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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Maybe I Have the SAD? or Pearl will Feel Better Later


Pearl, wishing to distance herself from the weight that has settled on to her chest and dug its grasping talons into her feebly-beating heart, is referring to herself in the third person today.

It keeps the lump in her throat from choking her altogether.

Because she misses the life she thought she had. 

And she misses the one that she thought was coming.

She wants it back.  Today.  She wants to answer the phone to someone who loves her, someone who tells her a dirty joke, knowing the smile she will smile.  She wants to pass in front of a mirror, point at herself and murmur “Hey there, beautiful”.  She wants to be swaddled tightly and rocked, reminded that everything will work out.

That everything will be okay.

She stands in the corner office, 48 floors up, and watches the two hawks that live atop the building wheel and circle in the slate-colored sky.  Wings barely moving, they turn, time and again, facing each other, turning away. 

She wants to be in the sky. 

She wants to feel light again.

She wants to be surrounded by laughing, happy people.

And in that, she will finally get her wish.

She's having sushi with Sarah tonight.  And changing her life -- and her address -- by moving into her place on Saturday.



Sometimes, you just gotta keep moving.  And that’s what I’m going to do today:  I’m gonna just keep moving.  

82 comments:

ellen abbott said...

What!? Oh Pearl. Moving in with a girl friend usually happens after your life implodes. I'm so sorry for what was but moving forward things will be able to get better. They will.

Shelly said...

(((((Pearl)))))

vanilla said...

Wishing you what you want.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

Oh, Pearl. I hope you are soaring and smiling again soon -- and that you get what you so wish!

R. Jacob said...

Someone I know loves Pearl and thinks Pearl is wonderful and beautiful. And would hug Pearl too.

"the tears of a clown when no ones around"

Someone understands.

The Jules said...

Ooh, good luck. Nothing like a spot of newness to keep the blues at bay.


And the internet loves you, you know.

x

NYEMT said...

Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Pearl! Best wishes in a difficult time from another (albeit expatriate) Minnesotan, and I hope your moves help your heart back to a lighter, happier place.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, Pearl! My eyes teared up reading this post. What ever has happened, I hope you get past it and get happy again. Hugs, girl. Hang in there, because you are definitely loved!

Leenie said...

Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.

hugs

Ach du lieber said...

Much love.
That is all.

Joshua said...

I understand. And the special light won't fix me. Feel better, lady.

terlee said...

Wait. What?? You're leaving your house, your neighborhood, the back alley that needs to be planted?? Seriously??

Oh wow, Pearl.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Virtual hugs. All hopeful wishes and helpful thoughts headed your way. All will be well.

Joanne said...

Everyone's said it. I'm crying with you. The internet loves you. All the good will will sweep you away to your new digs. Just let it.

fishducky said...

If you keep moving, they can't find you..........

Ian Hawkins said...

My world exploded last year, all that I had thought real for two decades torn away, a tissue thin fantasy blown away in a hurricane of truths. There isn't an upside, but there is a new life to be lived, in my case, remarkably, with the same woman. Good luck finding your way through life's minefield, there is a world beyond.

Camille said...

So many care for you - near or far - over time and distance. Deep breath and a deep sigh for our Pearl. You can do this. You're going to soar.

Joyful Things said...

Third person always screws me over - I can't keep up. Are you moving in with Sarah or moving to a new place? In any case, you are moving away from the junk collecting biker, trailer folk down the street - that might be a good thing and who knows, maybe you'll find new junk collectors near the new place that you can tell us about. Don't despair - happy always feels better after a bout with the sad.

Here's a joke, overheard in a bar: "All I want is a man who can tell the difference between the G Spot and a cesarean scar"

I know - lame. Your day can't be worse than that joke. Keep smiling!

Craver Vii said...

It helps me to ask one of the kids to pull my finger. If I'm desperate, I might ask a coworker, or even my boss. Yes, I honestly once asked my boss to pull my finger.
(sigh)
But no one ever does.

L-Kat said...

Hugs and love to Pearl. :)

Silliyak said...

Is Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys on the run AGAIN?

Suzy said...

