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Friday, June 15, 2012

The End is Coming, or Now Don't Forget to Have Some Fun, You Hear?


I have been concerned for a while now, certain, in particular, that a virulent strain of something akin to the plague will sweep across the continents, depriving us of all-you-can-eat buffets and soy-milk-latte-no-whip concoctions, leveling the playing field to something below sea level.  I can picture the solitude, hear the silence.  Even now, I am making apocalyptic plans to steal a Winnebago and drive south, where I will eat oranges and shout hysterically when faced by ‘possums.

And here on my daily bus commute in to work, I survey those around me and wonder…

Here, come sit next to me.  You don’t have anything else to do, do you?  Frankly, I’m a little concerned about some of the people present, but when the end comes, we’re going to need everyone’s cooperation, am I right?

Take the bus driver, for example.  We already know some things about him:  he can handle a multi-wheeled apparatus; he can have the rules for the bus (no drinking, no eating, must collapse baby strollers, etc.) right in front of him and not feel the need to enforce them; he is impervious to heat, as evidenced by his grudgingly turning on the air conditioner the other day only after the melting of several commuters.

What we don’t know is whether or not he will bend to our will.

Who else we got here? 

Hmm.  Twelve women, eight men, a quasi-thug with the waist of his pants ever-so-slightly north of his knees and a cell phone growing out of his ear, and a guy in a wheelchair and reliant on cannistered oxygen.

It’s gonna be tough sledding for a while.

The world is in trouble, ladies and gentlemen. None of these people – myself included – look like they’re up to the challenge of birthing a new civilization. 

In light of the need to be practical in this practically ridiculous scenario, I have taken stock of myself; and I think you’ll be as surprised as I was to discover that I am going to be of no help whatsoever:

I know how to milk a cow, but I’d rather not.

I would not trust me to set your broken bones, help you deliver your baby, or pull one of your teeth.

I don’t know how to repair any kind of engine.

I can’t remember if the cure for a snake bite is sucking the poison out of it or peeing on it. Either way, someone’s going to be embarrassed. 

I could go on and on, but already I’m worried about the future.

Thank goodness we’re all perfectly safe, huh?

I don’t know.  What do you think?  Should we just stay on the bus today?

48 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

Has anyone ever asked you to pee on their snakebite? Just asking.

My skills don't even equip me for surviving in this world, so I certainly have nothing to offer the new one, except advice.

Robbie Grey said...

There's something about that bus ride, which gets me to think of Hotel Califorina, or Home by the Sea...quite 'pocalyptic in and of itself.

Pearl said...

Vicus, you shall be my jester in the new world. So it is written, so it shall be done!

Robbie, I'm kinda feelin' that lately, yes...

NotesFromAbroad said...

I know ! I know !! you pee on a bee sting. Or you pee when a bee stings you ...
Then you puff up and die from the bee sting.Or at least I do ..

I don't know, I am useless unless you need something embroidered, I can't sew.
I can't build a fire .. hey, pee on a fire to put it out :)

I can definitely be sympathetic though.. someone might need that when the world is , you know , ending.

love you, C

fmcgmccllc said...

Ah, you must be coming to visit me in Grosse Pointe as I have numerous contacts with possums. I should bake you a cake except I can't cook very well and don't want to make you ill. Maybe we can go out to the farm and you can teach me how to milk a cow, except I really don't want to know how to do that. Just don't stay at the Holiday Inn Express, they will except you to do all of the above and drive the bus.

fishducky said...

Like Scarlett O'Hara. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers...

Lynn said...

I hope if the end is near, that I am far away from Atlanta. :)

Shelly said...

In a recent stint I had on a jury panel, I let my mind wander to a Hunger Games type scenario with them. I found it's not a good thing to let the mind wander too far~

Shea Goff said...

I'm hoping if the going gets tough we can do more than we thought.

But then again, people who supply energy do not accept hope as payment.

esbboston said...

As far as the snake bite remedies, its probably best to do both, BUT pay attention to the order they are performed, as it wiLL make a difference. Not to the patient of course.

Um, I couldn't help noticing that this blog post reminded me of a previous conversation I overheard one day in AmarilLLo on a bus bench at the corner of 10th and Adams by homeless lady that I tried to give some money to. Do I need to send you some money as weLL?

esbboston said...

Oh, Shelly cracked me up laughing with the Hunger Games comment. I eXpect nothing less from a feLLow Texan.

CarrieBoo said...

That's so funny! It's not looking hopeful if that bus-load is anything to go by... my greatest skill is burping the alphabet, and that isn't going to get us very far, either.

⊱↫PreciousKD↬⊰ said...

I haven't been on a long bus right in a while, but I remembered my mind wandering from A to Z..

I'm scared of snake, so you won't see me sucking the poison out or peeing anywhere near it..

Amy said...

Oh Dear, just how long do you spend in those bus fumes before you board?

Baj said...

Peeing is the proper option for snake venom removal...just the type of Florida swamp know how that hopefully keeps me alive when the zombies come.
Cheers, Sasuage...

terlee said...

I think rather than stay on the bus, you shouldn't have gotten on in the first place!!

Time to go visit T..??

bill lisleman said...

Oh the thought of a generation living in city buses.
I fear that optional snake bite treatment might attract a few freaks. Hope your doom doesn't go boom.

