Having moved out of the home I’ve known for the last ten years almost two months ago, I knew that, eventually, I would hear from at least one of the cats.
And there in my mailbox Monday afternoon was a pale blue envelope, addressed to me in a spiky, old-world script.
It is from Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), a symmetrically striped cat with a penchant for gin and late-night conversation, a small-pawed bon vivant once photographed doing the Charleston in a fountain with Russell Brand, a feline who purportedly once swam the English Channel in nothing but her dress collar.
I run up two flights of stairs, tear the letter open as I throw myself on my bed.
I understand you moved out a while back now. Is that true? Of course, I should’ve noticed earlier. For example, we’ve recently run completely out of limes – how can I possibly enjoy summer without a gin and tonic? I’ve been unreasonably sober for days now…
And that reminds me: Did you know that Dolly Gee Squeaker has been wearing Daisy Duke shorts and using your discarded eyeliner? Did you know she’s been singing karaoke since Sunday? Patsy Cline. Heavens help us, I do enjoy Patsy Cline, but how much can one cat take?
I close my eyes, momentarily, and envision Dolly Gee Squeakers, a long-haired, mysteriously badger-shaped Siamese mix with a passion for string and the need to eat every 20 minutes, holding a microphone and yowling “Crazy”.
In addition to the dearth of limes in the house, continues Liza Bean, I find that there’s no one to watch Maury Povich with me, no one who understands the joys of raucously sympathetic mockery.
I’m sorry to say, dear Pearl, that, not unlike the attentions of a truly good waitress or one’s ability to fall asleep and stay there, it’s not until someone you hold dear is gone that you realize just how very dear they are.
So I’m thinking – and if you tell Dolly, I shall be forced to make a large donation in your name to any number of organizations you would never donate to – but Squeak Toy is playing this weekend. Come, as my guest, won’t you? We’ll be in the alley – you know the place.
Mouse Bits and Catnip-ly Yours,
Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys
p.s. Bring limes.