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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Maybe If I Just Keep My Eyes Closed the Rest of the Day...


Ping!

Where did we last leave this?

I sigh.  There are some people that make full-time work a chore.  This woman is one of them.

I stare at the e-mail.  I have been copied on three separate correspondences circulating around this particular subject, all of them started by her, all of them saying the same things – and all of them addressed to different people.

This person is the reason I have taken up competitive sighing.

I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.

Hi, Florence, I write.  If I understand you correctly, you are looking for resolution on this matter.  I have attached the three conversations I am aware of.  Please let me know where you’d like to go next as I can do nothing until I hear from you.

Ping!

Are you sure? she writes.  I don’t remember you needing my input in the past.

I close my eyes.  We’ve been doing it this way for almost five years.  I fight the urge to sigh again and settle for a slight moan that makes Female Intern turn around grinning. 

“Florence?” she whispers.

I grin at her.  “Was it the groaning?”

Dear Florence, I write.  We’ve been doing it this way for a good amount of time now and I don’t understand why you…

And it is there that I stop, because anything I write after that will include phrases like “willful inattention”, “please refer to the last dozen e-mails we’ve had on this same subject”, and “suspected lead-paint-chip ingestion”.

I take a deep breath, highlight and delete everything but the salutation and continue anew.

I believe we’ve been doing it this way for a while, haven’t we?  Perhaps I’ve been unclear in the past.  Please keep me copied regarding the decision made and I’ll implement the changes. 

Hugs and Kisses, Pearl.

Thinking better of it, I replace “hugs and kisses” with “best regards”.

We'll save that for the follow-up e-mail.

51 comments:

Sioux said...

"Perhaps I've been unclear in the past?" You "play dumb" (while your voice drips in sarcasm) like I do.

Is Florence a mouth breather? She sounds like she's one...

Susan in the Boonies said...

Competitive sighing is an event at which I excel and I WAS considering competing at this summer's Olympic games, but, I fear you've been in intensive training, and would sigh me to the bottom of the deep blue sea.

Also, the games are in London, where their stiff upper lip policy prohibits sighing on a nationwide level.

~sigh~

Hugs and kisses!

Susan

Pearl said...

Sioux, I most certainly do. :-) Because I prefer to write in declarative sentences and believe that if we are paid by the hour that we should buckle down a bit, I've been advised that I can come off as "too direct". I try to soften my style for the easily confused. :-)

Susan, oh, no one sighs like I do. :-) Between the feeling that I've never done enough and a touch of the ol' asthma, I can be, unchecked, a heckuva sigher.
Hugs and Kisses, Pearl

Pearl said...

Sioux,

p.s. Hard to tell about Florence. She's actually on the other side of the world, so our communications are all via e-mail.

L-Kat said...

Competitive sighing! Heeheehee! Love it.

Eva Gallant said...

Ah, the joys of employment; makes me so glad I'm retired!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Florence sounds like one of those people who gets through her working years by forcing everyone else to make the decisions..creating a paper trail to prove they made the decision and then keeping a low profile while heads roll. You gotta get rid of her Pearl...I'll check for some old leaded paint out in the tool shed.

Pearl said...

L-Kat, :-)

Eva, I want to be you some day, li'l Miss Retired! :-)

Delores, I can send them to her via InterOffice Mail!

Leenie said...

SIGH......

Simply Suthern said...

#2 on a list I have of "things you'd like to say at work but cant".

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

haphazardlife said...

Florence works here too.

Shelly said...

Every day, I count the miracles of folks like Florence who have made it to this age and station in life without any visible means of independence, critical thinking skills, and logic.

I could go on with this topic for too long, so I shall stop now.

Suzy said...

My mother could give you a run for your money for Competitive Sigh Queen. Once in a hotel she sighed so loudly she inadvertently ordered room service.

Lynn said...

How did Florence get that job??? This is a hot button with me. :) Can you tell?

Pearl said...

Leenie, ditto.

Simply, I like that. :-)

haphazard, she's not the first "Florence" I've worked with!

Shelly, the best part is, she's actually kinda far up on the ladder in terms of title/pay check...

Pearl said...

Suzy, nice. :-)

Lynn, I'm gonna go with "has naked pics of boss". But that's just a guess. :-)

esbboston said...

I think the beast salutation would be "best kisses", a nice combo of the .... Hold it, that should have been "the best salutation"

Just remember that in 92 minutes the week wiLL be eXactly half oVER.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, ad museum ....

Daisy said...

Florence has been promoted to the top of her incompetence. Is that the "Peter Principle"???

Symdaddy said...

Unfortunately we all know a 'Florence'!

In fact, I do believe I work for one!

TexWisGirl said...

competitive sighing. love it!

Pearl said...

esb, I'm kinda liking the "beast" salutation. :-)

Daisy, that is delightful!

Sym, you know, I don't mind, really, working with a Florence, but I can't abide working FOR one...

TexWisGirl, it's one of my strengths. :-)

Hannah Denski said...

Hahaha, the amount of sighs I've freed today... just like yours... so many Florences my way!x

skoots1mom said...

sounds like Florence doesn't want to go down alone...