My sister and I had a wonderful life. A little TOO wonderful because now that we're older (which we're totally not)we miss it and wonder why these days are so bland, so NOT where we thought we'd be.

I mainly cry about it, my sister just keeps busy.

So I hear ya, feel ya and ugh.

bill lisleman said...

Wishing you the best on your move. Does this mean a new bus route, new alley to explore?
Do we know Sarah?
Do know that you create laughing people with your blog.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Oh Pearl! I don't know what's going on, but if I lived anywhere in your tri-state area, I'd already have clocked out and be on my way to you with a box o' margaritas from Walmart.
Luvs ya, girl, and you know that!

esbboston said...

The tightest warmest biGGest hugz I can remotely impart:

me[{(/\|~=U=~|\/)}]em

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Oh Pearl! I don't know what's going on, but if I lived anywhere in your tri-state area, I'd already have clocked out and be on my way to you with a box o' margaritas from Walmart.
Luvs ya, girl, and you know that!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mel said...

I'm hoping you get your wishes.

When I feel like you're feeling, I count off the ways in which my life could suck way worse than it does, and then I make myself smile, because I read it releases happy endorphins in the brain. Sometimes I get outside and that helps. The weather has not been cooperating with that one lately.

Moving is hard, whenever and for whatever reason. Be nice to yourself, and have a nice sushi dinner. Hope things start looking up for you.

XO

fmcgmccllc said...

Everything will be okay, just probably not the okay you are looking for right now. I don't know that many happy people or laughing people. I personally laugh all the time because mostly stuff is stupid.

Ian Lidster said...

Keep going forward, sweetie. So sorry you are down and 'between'. Love you madly, if that's any help. You bring me a lot and I still look forward to meeting your someday.

Lesley said...

*hugs*

Pat Tillett said...

I have no idea what is going on with you, but this post is so sad. Whatever it is Pearl, you hang in there... All the positive thoughts I can muster are heading your way.

Chantel said...

A single day...and 31 comments thus far to reassure you that the sun is still there, behind the black sky.

Yes, we're in the same place. The one that makes you re-post the old because everything you write is smeared with ache. The one that makes midnight much easer than dawn.

Adore you. Sushi with Sarah sounds perfect.

Indigo Roth said...

We all love you, Pearl!

Pearl said...

Your comments are, to this Minnesota girl, almost unbearably kind, and I am so very grateful. To leave my home is painful, to live temporarily in other's, so untethered and open to the winds that it makes my body ache.

A big, full-body hug -- the real kind, not the creepy kind -- to all of you.

You have no idea how much I would like a drink right now...

jenny_o said...

Oh, Pearl ... I hope you realize how loved you are by us, even though it's not the same ... you ARE beautiful - it comes through in every post and every reply. Sending you support and hugs, dear. Deep breaths. And, yes, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. May you find what you are looking for, in the fullness of time.

the walking man said...

wise move to move when you're restless. Bet you'll sleep better too.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Strategic retreat. Nothing wrong with those, because you have the chance to regroup and revise, and come back all the stronger.

Like your piece and I like the image of the bird floating and playing on the wind eddies. When I was in the city I'd see those birds and long to be outside enjoying the same.

Sia McKye OVER COFFEE

Belle said...

I'm very sorry, Pearl. I hope the pain lessens each day. God bless.

Douglas said...

I have what you need but I am so far away... and I'm afraid that Faye would not understand. Been there, done that. The clouds will clear, the sun will shine again, and happiness will once again enter your heart.

Trust me... as I have said; been there, done that.

Diane said...

I've done what you're doing a few times. I'll probably do it again. Each time is better though; don't look back. The future will be so much better.

Ms Sparrow said...

Aw Pearl, I'm so sorry you're hurting and I'm hurting for you. Be really kind to yourself now and accept the love of all your many, many friends.

Gigi said...

Obviously, I don't know exactly what you are going through - but Pearl, I want you to know that I am here for you (only an email away).

You are a bright ray of sunshine into so many people's lives and you are loved more than you know.

No matter what happens, it will be okay eventually.

Much hugs and love to you sweetie.

