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Sunday, May 20, 2012

If I Could Just Get Your Signature Here, Here, and Here...

So I was sitting at work the other day, simultaneously arranging for travel, formatting a document I had moved from Word to Excel, and knitting myself an afghan (not an Afghani – and ooh, boy, if you’ve ever made that mistake you know why I double-check those directions now!) when I realized that the whole world depends on me.

Hard to believe, isn’t it? The whole world!

And yet there it is. For some reason, I – and you and you and you, it seems – have drawn the short straws here and will be required to toil until just moments before our deaths.

Now how in the wide, wide world of sports do you suppose that happened?

Was it because of Senior Skip Day, all those years ago? My mom said nothing good would come of it. Is this what she meant?

Was it because I laughed – hysterically, true, but I laughed – at a relative’s funeral? I didn’t want to! I bit the inside of my mouth until it bled, but I couldn’t stop; and worse yet, it caused my sister to join in. We hung our heads, hoping our jerking shoulders would lead those around us to believe we were sobbing, but it didn’t fool our aunt, who turned around and whispered, smiling, “I know what you’re doing”, which led us to both laugh and burn with shame at the same time.

Was it because I ate the recommended limit of sugar-free dark chocolates the other day, risking a testing of the sugar-free-chocolate-as-laxative theory I’ve been hearing so much about lately?

For whatever reason, the weight of the world is upon my freckled shoulders again.

So is there anything I can get you, while I’m up? I’ve got India on hold with questions on Outlook, Wisconsin is drunk and threatening to come over with laundry – and you just know we’ll be up all night – and some guy in Texas wants to fight because he thinks I took his coat but he didn’t even have a coat when he came in, so I don’t know what he’s talking about…

Sigh.

39 comments:

Susan in the Boonies said...

I, too, have a terrible habit of finding something funny at the most inappropriate moments.

But I just don't know what you're going to do about Texas. Or Wisconsin.

Maybe some cheese from Wisconsin will pacify whatever Texas' beef is?

I just. don't. know.

But the weight of the world is NOT on your shoulders, babe, because no matter how much it may seem like it: you are not alone.

You are loved, and cherished.

Despite Senior Skip Day. And your unwise habits in relation to sugar free chocolate. (blech)

esbboston said...

I told someone yesterday, I believe it was the lady who sold me the slice of sub standard pizza at the truckstop, that she would probably have to keep working at least three days after she died, and that the Federal Government would stiLL be withholding to cover her Social Security benefits. She enjoyed this based on the level of her giggles. When I got back in my vehicle I noticed that the slogan on the pizza sign didn't emphasize that they had great pizza, but it ended with " ... Pizza People", so I guess thats true, they have great employees.

R. Jacob said...

shame on you sugar free and chocolate should not show up in the same sentence.

your shoulders are too slender to carry the weight of the world.

work until you die? we have the same retirement plan!

and finally
freckles? I knew that...

esbboston said...

It was a Noble Roman's Pizza place. "The Better Pizza People"

NotesFromAbroad said...

ha ! I have freckles on my knees.

Well ... what can I say ... you work in a different world than I ever did and it all sounds so ... so ... furrin.
I think you should quit your job and write a book.
yeah !
(after you find a benefactor)

That gentleman's lady said...

Why do I picture you trying to knit an Afghani now? I even have a particular one in mind.....

Pearl said...

Knitting Afghanis gets you in terrible trouble, particularly among the Afghanis.

And yes. I need to quit my job and find a benefactor.

Hmmm. Where does one go for one of those anyway?

Perhaps I'll have to knit one.

Sioux said...

Pearl--Check out my blog today. There's a call for submissions that you might be interested in (as you read through the 142 comments to your posts every day, and open the gifts you get from your followers every day, and update the number of new followers on an hourly basis) ;)

Chocolate without sugar? WTF and what's the point?

Beth said...

LOL!! This was a fun post. Let me see what I would like. Oh, I know, an all expense paid trip to Ireland, Scotland and England. Can you manage that??

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I am becoming a follower. I would love it if you would reciprocate. :-)

middle child said...

Well there is something you haven't taken care of yet. I have been checking my mail box regularly and as of yet, I still haven't recieved my letter of motivation. Will it be coming soon?

EM Illustrator said...

Great post! Thank you for visiting my blog earlier.
Have a great day!

Em

jenny_o said...

Oh, the inappropriate laughing is so embarrassing, isn't it! Sometimes it's because laughter and tears aren't all that far apart, and sometimes it's just because we shouldn't, and wouldn't it be awful if we did, and oh no here come the giggles ...

Ms Sparrow said...

You are a master of multi-tasking and the world needs people like you. Buck up, gal! And, by the way, the thing about sugar-free chocolate in true!

