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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Metalheads Discovered in the Wild. Captive Metalheads Pump Fists in Jubilation.

It's an oldie, but a goodie.  Enjoy.

In a discovery that both shocked and reassured headbangers around the world, metalheads, after being spotted for almost 20 years by only the very drunk, were once again found in the wild.

Lured out of hiding in a park in Berlin by strategically placed and seemingly “abandoned” bottles of Jack Daniels and sleeveless concert t-shirts, scientists hope to learn more about music fans long thought to be extinct in their natural habitat.

Dr. Brian “Brain” Danzig has been on the trail of the elusive “Metalhead” (Music Quisquiliarum) since a vision while listening to the band Overkill at a kegger in the mid-80s disrupted his plans for a career in orthodontia. “This discovery has everyone in academic circles talking. It’s like reeling in a coelacanth!”

“I have a million questions,” says Dr. Danzig. “For example, how are they getting by? That is, where are they working? How many Kinko’s and coffee shops can there be?”

Dr. Bruce “Yes, That’s My Real Name” Lee concurs. “Up until this discovery, we’d only had brief sightings – very, very late at night, you understand – in my garage, and only after certain parties. And now this! To know that they’re out there, really out there – oh, dude!”

And yet while they are, indeed, “out there”, a female has yet to be sighted.

“Where there are males, there are bound to be females,” enthused Dr. D. F. Geschwollenerkopf.

And while that may be true for most cultural subsets, the status of the metalheads has been in serious decline over the past decade, partly due to the very fact that there are so few females among them.

“We’ve found some very small Sepultura t-shirts and an empty bottle of black nail polish, but of course, those could be anybody’s. Until we find an actual female, I’m afraid we’re just speculating,” says Dr. Geschwollenerkopf.

Plans to lure female metalheads into the open with Malibu shooters and Marlboros Lights are underway.

20 comments:

Shelly said...

I actually know one female metalhead, but she stays in hiding in her science classroom. I don't know how much longer she will be safe behind her teacher camoflauge, though~

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Deep Purple all the way (pumps fist) I don't usually come out in daylight but for you and the sake of science...

savannah said...

LMBO! i can't wait for this to be on the discovery channel, sugar! ;~) xoxoxoxo

esbboston said...

Geschwollenerkopf translates as "business"+"woolen"+"head"
So I'm guessing he comes from a long line of serious professionals who look like Art Garfunkel, or half of a bridge over troubled water.

Eva Gallant said...

Where are they, indeed!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

I do all in my power to keep my head on an even keel, to avoid any upset of the tenuous equilibrium that I still have left. For sure metalheads are an endangered species....they are a hazard to themselves.
Rosemary

jenny_o said...

Could never get into that music ("out there" for sure), but I still enjoyed the post! That's the magic of your writing :)

Great comments!

Michelle said...

Ah well, you chose to delete me yet one more time, and so, that's not very RESURRECTION of you.
And it's rather like DEVELE- TEMPLATE, who always complains about me .
Such is " family" in OSIRIS.
Such are
Pedophiles with STARSCON!
And now you " assholes" got even more problems with these blogs and " FUNK EMPIRE"!
Oh yeah, it's about CTUTOM!
That's not a very " nice" blog at EASTER.
Just ask ELSA ETOR, and that'soneof the first times you deleted me...ELSA ETOR.
ELSA ETOR.
ELSA ETOR.
This is METAL HEADS?
This is METAL VIKING HEAD?
This is METTETAL?
ELSA ETOR IS METTETAL?

bill lisleman said...

I think they need a combination of a very deep beat and high pitched whine to mate.
I happen redo a post - new and improved - "I started a blog" parody.
Pearl do you karaoke?

Nessa Roo said...

The problem is that the females look just like the males, but with boobs!

Wanderoke said...

And how is it, the MetalHead "Babes" are so much more attractive than the "Dudes" ?

Perhaps this attractiveness allows them to "pass" in normal suburban habitat?

wanderoke.blogspot.com

W.C.Camp said...

Would I count as a metal head if I wear a sauce pan for a hat? I draw the line at black nail polish though! W.C.C.

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

I read this but you know I can't think of a single thing to write in way of a comment nothing pops into my head nothing at all sorry but I did come and read if that counts for anything.......

NellieVaughn said...

This is so true. I love it. I remember them from the 90s. Walking home from school, I could see them wobbling out of their homes, making their way to the liquor store for beer and smokes. One day, they all vanished.

NellieVaughn said...

This is so true. I love it. I remember them from the 90s. Walking home from school, I could see them wobbling out of their homes, making their way to the liquor store for beer and smokes. One day, they all vanished.

NellieVaughn said...

This is so true. I love it. I remember them from the 90s. Walking home from school, I could see them wobbling out of their homes, making their way to the liquor store for beer and smokes. One day, they all vanished.

Symdaddy said...

I only came for a look because I thought it said "Meatballs" in the title, and I was hungry!

Barbara Blundell said...

Think they could have been in my shed at sometime. Found some pink and black drumsticks hidden at the back

Symdaddy said...

Geschwollener kopf? Got one!

Jenn Jilks said...

How about aluminum foil head?!
Greetings from Cottage Country!