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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Monkey Would Like to Speak to You Privately


I was rolling my forehead on the floor the other day – as is my wont – when I had a bit of a revelation.

The revelation?

The guy next to me really and truly stinks.

I paid good money for that, you know.

You can have it for free:  Some people really stink.

Not that this was just any kind of stink.  Truly, this was a deep stink, the stink of goats, the kind of stink that says, “Deodorant?  Whatever for?  I’m as natural as I was meant to be.” 

A noticeable and impressive stink.

“Inhale,” the instructor advises.  “And exhale.  Inhale.  And exhale.”

She has no idea what she’s asking for.

I remind myself that the world is full of distractions and that unpleasant smells are a part of it.  I tell myself that I go to yoga to center myself, to quiet the chatter of my monkey mind.

Yeah, says the monkey.  But this guy stinks!

I tell my monkey to shut up. 

The monkey flings mental poop at the inside of my head, suggests that I fret, kvetch, and complain, anything but concentrate and assume responsibility for my practice.  The monkey believes that if I stop what I am doing, perhaps work up an inner boil of some sort over how horrible this person is for breaking my concentration with his stench that I will be righteous in doing so.

The monkey is my constant companion.

I beat the monkey down with an internal promise of a good 15 minutes of freestyle irritation later in the week.

Maybe Thursday.

Eventually, of course, I am distracted from Stink Boy by my need to breathe in conjunction with movement, by the difficulty of the poses, by the unnaturally warm room; and after an hour, I find myself at the end of the class, exhausted and covered with sweat.

We are rolling up our mats when he looks over, offers me a big happy smile.

And the monkey and I smile back.

47 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Your own fragrance dosent approach that of stink boys by the time you finish working and sweating?

I know the monkey stinks.

R. Jacob said...

I would quietly spray Febreeze in his direction

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Just move away from the stink. When he asks why, tell him you seem to be allergic to whatever fragrance he is wearing. When he tells you he doesn't wear fragrance just say, "ooooooooooh" and let it go at that.

esbboston said...

Yesterday was very long, longer than normal. I don't feel like moving. But the dog has finished his breakfast which I prepared lovingly and now he desires an after meal dog bisquit. I need a monkey internal. I think I would prefer an orange and tan one.

Rene Foran said...

That smile? It was probably gas.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I love the monkey of your mind.

We have a monkey who goes on long car trips with our family. Only my husband can speak questions to him in "Monkese" and then we all listen as the monkey chatters answers through my husband, and then, my husband translates what the monkey's answer is to the rest of us in the car.

Our family monkey is quite rude.

Lynn said...

Hmmm - I need that monkey for sales meetings.

Shelly said...

My rambunctious mental monkey caused me to read this post while in a tedious meeting. Smart little monkey he is.

L-Kat said...

I sweat a lot. It's not normal. I swat like a sumo wrestler taking a sauna...and that's just from stepping outside. So, when I go to my cardio classes at the gym and I'm actually moving, I sweat a LOT, a lot. Normally, it doesn't smell, but the other day I could smell myself. When you can smell yourself, you know it's bad! I'm used to embarrassing myself and I like the women in my class, so I just announced to everyone that I knew I was a smelly sweatball and I'd do my best to smell better at the next class. I don't know what they made of that.....

Anyway, I like the little monkey in your head. :)

Symdaddy said...

I'm gonna report you! Ya monkey beater!!!

bill lisleman said...

are you sure that wasn't the smell of a monkey?

Joyful Things said...

I worked with a gal who had the BO smell of onions - sharp and acrid and tear inducing. I started bringing Vicks VapoRub to work and dabbing it lightly under my nostrils. It didn't really help....

TexWisGirl said...

my own funk is usually more than enough for me - would hate to drink in someone else's, too.

Joanne said...

Well, I'm relieved. I immediately thought it was a new cube mate or knotholes in the floor of your new digs.

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jenny_o said...

"freestyle irritation" - now there's something I find myself doing at least once a week, whether I need it or not :)

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

I just don't understand how people can do that to others. If you're in your own space with no one around that's fine, stink all you want. Makes you want to let the monkey out to fling poop, maybe monkey poop would smell better?

vanilla said...

Yet. You and the monkey will be right back on your mat tomorrow.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Oh, I just couldn't do it. My sense of smell is attached to a sort of super-taster tongue. If it smells, I taste it. And for a good long time. Forget yoga. I'd listen to the Monkey and say adios to Stink Boy.

Next time, wait for Stink Boy to find his spot before you select yours (as far away as possible).

Ugh. I've got that smell in my head!

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

You're lucky you've only got a monkey, I talk to my Silverback Gorilla every day.

Well perhaps talks isn't the correct word, as it implies a dialogue. I just listen and obey.

Here, just had a thought, maybe it was your monkey you were smelling?

savannah said...

don't you wish instead of his stench balloon pressing against your personal space, a great big conversation balloon that had the words, you stink like farts outta dead seagulls, would appear and knock him over, sugar? (ok, maybe that's just what i would be thinking.) xoxoxoxo

Argent said...

Ewww!

