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Sunday, June 3, 2012

You Keep Talking Like That, I'm Gonna Write About You

I cleaned a house not long ago with Mary, a delightful woman who makes me laugh until I fall off furniture. Generally speaking, I’m against falling off furniture; but if it’s because of uncontrollable laughter, what can you do but go limp and succumb to gravity?

Frankly, we think we’re hilarious.

We scrubbed this house silly: baseboards, the doors, the floors, and the piece de resistance, windows covered with Venetian blinds. Nasty things, Venetian blinds. Normally, I wouldn’t recommend washing the truly dirty ones when you can replace them cheaply, but on the one hand, it’s a waste of money to replace what’s not broken, on the other hand, they were actually quite nice wooden blinds, and on yet another, perhaps abnormal hand, we were paid to do it.

And somewhere in all of this, between the parquet floors and the enormous picture windows, Mary makes the claim that she can idenfity, by taste, the blue M&Ms.

She can identify the blue M&Ms by taste. Why I oughta…

I’ve been trying to work that little revelation of hers into a post ever since.

I collect these little remarks. I have wrinkled, stained piles of these little tidbits: the comments I’ve had directed at me, made myself, overheard, written into and onto books, receipts, take-out menus. Every day, I am confronted with situations, features, sentences that make me pull out the book I keep in my purse and scribble furiously, often with a smile on my face. What can I do but write these things down? Surely the day will come when something like “I Don’t Shiv A Git: I’m Not Really Swearing, Mom” becomes the topic of a thought-provoking post.

I received an e-mail the other day asking me how many posts I had written. After I told him that I was coming up on my 1450th, he then wondered if I wasn’t about to run out of ideas.

Now why would I run out of things to say?

The truth is that there are ideas everywhere. They’re not my ideas – they simply present themselves, rarely politely, rarely one at a time – and if you don’t write them down immediately, they’re gone.

Only to be replaced by other ideas.

Which reminds me: my parents seem to be stocking up on water chestnuts. What do they know that I don't?

Oh, and I need to buy some M&Ms. I think Mary’s bluffing.

40 comments:

Shea Goff said...

I'm with you. Betting on Mary don't know git.

And so glad to hear you won't be running out of ideas.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, you need to run an official taste test with Mary and film it for Utube. M & M's would probably be glad to pay you for the results, as long as you zoom in on the M&M's on Mary's tongue, and if you don't fall off the furniture in the movie and break stuff. On second thought, they might want a little extra action. Now there's something else to write about....hahahhaa! ":))

TexWisGirl said...

you're too funny. :)

R. Jacob said...

I think I need to read them all, from the beginning!

Sioux said...

Oh, Pearl...Some of us, in the center of our green, envious heart, would like you to run out of ideas occasionally. You're too darned funny and way too prolific.

However, my funnybone is ecstatic that there's a post from Pearl everyday...

Not Your Mother's Book is doing a collection on "Stupid Kids." Didn't you do LOTS of stupid things that would be fodder for many submissions? Send off some. Soon.

Susan in the Boonies said...

She is totally bluffing. Call her on it.
Bonus: you get to eat M&Ms with Mary!!!

Vapid Vixen said...

"what can you do but go limp and succumb to gravity?"

"and on yet another, perhaps abnormal hand..."

This isn't much of a comment except to say how much I love the sentences you come up with.

Ian Lidster said...

Blessed are the people in our lives that can make us laugh until we pee our pants. They are rare, so you are indeed blessed to have such a person. About the water chestnuts -- don't you know?? Just kidding. I think.

jenny_o said...

Hah! "I'm Not Really Swearing, Mom" takes me back to my childhood. "Shucks" was acceptable but a little too mild for my exasperated little self, so I started saying "shicks" instead. Well, my mother thought I actually swore and I can remember blushing furiously as I tried to explain - which she was having NONE of. This was a big deal because we were a non-swearing household.

The thing about ideas being everywhere is this: some people (you, Pearl, for instance) are like really talented chefs who can take everyday ingredients and make them taste like heaven, while other people (clearing throat self-consciously here) can take the same ingredients and turn out rocks, hockey pucks, and other inedible substances.

Yay for the Pearls in this life, I say!

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I wasn't even aware that blue M & M's had a specific taste. I thought they all tasted of chocolate.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Obviously Mary is a woman of discernment..one who holds the M&M in her mouth while the candy coating dissolves..unlike the rest of us who toss in a handful and start chewing.

fishducky said...

My precious, prolifc Pearl--1450 posts published? You plainly have a propensity for production!

Argent said...

Your posting stamina amazes and delights. We do need to know if Mary's wild claim is true.

Eva Gallant said...

I think Fishducky has an angling for alliteration!

And you do have such a way with words. Each post is a delight to read.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I love Mary but she is bluffing.

