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Thursday, June 7, 2012

I’m Like a Pioneer Over Here


In my new place, amongst the tree tops, life has gotten basic indeed. 

I explain this all to Female Intern, who is grinningly horrified by my current lack of amenities.  “No internet access?  How do you live?”

“Poorly,” I say.

“No “Dancing with the Stars”?  No Weather Channel?”  She shudders wickedly.  “No “Cops”?”

I grin back.  “I’m missing “Wheel of Fortune”. 

There is silence as we consider my plight.

“Really,” I say, “I’m like a pioneer.”

Fi raises one delicately arched eyebrow.

“Seriously,” I say.  “No TV.  No cable.  No internet.  It’s like I’m out on the prairie somewhere, sweeping a dirt floor and watching for twisters.”

“Hmm,” she says.  “Yes, I could see how the situations are similar.”

I stare at her.  “Are you mocking me?”

She stares back.  “No,” she says.

We stare at each other until one of us blinks.

“So,” she continues, “Are you all moved in?”

“Mostly,” I say.  “I have a list of things I’m going to need, though: a broom, a microwave – “

“—a cow.“

“A cow,” I grin.  “Maybe a coupla chickens –“

“—a bonnet to keep from freckling –“


Fi nods, satisfied.  “That sounds reasonable,” she says.  “After all, just because you don’t have access to the Internet doesn’t mean you still can’t have a good time.”

50 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

No internet? Gaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!

Simply Suthern said...

Once upon a time we did have a good time without the internet, microwaves and only had a two channel TV.

I dont miss the cows and chickens however. They took up to much room on the couch.

Hope you can make it more homey soon.

haphazardlife said...

FI is really growing on me...

Pearl said...

Delores, yes. It is AMAZINGLY quiet. Friends now have me reading Game of
Thrones. I'm only a couple thousand pages behind! GAAAAH is right!!

Simply, spoke with the first floor yesterday and she'll speak to the second floor. We're looking at splitting the cost...

Haphazardlife, she's pretty funny. :-) I could've done a lot worse, as far as being forced to sit next to an intern goes...

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

({SIGH} If only I could spell things right at the first attempt)

Ah, dear Pearl, I feel for you in your hour of need!

I would gladly offer you my one and only cow ... the one I have on stand-by for those days when I too lose my internet connection ... if only I hadn't hooked it up to the plough already.

However, the man from The Pony Express has promised my he could have a sack of corn on your doorstep within a month. So hang on in there, Pearlchen! At least you will be able to bake a decent loaf soon!

Er, you do have a grindstone, don't you?

Pat said...

No microwave? Me too:)

Leenie said...

Oh, but the advantages. No pop-up ads for bodily functions, no annoying emails from scams in Africa, no need to check your blog for comments when you get up to go to the bathroom in the dark, no churning butter, no slopping the hogs.....

Pearl said...

Sym, I don't have a grindstone, but I do have a butter churn. Maybe Mary has a grindstone...

Pat, They're not good for you anyway, are they? But what happens when I want a baked potato in under 6 minutes?!

Leenie, I have to admit that life is much quieter without FB. I do miss writing and posting from home, though...

savannah said...

FI seems witty, sweetpea. i am glad she is affording you some amusement! i haven't had a microwave in 3 years and i haven't missed it. i do hope 1 &3 will agree to sharing the cost for the internet. thee are a few things one simply can not do without, sugar! xoxoxoxox

(you've got grit, sister!)

savannah said...

there, i meant there, not thee! *sigh*

Pearl said...

savannah, I hope so, too. I have to admit I'm a little worried about how I'm going to get by, but I have great friends and great connections to cash-style jobs, so I'm hoping to cobble all this together until it works!

ThreeOldKeys said...

maybe yard sale season will be helpful ... although most people put outrageous prices on their tinctures of laudanum.

Susan in the Boonies said...

You ARE like a pioneer. Totally roughing it.

I'm growing fond of Fi.

Semper Fi.

Hey: any hope of GETTING internet? I'm worried that the Indians will attack, or you'll get the Milk Sick, or they'll be a plague of grasshoppers, or Good Old Bulldog Jack will die, and I'll not hear of it.

(How are the kitties adjusting to the new digs? You have custody of Liza Bean and Dolly Gee, right?)

(Are you on Facebook? Because we totally need to be friends.)

ellen abbott said...

hey, I just sold a vintage juicer, which consisted of a conical strainer and a round wooden masher to an old fart who is convinced this modern culture is teetering on the brink of collapse. I could look around for you and see if we have another one.

Shea Goff said...

What I have found thus far is it is amazing the trading that goes on in these types of situations. Ya' know, the neighbor has internet and would love to come home to a clean house so the deal is worked and services rendered.

Of course the power company is always wanting cash. (those greedy bastards)

Good luck, Pearl, though I doubt you'll need it. You got moxie, lady, and that stuff is valued at gold.

TexWisGirl said...

made me laugh. :)

mapstew said...

Ha! In Ireland 'Pioneers' are people who do not drink! (Booze that is!) Seriously! They're called Pioneers.

'You havin' a drink?'
'Naw, I'm a Pioneer.' :¬)

xxx

Ms Sparrow said...

