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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oddly, She Looks Perfectly Normal


I moved yesterday, to a third-floor walk-up in the trees, a place with indirect lighting, one of those groovy showers with a bench seat and no internet access.  


Enjoy a re-post, please, whilst I work on getting my life in order...

“Acme Grommets and Sprockets, Pearl speaking.”

“Um, yes, I’d like to order a half-dozen grommets, and I'd like to set up a payment plan? Also I am wondering if I can get them delivered individually, preferably by a man in a loin cloth? If he could bring butterscotch pudding with him – the real stuff, too, not the instant – that would be great.”

“Mary, who gave you this number?”

“You did.”

I mutter a small, rather defenseless curse word.

“Well, now that we’re here, what up, girlfriend?”

She laughs. Neither of us has an ounce of ability in the urban slang department. We’ve jointly decided that listening to either of us say things like “you go, girl” or receiving any written communication from us using “U”, “R”, “B” or deliberate misspellings is the equivalent of my father once asking me if I “was taking the pot”, a genuine and drug-related question from him in the early 80s.

“Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”

Oh, we’re funny, Mary and I.

“I’m walking T-Bone.”

T-Bone, a largish dog who would like to sit in your lap, is briefly overheard barking at what sounds to be a crowd of much smaller dogs.

“Trouble?” I ask.

There is the sound of Mary grunting. “Yes. Dagnabit, T-Bone!” There is more grunting. Mary is either pulling T-Bone away from a pack of wild Chihuahuas or pushing something large and unyielding down the street.

“OK,” she says. “That’s better.”

“Where are you going?”

There is the briefest of pauses. Mary is getting ready to lie.

“No where.”

And then we both laugh. Mary is the worst liar you’ve ever met.

“No, really,” I say.

“Goan tagit ah bekkin doanit.” Mary is deliberately mumbling.

“I’m sorry, what’s that?”

She sighs heavily. “A bacon donut! I’m going to get a bacon donut!! Are you happy now?”

She is smiling. I can hear her smiling. I am smiling, too. “What kind of morning do you have to be having before you walk the couple miles it will take you to get to the shop that sells bacon donuts?”

“Pretty crappy,” she admits. There is the briefest of pauses, and when she resumes speaking, her voice is serious. “Oh, Holy Hannah,” she says, disgusted. Her tone of voice suggests that what has just happened is another crappy thing in a long line of crappy things.

“What’s the matter?”

“I think I’ve lost my phone. It’s always in my right pocket because the left one has a hole in it and it’s not there…” She trails off.

“The phone?” I ask. “Like, the phone you’re talking on right now?”

There is complete silence.

“Pearl, is it possible that I’m mentally handicapped?”

“Entirely,” I say. “Oops. I gotta run. Give me a call when you find your phone.”

“Shaddap,” she says, pleasantly.

“Have a good day, Mary.”

“You, too, Pearl.”

43 comments:

fmcgmccllc said...

ok, I gotta admit it I tend to be Mary.

Vicus Scurra said...

I love you.

Simply Suthern said...

I have yet to try the bacon donuts. Actually I don't know who sells them around here. They are usually being used to stuff a bisquit, which is fine with me as I can chase it with a KK glazed donut.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Yesterday I spent a half hour searching for my glasses. I was wearing them. Any idea where I can get a bacon donut?

Pearl said...

fmcglcllc, the world needs its Marys.

Vicus Scurra, then my job here is finished. :-)

Simply. ooooh. Krispy Kreme. At one point, about 10 years ago, there seemed to be one on every corner. They all showed up at once, a summer-rain, mushroom-style sprouting of a million Krispy Kremes... And now they're gone. I miss them...

Delores, :-) I haven't done that yet, although it's probable that some day I will. And then I'll remember this moment... As for a bacon donut, I'm gonna leave that one off my food repertoire and stick to eating canned chocolate frosting smeared on saltine crackers. :-)

Indigo Roth said...

Ha! I lost my glasses in the same way at lunchtime. I was at McDs, and had just emptied my tray, which added to the excitement. Happy New Home, Pearl!

Teresa Evangeline said...

Oh, thank you so much for the much-needed laugh. It was a laugh of recognition as I've both looked for my phone while talking on it and for my sunglasses while wearing them. Is that a double handicap?

All the best in your new digs.

Symdaddy said...

I dread to think what a world without Mary's would be like.

Goan tagit meam airy furc hist mus!

vanilla said...

Sorta seemed as though you had maybe moved into Paradise until you got to the "no internet" part. Oh, maybe that is Heaven. But we would miss you so!

bill lisleman said...

the power of bacon controls this woman's mind - more at 10 o'clock
Pearl you are the reporter of the other side of life. What side? I don't know just pick one.

Almost Precious said...

I've heard that everything goes with bacon. On the Food Network's "Chopped" they even had it as a prime ingredient in their finalist "dessert competition round". Somehow I cannot forgive them for adulterating perfectly divine chocolate, what a sacrilege !!!

Shelly said...

I'd love to talk with Mary some day. I think she'd be great in her own reality show.

On another note, I am watching Freaks, the 1932 movie right now. I know you'd probably appreciate that. Love unexpected surprises like this in a day!!!

