I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hey, Man -- I'm Just Glad to be in There Somewhere...


A repost, while I regroup.  The wonderfully sympathetic comments from yesterday made me cry with relief and gratitude.  Life, as they say, may not be long, but it certainly is wide; and I am blessed to have such love in my life.  I will be back very soon, and with just one of the many stories of when Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) was bouncing in the bars...

It’s come to my attention that there are people reading my blog from the bathroom.

So obviously, I’m pleased.

Stephanie (not her real name) admitted this to me at a party Saturday night.

“Don’t read too much into that,” she said, laughing. “I mean, it’s not a habit or anything.” She laughed again.  “I can quit any time I want.”

She can quit any time she wants.

Well of course you can, Steph!

I had never considered “Pearl, Why You Little…” as something that would be read whilst relieving oneself.

Amazing, isn’t it, our modern conveniences? Why, in my day, if you wanted to read in the bathroom you’d have to bring a book!

I was recently at Nami, a lovely sushi restaurant in Minneapolis. My friend Pat and I were meeting for dinner. I arrived early, having walked there from work; and while Pat negotiated the traffic into the city, I sat with my drink and observed the people around me.

There were four other people at four other tables. Two were on Blackberries, two were on their cell phones, and I was taking notes.

At first, all I could see was the isolation. Look at all these people, ignoring each other! Why aren’t we communicating?

And then I sipped my drink and laughed at myself. Silly, silly woman. Why make problems when there aren’t any? After all, it was obvious we were all waiting for someone. In what world would we have all been speaking, anyway? Sitting in the same restaurant for 20 minutes doesn’t imply a relationship, for cryin’ out loud!

I put my notebook away and called Pat.

“Ack!” she yelled. “Where am I? Help! My GPS keeps telling me to go the wrong way on a one-way!”

We talked until she found the right intersection, and I tucked my phone away as she parked her car.

Modern conveniences: whether it means there’s someone with you in the bathroom making you laugh or sitting next to you in the car saying "you see that building with all the windows? don't turn there!", you gotta admit it's better than nothing.

42 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

"Someone with you in the bathroom making you laugh". What kind of world do you live in, young lady? I think a couple of weeks in North Carolina would put you back on the straight and narrow.

Susan in the Boonies said...

But if they're reading you on the toilet, because you're such a congenial companion, and they accidentally drop you in, they may curse your name. Sorta like your teacher who made you sit at the table next to her.

Many, many people, apparently, love to have you near.

Love you, Pearl.

It's a new day.

I'm saying a prayer for you this morning.

Simply Suthern said...

Yea, but do they have to make all those dang bathroom noises?

Pearl said...

VS, oh,to have such time -- or such money! -- to take several weeks off. Honestly, it may come to that, perhaps even unpaid. The world is a loosely gathered pleating of events, and who knows where I'll find myself?

Susan, I love how you think. And I love you. You've been a kind and trustworthy friend, and I'll take your prayer and see you a big, firm squeeze. And a margarita, 'cause I just know you know how to make one...

Pearl said...

Simply, those noises? Laughter, I'm sure. :-) Laughter and, hopefully, the fan...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

It's a world of disconnected connectedness in which our thumbs are becoming muscular and our vocabularies limited to things like lol and rothlmao ... which I hope isn't happening in the bathroom.
Holding good thoughts for you Pearlie Girl...Hey...if you need a break come to Canada. We'll put you up over here.

Symdaddy said...

The amount of times I've pee'd on the bathroom floor whilst reading "Pearl, why you ..." ...


... my wife wants to build an Ark!

Buttons said...

You make me laugh you have this great ability to do that so well for so many. I hope you are laughing at yourself. PS I am not reading you in the bathroom:) I would be afraid of a dropping you and you would drown:( B

Pearl said...

Delores, I've gotten offers from all over the world, and it's so wonderful! I would love to see where you live. Am thinking of quitting my job and traveling the world, working as a waitress and in temp jobs. Is it too late to find myself??

Symdaddy, and for some reason, this makes me happy. :-)

Buttons, :-) I'm glad you are thinking of me and my health. And thank you -- I'm glad I make people laugh. I've only recently realized that it makes the world a lighter place, and I've only ever wanted to do that.)

Shelly said...

I'll never forget the first time I heard talking...TALKING! from someone who was inside a restroom stall. I even checked to see if there were only two feet in there at the bottom. There were. It took me a bit to realize she was talking on her phone while in...there.

Modern conveniences sometimes take us places we just shouldn't be going.

Leenie said...

Reading Pearl or an e-book is so much better than that shampoo bottle--or the graffiti on the stall wall. SO MUCH BETTER.

Pearl said...

Shelly, remember when the guy walking down the street talking to himself was a nut and not someone having a telephone conversation on his Bluetooth?!

Leenie, :-) And I have fewer sulphates.

Daisy said...

