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Thursday, May 17, 2012

I Assume She Was Using the Royal “We”

Sometimes, the things my friends say make me pull out my book and write them down.  This was one of those times.



Ring-ring!  Ring-ring!

“Good morning, Acme Gravel and Grommets, Pearl speaking.”

“Yes, I’d like to order four gravels and a grommet, please.”

I hiss at Mary in a mock display of anger:  “I told you to never call me here.”

“Yeah, well,” she says, “You keep answering, this sort of thing will happen.”

“Hmm,” I say, pretending to write it down.  “Stop answering phone during day.

In the background come the sounds of birds, the crunching of feet on a path.

“Walkin’ T-Bone?”

“Yeah. Dang dog makes me walk him.”

“He’s a terrible animal.”

She laughs.  “He is, isn’t he?”  In my mind’s eye, I see her bend over, ruffle the hair around the dog’s neck in a maneuver she calls “givin’ T the business”.  “Who’s a terrible animal?  Huh?  Who’s a big terrible animal?”

It’s safe to assume that T-Bone agrees, repeatedly, with his master in his overall terrible-ness.

“And what are you doing this morning??”

“Oh, you know,” I say, “the usual work-ly things.  I have a report that –“

“Holy Hannah,” Mary interjects.  “I have to let you go.  I think we're pooping in someone’s yard.”

And we both laugh.  “Hey!” I say, “we don’t talk like that!”

“You know what I mean,” she says, her smile audible.  “Have a good day, Pearl!”

“You, too, Mary.”

Click.

41 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

WE need to stop doing that. It doesn't go over well with the neighbours. I guess that's the "terrible" part.

Pearl said...

Either that or we need to start carrying more plastic bags with us.

SherilinR said...

i hate it when we poop in a yard. though peeing is less problematic.

fmcgmccllc said...

Neighbor pooping is fraught with danger, even if you pick it they glare like poop residue is sticking to the grass. My neighbors hate peeing too.

Shelly said...

I'd like to think Queen Elizabeth is always prepared when she walks her herd of corgis for those we pooping times...

Pearl said...

Since when did we become so uptight about pooping in our neighbors' yards?! :-) HA!

Pearl said...

Shelly, that's a nice little twist. :-)

Hannah Denski said...

What a catch! I need to start doing that myself more often... catching the real stuff as it comes out! x

Pearl said...

Hannah, you're referring to writing it down in a book, yes? not the poop? :-)

R. Jacob said...

writing it down? where is a camera when you need it? Though I suppose T Bone couldn't take a picture anyway, no thumbs and all...

Hannah Denski said...

: D ahem, yeah, the words opposed to poo... why I don't have dog!? :)

Vicus Scurra said...

Shelly, I hope that you are not gossiping about Liz.
She has an underfootman whose job it is to collect the crap and take it straight round to the British museum for the jubilee exhibition.
She also has an under-underfootman whose job it is to carry the royal swan, which is used to wipe the backsides of the dogs, and, occasionally, Philip.

Vicus Scurra said...

P.S. Can you arrange for Mary to call me at work?

Pearl said...

R., oh, if only, huh?!

Hannah, :-) That's what I thought.

Vicus Scurra, I rarely do this, but I burst out laughing and then laughed until tears ran down my face. Had to put my forehead on my desk while Female Intern looks on in concern. I've been under a lot of stress lately, and your comments really got to me. YOU, sir, I would like to have a drink with.
Wait'll Mary gets a load of this one... :-)

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Thank you for the wonderful comment in my blog!! May I follow your blog? Feel free to follow mine as well if you wish. Have a wonderful day :-)

R. Jacob said...

sulking in corner with two drinks at the ready and an empty chair...

esbboston said...

Its a sad day, I knew that it (might) eventuaLLy come, but I have been foLLowing you long enough that (sniffle) enough new people have started foLLowing you, so that I am no longer in your Gang Of 76 at the top of your blog. I feel I must now go drown my sorrows at the bar, with the usual instrument of slow death, The GriLLed Chicken Sandwich with Bacon. What did Redd Foxx always say on Sanford and Son, "I'm coming Elizabeth(?)"

vanilla said...

Mary's walkin', you are working, and "we" are having a great time!

ThreeOldKeys said...

We Are Amused.

Laraine Eddington said...

I refuse to believe in dog poop because I'm an optimist.

fishducky said...

You wouldn't believe the screaming & yelling I get when I leave poop on my neighbor's lawn! I wonder if he'd act that way if I had a dog.....

Susan in the Boonies said...

T-Bone is totally worthy of a royal "we".

Also worthy of a royal "wee" from time to time. As long as he's taking a royal "dump", he might as well have a royal "wee".

(In somebody's yard. I hate when that happens. I ESPECIALLY hate when I get caught when that happens.)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Pearl, dear, speaking of doggies, did you see my post about Deacon D. Dawg a couple of days ago? He seems determined to break my heart these days.

Leenie said...

Still laughing at Viscus Scurra's comment.

Belle said...

I like the old days when dogs ran free and pooped anywhere they felt like it. But, I'm old-fashioned and also weird.

Douglas said...

First I would like to mention to Shelly that Her Royal Majesty has servants along to deal with such things. In fact, she likely has servants who walk those corgis. And silk lined baggies.

And, Pearl, you should follow Mary's advice about not answering phones. Especially if it is in your job description.

After all, I worked for a large communications company and we never engaged in that ourselves.

Shelly said...

Thanks to the hilarious Vicus Scurra and Douglas, I feel thoroughly schooled in the Queen's pooping habits as well as Prince Phillip's.

(I'd never previously dreamed of a situation in which I'd get to use Queen, Prince Phillip, and pooping all in the same sentence.)

jenny_o said...

We poop in the litter box here :)

Sharon Longworth said...

I have no poop stories, and can only comment that the queen has no bottom - so what would she know....

The Jules said...

In England we don't poop, we poo.

In our neighbours' yards.

Ms Sparrow said...

Hey, I appreciate the offer of the defunct bowling ball in your back yard. Unfortunately, I have no back yard, just the condo common area between buildings. And they have rules about stuff like that. Thanks anyway!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Not only are you one of the funniest bloggers around, you also inspire some of the funniest comments. Always a treat to read through them. We definitely ARE amused.

Ian Lidster said...

I do hope Mary was referring to the dog and not herself re the pooping.

Eva Gallant said...

I suspect a terrible dog would drop a terrible poop!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

The sister was making me jog home after dark, a three km. run. I felt the need and couldn't jiggle, let alone run. THere was nothing for it, but to squat in the shade of the big yew tree in the nearest front yard. Yes, we got away unspotted, but guilty. Pooping...now that's a different story.
Rosemary (Name withheld to protect the guilty)

Cheryl said...

Just this last week I was wondering if the Queen toots. And if she toos in the forest, does anyone hear her?

I have a friend I talk to just like you do with Mary. What fun to have a friend who "gets" you.

The Elephant's Child said...

Loud smiles from here.

River said...

If I ever have another dog, I'm naming him T-Bone. It's such a wonderful dog name!

Linda O'Connell said...

WE could get busted...the dog can squat and run. Hope you are doing okay.

the walking man said...

We just need to look the other way as we walk faster away! last week I needed poop from my pet moose for the vet. Of course she wouldn't co-operate---until I was a block away from the plastic bags and all i had with me was my coffee cup. Don't worry it was a carry out cup but i sure hated losing that coffee for some shit!

NellieVaughn said...

My dog and I have never pooped in anyone's yard but our own. However, the peeing business, we do everywhere.