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Friday, April 13, 2012

Liza Bean Bitey is Sincere in Her Desire to Make Amends


You have to wonder about a day that continues to rescue us, a day that heralds an expanse of time we can call our own. 

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Friday, a day in which we ask ourselves, hey! whatever happened to meeting your cousin last night at the piano bar?  (Answer: forgot it was Thursday.  Yikes.)

But this weekend will be different, won’t it?  All the things that we’ve planned to do, from laundry to lunch to laying limp lackadaisically, we’ll get them done, right?

Right?

Let’s consult the iPod, shall we?  Because as I continue to insist, my iPod, set to “shuffle” and played during my Friday-morning commute, knows all, tells some.

Shh.  Let’s listen.

Groove Me by Maximum Balloon
Got the Time by Joe Jackson
Tighten Up by The Bamboos
Gotta Understand by Jurassic 5
Love Rollercoaster by Ohio Players

Ah!  People, we’ve hit a groove pocket.  This weekend?  Everything you wanted to do will get done; and all the things that creep up on you between today and Sunday?  They’ll get done, too.

We now take you to today’s bit of nonsense, already in process…




“Remember that mouse?”

I look up from my writing.  “Mouse?”

“The one on the stairs,” she says.

Ahh.  That mouse.  Well, who forgets a thing like that?  Headless, limbless, it was more of a mouse fragment than an actual mouse, really.

I may have developed a slight fear of the stairs since that evening...

“Yes, I do,” I say.  I return to my writing.

There is silence for several minutes, and then --

“There may be some small deliveries in the near future,” the cat intones.

Startled, I look up from my writing.  “I’m sorry, what’s that?”

“Oh, you know,” she drawls, her gaze fixed on the argumentative sparrows building a nest on the roof next door.  “Small things.  Inexpensive things.”

Small things?  Possibly.  Inexpensive things?

Never.

I close the lid on my laptop.  “Have you been in my purse again?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, smiles in my direction, a disconcertingly dangerous display of tiny, pointy teeth.  “Your purse?” she purrs, an allusion to how infrequently cash makes an appearance in it.

“What about the money I’ve hidden?”

The cat yawns.  “Really,” she murmurs. 

“My cash card?”

Liza Bean, bored, returns to looking at the birds.

“My PayPal account?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small, steady cat, delightfully symmetrical in both her striping and her stance on work ethics (you should have one, she doesn't have the time) becomes just a tad more still.

“Are you serious?” I cry.  “You broke into my PayPal account?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she says, languidly.  “Were you going to use that money?”

I close my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb in and index finger.  “What did you order?”

The sound of the doorbell wafts up the front stairs.  I open my eyes, direct a glare toward the kitty, now adorably winding a moistened paw around and around one ear.

“Would it matter,” she purrs, “if there were gifts for you in the mix?”

I smile.  “There are gifts for me?”

“If it would matter there are,” she says slyly. 

I stand, wearily.  A sigh the size of Iowa escapes me as I head toward the door.

“Pearl!”

I pause at the top of the steps, turn. 

“No purchases from your PayPal account,” she says, the dangerous little smile playing on her lips.  “It’s a pizza.”

The beginnings of a smile play on my lips.  “Remind me to scold you,” I say, running down the steps.

“Ah, yes,” I hear her say behind me.  “I’ll expect that right after the pizza then, shall I?"







* Designates groovy track you may have forgotten about but need to hear today.

33 comments:

Nessa Roo said...

This reminds me of one of my kids.
"Ma, I've been arrested for possession, but I swear it wasn't mine. It belonged to my thirty-year-old pregnant prostitute girlfriend."

"What did you say?"

"Just kidding...but I am flunking Chemistry."

Pearl said...

Nessa, I love that. :-)

Shelly said...

She's a master- oh, how they love to watch the foolishness with which their humans react to their manipulations.

I stepped, barefooted, into the headless, legless offering left at our cat's altar at the back door just two days ago. She purred brightly as I teetered all over the yard.

