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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt


I don’t think I’ve ever done laundry for fewer than two people before, and I’m confused.

And just a little frightened.

How strange, to do only one’s own laundry.  Six socks, three shirts, a pair of pants and bath towel lie across chairs, dangle from hangers, drying slowly. 

I stare at them, a dare, perhaps.  I imagine the socks lining up in front of me, a can-can of plain white athletic socks, a diversion while the bath towel creep ups from behind, throws itself over my head…  The pants – a shifty pair with a untrustworthy zipper – go through my wallet, laugh maniacally when faced with the lousy $17 it finds; and all of them chuckle madly as they tear down the hall toward the elevator, off to stuff dollar bills in the G-string of an unsuspecting stripper while the socks chant "Put it on!  Put it on!"

Of course, if the dryer were available, they’d all be hidden away, tumbling, heel-over-toe, a mish-mash of freshly cleaned whites.  Washed in a detergent scent once described by a friend as “angel fart”, the condo would smell of ambition, of a triumph of good over sweaty.

But the dryer’s not working, and anyone walking in would think that something untoward has happened with the hamper, that a virulent strain of garment flu has struck, resulting in an explosion of laundered garb, the washing-machine equivalent of a particularly unsettled stomach. 



Man.  I gotta get out more.

57 comments:

Buttons said...

Hug B

Pearl said...

:-) Thanks, Buttons.

bill lisleman said...

Have you considered doing the cat's laundry?
"washing-machine equivalent" - I guess it takes out-of-the-box thinking to come up with that.

Pearl said...

Bill, the kitties do their own washing. :-)

rcazares said...

Love this! Laundry never sounded so fun when I was condo-ing and single!

Shelly said...

I'm sure angel fart will never make it to the melodic descriptions on the laundry care bottles, but it is quite apt.

This crucible you are in is forging some powerful writing, friend. Hugs to you~

Leenie said...

You could try doing your laundry like the cats do. I've got some hairball medicine here if you need it later.

Beth said...

You have a great imagination – or just scary looking clothes. ;)
You also possess a delightful way with words.

Pearl said...

Shelly, hardly a description likely to make the marketing campaign, is it?! (And thank you!)

Leenie, well I HAVE been working on my flexibility... :-)

Pearl said...

Beth, the clothes aren't all that scary, but sometimes my brain certainly is. :-)

CarrieBoo said...

I could send some extra washing over for you, if you like. I'm hoping one day, that they will invent self-cleaning clothes.

L-Kat said...

I bet you're rarely bored. With an imagination like that, the possibilities of entertainment are endless!

Pearl said...

CarrieBoo, see? This is what friends do for friends. Thanks for trying to make me more comfortable. :-)

Pearl said...

L-Kat, I make a lot of stuff up. I've been known to laugh aloud at my own thoughts...

Leenie said...

Laughing out loud at the circus in your head is one of the best parts of life. Hahahahahaha..........

StephanieC said...

Did you ever wonder what the angels eat in order to have such aromatic farts?

Did I really just type that?

Oh well, at least the stripper would come out ahead in all this.

Pearl said...

Leenie, that makes me happy.

StephanieC, 'tis a question for the ages. :-)

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

I too have shouted "Put it on! Put it on!" whilst at a karaoke Striptease at The Pheasant Plucker, our local pub.

Bertha Duzzit, a rather large lady with a zimmer frame, was the only one willing to perform and she stripped to 'Tie A Yellow Ribbon' ... seven times. That is to say, they played that song seven times before she could get past the whalebone and heavily elasticated pants.

As I recall seven marines were in the pub that night and have subsequently been relieved from duty pending psychological evaluation.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Darn dryer....now you're going to have to iron. Maybe threatening those dangerous pants with a piece of hot metal will straighten them out (straighten them out, get it???). It's been a long day already.

haphazardlife said...

Darling, you DO have to get out more. Trust me.

Pat Tillett said...

Lots of images popped into my head while reading this. Most noteworthy of those images, is your washing machine upchucking clothes all over the place.

Hilary said...

You're a hoot. I'm enjoying doing only my own laundry now, too. At least for the next little while.

Angel fart, indeed.

terlee said...

The only way to combat the weirdness of singleton laundry is to let it pile up.

Course, with no dryer, the condo would look like the zombie apocalypse, pieces scattered everywhere.

Joanne said...

There are advantages. Only your own sox to lose. You don't yell at yourself over lost sox, do you?

Pearl said...

Sym, that was wonderful. :-)

Delores, that was delightfully goofy, and I wholeheartedly agree.

haphazard, but what of my laundry? Who's going to watch it dry???

Pat, that's pretty much what I did last night: envisioned unhealthy appliances...

Hilary, I'll get used to it, I suppose. :-)

terlee, I'd like to, but living out of a suitcase, I only have so much laundry to start with. Wonder if work would care to re-institute Naked Wednesdays? I could always get this ol' thing ironed...

Pearl said...

Joanne, when you only have 10 socks, there are no socks to lose. :-)

middle child said...

I had to fight with Explorer to be able to leave this comment! Am I stubborn or what?
Laundry is indeed dangerous!!! I just started a load after having my foot give out and splilling my coffee.
I have a laundry chute from the bathroom to the dungeon where the laundry room is....I opened the chute and was attacked by a ton of laundry. Really scared me. Hurts when towels come hurling out at you! Be careful.

Shea Goff said...