TexWisGirl said...

you 2 are the perfect match. :)

i hope you can get settled in your new place soon - w/ internet!

esbboston said...

I like scutterbotch pudding, real and unreal, as weLL as candy and i scream toPPing, oh, and coffee creamer,

mmm ....... ...... ..... .... .. .

Oh, I put 'like', I meant 'love', sorry for the confusion of my intensity.

Hope you are migrating in a sensible and comfortable manner, completely devoid of stress and being puDDing fiLLed to the brim. [Perhaps I should put that onna plaque and try to seLL it]

Joanne said...

Good job; cats love trees. And third floor walk ups are healthy. I delivered my first child in record time because of a third floor walk up. Now you just have to have Mary bring up the bacon donuts.

terlee said...

Just yesterday I put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal box in the fridge. Later when I opened the fridge and saw the cereal I had a "holy crap" moment. Down the slippery slope I go...

Hope you get settled into the new digs without too much hassle.

Shea Goff said...

I figure we're all special needs in one or another, or at least I hope so.

Good luck on all that moving, Pearl. Thanks for the smile.

jenny_o said...

I think if you're walking a large dog a couple miles through packs of wild chihuahuas to get to the doughnut shop, you NEED the bacon in that doughnut to get home again.

Eva Gallant said...

A bacon doughnut sounds heavenly!

Joanna Jenkins said...

A third floor walk-up! You are going to be in GREAT shape with those stairs. I lived in one and although at times I hated it (usually when I remembered something I'd forgotten upstairs) but in the end, I really loved being in the trees :-)
Hope your internet is connected soon.
xoxo jj

Bodacious Boomer said...

Congratulations on living through your move. Thank God you aren't down here. It's already too how to consider doing that now til late October.
BTW- Bacon doughnuts with warm maple glaze? Just about one of the best things ever; assuming you can pay for the angioplasty you need afterwards.

savannah said...

bacon, bacon, bacon...i'm stuck, sweetpea, what else did you say? ;~) xoxoxoxo



(congrats on the move! hope y'all settle in easily and peacefully.)

Lo said...

Good luck in your new place, darling.....I would be sending good thoughts your way were it not for the fact that I am even more depressed than you are right now and I am sure they would be contaminated (......the place in the trees sounds nice.....the no internet access, not so good.

Hang in there, dear, and I will do the same.

Lola Rouge ...the mom said...

I need a bacon donut......Bad. Happy you're in the new place! Loin clothes are yummy, if only they came with internet...

Mitchell is Moving said...

That conversation was hilarious. Yes, I've "lost" my phone the same way.

And I think if Mary really says "Dagnabit" and "Holy Hannah," she should never again attempt a "What up, girlfriend."

I have never heard of a bacon donut. It sounds awful! ... Well, now that I think about it, it actually sounds really good.

fishducky said...

SHELLEY suggested that Mary have her own reality TV show. Normally, I hate reality shows, but if she--or you--ever had one, I would be a dedicated viewer!!!

Juli said...

:)

I ask Tony all the time, "What is wrong with me?"

To which he replies "Oh, so many things..."

CarrieBoo said...

Well worth a repost! Plus, I hadn't read it. ;) Lots of luck getting settled.

Old Bitter Balls said...

There is no sweeter a music to an old mans ears than a grunting Mary between the sheets.

Hannah Denski said...

:D great friend to have... when you lose you phone... or marbles... simply the best :D

Suzy said...

I didn't see any tweets on the move!! Many of us have tweeted our moves if only to get hundreds of replies from sympathetic movees!

Ms Sparrow said...

I heartily approve of living amongst the trees. When I first moved to the Cities, I lived in an apartment building bordered by the freeway, city streets and a parking lot. I came to realize that trees were vital to my sense of well-being. I hope the trees bring you that same comfort--not to mention lots of entertainment for the kitties!

Gigi said...

Glad to hear you are getting settled in.

But, HOLY HANNAH, once I read the word "bacon" I immediately thought of this video and figured I HAD to share it on the off chance you haven't seen it yet!

http://youtu.be/nGeKSiCQkPw

Gigi said...

Oh, AND I "lose" my sunglasses in my hair like that all the time.....Mary and I must be twins.

ThreeOldKeys said...

my shower doesn't have internet access OR a bench seat.

be well, be strong, be happy! and be funny, but only when you feel like it.

mapstew said...

I wish you...

A happy move,
A groovy groove,
And lots of loove! :¬)

xxx

Jayne Martin said...

Can't wait to hear what Liza Bean thinks of the new place.

Linda O'Connell said...

Not nearly as bad as my telling a coworker I was a year away from retirement. She said yesterday you told me you were 62 and today on your birthday you are 64? How did that happen? I laughed self-conciously and said, "Why did YOU ruin my day? I thought I was able to retire NEXT year."

Douglas said...

Third floor walk up? You're gonna have some marvelous thighs.

the walking man said...

I am a diabetic who has been forced to cut trans fats from my diet...where can I find one or a dozen of these bacon donuts?

River said...

Bacon does not belong in or on a doughnut.
A bacon sandwich followed by a doughnut dessert is entirely acceptable though.

Roses said...

Oh bless.

I have years like that!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

It's the Marys who give us the breaks in life we need.