Jinksy said...

Verbal diarrhoea in email form, is the pits... :)

Joanne said...

I have been driven to "Do not email me on this topic again." Of course, as I'm elected, my job isn't in jeopardy for four years. My sister and I had a Rol-o-dex shorthand, back in the day. Sadly, it does not exist on the modern keyboard. A person's name followed by a circle with a dot in it indicated we had found the person an assh..e to deal with. Kinda warning the next person who might take a call. You know.

Kerry said...

It would help if there were a given limit on how long a conversation can go. Like at parent-teacher conferences at my school, where we sit "arena-style" and parents wait to see us as we talk to them one-at-a-time. Teachers are given timers that beep after 4 minutes. Time's up! Next! Seriously.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

Holy moly. I didn't know you worked for the same company as I do! I didn't see you out in the cube farm....oh wait...

We've got this eye thing going today don't we? :o) Maybe you're not rolling your eyes the right way? Sorry...I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I think it's a sickness that all companies have at least one of these people employed.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Ha ha ha! I laugh because I just deleted half an email - the part that said what I really thought. Why? Because, like you, I often have to deal with folks like this.
Just smile and nod, Pearl, smile and nod.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Yes, we all know Florence. She has long hair, bad glasses and a dick at my office. Once voted "Person Least Likely To Hold A Job Down For More Than A Fortnight", but has been with us for twenty five years. Must. Control. Fist. Of. Death. Roth x

jenny_o said...

It is SO satisfying to type exactly what you want to say, even if you have to subsequently tone it down a notch or maybe a lot of notches. I am so afraid of accidentally sending the original, though, that I type it in Word rather than in the actual email. Yes, when I am upset, I am that spastic that it could happen.

And no "best regards" either! It's "very tersely yours" all the way :)

jenny_o said...

P. S. I would love to hear Simply Suthern's entire list of things you'd like to say at work but can't!

Juli said...

Please tell me that Florence is an older partially retired, re-located New Yorker from a predominately Jewish upbringing, and my day would be complete.

Because if she texted/emailed with that style accent and attitude I would just love her. I just know it.

OH. And she must have frosted gray hair. Just sayin'

Douglas said...

I was once castigated by half dozen engineers for doing a Reply All to the dozen or so engineers on a project. I was not on the project, wasn't an engineer, and my office was not on the list the project would affect. I merely pointed it out (a bit nastily, I admit). I did the Reply All because the three prior replies to the project "head" (I use the term loosely) had no effect.

But the emails stopped.

You, however, are obviously involved in whatever Florence is emailing about so you cannot do as I did.

Sorry. I would suggest, you Reply All to every email. It is so much fun.

Glen said...

competitive sighing should be in the Olympics

Gigi said...

I feel your pain, Pearl. I really do. And my heavy sighs are famous throughout the states of North Carolina and Texas.

If they had team competitive sighing in the Olympics we'd be sure to win the gold!

Bodaciousboomer said...

I think it's people like that who wind up for HOA's.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I am SO going to use that in every email possible .. Perhaps I have been unclear in the past ?

Love you,
One who sighs constantly ..

Silliyak said...

You would THINK that Acme Sprocket and Grommets would recognize when an employee has a loose/missing sprocket. Huh!

Susan Kane said...

Does she roll her eyes as well? I would string a wire across the hallway, just about ankle height.

Mr. Charleston said...

It's those Type A muther.....rs that make life miserable for the rest of us. They like to think of themselves as wolves in a flock of sheep but actually, they are just assholes.

sage said...

If competitive sighing was only an Olympic sport, we'd be cheering you on in London! Thanks for the laugh.

David Macaulay said...

This post totally make me miss the office (sigh)

ThreeOldKeys said...

okay, again .. inhale deeply ... exhale ... yes, a Deep Cleansing Sigh.

... and some people still insist that sighs don't matter.

Crack You Whip said...

Competitive sighing is the funniest thing ever!

Crystal Pistol said...

The days I work in the office I literally end the day pale and somber. It sucks the life out of me minute by minute. Work e-mails are the worst. Ick.

the walking man said...

PING! Florence WTF lol u gt ntn btr 2 do? PRL.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

If I had a nickle... I applaud your restraint. At this point I have usually send a response that includes the word, "moron".

I'm surprised I still have a job.

Amy said...

Pearle, I think it's time for some yoga ;) Perhaps a little Downword Dog will make the dog lay down.

darlin said...

I now wonder if there's a category for heavy sighing in the Office Olympics, something I may check into and keep you posted on. Florence's of this world can be such a pain in the neck, ya I was going to say ass but I'm publicly stating this so I rethought using that word!

Have a wonderful weekend... practice, practice, practice and you might take home that Gold! ;-)

That gentleman's lady said...

hugs and kisses in exchange for sighs?

You could sigh it "Big sighs of annoyance, Pearl"

NellieVaughn said...

Anyone with a name like Florence, and it is a lovely name, was born to be one of those people. She usually has a friend named Prudence, and all they do is complain.