Western Canada! Western Canada!
Come for our city centennial and eat salmon, and drink micro brewed beer! You can even bring Ms Lisa and Ms Dolly...I like cats.

Steve Bailey said...

Hey I am all for technology!! If someone wants to read my blog on the toilet I have no problem with it either.

Steve
This message sent during proctology appointment

vanilla said...

"The world is a loosely gathered pleating of events..." Oh, Pearl, if only I could gather such imagery and weave it into my writing. You are amazing.

Stella said...

You made me laugh today Pearl, thanks for that. x

Belle said...

It is weird hearing someone walking down the street talking into their Bluetooth. Be well, my friend.

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

I don't think it's ever too late to launch a search for yourself, Pearl, however you choose to do it. Your current level of distress may well be a signal that some kind of seismic change is needed or, perhaps, inevitable. My thoughts are with you!

Lynn said...

Well Pearl - I wish I had been at that restaurant to chat with you. I also have the same impulse, sometimes. :)

bill lisleman said...

technology is an amazing thing and what it means today will be different tomorrow.
People can talk, predict and write about tomorrow, but only Annie could sing it. You Pearl are one who is great at joking about it.

Eva Gallant said...

I constantly wish I had found your blog before I took my cross country trip 3 years ago; I would so loved to have a drink with you and Liza Bean Bitey at Psycho Suzie's. I loved the pizza, but your company would have made it better!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Pearl, I somehow missed your post yesterday and so was clueless about your heartache and changes. Crap, crappity crap. Count me among those who love you and send hugs.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I know, I missed yesterdays post too.
So I went back a day and said what I should have said then, and now I will say todays brilliant little bon mot.

Everything happens for a reason, blah blah blah and the best part is it is true and while I am living proof of all kinds of fabulous things happening, when it seemed nothing but misery was ahead, I know you have to go through all the stages of loss before you can enjoy starting over.

Come to Argentina if you really want to turn your world upside down.
love you. C

Gigi said...

Oh Miss Pearl! If you plan on travelling the world please don't forget North Carolina....we REALLY need a Pearl here.

Linda O'Connell said...

As long as they aren't skyping you in the john :)

chlost said...

It is a bit disconcerting to hear a chuckle or two as my stall neighbor reads your blog. But that beats some of the other sounds.

And let me say it again....I'm serious. Just let me know and you have a day away. No questions, no pressure, no problem.

Janice said...

I was at a local restaurant with my friend recently and the couple across from us looked young enough to be on a first date. Neither of them ever spoke a word to each other, they both ordered and ate their food and neither ever looked up from their cell phones. I was gobsmacked. The guy paid the bill and they left. I did wonder to myself if maybe they were texting each other...who knows.
Sending you (((HUGS)))...and it's NEVER too late to start on your self discovery journey. God speed!

Joanne said...

I still don't know what to say except go for it and you can find it. After a weekend of wine.

The Elephant's Child said...

Snickering. Still sending love and support.

Crack You Whip said...

I think when you have made it to bathroom material, that means you have made it. You are right there with National Geographic and Time Magazine.

I hope to be just like you one day!

Bodaciousboomer said...

Hiya Pearl. Sorry you've been so down. Is it still gray and funky up there? You're always welcome down here where's it already summertime.

Feel better.

Joanna Jenkins said...

A million hugs are being sent to you from California.
xoxox jj

Sioux said...

Pearl--What in the world is going on with you? As much laughter as you bring us, we owe you a huge debt. We owe you many chuckles, titters, guffaws and so much more.

All you have to do is ask...

Crystal Pistol said...

It is never too late to find yourself, my friend. :)

Incidently, I still take books to the pot. What if my electronic gadget fell IN? The horror of being without it for more than a moment is too much to bare. :)

Pat said...

I've missed a day or two - now I'm worried and must go back to check all is well. Take care.xox

NellieVaughn said...

I could never take a computer into the bathroom. Ever since my brother told me that it is possible for a person to hack into someone's computer and control their webcam, I've been a bit paranoid. No one wants to see me emptying my bladder.

jenny_o said...

I never read you in the loo, I read you only while I should be working, Scout's honour, and by working I mean housework, not my real job :)

Thinking of you and wishing you peace and lightness of heart.

River said...

I would never read you in my bathroom. You deserve the comfort of the squishy sofa in the living room, with a hot chocolate nearby.

mapstew said...

It's never too late to find oneself, I'm still looking! Many, many hugs! :¬)

xxx

sage said...

The problem with electronic bathroom reading is that you have no backup for when the paper's gone. "What's that brown stuff on your smart phone?" Eww, I can't believe I wrote that.

the walking man said...

I don't even bother to go to the bathroom when reading Pearl, I have a bunch of the plastic jugs left over from my many hospital stays.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I 've never read your posts in the bathroom. That's my story and I'm stickin to it!
I heart the email,the phones , the Facebook. Without them, I would not know my Pearl!
:)