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Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Believe The Interns Are Our Future, or Wherein I Willfully Disturb the Intern

Female Intern continues to resist my efforts to crush her.

This does not dissuade me.

I’ve designated large blocks of time – particularly in the post-lunch lull from noon to 5:00 – for this quest.  I think it will look good on my self-appraisal this year.  The ability to strategize should not be taken lightly, and I think my boss will appreciate the choreography needed to squash the heartfelt sincerity of the newly hired.

The next step in my plot to break her spirit?

An introduction to the corporate detritus one collects over a lifetime of full-time work.  I’m going to stack the deck here, with both real and planted items. 

Real and planted. 

There is, after all, no point in letting an allegiance to the facts interfere with good, clean, intern-baiting.

I’ve arranged the contents of my top drawer for maximum effect.  There is, of course, the obligatory mattress-deep collection of Starbucks napkins and hundreds of tiny salt-and-pepper packets.  Any office worker worth their salt, so to speak, will have both of these in sufficient quantity to stanch the blood of a last-minute limb amputation or, alternatively, season/preserve said limb.

That’s just common sense.

But there are other items.  Items of foreboding.  Items of substance.

Items of doom. 

You don’t start out your corporate-like career with a bottle of Women’s One-A-Day in your office drawer.  Oh, noooo.  And when you were hired at, perhaps, the tender age of 19, there was no way to have foreseen the anti-anxiety prescription in your future or the spray can of Odor Eaters that would one day take up valuable desk real estate.

We'll let her find those.

We'll also let her find evidence of my WhiteOut addiction and a copy of my five-year plan to get out of office work and do something meaningful, dated January 1, 1988.

I'll let her find the Gold Bond Medicated Body Lotion that was purchased last winter.  Accidentally. 

With a coupon.

All she needs is a wee shove/phone call from me.

“Say, I know this is kinda last minute, but I’m in the Lake Superior Conference Room and I left a file I need in my top drawer.  Would you be willing to grab it for me?”

I’ll need to make a run to Target, of course.  There’s a package of Depends to buy, perhaps a tin of hard candy.

Oooh, and maybe a pamphlet linking chair width to the eventual size of one’s bottom.

There are just so many details when one works in an office.  

50 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

Pearl, I loved this post! You had me laughing! We all have those drawers! You may want to work up some sort of official looking warrant from the police about the disappearance of an intern from this office about a year ago.... Suspicious causes... Intern last seen sorting through items in desk...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Details indeed!

jenny_o said...

I love it too!! Make those hard candies the lemon ones, will you - it helps with the mouth-pursing :)

Betty's idea is great. Spare no effort when there is a practical joke to be pulled :)

Mandy_Fish said...

While you're getting the Depends, you'd be a fool not to get a tube of Preparation H too.

Pearl said...

Betty, ooh, that's a good idea. :-)

Green Girl, there's just so much to do!

jenny-O, I'd forgotten the power of the falsified warrant. :-)

Mandy_Fish, ahh. See? This is why I come here. :-) Ideas. It's all about ideas.

Shelly said...

I think that once she sees the contents of that detritus drawer, she will never be the same.

I,too, have a shelf in my class closet like that. For some unknown reason, each year we get a box of latex gloves, should a vomiting episode happen. I have never used them because my weak stomach usually has me out the door once a hint of a vomiting episode happens.

Now, though, what to do with 28 boxes of latex gloves accruing dust on the detritus shelf when I retire?

Ms Sparrow said...

Ooooh, you are a wench!

terlee said...

"post-lunch lull from noon to 5:00..." Still laughing at that one. With such a nice block of time, you can do untold (or tell all)damage.

Ach du lieber said...

I want an intern.

Mary said...

That is so funny. Now I feel so sorry for interns though. lol

Pearl said...

Shelly, I see a class project here. Hmm. What to make with all those latex gloves? The mind boggles.

Ms. Sparrow, she agreed to a certain amount of abuse when she took the job offer. :-)

terlee, thank you. :-) That one amused me as well!

Ach du Lieber, college graduates can be had for as little as $10/hour. It's amazing.

Mary, initially I felt bad. :-) No. Wait. That's not true. :-)

L-Kat said...

I LOVED this post! :) So great. As the senior-most grad student, I have a way of terrifying the new graduate students. It doesn't take much: I just tell them I've been a lab-slave for five years. That usually gets them right away.

Symdaddy said...

Hmmmm!

I wouldn't like someone rummaging around in my drawers!

Oh!

Wait!

I forgot. I do let certain folks go a-rummaging ... now and again.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, just leave an old fish sandwich in there, that oughta' do it. Office politics with newbies always includes fishing. ":))

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You're good Pearl...dont forget the stash of Immodium, heart burn remedy and headache reliever. Actually, I'd keep those front and center on my desk along with vitamin C, ecchinacea and a paper mask labelled "epidemic". Post that emergency evacuation information in a prominent position as well along with a list of dates that you needed to use it. Do you have a bomb threat check list? Label your stapler with a "use at your own risk" sign.
There are many many ways to unman an intern.

Roses said...

Obviously, I am taking notes.

It has been noted that I could run a small shop from my desk drawers. I keep everything from emergency chocolate, healthy grain bars and cans of coke, not to mention tissues, kitchen roll, various types of painkillers, multivitamins, antihistamines, stationery and a full set of cutlery.