ThreeOldKeys said...

An afghan (or Afghani) is heavy. Are you sure the weight of the world isn't on your lap?

And yes, I am knitting my brows as I type.

savannah said...

sweet mary sunshine, wtf is going on? i am lost, sugar. but then again, maybe it's because i don't work in cubeland anymore. or maybe because i'm still stuck on your "sugar free chocolate as laxative theory". . .*sigh* xoxoxoxox

(i can't handle stuff like this on a grey, wet, dismal sunday afternoon.)

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I just want to be a kept man.
That's not too much to ask is it?

Ian Lidster said...

Shades of Mary at the funeral of Chuckles the Clown. Any coincidence that you're in the same town? Is it infectious?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Chocolate without sugar, coffee without caffeine, work without retirement....what IS the world coming to and where do I get off?

Happy Frog and I said...

I'm trying not to think about retiring as I'm not convinced the goalposts will ever stop moving. However while there is ice cream, full fat chocolate and cake I think I'll be able to cope. :)

Macy said...

Sigh No one's actually broken the news to me personally, but I have had a dawning realisation that I'll be working as long as medical science can keep me breathing.

Which makes me wish I'd picked a more interesting line of work all those years ago....

Jinksy said...

Life is funny - so why stop laughing for death? LOL ♥

vanilla said...

Well, he thinks he had a coat when he came in, and that is the same difference.

sage said...

I hope people laugh at my funeral. Pearl, you can even write a blog about it if they still have blogging 50 years from now.

Eva Gallant said...

I think it might be dangerous to hold the weight of the world on freckled shoulders!

By the way, my freckles are now age spots....prepare!

Linda O'Connell said...

You are a highlight in my day. My daughter and I were touring a winery and got the giggles and couldn't stop snorting and crying and laughing. The entire tour group thought we were drunk, and we hadn't sampled anything.

Leenie said...

Good to know the world is on such good, freckled shoulders. Your problem is you do TOO good a job.

I'm with Sage. Laugh at my funeral--in another forty years--or tomorrow when that spud truck with my name on it finally catches up with me and my bike on that hill.

Gigi said...

The weight of the word can't possibly rest on your shoulders, because CLEARLY it is resting on mine!

Cheryl said...

Oh, Pearl. When you started laughing during the funeral, did you pee in your pants, too? My friend Sharon and I have to draw straws for which one of us go to funerals. Otherwise, there's no stopping the laughing once it gets started. If I go first, I hope she's there so she can usher me into heaven with her uproarious laughter! Would you like to come, too?

HermanTurnip said...

It was because of that one time at the place with the thing. You know what I'm talking about. Karma never forgets... ;-)

Diane said...

First, If I give you some steel wool, will you knit me a Volkswagon? Second, Sad to say, but giggles in church are a trademark with me.
And third, Tell Texas to help Wisconsin with laundry. I'm sure there's a jacket in there somewhere. And while they're up all night, they can be listening to your 'hold' music from India. Problems solved.

Vicus Scurra said...

Whatever are you doing messing with Wisconsin, India and Texas when it is perfectly clear that Slovakia needs prioritising.
People like you should never be left in charge. I would offer to help, but I have some important television programmes to watch.
So, get on over to Bratislava, young lady, and when you've done there, Senegal would be next on the list.

Shrinky said...

Even propping the entire world up on your shoulders, you still manage to wittily amuse, thoroughly entertain and completely astound us, you are the epitamy of the multi-tasker,aren't you?

I want some of that wool you're knitting with..

NellieVaughn said...

There's always so much pressure that I feel I may be getting smaller, but someday that will all change. I am planning on running away to a strange land, filled with faeries and...yeah, I don't have the energy to pretend right now.

Tempo said...

We all know a certain brand of potato chips that are known to give you a good clean out if you eat too many but here in OZ we have a brand of mouth freshener mints that are sugar free and well known to have that effect. Recently a friend scoffed a whole box of my mints then started on the next box...was it wrong of me to say nothing until the second box was nearly gone? (and YES she spent half the night on the can)

Dawn in D.C. said...

Do housewives get Social Security? And at what age can we retire?

Freckles! That's what they are. Certainly not liver spots. Whew!

Hannah Denski said...

Oh how you remind me of myself at work - loyal, efficient, dedicated and secretly run the world! :D

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I just spent 2.5 blissful days without cell phone service. No one could get a hold of me, and it was wonderful. And you know what? They all survived, somehow, without me. Imagine that!

Suldog said...

You have freckled shoulders? So do I! Let's run away together!

No, wait, I'm married, last time I checked, anyway. And happily so, as I remember. Darn. Nevermind.

Pat Tillett said...

I see a Nobel Peace Prize in your future! If only you can find the time to accept it...