Brian Miller said...

haha hoping the present is not another mouse fragment...

and by the tunes this may just be a great weekend...

R. Jacob said...

she is toying with you, like a rubber mouse with a garnish!

Pearl said...

Shelly, I know that dance. :-)

Brian, I look forward to the cat's presents, aside from the assassinated ones. She really does have excellent taste.

R., oh, you got that right!

Eva Gallant said...

I hope there were no mouse parts on that pizza!

Pearl said...

Eva, well not that I saw, but now that you mention it...

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Sardine and anchovie pizza?

Symdaddy said...

I have an urge to pay you a visit Pearlchen.

I luuuuuurv pizza!

Oh, by the way, if the Bitey-babe is finished with my Stranglers CD,I would like it back!

Un-chewed!

Saliver free!

For once.

Pearl said...

Delores, sardines are wrong. But anchovies? Mmmm. :-)

Sym, Liza Bean reminds you that the next poker night is at your house.

Pat said...

Its her charm that saves her - every time:)

Pat Tillett said...

She lives to torment you and she's very good at it...
So good and so funny Pearl!

Leenie said...

Always easier to get forgiveness than permission. I'm super excited for this predicted-to-be groovy, tight, rollercoaster weekend.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, hilarious.That cat is getting more devious all the time. Better keep one suspicious eye on her, clearly she has plans for you. ":)

Kerry said...

Perfect Friday the 13th.

TexWisGirl said...

what a thoughtful feline!

jenny_o said...

Be careful - she is not really making amends, rather just trying to disarm you in preparation for the next brouhaha. I'm surprised you fell for the old "pizza" trick :)

Sioux said...

I'd hate to see what she would tip the delivery kid with...

Craver Vii said...

That's a powerful asterisk you wield there. Being the eldest of six, I have an über-obedient predisposition, so I listened to Stevie Wonder before coming here to comment. Fun song... perfect on a Friday!

But back to the matter at hand. How can you look forward to pizza when it was ordered by a cat? It is common knowledge that the selection of toppings can make or break this magical pie. What happened when you opened the box? ...Did you scarf or barf?

Susan in the Boonies said...

Did the pizza have anchovies?

Salmon?

Austan said...

You mention Rollercoaster, which means my adopted niece Phoebe will be here soon. These things are signs, I tell you, signs! Pay attention, everyone!

Daisy said...

I quite love that Ms Liza Bean. She's my kind of gal ... tho I don't think I'd want to live with her!

Belle said...

Hmm, hubby hates it when I use his pay-pal account to buy blogger's books. :(

NellieVaughn said...

I had a cat that would always give me the best presents, and they didn't cost me a thing except embarrassment. You see, she would steal the neighbors things. Worst part is, I never gave them back.

Carletta said...

My kitty Heidi and I enjoyed that immensely!
Thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog. :)

klahanie said...

Hey Pearl,
Yes, it's me, your starstruck fan. Just came over cause I like to be a 'pizza' the action. If I were to tell you that they put corn on pizzas in Britain, would find that hard to believe? Would you find it hard to believe that a lot of folks here use a knife and fork to eat a pizza? I, of course, eat pizza with my fingers. Sorry, that's wrong, I eat them separately...
And, being a time zone thing, I'm typing from Saturday. Welcome to the future..I'm off for a bumpy ride on the local public transport..

mary i said...

That my kitty-girl. I had high hopes for her training.(great writing, you make me laugh every day!)

NotesFromAbroad said...

When we are back in the US, will you direct me to the person who can find me a kitten like Ms Liza Bean ?
Happy Weekend, besos

Murr Brewster said...

I got nothing. I just came over to tell you how much I love you. If I got you a mouse I'd leave both ends on.

tattytiara said...

Pizza! I need to get my cats to read this. I've been working on them for years and can't get them to organize so much as a pot of coffee for me.

River said...

She bought you a pizza!!
Such a sweet kitty.
But keep an eye on your purse anyway, just in case.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I might've thought a PayPal-paid pizza would be a pdf.