I am remiss about neglecting personal hygiene items. I will remedy that immediately.

ipenka said...

Oh this was awesome.

As someone who was in the office until 1:00AM last night thanks to a report that was due first thing in the morning, I would have appreciated it.

Had someone only warned me/crushed my spirit early on!

Douglas said...

Makes me want to go back to work... Ok, maybe not.

We didn't have interns in the phone company though we did have "summer hires". We abused them unmercifully in order to persuade them to seek rational employment once they graduated from whatever college they were struggling through. I think we were 100% successful because I never saw any of them again, not even the next summer.

But that bit about having a "detritus drawer"... All of the drawers in my desk qualified for that category.

Laraine Eddington said...

So proud that your April foolery lasts all year long.

fishducky said...

There's a lot to be said for being unemployed!

bill lisleman said...

I did a post on corporate detritus once but failed to use such an enlighten term as you. My post was inspired by your earlier post, "In Lieu of a Raise, Please Accept This Handsome Key Chain".
You are such an inspiration.
http://afcsoac.blogspot.com/2012/01/cheap-pins-dried-up-pens.html

I just watched this and thought of the cat relationships you have.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q34z5dCmC4M

esbboston said...

I am thInkIng that they need to work your character Into the teleBision show "The Office". You are a 'character', right?

Joanne said...

I did this to the fire chief, in reverse. He asked me to get the copy for the mailer supporting the fire levy from his desk. No big deal. Some time later he was in his office, had a couple of firemen and officers standing around when he said "You found it OK?" I mean, it was a gift. I said "You should have put that thing out of sight!" "What What" from the chief. "You know what!" and I left.

Leenie said...

Big smile here. I'm guessing by now said intern may have your number and be ready for you with her own "Newby in the Office stash." It must almost make Monday bright to get to share a cubicle with The Pearl.

Leenie said...

Oh, and I learned in the cannery where I once worked that latex gloves hold about two gallons of water and explode like a tsunami when dropped from a catwalk. Do you have a catwalk over your cubicle??????

Steve Bailey said...

Funny post...
But Im more of a purest!

Im still a fan of the old bear trap in the desk drawer trick!!

"Memorable" every time!

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Between the post and the comments, I nearly peed my pants laughing! Wonderful, wonderful stuff!

Craver Vii said...

Gee, you're lucky. Not only am I kept away from the interns, but new people at my job are instructed not to laugh at my jokes. "You don't want to encourage him," they say. Hmph!

Chantel said...

I knew from the moment I purchased the oder eaters it was all downhill. The vodka minis came much later.

Bodacious Boomer said...

You are so evil. I love it.

Joyful Things said...

My boss went in my desk drawer (when Son #1 was about 8 mths and still breast feeding) and accidentally hit the on button on my breast pump (which was in its carrying case). He didn't know whether to go in the case and shut it off or just walk away! He said, in a bit of a shriek, I wasn't playing with it really!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Support stockings. And a tin of prunes. Maybe a laxative or two. She'll run screaming...

Crack You Whip said...

Haha you are awesome!

The Elephant's Child said...

Your inspired silliness has me smiling loudly. Thank you.

Gigi said...

Oh Pearl! I SO wish we were office mates.....the fun we would have!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

That poor intern hasn't got a chance! You are merciless.
Rosemary

darlin said...

LOL I love it! Some have to learn the lessons of the office the hard way, let her run screaming, never to return or if she stays at least she'll be kept on her toes! Evil minds think alike. ;-)

Linda O'Connell said...

You are as devious as you are funny.

Jayne Martin said...

There is something irresistible about a young, optimistic spirit that just cries out to be crushed. Some day she'll thank you.

HermanTurnip said...

I admire your dedication to your soul-crushing goal!

I used to have tons of desktop accruements at my last place of employment, but have since gone zen on the whole thing. My new desk looks much like Neo's desk in The Matrix; bare of any personal items. Hey, at least it'll be easy for me to move into the new and upgraded building next month...

NotesFromAbroad said...

I missed so much having never worked in an office .. :(
You have all the fun !
Especially the soul-crushing part . .

NellieVaughn said...

This reminds me of the time I was an office temp. I loved looking through the drawers. The secretaries all hated me because I never hid my favorite activity very well.

Amy said...

This post makes me wish I still worked in an office - almost. I work from home now which means instead of a deskful of medications and supplements to get me through the workday, I have an entire medicine cabinet. And my desk is no longer cluttered with the "Thank you for your service. Here is a coffe mug" type of stuff.

That Janie Girl said...

My desk drawers are perfectly pristine.

And I lie.

A lot.

Tempo said...

Oh the things you could put in there to bait her with...as always your posts are a bright spark in an otherwise dull life.

Mr. Charleston said...

Ladies, ladies. You guys are brutal. And so close to Easter too. But at least now I know how the pack of condoms got in my drawer.

the walking man said...

Doesn't sound particularly devious to me Pearl. It does actually sound like you not only have found a distraction from the mundane but also a constructive subtle way to educate the next generation of desk dwellers.

Pat Tillett said...

One day, she will run screaming from the office... You hope!

Susan in the Boonies said...

You terrify me. Now I know where Liza Bean gets her evil, conniving streak.

River said...

You're sneaky!
Make sure there's a twenty year old well thumbed dust covered folder of something-or-other at the bottom or in the middle of the stack of stuff.