Eva Gallant said...

That's it! Going forward I'm avoiding bus rides altogether!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Hey, you stick a cow in front of me and I'll milk it..no problem.. I can't ingest the milk but I can definitely get it out for you. Everything else on your list...I'm totally useless. If the world has to depend on me we're down the tubes. Stay on the bus.

Ms Sparrow said...

I've read several post-apocalyptic novels and seen a bunch of Mad Max type movies--would that help?

Tom G. said...

I can brew beer, and also distill liquor. I'm hoping this skill gets me into one of those communes where people know how to raise animals and food. If not, at least I'll be able to numb myself adequately before the zombies consume me.

Silliyak said...

I repeat a bastardization of an Ann Lamott quote, "Your (our) mind(s) is a like a dark alley, somewhere you (we) should never go alone."

Joyful Things said...

I think I will run to the closest killer virus because, while I could, I do not want to make a hat from the hide of the squirrel I had to trap because I needed to roast up his tiny body over a burning tire fire just to have dinner because there are no all you can eat buffets left in the world.
I would be fine without the soy lattes though.

jenny_o said...

I'll stay on the bus if you'll be there too - I can't grow anything, I can't kill anything, and I am really bad at negotiating, but if the end comes I'll be sure to die laughing ...

I loved NotesFromAbroad's offer to embroider :)

middle child said...

We don't know when the world as we know it will cease to exist. That is up to God and and He'snot telling. That being said, my husband could survive in the wilderness and If I can continue to survive my marriage, I will be safe. I could do the medical stuff mentioned though I am not a nurse or doctor. And like a bear,....I can shit in the woods so.....bring it!

middle child said...

BTW, you pee on a jellyfish bite/sting. Suck the poison out of a bee sting.

Joanne said...

Nah, get off and get on with it. Nothing much is going to change.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

As Robert H. Heinlein said:

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

sage said...

Just a few weeks ago, a guy commented on a post I wrote about fixing up a sailboat, saying how I have the skills to survive the zombie Apocalypse. I didn't know how to take that unless he meant that zombies can't swim. I'll be on the lookout for a southbound RV.

Diane said...

I can milk a cow, but, I don't care who it is, I'm not peeing on anyone. When the world ends, you can find me under my rock.

Laoch of Chicago said...

I think a time of great hardship is coming. Hopefully the landing will be softer than I anticipate.

Jinksy said...

You're one up on me - I couldn't milk a cow if you paid me! LOL ♥

Sioux said...

I've never milked a cow but I HAVE nursed two kids (and if my breasts get any longer, the peeps in the new civilization will want to milk ME).

Works sucks the energy out of ya...That's what I know. And Adolf's Meat Tenderizer on bee stings...

Gigi said...

Hmmm...what skill do I have to offer the new world?

I got nothing.

Mel said...

You will be the story teller. People will bring you food and clothes and suck your snake bites because story tellers will be few and far between.

I read way too much post apocalyptic and zombie lit, I'm surprised I haven't had these same thoughts though. Must be the bus ride...

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, here's a hint, if there's an apocalypse, head north instead. Much better chance of finding people that actually know how to do stuff....yeah, believe it or not. ":)

Linda O'Connell said...

Dark chocolate, my answer to everything. I'm hoarding it. The latest internet advice is to hoard toilet paper.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I am in love with this sentence:

"Even now, I am making apocalyptic plans to steal a Winnebago and drive south, where I will eat oranges and shout hysterically when faced by ‘possums."

You should write the screenplay for a Mad Max remake. Mel Gibson is out; Pearl is in.

Joanna Jenkins said...

"I know how to milk a cow, but I’d rather not." This is my new favorite quote-- And I will be quoting you often, Pearl.

As for staying on the bus... I think I'll just stay in bed instead ;-)

Have a fun weekend,
xo jj

River said...

I can live without all you can eat buffets and fancy lattes, so I think I'll survive just fine.
I wish people out here had to fold baby strollers on the bus, they take up so much space!
Suck the poison from a snake bite, pee on a blue ring octopus or jelly fish sting.

Susanna said...

Great blog and very funny! I love the way you write! :)

xoxo
Susanna
http://susanna-behindmyeyes.blogspot.com

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl, I know where you're coming from. I'm often preoccupied with the imminent aardvark apocalypse, and keep the chainsaw fuelled, and cans of worms at hand. Btw, as someone who was stung on the lip the other day, I know which cure I'd prefer. And that oxygen could come in handy, so keep Wheels sweet. Roth

Tempo said...

Sorry Pearl, I've had to take your name off my list of people to 'Be Saved' when the world comes to an end. (soon)

Simply Suthern said...

It's the end of the world and you are worried about Possums?

savannah said...

i have a shotgun, sugar. i'll say no more. xoxoxoxox

Susan in the Boonies said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am on Team Pearl.

I have infinite faith in you, Mary, and Mary's boyfriend. Y'all are going to see me through the zombie apocalypse.

You're practical, git'erdone kind of people.
And, you'll be nice to me, if I cook for you.

NellieVaughn said...

You can use me. I am strong, far stronger than I look. I'll take care of building things, and fighting enemy tribes.

Pat Tillett said...

It's not looking too good, that's for sure... As a species, we're not getting any smarter....