SherilinR said...

so many things change and seem impossible. eventually, though, there's almost always happy on the other side. only, no one knows how long it takes to get to the other side.
i'm sorry. you'll have to learn a new bus line, won't you? don't forget to take your little notebook.

Buttons said...

Fly Pearl fly. Sometimes life sucks but after the crap and you laugh about it you get an awesome blog post or book or both. Smile and think happy. The move will be a good thing.B

Buttons said...

I forgot the {{HUG}} I know it is from this total stranger but I really am nice:) they always help me. B

Linda O'Connell said...

It's okay to be down, just don't stay down. You will bounce back and realize that this move was just a stepping stone. Welcome change, even if it is not what you want or need at the moment. Hugs girl! keep us aprised. We are all concerned for you.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Wow. That hit us all out of left field. You have a lot of people out here who love you and hope the best for you. Be strong my friend.

Lo said...

So sorry for whatever is happening to shake up your life. You are such a dear, brilliant, sensitive and wonderful person that there must be something good to come out of all of this.

Just know that I love you mightily and would hug you to near suffocation were I close by enough....we all love you, Pearl so please don;t despair.

Better times are coming.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I will be praying for you, my friend.

I know you've been unhappy.

I wish we could just sit down and talk. Maybe some coffee. Maybe a drink.

I'd be so glad to be a listening ear.

Hugs!!!

I cannot imagine how your heart MUST be in your throat right now.

sage said...

Hang in there Pearl. I come here to enjoy your humor, but today I find myself saying a pray for whatever it is that you're going through.

Daisy said...

I hope things get better soon Pearl, and I think you ARE beautiful, and creative and witty. I would give you a doggy kiss, but Barbara says not to because I've got dog breath. And Ms Lisa and Ms Dolly might get angry at me.

Love from
Daisy and Barbara

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Third person (((( Pearl)))) should know she is loved. Believe it or not, third person ((((Pearl))) shall be fine. She should remain at peace within and know that no matter what transpires, one door never closes without another being opened, and another path awaits patiently to be followed--even in Minnesota. ((((HUGS)))) ~R

Crystal Pistol said...

I'm so sorry, Pearl. I hate you are hurting. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Not the creepy kind of thoughts and prayers. Just the normal run of the mill stuff.

NellieVaughn said...

If you keep moving, I'll run to catch up to you, and I'll give you a big hug.

Tempo said...

Oh Pearl... Thinking of you and wishing you all the hugs and love in the world.

SparkleFarkle said...

Sometimes it all falls under the category "Sucky." You're in my thoughts, Miss Pearlie, I keep you in my feather-nesty thoughts where it's safe and warm and comforty.

The Elephant's Child said...

Sending hugs.

Shrinky said...

Oh Pearl. ((((((((((x)))))))))))

Mandy_Fish said...

I moved in with a girlfriend once and it was the path to the greatest healing of my life. My hope is that this will prove to be true for you too.

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

Sorry you are going through a hard time. I can certainly relate to life's hardballs. You still retain your gift of writing, though. Although sad, a beautifully written piece with a resilient theme. You will be okay.

The Bug said...

The computer gods at work have decided (however briefly) that you are NOT a porn site & have allowed me to add my hugs to all these others.

Wish I could hug you in REAL life - and not in that creepy way either.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

Pearl. We all love ya, baby. And here's a margarita flavored lolly pop for ya! ((((((((hug)))))))))

Dragonfly Dreams said...

We all love ya, baby. Here's a margarita flavored lolly pop for you. (((((((((hug))))))))))))

Jocelyn said...

Oh, honey. I need your phone number so I can call you to shout out "I LOVE YOU!" I would not be lying.

So I haven't been reading blogs in recent days, and I'd missed what's going on with you. Do you remember a post I wrote about two years ago, chronicling a very painful break-up? Your comment was knowingly sympathetic. Let me try to give you heart here by telling you here, from my future (which is actually the present) that as I look back on my past, it was all for the best. I couldn't be as happy as I am today without going through some seismic shit.

Let's see how awkwardly I can carry this forward...ah, here we go: and once the seismic tremors silence, you'll look up and see a beautiful rainbow.