Love, the unofficial Argentine # 2 M&M Eating Champion. ( the husband is the #1 Champion)

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! She's not bluffing! It's like SMARTIES, and every ONE of those colours tastes different! Especially the orange mmmmm Roth x

vanilla said...

You buy the M&Ms to call Mary's bluff and Mary wins.

esbboston said...

As a student of Physics, I could build you some simple ineXpensive anti-gravity devices.

esbboston said...

With three hands in one paragraph, I am thinking that being introduced to you must be a confusing awkward situation, with three hands. I am sure custom clothing must be eXpensive. Is this common in Many-Soda?

Hilary said...

Indigo beat me to that thought. Our Canadian Smarties are not like yours. Ours are candy coated chocolate much like M&Ms but they come in even more colours. Black and red are bitter. Orange and brown seem to be tastier than the rest. Pale pink, green, yellow and purple are more sweet than flavourful.. and yet each flavour is only ever so slightly distinguishable from the others. Essentially we have discriminating tastes for food dye. :] I have no doubt that Mary can taste the difference.

Lo said...

Pearl, dear.....you are so funny no matter what you write about....amazing talent......especially when you are not feeling particularly funny,
Hope things are looking up for you.
Love, Lo

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Miss dude, you hit on one of my least favourite pastimes ever and that is cleaning Venetian blinds. There is no more unpleasant task, I don't care what anyone tells you. I'd rather put my ungloved hand down the toilet than do the blinds. There are always lots of tiny fly corpses and suspicious hairs on venetian blinds and I just don't do well with those things. So you are my HERO. Yes. PS Please come clean my blinds.

ThreeOldKeys said...

i'm a little distracted today, but ...

... oh, what? i wasn't really listening. all i heard was Eminem singing the blues.

... and what're chestnuts? why, they're brown nuts that grow on trees, of course.

Leenie said...

"Fortune favors the prepared" Louis Pasteur

"Fortune favors the bold" Virgil

"Fortune favors the brave" Aida

"Pearl is prepared, bold and brave"
-Me

I just love BrainyQuote

Missed Periods said...

I know you are in Minnesota and I am in California, but I might be willing to make the visit for the blue M&M taste test.

savannah said...

well done, sugar! y'all are just a hot damn pleasure to read! xoxoxox

(i think we need a blind taste test with miss mary and the blue M&m's!)

The Jules said...

It's not just the ideas Pearly, but the narrative that goes with the telling of them.

"I'm not swearing" reminds me that once, when I was a wee lad, I decided to make up a mild insult, and as my Mum's favourite one was to call me a 'twit' I used that as inspiration, simply changing the vowel for another.

After some fun banter with visitors one evening, I introduced it to the world by saying "Oh Auntie Christine, you are a twat."

Sigh . . .

HermanTurnip said...

I've had more than my fair share of awesome ideas fade into the ether simply because I failed to write them down. You'd think I'd learn, but I keep repeating this fatal flaw of mine. Perhaps I could go full Memento and tattoo them on my body before going to bed each night. Something to consider, I guess...

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

It's so true, Pearl: daily life and comments from others provide endless inspiration! I'm eager to know the results of that blind taste test with Mary and blue M&Ms!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Blue, you say, just blue. Not brown, not yellow, not even red, only blue. So why blue?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Ok I am with you here I never run out of blog post ideas in fact while out driving to the doctors this morning I wrote two posts in my head and got annoyed that I didn't have my digital recoreder with me to record these ideas.......lol

Heidrun Khokhar said...

You make housework feel lie fun. Blue does taste different.

Pat said...

It is heart-breaking when you remember laughing your socks off at something someone said and can't remember what it was.

Happy Frog and I said...

I'm always writing ideas down that present themselves it's just finding the time to put them all into posts I struggle with. I really admire how prolific a writer you are but always with such quality as well. Plus you make me laugh out loud often which can't be bad!

River said...

She's not bluffing. Blue has a taste and it isn't nice. It's chemical and slightly bitter.

Linda O'Connell said...

You can take the most mundane and make me laugh like I'm insane. Blinds! I take my cheap plastic ones outside and hose them off.

Deborah said...

OMG you make me laugh.

I mostly get bad ideas, but true enough; they just keep coming!

Yours are always a delight to read.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I scribble down little snippets, too, the trouble - for me, anyway - is stringing together the 300 OTHER words to make a post.
Mary=Superhero. There is no doubt in my mind she can do anything she says, up to and including identifying blue M & M's by taste.

Linda G. said...

In a (tenuously) related topic, did you know that an ingredient in the blue dye used in M&Ms has been shown to help heal spinal cord injuries? In white mice, anyway. Of course, it turns them blue at the same time. (One hopes that's a temporary effect.)

Jocelyn said...

Your point here is one of the ninety-fifty reasons I adore you: when bloggers resort to memes or posts that moan they don't really have anything to say, I am beyond impatient. There are gazillions (math major here) of ideas out there. Just listen and take note.

As you do.