous Darning (Using Kevlar)
Drunken Darning (say it all really)

River said...

This is probably the reason they were drastically marked down after hundreds of people returned their purchases because of the blistering.
Did you say the shoe shop is carpeted? That's part of the problem. shoes will walk differently on carpet than they will on sidewalks.
do some online research and see if you can find another pair of Lefty and Stompy faithfuls.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Really??? You can take back shoes you've actually worn outside, on the street?????? NOW, you tell me.

the walking man said...

$14 for a air of shoes? I guess you missed the Walgreen's drugstore shoe sale $3.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Shoes, I hates 'em. Buttons, too. But, while you have your sewing kit out, could you take in my trousers, please? Roth x

Freshwater Pearl said...

Is it true?shoes will walk differently on carpet than they will on sidewalks.