I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Part I: Liza Bean Bitey Tells a Story; or, Tin and Jonics All Around!


We’ve managed to grab a booth at Nye’s.  The gold-flecked upholstery, the low, intimate lighting: the place has the feel of a supper club, circa 1950.  In this atmosphere, Ike is president, Dean Martin is headlining in Vegas, and cigarettes are an appetite suppressant.

Liza Bean gazes into her drink, an iridescent gin and tonic, absent-mindedly fishes out one of four lime wedges.

“Have I ever,” she says, thoughtfully re-squeezing the lime, “told you about the time I worked as a bouncer?”

She hadn’t.  I somewhat drunkenly shake my head.  Drinking with a cat is no small matter, and I reflect on my foresight in having canceled the next day’s activities.

“Nope,” I say. 

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small-pawed murderer of mice, a cat who has a manuscript purportedly written as a collaborative effort between her and Hunter S. Thompson, drops the lime back into her drink, stirs it with one terrible extended claw.

She takes a sip, smiles with tiny, pointed teeth, eyes gleaming like stolen emeralds.

“It was a couple summers ago, actually,” she says.  “You know the building in the Warehouse District, the one that has the top of it blown off?”

For once, I do.  Pleased with this, I nod vigorously, and a passing cocktail waitress pauses briefly, perhaps concerned I’m having a seizure.

Liza Bean flicks her extended claw back and forth, back and forth, through her ice cubes, leans forward and sucks the last of her drink up the straw.  No sooner has she raised her paw but our waitress is back.  “Gin and tonic, four limes,” she says, placing the drink on the table.  Felines are notoriously good tippers, and any waitress worth her salt knows this.

“Thank you, sweetheart.”  Liza Bean hands her a couple bills.  The waitress, a Betty Paige look-alike, winks and practically skips back to the bar. 

“So there was a bar in the basement of that building,” the cat says, squeezing one lime after another into her drink. “You had to know it was there, and it wasn’t for just anyone.  No signs, no flashing lights, no indication that there was anything of interest down those steps.”

Liza Bean takes a sip of her drink, closes her eyes in appreciation.  What is it with cats and gin and tonics?  I consider pulling out the notebook I keep in my purse for just such observations and then promptly forget about it.

“It was a cat bar,” she purrs.  “Do you hear what I’m telling you, Pearl?  A cat bar, one of only four in the city.”

I nod: a cat bar.

And that’s when I settle back, a silly smile on my face. 

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, is going to tell a story. 


Come back tomorrow for Part II!

32 comments:

Shelly said...

Oh, this is as juicy and delicious as I'd anticipated. Can't wait!

But a questions. Why are felines such notoriously good tippers, but not canines?

vanilla said...

After a second g & t and more to come; this is going to be good.

Leenie said...

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys always has a great story to tell. The anticipation of reading it is going to make this Monday much better.

Hope you remembered to check your shoes for that gift.

esbboston said...

The only Gin With that I ever had was GWDP, -Dr Pepper-, and it was not a pretty night. I was playing Angry Birds in my kitchen at the bar and be came too siLLy trying to snort with and like the smiling pigs. Hypnotic snorting happy battle hardened pigs, "More! Dwink more! Get a better score!" - I teLL ya, avoid dwinking with them. I imagined days later that it was like partying with Marines. True Story.

R. Jacob said...

I am all ears, which is very convenient when you wear glasses...

Pearl said...

Shelly, that's a very good question. Why ARE cats better tippers than dogs? Perhaps it's because, while dogs get just as sloppy drunk as cats, the police are not involved as often...

vanilla, it's hard work drinking with a cat...

Leenie, I'm glad to hear that. :-)

esb, Gin and Dr Pepper? Oooh, you get what you asked for when you mix those two!!

R., I'm so going to use that someday...

Joanne said...

Good thing you left the notebook in your purse. Cats are so secretive. Liza is only telling what she wants you to know. That notebook would have changed her story entirely.

Pearl said...

Joanne, you are probably right... :-)

CarrieBoo said...

What a journey. I've been playing catch up again (aren't I always?)... it looks like you found your wings again. I do hope so. You have to be on your toes for that Liza Bean Bitey.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I swirl the ice in my drink thoughtfully with one extended claw, squeeze my emerald eyes tight in anticipation....the twitch down my spine is NOT, I repeat NOT, caused by fleas....nothing, but nothing, is as interesting as a good cat tail.

Eva Gallant said...

Darn, Shelley beat me to it! I was just about to say, this is delicious, and then I read her comment. It truly must be delicious if we both thought so! I love Liza Bean Bitey! (AlthoughI worry that her band Squeak Toy may be the reason you found yourself having to move!) Can't wait for part 2.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I'm on the edge of my bench.

bill lisleman said...

Pearl how often do waitresses worry that you are having a seizure? Myself I'd be worried you are out drinking with your cat again.

mary i said...

I can't wait... I am going to make my little innocent dog leave the room when next I read you though.

L-Kat said...

Don't do this to me!! You ended it there?! Grr...

I think I am secretly part-cat: I love gin and tonics. This explains my independent nature and also why my brother is always sneezing around me.

Sioux said...

I love gin and tonics in the summer when it's hot and humid. I'm looking forward to one soon, AND to reading the rest of this story.

jenny_o said...

What I like is that you take the normal cat looks and actions (pointy teeth, terrible claws extended, closing of eyes in appreciation) and give them that delightful twist that turns them into ... well, into Liza Bean's very human interactions. You know cats well :)

Can hardly wait for part 2.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Ahhhh, a story about a cat bar ... go on, please ..

Gigi said...

Liza Bean as a bouncer? Yeah, somehow I can see that!

That gentleman's lady said...

I could like a cat that liked G&Ts :-)

NellieVaughn said...

I've never been to a cat bar, but I have been to a dog cafe. It was all strange odors and puddles of drool.

Crystal Pistol said...

Ooo now THIS I've got to read! I'll be back tomorrow. :)

Once never knows what one might find in a cat bar. Cats are wild. ;)

The Elephant's Child said...

I will assuredly be back. With a G and T.

Symdaddy said...

I hope it's not going to be the story of how she conned (YES! CONNED!!!) my boy Sym out of his hard earned doggy biscuits, a Muppet T-shirt and his barrel of REAL Ale!

He get's ever so upset when he's reminded of that and, since he has his new smart phone, it's gonna be hard hiding LB's story from him!

Be warned! There could be trouble!

Hannah Denski said...

Oh you do keep us hanging on, don't you, Liza Bean Bitey! :)

Pat said...

Take your time Pearl.
I'm just enjoying the ambience:)

the walking man said...

How that hep cat wound up in Minnesota and not at the Playboy mansion is the story I would like to hear.

Brian Miller said...

well you have set us up well...and i am interested to see what you do with this as well...

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, everyone should know their characters as incredibly well as you know Lisa Bean Bitey. This is wonderful writing, a great read and funny as can be. Were you a cat in one of your previous nine lives, by any chance? ":)

Diane said...

Drink in hand. Feet on the coffee table. I'm ready . . .

Lucy said...

Not entirely convinced by this. Maybe my cats behave out of character - but they're autoc(r)ats. I don't remember them giving a tip in their lives - good or otherwise. Maybe I brought them up wrong?

Peace said...

How'd I miss this yesterday??? I'm so not a cat over but I can't wait to know what's next!