Being the motherly type, I feel the need to rush in and help you out--except for a few minor details--like I only have one elderly microwave and I downsized my internet because I couldn't afford Comcast any more. Y'know, stuff like that. Have you checked out the Unique Thrift Store in Columbia Hts or Craig's list? Of course, if you hold off, somebody will offer to give you one! Hang in there, hun!

fishducky said...

If I didn't have the internet, I couldn't read your blog! The idea gives me chills......

Joanne said...

I'm liking Fi. She's a Laura Ingalls Wilder fan. Or at least the TV version. But how did you come up with tinctures of laudanum. My mother's grandmother drank it by by bottle (family story, probalby true). You aren't old enough to know about that stuff.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Good to hear you have the pioneer spirit! :)

CarrieBoo said...

Oh, for the high (speed) life. You do suit that bonnet, though.

Eva Gallant said...

I hope you get those important amenities soon; especially the cow!

jenny_o said...

I like your attitude, Pioneer Girl. Nothing, but NOTHING, shall keep you from having a good time.

You've been ominously silent whenever kittehs are mentioned. I'm afraid of what that means ...

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

I would die without Internet. Mostly because I am addicted to porn which you, likely, are not.

I hope you're doing okay out there in "the rough," you are still as funny and clever as ever... don't lose that and you'll be fine...

Lo said...

So glad to hear you sounding a bit up, though the lack of internet gives me the willies. I do not doubt that you will solve that soon.

But, as your other devoted fans have mentioned....I am worried to smithereens about Liza and Dolly.....are they OK? being fostered? Did Liza open a Cat
Bar? Can she support all of you with it? You gotta tell us.

Susan Kane said...

Pour me a shot of laudanum, over ice please! Funny one, Pearl.

Ian Lidster said...

Tincture of laudanum should do the trick. Use enough and the hallucinations will make up for lack of TV and bonus, no cable fee. I would miss Jeopardy, though.

Gigi said...

Microwave, television, cable - I could do without those amenities. But the internet?! THAT is a necessity! Here's hoping you find a way around that one soon!

Meeling said...

Wow you're really roughing it!! I hope the well isn't too far - that bucket of water will get very heavy!

The Elephant's Child said...

“After all, just because you don’t have access to the Internet doesn’t mean you still can’t have a good time.”
She is right, but she experience this? When?

Mamma has spoken said...

K, I can live without the tv and cable but no internet? unheard of. Though you could get two rabbits to go with the chickens and cow just to have the Itty Bitty Goes Nuts show.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I am just lovin' Fi a lot these days.
Cash style jobs sounds good ..

Daisy said...

The main thing is... what do Ms Lisa and Dolly think of all this??? Do they approve? Have they settled in?

On a more serious side - I hope you soon are comfortable and settled in your new home ... and it is a place of peace and growth for you.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Your pioneer spirit is impressive, Pearl. Isn't it interesting how quickly the frills become needs -- and maybe it takes a trip to a small place in the treetops to find that life can be good without all that. (But no Internet.....OMG!) Glad you have access elsewhere because I wouldn't want to miss a day of your writing!

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, all you need is a satellite rocket hub for internet. And a cow that can jump over the moon, being on the third floor, of course. ":)

HermanTurnip said...

I didn't have internet access last summer. It was the longest thirty minutes of my life. I hope to *never* have to repeat that experience.

Crystal Pistol said...

I recently saw a t-shirt in a thrift store that read, "The Internet Ruined Everything".


If I could have related to that sentiment I would have bought the shirt and then sent it to you in your time of need. That's just the kind of friend I am. :)

Good luck finding a decent bonnet these days. They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Do you at least have running water?

Are you reduced to using a septic tank?

You could always *gasp* try using dialup. 56K doesn't always cause massive depression you know.

River said...

I can lend you my microwave, just pop on over and pick it up. Any weekend is fine. I hope you get your internet sorted soon.

NellieVaughn said...

I think I want to take Fi home and keep her as my pet. She is growing on me, but then again, I don't know her personally.

Indigo Roth said...

*Prez Obama mode*

"In a time of conspicuous consumption, fat cat salaries and unbridled ambition, we can still be inspired. A back-to-basics approach, embraced wholeheartedly by a Minnesotan blogging legend, shows us the way. Pearl has no TV, no internet, no mailbox, and no distractions. And we're not so sure about electricity and running water. Or shoes. Pearl is the very embodiment of the American Spirit."

We salute you, brave wanderer!

Indigo x

Linda O'Connell said...

When my computer revolted, I spent a week's gas allowance driving back and fortht ot he library. Withdrawls make you do crazy things.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Last week, when the AC was out and i was sweating bullets and hallucinating from the heat - and also the same day a tree landed in my swimming pool - I thought to myself :
"Well, I will be alright. The Wifi is working."

Have fun in your treehouse, Laura Ingalls. ;)

Laurel's Quill said...

As usual, you crack me up.
"Be careful, now...that's full of hops"...Tombstone.

Mr. Charleston said...

No cable, no tv, no internet... blessed relief.

Pat said...

well Pearl - like my Mum used tosay: 'I want never gets!'

Hannah Denski said...

Adventures and stories happen when the internet is down... and when back on you can share with us here! x

Diane said...

I would loan you my cow, but she and the chickens are just now involved in a no-holds-barred fight to the finish in Plants vs Zombies. Personally, I'm betting on the cow. She has weight behind her . . .