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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

When Interns Attack


Female Intern is trying to kill me.

At least I think she’s trying to kill me.  It’s nothing obvious, nothing she can get into trouble for.  They’ll probably find me in a heap under my desk, shoes pushed aside, perhaps a small flask at my side. 

It’s subtle.

So subtle.

“Do you hear that,” she shrieks.  “Doesn’t that just kill?”

Confused, I whirl around in my chair, eyes wide, thinking that will help.  Like lowering the volume to the radio when I finally get down to the finding-the-right-house-number part of the driving directions, I stand firmly behind my widening-the-eyes-to-hear-better conviction.

And then I frown in concentration. 

This woman is giving me wrinkles. 

“I don’t hear anything,”

“Are you su – Ohhhh, I’m sorry,” she says, hitting a key on her computer.  “It’s one of those sounds that only people under 30 can hear.”

I squint at her.  “I’m clearly over 30,” I say.

She smiles.  “And don’t you look great,” she says, grinning.

She got me again. 

I briefly consider stapling her fingers to the keyboard.

We have a give and take relationship over here, she and I.  Sitting as we do in a double-wide down at the end of the hallway, we’ve discovered that we’re equally goofy.

The apple is an example.

Turns out that Female Intern, or “Fi”, as I like to call her, can take all day to eat an apple.

“How many apples do you bring to work a day?”

She smiles, so pretty, so clear-eyed and straight-of-spine.  “One.”

I frown, then just as quickly unfrown.  “One?  How can there always be a nibbled-on apple at your desk, though?”

“It’s the same one.”

“One apple.”

“Yes.”

“But not in one sitting.”

“No.”

“You gnaw at that one apple all day long.”

“Yes.”

“Are you trying to kill me?”

She smiles. 

I frown again.

I’m clearing the shoes from underneath my desk right after lunch.  

56 comments:

haphazardlife said...

Do not let her win. You can't let her win.

Mandy_Fish said...

If she's Eve eating the apple, does that make you the serpent?

Vicus Scurra said...

Very Joseph Heller.

Shelly said...

Trust her not, Pearl- trust her not...

esbboston said...

I like to carefuLLy peel an orange as one piece so that I can carefooly reconstruct the hoLLow huLL and then give it as a present. I am known for my generosity. I just now noticed there is eros in the middle of gen-eros-ity.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Survival of the fittest. She's got your number Pearl. Let's put our heads together....there has to be something that drives the young insane and gives them wrinkles. There must be, I mean, look at us.

R. Jacob said...

The shoes under the desk ar very Wizard of Oz like. Are you that wicked? if so please dial me 561-555-1234 for directions!

p.s. the 561 is real!

ray

Pearl said...

She looks so innocent, like a peach walking a teacup poodle, and yet she has a mind like a little brother with a pack of matches...

SparkleFarkle said...

Sorry, I won’t be able to comment today as I have laryngitis.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I agree with what has already been said. The longer you survive her, the greater stories you will have to tell about her - the things we do to create comedy gold.

fmcgmccllc said...

I was never a hater except for interns. So much time spent with nothing gained. The best you can hope for is fruit fly season.

Chantel said...

A little brother with a pack of matches--hahaha! Crap, you are up a creek.

Tell her that you read somewhere that apples absorb germs in the air--you've read it's healthy to leave a half of one in the room to keep you from getting sick. Thank her.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

One apple? All day long?
Meh. Give her 20 yrs. She'll be overweight and snarfing down a burrito (or 3 ;) ) with the rest of us.

Andrea SunnyDays said...

It can take me all day to drink one can of soda. It makes my husband nuts.

I'm pretty sure that's why I do it...

Joyful Things said...

Never trust the innocent looking! they are for sure goofy. And you, you are the poster child for the innocent "what? Who, Me?" You could teach her things Sensei - important things.

Just Me said...

I say you should bring a bag of apples to work, take one bite out of each one, and carefully place them around her desk. Or do one each day to prolong the joy.

bill lisleman said...

you need to use your wisdom on her. I don't know what part of your wisdom to apply. Perhaps directions to that apple orchard beyond the hills of MN. She will either get lost or buy a basket of apples that will last a year.

vanilla said...

You said you would do what? Crush her? Is that what you said?

Laraine Eddington said...

Never, never ask her questions. That gives her points.

Pearl said...

You guys are just full of smart ideas today, aren't you?!

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, you need to use reverse psychology. Put an apple on your desk, a really perfect, shiny one, and never take a bite out of it. Make sure she notices it.
If she doesn't ask about it in a couple of days, replace it with a single grape. Nobody named FI can resist asking why the apple turned into a single grape. ":)

ellen abbott said...