I have one of those little monkeys that Constantly smashes tiny, tinny cymbals together. I hate him and I've told him so, but he just grins and keeps banging them cymbals.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl!

"I beat the monkey down with an internal promise of a good 15 minutes of freestyle irritation later in the week."

I'll see your monkey, and raise you a tortoise. Roth x

sage said...

Sing this song to your internal monkey:

One little monkey
Sitting in a tree
Teasing Mr. Crocodile,
"You can't catch me."
Along came Mr. Crocodile,
Quiet as can be
SNAP

No more little monkeys
Sitting in a tree

Hilary said...

Darn monkey... they should just stick to their barrels.

Hannah Denski said...

OMG, hilarious!Monkeys in Yoga class - bad bad timing (including smelly ppl). Cheered me up, you did! x

Nessa Roo said...

There's a guy at my work who stinks like that, errday. I like to make eye contact with people as they walk past him. I love to see the faces of horror as they realize what they've walked into. Their silent screams are so entertaining.

Pearl said...

:-) I, too, sweat freely (I am a Head Sweat-er, and send out a big mop and a "heeeeey" to all my fellow head-sweaters out there) but this was more than pools of sweat. He smelled bad before we even started... Who knows? Maybe he was just coming down from a truly hard day at work... Whatever it was, I shan't soon forget...

Ms Sparrow said...

I can no longer smell much of anything. I can smell the stink of tobacco smoke or the perfume people use to cover up their stink, but beyond that, I'm oblivious. I can literally clean the litter box without any olfactory discomfort at all! I would rather sit next to a litter box than a woman saturated in whatever crap she thinks makes her small good.

Lisa Golden said...

Further confirmation that my cozy little cocoon is the place for me!

NotesFromAbroad said...

I find that no matter how hard I try, if someone smells bad , I end up having to move away.
Slowly or quickly, whichever is the easiest and least obvious, but the next step for me would have been the gagging retching downward dog .. so you know, I think you are amazing as usual.

Cathy Olliffe-Webster said...

LOL!!! Bad smells make me retch, too. Not pretty. I remember some guy at work brought smoked trout on a bed of sauerkraut for lunch and heated it up in the microwave. He sat down right beside me with that nauseous-smelling combo and the very second he peeled back the trout skin and repeated what his wife had said to him this morning ("Everyone at work must be jealous of all your gourmet lunches, dear") I almost threw up on his fish.

I ran away from the lunchroom gakking and mewling "YOUR LUNCH STINKS" all the way down the hall. I dunno, do you think my message was too subtle?

HermanTurnip said...

I hate it when social decorum demands a smile in return for stench. But hey, at least he didn't smell like Patchouli...

Lin said...

Yuck. That would keep me from going back. I used to go to the gym, but this old guy would get on the treadmill next to me and fart. I finally had to quit going it was so disgusting.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

He might have just wanted you to notice him.

Juli said...

That was just his man stench attempting to woo the affection of your inner monkey.

It doesn't work on me either.

I Wonder Wye said...

it's had to be zen when your monkey mind insists on focusing on the stink...it's funny about your childhood memories - I posted the exact same thing just yesterday with some of mine.

Diane said...

In Alberta, Monkey beats YOU down! It's not a pretty sight. Sigh.

Jocelyn said...

Just pretend he had spent entirely too long in corpse pose earlier in the day, thus accounting for the smell of dead flesh emanating from his mat. Yea, that's the ticket: zombie yoga.

Tempo said...

Let me see if I've got this right...you do this Yoga thing because you believe that it will make you healthy and live better and longer?

NellieVaughn said...

I'll never really understand why, but I love a stinky man. Not always, but often.

Roly Clu said...

wow! You're really hard on the poor monkey. Are you still friends or has he moved to a nicer person :)

ThreeOldKeys said...

Summer Olympics News:

i hear they're replacing Ribbon Gymnastics with Freestyle Irritation.

i can't wait to see what props they'll use ... i'll be watching.

Pat said...

It's bad enough when smells invade
the bus or tube but in a Yoga class-that's just not right. There should be a sniff test before anyone is allowed entry - and that includes strong perfume.

Linda O'Connell said...

Oh I know what you mean. I try to hold my breath or exhale but walking through the stores is painful. I'd hate to have to work in close proximity. My monkey would probably encourage me to do something not so nice.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Good grief! Tell stinky-boy to have a shower or move to the other side of the room. Wearing a canister gas-mask might help. Can these people NOT smell themselves? Skunks smell better than the acrid perspiration of some 'natural people'.

River said...

I'm like Mitchell; if I can smell it, then I can taste it too. I cringe inwardly when I see certain customers approaching my checkout and try to breathe really shallowly. I agree with Herman Turnip too, that Patchouli is the worst! it chokes up my lungs and has me reaching for my inhaler. I get a little insulted when I'm on a bus with a thousand empty seats and the oversized person who doesn't believe in washing either themselves or their clothes, squeezes into my seat next to me. I spend a lot of bus trips changing seats or holding a hanky to my nose to filter my air. I don't care if they think I'm rude.