Dude. It's dangerous at your place.
Mine too. Time to take a trip even if it's a walk.

That gentleman's lady said...

If I have a nightmare about my laundry running all over the place, I'm going to find you, Oh yes I am!

ThreeOldKeys said...

You had me long before angel fart. And then you got me again at garment flu.

Keep writing. Also eating, socializing, and taking care of yourself.

jabblog said...

Pray for fine weather and peg out your washing. My daughter's dryer has died, too, so she's thankful for today's sun and breeze.(She has five to wash for . . . )

jenny_o said...

Pearl, your imagination works in wild and crazy ways, all to our benefit, whether you're in or out.

Better times ahead.

Pearl said...

Middle child, your persistance is noted and appreciated. Laundry chutes are crazy things, and I’ve never lived in a house with one. Still, plenty of time, should I desire one, yes?

Shea, then we are in wild agreement, you and I. Have tentative plans to go to Puerto Rico with a friend. Now THAT would put me out of reach of the insubordinate laundry, wouldn’t it?

That gentleman’s lady, I take full responsibility and shall come to your defense with a can of spray starch…

ThreeOldKeys, thank you. I count on you, you know.

Jabblog, I have lost control of my clothes lines – that is, I no longer have access to them. But am moving again in three weeks, so maybe the next place, huh? Maybe…

Jenny_o, some day, this will be a nasty little memory that will just strike me as funny, ‘cause I’m weird like that.

Esther Montgomery said...

Terrifying!

PattiKen said...

I'm here because of your visit and kind comment on my "Happiness Salad" post. Thank you for that! I'm liking what I find here, so I'll be back.

OK, on the laundry problem... I gonna help you out (I'm a good person that way) and send you my laundry. It'll give your clothes something else to mock, and besides, maybe you can whip my stuff into shape. ;-)

Pearl said...

Esther, I'm thinking of turning it into a radio play...

PattiKen, oh, you kind soul you. :-) Send me your tired, your poor, your wrinkled trousers yearning to breathe free...

Belle said...

My husband hates me washing his clothes as he is afraid he will never see them again. I will admit some of them have ended up in his son-in-law's drawer, but is that a reason to be paranoid? He saves them up and I have to wash them all alone.

Lo said...

Gawd, you are funny.
You are also amazing that you can see and write the funny stuff even when you are down.......try to think of all of this as a weird adventure......maybe you already are.

I'm praying for sunshine for you. Luv you.

Macy said...

Hang on in there Pearl. One of the advantages of doing the washing for one has got to be only doing the ironing for one too!

Douglas said...

At least you do not have to trudge to the nearest laundromat (situated close to a bar) as I once had to do.

I might have to post something about those days. I think the statute of limitations has run out.

Leenie said...

Threatening wrinkles with a hot iron makes them straighten up? Thinking, thinking----nah.

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

Mandy_Fish said...

There have been times in my life that I did laundry for one and times that I have done laundry for many. No matter what time of life it is, it seems I am always yearning for another.

Gigi said...

Oh, I LOVE the comments.

But, don't worry Pearl; I'm on it. As I type there is 16 loads of laundry winging its way to you. It all needs to be washed, dried and ironed - with extra starch.

And to whomever said that Explorer was giving them fits? It's also happening in Chrome! :-(

Beach Bum said...

Since I work night shift with Friday morning the beginning of my weekend I start the laundry as soon as I get home. If my family and I stay home all weekend I have found our dirty laundry can never ever truly be finished, on average around the 75% completion mark on Sunday afternoon my kids have already started throwing the stuff I washed Friday morning back into the clothes hamper.

Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise) said...

Heeehehehehee, I may never, ever look at the laundry the same again!!!

You crack me up girl and maybe just maybe ya DO need to get out more! :o)

God bless ya and have an amazin' day sweetie!!! :o)

Juli said...

I just finished my 4th load for the day. Mind you, I will have another 4 tomorrow.

Laundry for 1... I have no idea what that is like.

Ian Lidster said...

I want to give you such a hug. Poignant is the word that works here.

HermanTurnip said...

"while the socks chant "Put it on! Put it on!""

Jebus, that had me laughing! Heh....you're too much :-)

Diane said...

'Angel Fart' does it for me! I'm off to peruse the shelves at the local Vold-e-mart. It should be there alongside my favourite cereal, Crappies.

The Elephant's Child said...

Oh Pearl. Hugs and smiles.

Jon in France said...

We're shorthanded here on the laundry from. The pay is terrible, but it's all the duck you can eat.

Tempo said...

Oh Pearl, you need to change the brand of that ironing spray you use honey, this one is,er...affecting you!

Suldog said...

No, you gotta stay in more. This is brilliant stuff. For the sake of me and my enjoyment reading you, keep enclosed and hallucinate further. Thank you.

Susan in the Boonies said...

The cats, the socks, the gloves: your tendency to anthropomorphize your world disturbs, even as it entertains. :-D

NellieVaughn said...

Sleeping is always an option. It's so lovely to dream.

River said...

I've been doing laundry-for-one since Feb. 2010 and I swear I don't know where all this stuff comes from. Surely I don't wear all these clothes? But then I get to thinking...work clothes, after work clothes, weekend clothes, pyjamas, bath towels, dish towels, sheets and pillowcases....all mine, all needing washing. Oh dear. Thank goodness for Aussie sunshine and a working dryer for the rainy winter days.