I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Wherein Pearl Receives an Invitation, or Lock Your Doors, Squeak Toy is Back in Town


Having moved out of the home I’ve known for the last ten years almost two months ago, I knew that, eventually, I would hear from at least one of the cats.

And there in my mailbox Monday afternoon was a pale blue envelope, addressed to me in a spiky, old-world script. 

It is from Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), a symmetrically striped cat with a penchant for gin and late-night conversation, a small-pawed bon vivant once photographed doing the Charleston in a fountain with Russell Brand, a feline who purportedly once swam the English Channel in nothing but her dress collar.

I run up two flights of stairs, tear the letter open as I throw myself on my bed.

Dear Pearl,  

I understand you moved out a while back now.  Is that true?  Of course, I should’ve noticed earlier. For example, we’ve recently run completely out of limes – how can I possibly enjoy summer without a gin and tonic?  I’ve been unreasonably sober for days now… 

And that reminds me: Did you know that Dolly Gee Squeaker has been wearing Daisy Duke shorts and using your discarded eyeliner?  Did you know she’s been singing karaoke since Sunday?  Patsy Cline.  Heavens help us, I do enjoy Patsy Cline, but how much can one cat take? 

I close my eyes, momentarily, and envision Dolly Gee Squeakers, a long-haired, mysteriously badger-shaped Siamese mix with a passion for string and the need to eat every 20 minutes, holding a microphone and yowling “Crazy”. 

I smile. 

In addition to the dearth of limes in the house, continues Liza Bean, I find that there’s no one to watch Maury Povich with me, no one who understands the joys of raucously sympathetic mockery.

I’m sorry to say, dear Pearl, that, not unlike the attentions of a truly good waitress or one’s ability to fall asleep and stay there, it’s not until someone you hold dear is gone that you realize just how very dear they are.

So I’m thinking – and if you tell Dolly, I shall be forced to make a large donation in your name to any number of organizations you would never donate to  – but Squeak Toy is playing this weekend.  Come, as my guest, won’t you?  We’ll be in the alley – you know the place

Mouse Bits and Catnip-ly Yours,

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys

p.s.  Bring limes.

39 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

Stunning.

haphazardlife said...

You left them there alone? Oh my, all hell will break loose in short order.

Pearl said...

I've moved into a radically smaller place. It hurts, yes, but they are better off where they are...

Having received a letter from Liza Bean now, I do hope a letter from Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) isn't far behind...

Roly Clu said...

LOL A cat that swigs gin n tonic. My mutt Liquorice adored beer but he's on the 12 step programme now. :)

Pearl said...

Roly, a sober dog is a happy dog. :-) He still smokes the 'grits, though, am I right? :-)

R. Jacob said...

I’ve been unreasonably sober for days now…
Oh, how I love that line and how I feel her pain!

Pearl said...

R., when you've run out of limes and favor the gin, what does one do??

vanilla said...

This is disturbing on several levels. Don't forget to pick up limes!

CarrieBoo said...

Awww... well I'm glad she realized you were missing... eventually. And sent such a lovely letter. You might be getting a knock at your door if you don't bring those limes. Yikes!

Hannah Denski said...

Ah, missed her (Liza) - glad to see her back here! x

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I'm sure they do miss you...as you no doubt miss them. I raise my gin and tonic in memory of happy times.

Sausage said...

Big Jimmy of the Humane Society of Florida Jimmies, is very sympathetic and would like to offer you a southerly jaunt to collect some of his prize "Key Limes"
Fantastic for pies or salt rimmed ritas, Jimmies limes are the perfect tonic for you and your forlorn felines. Jimmy grows good limes.

jenny_o said...

I'm sorry you had to leave them behind. The right thing to do doesn't always feel right - or good. You are a strong lady.

Liza Bean has a heart. Imagine!

esbboston said...

Its a good thing you only left a two month supply of limes. If you would have left three months worth she might have forgot completely about you. Sad.

I am always careful when discarding eyeliners, ocean liners, and Freightliners.

L-Kat said...

Sad that your cats aren't with you. :( You better get some limes for Liza Bean straight away! Summers without G&T's dosed with limes are unbearable.

Simply Suthern said...

You are no longer the Cat lady?
I am concerned.

Robbie Grey said...

Brilliant. Unreasonable sobriety can be a frightening condition.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, if only I lived closer! I have a supply of limes and gin that I would gladly share in exchange for a Squeak Toy concert!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

...the joys of raucously sympathetic mockery...

Ah, I enjoy some of that myself, but I bet your wit serves you exceptionally well. Sorry your best audience is not there with you.

Camille said...

*Sigh* My heart hurts that the girls are not able to be with you. On the other hand, I just got a cold shock of fear remembering that they also have your credit card number. The potential for late night phone calls looms large Pearl. Be prepared.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I grieve for the kitt-ays as I know they must grieve you, and you, them.

~sigh~

I hope you have visitation.

Sioux said...

So this is a permanent free-for-all for the two girls, huh?

I hope the police in your old neighborhood have been alerted...

Indigo Roth said...

Ahhh, SQUEAK TOY. Happy memories! But the letter brings a tear to the eye; it must be the limes.

Joanne said...

I think it's a ploy to follow you home. She'll be leaving treat bits for Dolly G to follow. Just don't let Squeak Toy get in the parade.

Ms Sparrow said...

It's good Liza Bean has the good graces to keep in touch after all the great times you had together!

bill lisleman said...

wow - no one takes the time to write letters in today's electronic world. Maybe if I knew a cat I might get one.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

What I can't figure is:
a) How she managed to hold a little pen in her tiny little fingers?
b) Why this fixation with limes?...I would have thought that it would have been more appropos for her to be making a martini with a dead mouse.

Gigi said...

Unreasonably sober(LOVED that line!) can be a sad state to reside in.

Lo said...

Oh, shitpissfuck. I cannot bear to have my worst fears confirmed. My heart is broken. You ARE catless.

I have a great lime tree.....tell Liza Bean to hang on. Next crop will ripen soon......sob.

Shelly said...

All I've got is a big, warm Texas sized hug for you.

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I believe the Pennsylvania Bitteys lost a T while traveling west.

River said...

I'm sad thinking of you all alone without Liza Bean and Dolly Gee. Of course you must go to the Squeak Toy show and take limes.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

It sucks to be unreasonably sober. Poor Liza Bean.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Oh good, I have wondered how they were doing.
In time, you will be hanging out with them again, or even possibly a new little furry one. You never know, things constantly change.
besos.

Diane said...

Much is explained . . .
I just saw your picture, with the words, "Have you seen this woman?" followed by what can only be an intimate's knowledge of . . . intimates, and written in a rather spiky old-world script, taped to several bottles of gin. The good stuff. Your absence has been noted . . .

ThreeOldKeys said...

A pretty good name for a band: Squeak Toy.

A great name for a band: Dearth of Limes.

NellieVaughn said...

I am shocked that you've left her behind. I just know that you'll be talking to her about moving in with you at her gig,

Jocelyn said...

They'll always know you're their real person.

And I like how you admit the left-behind eyeliner was yours...but not the Daisy Dukes.

Pat said...

I can't bear that you had to leave the cats:(