Yes. That's the ticket. It all ends with a rainbow.

It does, babes. It does.

Hannah Denski said...

Onwards and upwards! x

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Sometimes I think a new environment--new sounds, new light from a different angle, the bells of different churches in the background, and the sound of the Harleys zipping by...just give you a break to just...breathe...and...be...and cry and zone out and drink wine or tea and wear fluffy white robes and take long baths and read trashy books and watch stupid movies and use this sad energy to channel the very best of you, which we all know is still there, and always will be. You are loved, Pearl.Loved, loved LOVED!

NotesFromAbroad said...

Figures I would miss something important while trying to keep the upstairs neighbors from drowning us ...
I wanted to wish you well on the move, to send you hugs and kisses and chin up babe !
It sucks big time but then it gets better.
All the cliches come out now- something better is waiting and all this will be just another memory / story in The Life of Pearl one day.
Be sad but don't let it eat you up. Good things are ahead.
love you. C

kj said...

hello pearl, i 'm sorry i missed this post but i'm glad i'm here now. you have a lot of friends here and their wit and support is as delightful as your writing

"Do we know Sarah?"

i certainly don't because i don't really know you! but i hope and trust sarah is a kindred soul who will do your heart and wanderlust good

and pearl, honey, i know how you feel.....♥

love
kj

Laraine Eddington said...

This time will wash away so clean
Not a tear will be left in it

chlost said...

Pearl, honey. Hang on.....It will get better. If I am guessing correctly, you and Sarah have more moxie in the two of you than all the rest of us combined.
I am just an hour from you. Feel free to consider a little time out of the area, but close enough for just a day's break. Sit by the river, drink some wine, plan your next step.
Just send me a note and I will take it from there. Serious here.

We all love you....and we don't love junk.

Amy said...

Change can soemtimes feel like the hardest thing to bear. Keep your head up and I hope things get better in the upcoming days and weeks.

Dan Kent said...

You have had the courage in a dark time not only to post but to create an artful, sensitive description of where you are and where you are going. That says everything about how you will fare.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Goodness gracious... much love to you...

Pat said...

Dear dear Pearl- just remember that this too will pass. My fondest thoughts are with you. Take heart love.

Hookin It With Mr. Lick Lick said...

So sorry you're hitting a rough spot in the road of life right now. Chin up, eyes forward...a better life awaits. You just have to get past the spot and not look back. (I'm the pot calling the kettle black but it sounds good in theory!) I'm rootin' for ya! xxxx

Lola Rouge ...the mom said...

Hate that I'm late.....but here goes. Feel better is easy to type not easy to do. Moving in any way (careful I'm getting deep here lol) is an uncomfortable thing, I know because I haven't unpacked yet. The only thing i hate worse than bad days....is when YOU have em. You are my smile sumtimes Pearlie feel better and happy moving! Forward only! x's and o's doll face Lola

Amy said...

A wise person once told me about the balance in life; good and bad always balance out. Here's hoping your good comes along mighty quickly.
And hey, look at all the roommates you are bringing along with you!
It may be of little consolation, but even in pain you write more beautifully than any I've read! You are truly a gem!

ThreeOldKeys said...

Hey P - I had to backtrack to this post, as I've been away for awhile.

I feel obliged to offer my own nugget of wisdom:

You may not realize this, but sushi is RAW FISH and OTHER NASTY SEACREATURE CHUNKS .....

savannah said...

i've been remiss and realized i'd missed something important in my pal's life (that would be you, sugar)! i can only add the same sentiments expressed by so many before me...hang in there, sweetpea. y'all ain't alone and we all love YOU! xoxoxoxo

Kelly Louise said...

Hugging is a talent I picked up at the charm farm. I didn't get the huggable gene from my huggable family but I thought those crazy women who trained flight attendants might not keep me around if I didn't adhere to societal norms.
Sooo, Pearl, want a hug?

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Pearl, I've been thinking of you ever since you wrote this, and today I am surprised to note that I don't seem to have commented at the time. Then and now, I wish you only the best.