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Saturday, May 5, 2012

Because Sharing is Caring


“So what’s this between you and Russell Brand?”

“Why?  Did he ask you about me?  What did he say?”

Mary laughs, moves the phone from one ear to another.  “Your post the other day.  You mentioned his name.  You know he’s mine, right?”

“What, is this one of those “Hall Pass” deals?”

“Pfff,” Mary hisses.  “Everyone knows he prefers redheads.  If he – for whatever reason! – shows up at my door, he’s mine.”

“We could share him,” I offer.  “Not my thing, but what are the odds?”

There is silence.

“This is acceptable to me.”

“You have no idea how many sit-ups I’m going to have to do to get in shape for this,” I say.

“Do we have to be naked?”

“We could get matching outfits,” I say.

“I’m thinking,” she says, “that matching Spanx and those sequined tube tops would be fetching.”

“Do you think we could sew sequins on to the Spanx?”

“I’m thinking we’ll have to.  The shimmer will redirect the eye.”  She pauses.  “He doesn’t drink anymore, does he?”

“No,” I say.  “But we’re definitely going to need something to take the edge off the evening.  What do you think of Nyquil?”

“Hmmm.  Sedatives.  I like it.  Go on.”

“Strategically placed doves?”

“A fog machine!”

“How hard is it to get your hands on those eye drops that dilate the pupils?”

“I know a guy that knows a guy,” Mary says.

“This is starting to sound like work.”

“Hmm,” she says. 

“I’ll tell you what.  You’re my friend: you can have him.”

“Thanks, Pearl.”

“But if he asks about me – “

“I’ll tell him you’re a heckuva gal.”

“That’s all I ask.”

39 comments:

esbboston said...

One!
Won!
1 !!!

Leenie said...

Going off somewhere to wash my mind's eyes.

esbboston said...

My favorite was “Strategically placed doves?”

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I guess some guys just aren't worth the effort.

Scarlet Blue said...

Apologies, but I believe he belongs over here :-)
Sx

Pat said...

All I can say is ugh!ugh!ugh!

R. Jacob said...

it is true, girls do think like guys.
sort of...

TexWisGirl said...

drops to dilate the eyes. too funny!

Eva Gallant said...

Man, I wish I'd thought of that eyedrops thing years ago! I'll definitely keep it in mind if George Clooney shows up at my door. You have nothing to fear from me where Russell Brand is concerned, however. Not my type. I am impressed that you and Mary were willing to share, however.

StephanieC said...

The doves win it.

Also? Eeeeeew, Russell Brand.

NYEMT said...

Who??

Sigh...back to Google. Whatever. :)

SherilinR said...

i think you girls need to work up a timeshare situation so you could make it work with russell. then there's no need for spangly spanx and trick lighting.

Joanne said...

I had to google. In my day we would have called him a hunk. Or, to quote my mother-in-law, he could put his shoes under her bed any time.

Douglas said...

I see, long-haired bearded guys... I have a beard and I used to have long hair... down past my shoulder blades actually...

Is it okay if the hair is gray? Or white?

Nessa Roo said...

Last time he was over here, I put a good word in for both of you.
You are welcome.

mary i said...

Alabama gets him first, then I "might" share....

Belle said...

I'm so out of the loop I had to look up his name. Ah yes, that guy. I think I'd give him to my friend too.

Steve Bailey said...

sequined spanx = million dollar idea!

Joanne said...

Well, I had to look him up. Back in my day, what a hunk. But, my mother-in-law would have said he could put his shoes under her bed any time.

Ms Sparrow said...

Admittedly he's cute and funny and has an English accent, but isn't he getting a little "long in the tooth"?

mary i said...

Have to add "eat crackers in my bed any time" :)

Katie said...

What IS it about Russell Brand? *rawr*

esbboston said...

Are you sure title for this blog post wasn't "Because Sharing Is Scaring" ?

Juli said...

"I know a guy who knows a guy"

WAIT! How do you know MY guy? MY guy told me that I was the only one he would get those drops for.

Damn.

Now I need a guy who knows a different guy...

Simply Suthern said...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

jenny_o said...

You did the smart thing, and now Mary owes you one too. Clever!

Symdaddy said...

Russell Brand? Really?

Now I am going to have to seriously reconsider our relationship Pearlchen.

I mean ... Russell Brand?

Joyful Things said...

I would put the pupil dilating drops in MY eyes!

Hannah Denski said...

I hear echo in my head - Russell Brand??! I don't see it, really!? Think you'd need more then dilating drops! :D

Super fun read, really, but Russell fucking Brand? ahahahaha ; )

Gigi said...

A sign of true friendship....when you are willing to share your "true love."

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

So now you have been told you can have him I bet you don't want him.......lol

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, she must have gotten that idea conspiring with Lisa Bean Bitey. Devious forces at work, she's using Mary to test your resolve to stay virginal, that's it. ":))

The Elephant's Child said...

Way too much work. You would probably have to wear high heels as well.

NellieVaughn said...

He liked the redheads, does he? Well, I never thought about fooling around with a skinny man, but I do have red hair now. Maybe you can feed him for me, and when he gains fifty pounds, give him my number.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Yes, yes, a fog machine, that's the ticket.

Linda O'Connell said...

The giggle built into an uproarious laugh. Thanks for another pearl.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I personally prefer to require all my conquests to sport Where's Waldo glasses that have had their lenses smeared with Vaseline.

I look better in soft focus.

Daisy said...

Who???
Sounds like a lot of work, whoever he is! I'd also let Mary have him.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Since my sweet late pup was better looking than Russell Brand, I think you got the better half of this deal, Pearl.
I see you with someone a bit more .... sophisticated .. or at least someone who doesn't eat with his hands.

besitos. C