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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Those Are Some Very Nice Appliances You Have There, Mary


Ring!  Ring!

“Good mor – Good afternoon, Acme Grommets and Gravel. Pearl speaking.”

“I’m like a rich person over here,” Mary says.

“You buyin’ the name-brand tuna again?”

She chuckles indulgently.  “Oh, Pearl, Pearl, Pearl.  So droll.”  There is the sound of her opening then closing the lid of a large appliance.

“Do you hear that?” she says.  “That, my friend, is the sound of a washer machine.  And this – “ the lid of another large appliance is opened and then closed.  “ – is the sound of the dryer.”

A smile leaves her lips, bounces off a satellite, and hits me in the ear.  “Like I said,” she grins, “I’m like a rich person over here.”

“No more running to the laundromat,” I say. “It’s the end of an era.”

“It’s the end of a backache, more like,” she says.

“Would you like to describe them to me?  Because I would like to hear them described.”

“Well,” she chuckles, “they’re white.  And one of them washes, and the other dries.  Hmmm.”  She pauses.  “That’s it, I think.”

“That’s all you need.”

There is silence as we each nod.  We know we are nodding.

“Mary,” I say.

“Hmmm?”  She’s staring at her new washer and dryer.  I just know it.

“You’re staring at it, aren’t you?  Lovingly.”

“Am not.”

“Mary,” I say, reproachingly.  “We got a thing that’s called Radar Love.”

“What?” she says, laughing.  “What’s this now?”

I laugh, refuse to answer.

“Pearl,” she says.  “Pearl!”

“What?”

“I bin driving all night, my hands wet on the wheel…”

“We mock what we don’t understand,” I say, in a mock-hurt voice.  “Scoff at my love for you, but I know that you are standing in front of your washer and dryer, running your tiny little freckled hands over their lids, aren’t you?”

A smile is muffled.  “No, I’m not.”

“And you just stopped.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I’ll let you get back to that.”

“Weirdo.”

“Appliance-based pervert.”

Click.

26 comments:

Silliyak said...

She could (or maybe already has) join the Church of Appliantology! (Frank Zappa-Joe's Garage reference)

vanilla said...

New appliances! What's not to love?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

She'll probably take her lunch in to the laundry room so she can look at them while she eats. No, I've never done that myself!! yes I have

Chantel said...

As if you haven't ever sat on the washer to do your homework in collge and specifically enjoyed the spin cycle! Pashaw!

Joyful Things said...

I think you knew exactly what she was doing as you have lived that moment, that beautiful wonderful moment of new appliances, yourself. I think if questioned 'a new washer or sex?' I would hesitate ever so slightly.

bill lisleman said...

Chantel had the same thought about sitting on a spin cycle. This appliance affection has me wondering if in the future a mixed marriage will be human and machine.

SparkleFarkle said...

To me, the best part of getting large appliances is the forts you get to make out of the GIANT boxes! Come to think of it, they'd make for nice mancaves. I wish I had one now. And a padlock whose key you could throw away, once you secured it to a cardboard hut. Yep, I know a certain someone I'd like to send packing... OOPS! SORRY. I drifted. Please send my best to Mary. I'm happy for her!

SparkleFarkle said...

P.S. Um...might you ask Mary if she could free up one of those boxes? I could come by this aft, if it's not too much trouble. Thanks!

esbboston said...

I am not sure what our most recent appliance is, because the new refrigerator came to the house 'bout the same time as the wifey bought a pressure cooker for downtown. They cook there aLL the time. (eXcuse me for just a second while I let the Cooper back in from outside, aLL the neighborhood dogs are making a racket, probably just people mowing). But if you wanna talk 'bout fun toys I just recently got a vacuum pump and a nitrogen cylinder so I could do HVAC instaLLations. I did find out that I am a very poor copper tubing brazer, based on the amount of rework and number times I burned myself. But I can stiLL play the piano, so there is stiLL some hope for me.

terlee said...

I don't much care about my W/D--though I'm glad to see their shiny-white little faces whenever I'm in the laundry room.

No, my adoration is solely for my new fridge. My tall, handsome, strong, manly fridge, with that wonderfully deep freezer drawer. Ah, love him...er...it.

SherilinR said...

washers and dryers are the best! when i was getting engaged 15 yrs ago, i asked my boyfriend/fiance/husband to buy me a washer and dryer rather than an engagement ring. seemed more practical and joy-making.

Eva Gallant said...

You two know each other so well! lol

jenny_o said...

I don't think there's a woman alive who wouldn't love a new washer and dryer. Even if all they do is wash and dry, and even if they are plain white.

Especially if you've had them and lost them and had to go to the laundromat.

TexWisGirl said...

ha ha! but, oh the joy...

fishducky said...

To JOYFUL THINGS--"I think if questioned 'a new washer or sex?' I would hesitate ever so slightly." I assume you meant to end this "...before choosing the washer."

That Janie Girl said...

She'll be smiling with every pile of laundry!!

Susan in the Boonies said...

You know, I think about how great it would be to be able to choose the appliances of my dreams.

Would THAT be the thing that brings me the joy that eludes my grasp?

I may never know...

Missed Periods said...

While she and her washer and dryer are in their honeymoon period, I bet you could get her to do your laundry too!

Jono said...

So, I am reading this and I hear my own washer go into a spin cycle! Coincidence?
No more speed I'm almost there
Gotta keep cool now, gotta take care.

Happy Frog and I said...

I have dishwasher envy so bad as I've never had one and probably never will. I had a tumble dryer once when I was renting but no more.

The Elephant's Child said...

I remember (with a lot of love) our first washing machine. We swapped a bottle of cognac for a nearly new machine - which lasts a lot longer than the cognac. And gave more pleasure as well.

Sush said...

See this is why I love your blog so! And may I add I have had my fair share of appliance love. Much stronger than new tire love I might add. It's a real love affair those new appliances.
Hugs~

River said...

Over here in Aus we have an appliance called a Hills Hoist. Go ahead and google images of them. They're steel frames with wires stretched between supports and we peg our clothes on them and let the sun do our drying for us. Mnay of us also have dryers, but only use them in the winter when it's pouring with rain.

Simply Suthern said...

We bought a pair of those newfangled W/D sets. We sat and watched the new frontload washer for about 30 min.

Good times.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, funny! --about that weird echo you were hearing when talking to her on her cellphone was when she had her head inside the new appliances to check out the new-appliance smell....something like a new-car smell without seat belts...haha. ":)

NellieVaughn said...

I just purchased a new washing machine, so I understand. You should see it. I'll take pictures of it for you. It's gorgeous. A very quiet beauty, she is.