C'mon Pearl, you can take her with both hands tied around her neck.

Amy said...

Being from the midwest, you have access to some really stinky cheeses. You need to return the favor by nibbling the stinkiest piece of cheese you can nibble, all day every day. Score!

Joanne said...

This one is scary. She intends to live to tell her grandchildren about you. Trade down for a MI at once.

jenny_o said...

Nothing to add here, just saying how much I love this post and the comments!

Pearl said...

I swear the comments are the best part. :-)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

One apple throughout the day? Good Lord, you should've stapled her fingers to the keyboard. Hold on, I'll purchase a staple gun and catch the next flight to Minn. That's one cause I'd like to contribute to.

Hope you are well, Pearl. Sorry I haven't dropped by/commented in a while. Being here is always a treat.

xoRobyn

Stella said...

Hiya, Mapstew sent me over to say hi. I like your blog.

Eva Gallant said...

If she munches on the same apple all day, it must get all brown. If you see no evidence of the white of that apple getting brown, she's lying! Be very cautious with this one.

L-Kat said...

You're letting her win! She has the upper hand! You must take control of the situation!!

Bodacious Boomer said...

It takes her a whole shift to eat an apple? What is she a gerbil?

Indigo Roth said...

Good grief, how have you not yet fed her into a giant pencil sharpener?! I'll set off the fire alarm, we claim "industrial accident", k?

mapstew said...

I never 'send' people over! This one's a trouble-maker Pearl.

The Jules said...

Deep fry her apple!

Gigi said...

As much as I love your posts; the comments always crack me up! One of these days - when I have extra time (what's that?!) I'm gonna stalk all these people.

Oh, and mybabyjohn/Delores? The answer is "KIDS".

Watch this one, Pearl. She is crafty.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Oh I don't know, she might be in awe of you and searching for ways to get your attention, heroine worship or something like that .... But keep an eye on her anyway.
By the end of the day, isn't that apple kinda brown and icky looking ? :(~

Amber Star said...

Is she interning/learning your job?
eep...I dunno what to tell you other than what the others have. Maybe, put a shaker of salt on your desk. Maybe when she is out of the office for a few minutes her apple might disappear. Shake a little salt out in the area where her apple was located. Have some backup apples to put one on her desk later. Other than that you're on your own.

Amber Star said...

I liked the "deep fry her apple" one. You could replace her apple with a fried pie while she is out of the office. *evil grin*

bill lisleman said...

Pearl you inspired me so I gave this post a shout-out link
thanks

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I think she might be an illegal alien. No American would take all day to eat an apple. Offer her a potato chip. If she refuses, call INS.

HermanTurnip said...

Ahh....the good old passive-aggresive intern. Need any help in filling her desk drawers with foam peanuts?

Leenie said...

You've got so many comments and so much good advice that I'll just say Sparkle Farkle's comment was hilarious.

mary i said...

OH my. By the way how are my cats? Is sym feeding them??? ( tuna I hope)

mary i said...

MMM Carmel tuna apples...

The Elephant's Child said...

Eat her apple down to the core. Carefully place the core in the spot her apple was placed. Sit back and smile. A lot. Tomorrow the deep fry trick. Leave it alone the next day and replace it with a toffee apple for your finale.

kj said...

pearl, how did i find my way here? that is awful that i can't remember a trail that isn't even a week old....

you are a sketch. you and this relationship.

good for both of you!

heeheehee

love
kj

NellieVaughn said...

You do well to call her Fi. You see, I am a nerd. Last year, there was a video game, Legend of Zelda, released for the Wii. Link's guide was named Fi. Everyone hated her because she was the child of Annoying and Irritating. She was a pretty little thing that had no clue when to shut up.

Tempo said...

Nicely written Pearl. I'm sure you will find she's reading your blog..getting one jump ahead, always one jump ahead.. At least you wont see it coming..

the walking man said...

Mess with her head an swap her bitten into apple for a new one every time she leaves her desk.

savannah said...

do.not.respond.to.anything.

the FI is like a camel, once they get their nose in the tent, it's all over! anyway, chin up, tits out, you'll be fine and she'll move on to paid employment soon enough!
xoxoxoxo

Pearl said...

God but I love you people. :-)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

One apple all day? Something's up. How does it not get all brown and funky within an hour?

Pat Tillett said...

Yin and yang...

Diane said...

Ha! I hear sounds that only those OVER FIFTY can hear. In your ear, Fi!!!

Susan in the Boonies said...

It's a plot. A terrible, terrible plot.

Invest in botox: the frown is doing you no good.

dogimo said...

She might be spritzing that apple with lemon juice, after every bite. It's the only explanation.