I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

It's All About Preparedness


Something horrible and slowifying has happened to my computer, so while that is taken care of, please enjoy a re-post!


I have several events/gatherings to attend in the next few days, and before I settle into serious party mode, I need to set some things straight. I can trust you guys with this information, right?

Ahem.

Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and oh, ever, the first thing you're going to want to do is notify Pat O. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: many of the legal documents will need translating, the jewelry is real, and the pills are either to help you sleep or for anxiety. See if you can figure out which is which. Ha ha. Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it. Additionally, if it seems something dreadful did happen and it looks suspicious, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.

To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, tortured, and misplaced, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!

To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is yours. Remember what I said about spending it on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting your car, specifically, and bathrooms, in general, until you do right. Please don't make your mother haunt bathrooms.

If I have not posted in 24 hours and my cell phone has "pinged" anywhere in South Dakota, contact Officer Dreumont, just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “Pearl says what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about.

Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And some swelling.

Well. I think that’s everything, don’t you?

28 comments:

Laurel's Quill said...

Happy Sunday, Pearl. Check out my post today...Just for you!! Laurel

savannah said...

i LOVE this! i should probably put together a virtual will, too. i mean, if you can't count on your blogger pals... good luck with the machine repair, sugar!
xoxoxoxo

Boom Boom Larew said...

This reminds me... perhaps I should prepare a few words, myself.

TexWisGirl said...

SO laughing about the driver's license stats... :)

Daisy said...

I love good organization and it seems like you have it Pearl. Where else would one keep important documents than in the underwear drawer?

I wonder if the sun flare slowed down computers? We were warned about possible interruptions in power and satellite service. Hope your machine gets fixed soon.

terlee said...

Thanks for this reminder!

My BFF has specific instructions in the event of my sudden and/or untimely demise, though I've moved some things around since we last talked about which drawers hold what secrets. Yikes. Gotta go...

Stephen Hayes said...

Coincidentally, I just had my will revised and now you've convinced me that it needs more revisions. This was very funny, by the way.

Macy said...

Well that definitely covers all the corners Pearl.
Except you forgot to give them the password to this blog so they can post that final post and kick off the international mourning process.

Hannah Denski said...

You're well prepared for all eventualities, I see! : ) The secret drawers... don't we all...? : )x

esbboston said...

I agree, the best limericks are the deep ones.

Friko said...

What's in the other drawers?
Have you also left instructions for your disposal? Or do you plan to disappear into thin (well, thinnish) air?

Hope your problems will soon get sorted.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

OMG, I also hide my secrets in my underwear bureau. I just figured that no one would ever want to look in an old lady's drawers, if you know what I mean. I will just have to instruct my heirs to burn the house down.

sage said...

Thanks for the laughs--Great post, maybe I should use that excuse and start digging out old stuff as I have been so busy lately that I'm down to posting once a week.

That gentleman's lady said...

i think the underwear drawer was the first place my mom used to look

ps - hope computer gets well soon x

That gentleman's lady said...

i think the underwear drawer was the first place my mom used to look

ps - hope computer gets well soon x

That gentleman's lady said...

i think the underwear drawer was the first place my mom used to look

ps - hope computer gets well soon x

Carrie Lynne said...

ha ha ha I need to go make a list

jenny_o said...

Don't all legal documents need translating? I can never understand them on the first pass, or from that matter on the seventh or eighth pass :)

jenny_o said...

"for" that matter

not "from"

:)

Leenie said...

I'll be at Sturgis looking for you on that pink Harley with the tassels on the handlebars. I'll be riding the moped with the training wheels and the hole in the seat with the stuffing coming out. See you there!

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Do I inherit the inflatable lobster and the abrasive custard? I'm just askin'. Roth x

Eva Gallant said...

Loved this! But please stay alive and well....you would be missed way too much!

Gigi said...

The infamous underwear drawer - where all the secrets are hidden.

NellieVaughn said...

I need something like this, especially after watching shows on ID Discovery.

River said...

I like the way you've reminded Pat to check the list and try to get the money first. I no longer keep any secrets in my undies drawer, everything is safely locked away and only one of my kids knows where and how to get to it.

River said...

I like the way you've reminded Pat to check the list and try to get the money first. I no longer keep any secrets in my undies drawer, everything is safely locked away and only one of my kids knows where and how to get to it.

Linda O'Connell said...

Girl, your mind never rests. You are a prodigy.

Suzy said...

If there's anything more horrifying than a computer on the fritz, I don't know what it is. I don't even WANT to know.