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Friday, June 1, 2012

My Civic Duties, or It Only LOOKS Gangrenous


Deep from the pollen-laden bowels of a warm and, dare I say it, horny spring, a lone commuter staggers toward the bus stop. If you listen closely, you can hear said commuter muttering something about perseverance and determination.  Grit, drive, the palpable weight of the world on this commuters's shoulders makes one pause, reflect upon the cruelties of the Fates.

And that commuter, ladies and gentlemen, was none other than Justin Bieber*.

But enough about Justin Bieber.  Let's talk about the case of Vandal-Fighters Thumb I gave myself this morning.  Distinct from the position of Litter Remover I occupy on most mornings, VFT is a little something I do on the side.

You know.  For fun.

My stance on vandalism is well known in these parts: I’m against it. And there, in my three-sided, glass bus enclosure, a moron and a green felt tip pen collided in a semi-literate display of self-satisfaction.

First there was a phone number listed below the phrase “For Free Heab”. Heab? Free heab? Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re out this weekend and someone suggests the possibility of free heab, I suggest you proceed with caution.

Free heab may lead to free biseases.

I’ve rubbed it out, of course; and I have the green thumb to prove it.

I also rubbed out Taylor loves – well, we’ll never know who Taylor loves, now, will we? Both Taylor and the object of her affection have been rubbed off the bus shelter, the memory of which lies only with Taylor and my stained thumb. The script was hard to read, anyway, a convoluted series of squiggles and dots. Judging by the penmanship, however, Taylor is young and will no doubt proclaim her love for future beaux in similarly public ways.

And I will be here, sacrificing my thumb nail and skin color to rid the neighborhood of it.


* I don't know what that means.  Probably nothing.

37 comments:

Chantel said...

My champion! God bless your green thumb. May He protect you from all biseases...(which made me laugh out loud) xo

Shelly said...

As one who has scrubbed the mindless and often misspelled meanderings of a few generations of students now, I hear ya. Now, though, I am wondering about the author of Free Heab. Pehaps Heab is a person, a friend of the author...

Pearl said...

Chantel, I do it for the peoples. :-)

Shelly, Free Heab, like "Free Tibet"? :-)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Best start carrying a wet wipe or two...save that thumb. Ooh...just had a brain tremor...here we go "Pearl had been the neighborhood champion for years, always wiping off graffiti from the bus shelters, saving us from the shock of 'Daisy loves Lenny" and "Call xxx for a lousy time". This morning she received the shock of her life. Stepping out of the shower she glanced at herself in the mirror. Every example of graffiti she ever cleaned up was present..written all over her body in green indelible ink. You just can't expose yourself to that kind of stuff and not have it make an impression. Just sayin'" Take care Pearl.

esbboston said...

Hmmm, a vastly different definition for "green thumb" has been created. I am trying to think what other legendary figures became heros with a bus, besides you, Rosa Parks, and Sandra Bullock.

Pearl said...

Delores, I think that would make a wonderful Halloween costume. I could go as a graffiti-ed bus enclosure...

esb, oh, that's me all right. :-) Rose Parks, Sandra Bullock, me, and MC Mutter, the king of free-style lip-synching and spastic movement...

lotta joy said...

I'm here from Simdaddy and I had no idea I owe my safety to you. I could have dialed that number and gotten a bisease from the heab giver!

Matthew MacNish said...

You rubbed one out in the bus stop? That's pretty courageous. I hope you weren't anywhere near Sex World.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

What do you do with spray paint on brick walls? I need to know cause it's driving me nuts here.
Rosemary

Symdaddy said...

You rubbed out my Heab request?

How'm I gonna get heabed now? Huh?

Pearl said...

lotta, :-) You're welcome.

Matthew! Hey-oh! Totally didn't see that one coming! Well played. (And yes, the bus stop is less than three blocks from Sex World. yaaaaaay!)

Rosemary, oh, but that's a sad one. If it's unpainted brick, you're looking at sandblasting, I think... I absolutely hate when it's paint on brick. Horrible.

Sym, I've done you a favor. You'll have to trust me on this one. :-)

Simply Suthern said...

Any chance you could rub Justin Bieber out with your thumb?

savannah said...

according the urban dictionary:
Another word for loser.
that was posted in 2006 by jenny and 22 people gave it a thumbs up. *shrug* i am inclined to disagree, but what do i know? now i'm contemplating your possible halloween costume, sugar. and laughing! do it! xoxoxoxo

CarrieBoo said...

Disposable thumbs?

L-Kat said...

I admire your bravery. I'm not a huge germophobe, but rubbing out someone else's vandalism seems like a sure way to catch a bisease.

Ms Sparrow said...

Obviously, the graffiti-anatto learned English on Twitter and can't write good anymore! When writing words for posterity on a bus wall, one should always take care to spell correctly!

vanilla said...

I am with you, Pearl, on two counts. That was quite enough of Justin Bieber, and I am against graffiti. Thank you for your public-spirited endeavors on behalf of a cleaner planet.

Lynn said...

Heab - that sounds positively mysterious. I'm glad you ridded the bus stop of that drivel. :)

Mitchell is Moving said...

Thanks for the clue to the meaning of heab. But then shouldn't it be Justin Deider?

Bodacious Boomer said...

After a day out yesterday I went home with red thumb. Great minds and all that...

jenny_o said...

I'm against graffiti, but I'm even more against touching it in any way, shape or form. I would need to cut my thumb off, or at least dip it in bleach :) You are a brave one!

Old Bitter Balls said...

You have a green thumb, I have a brown thumb, together we make a perfect camouflage. Let's overlook the strange aroma of poop though shall we?

Jono said...

Can't you just carry a can of spray on Dizolvitall, so you don't actually have to touch it?

Geo. said...

Delightful post! But as a proponent of liberty I believe all Heabs should be freed.

ThreeOldKeys said...

laughing here ... and wishing you a heab start on a great weekend.

Gigi said...

Oh, Pearl! I love you and your little green thumb! Have a great weekend, my friend.

sage said...

Not only are you funny, you're also the poster girl for the Keep America Beautiful campaign. Ladybird will be proud.

Eva Gallant said...

Yay for Pearl the graffiti banisher!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Well without our support how will Heab ever be free. This sounds like a civil rights case to me.

Belle said...

I admire your spunk in trying to keep the city looking better. Perseverance, grit, and drive against the weight of the world. Sounds like a prayer I used to pray, "God, just get me through this day." God bless you Pearl, and give you strength.

River said...

Maybe you should start carrying a whiteboard eraser and a small spray bottle of windex.

That gentleman's lady said...

Aaah! Free heab indeed!

Tempo said...

We have a nice old lady in our neighborhood just like you...we call her the weird old lady.

the walking man said...

Why didn't you use Bieber to wipe the graffiti off your glass case? Surely you're bigger than him.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I laughed out loud. Free bibeases indeed.

You take care of that thumb now, ya hear?

You could be called upon to use it in a serving gig, soon, and noone wants a server with gangrene.

NellieVaughn said...

You'll hate me for this, but as a teen, I took every opportunity to whip out my sharpie and write:

I am waiting and watching for you.

I don't know why I wrote that everywhere, and who I was writing it to, but there you have it. I made walls ugly.

Pat said...

Is mixing your b's with your d's a form of dyslexia?