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Sunday, April 15, 2012

... And I Awoke, Dazed, to Discover I'd Been Watching a Community Access Channel

By the time I reached home, the TV had worked itself into a righteous, vigorous anger.

Apparently word had reached it – and I’m not blaming anyone specific here but I do strongly suspect my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can’t keep her damn lid closed – that I would no longer be spending time in front of the TV, butt planted, mouth open.

The TV was angry; and for reasons I still don’t understand, smelled slightly of stale cigarettes.

“Is it the screen? Huh? What? ‘Cause I’ve got a scratch? ‘Cause I don’t know from HDTV?”

“It’s not that…”

“What? I’m not big enough for you, Miss High-and-Mighty? Is that it? You think because you’ve a bath tub and a shower that you’re too big for the primetime line-up?”

“Hey, I never said…”

“Oh, save your breath, Miss I-Never-Heard-of-Him-Who-Is-This-Maury-Povich-Person! I know what you watch! You hear me? I know what you watch!

“Hey, now. There’s no need to –“

“Tell it to the Marines, okay? Where’s the thanks, huh? Should I tell all your brainy friends about your Tetris addiction?”

“Wha—what?”

“Ha! You think I don’t remember that? You think I don’t remember you and your Nintendo? Hours and hours of Mario Brothers? Of Tetris? How you’d play until you swore the city’s skyline had gaps in it you thought you could fill in if the right piece ever came down?”

My face burned with shame.

The TV laughed cruelly. “Thought I’d forgotten that, didn’t you?”

“Look, that was a long time ago.”

The TV laughed again, his power indicator fever-red. “I don’t need your crap,” he spat. “I had a life, you hear me? I had a life before you!”

I lost control of myself. “You didn’t! You had no life! I paid for you! I paid for you and I dusted you and I moved you every single time I moved! Do you hear me?”

I turned my back on him and burst into tears. “You think this is easy? You think I don’t still care for you? It’s just gotten dirty! I feel cheap! I have a callus from using the remote! The middle cushion on the couch has a Pearl’s-butt-shaped dent in it! If I’m not careful – oh, God! I’m going to end up watching Fox News!”

The full horror of the situation hit me at that moment; and I fell on to the ground in front of the TV, sobbing.

The TV made staticky, cooing noises.

“Movies, maybe? You’ve been promising Ma you’d watch the first season of Heroes for almost two years now. Maybe we could do that? Huh? The Dune movies? What about the Lord of the Ring Trilogy? You like that, don’t you?”

I sat up, nodding dully and wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if we can be friends. We’ll just have to take it slowly.”

The TV began to hum the theme song from “One Day at a Time”.

I shook my head, repulsed.

He’ll never change.

30 comments:

Shelly said...

Ha! TV- the scorned lover. I wonder what will displace the laptop in all our lives...

R. Jacob said...

I am so glad my computer screen doesn't talk to me about what I watch! :::::blushing:::::

SparkleFarkle said...

Whew! What a relief it is to know someone else has ongoing conversations with their teedlely veedlely. Um... I just gotta know, though. Do you wear that pair of Cavallis the Russian guy led you to at Savers, when you play Tetris?

Sioux said...

Thank god we can no longer afford cable/satellite/whatever. The lure of Tabitha-Chopped-SonsofAnarchy is scary.

And Maury is the Gateway Drug to all the addiction that follows...

esbboston said...

Hahh! I just realized we both wrote teleBision pieces today, ah, I feel special!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You don't need it Pearl...toss it out the window. Let it beg to come back inside. Turn the garden hose on it. There's nothing worth watching anymore and that's a fact.

jenny_o said...

Fox News WOULD be hitting bottom, wouldn't it? :)

Susan in the Boonies said...

Gosh, you're good!
LOL!
Whatever happened to a good old considerate, "It's not you, it's me" line.
Don't you think that might help with some of the hurt feelings you've caused?

(And your line about spreading the hot oil treatment on a Ritz cracker, on my Alberto VO5 post? Well, that made me feel like one of the family! You, me, and your sis, and a can of frosting.)

Hannah Denski said...

Hahah, brilliant... just as I've been spending lot of time with laptop too...

Crack You Whip said...

I never watch TV. It is only there for looks and it looks good, not that I am looking.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

The television watches every move you make. Better move him down into the rec room just to be sure before he teaches Laptop all of his bad habits. Talking to appliances is normal.

Btw....Talking back to them in a saucy manner is questionable....":))

sage said...

You're a nut, but if you break down and watch Fox News, you really are crazy!

Symdaddy said...

I had a TV like that once!

It's now permanently hooked to my Wii!

The Elephant's Child said...

Our television gets turned off when the smaller portion is away or out. It tells tales though. And sulks.

I am so glad that my books are not blabbermouths like some electrical equipment around here.

m said...

oh my gawd this is good—"my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can't keep her lid closed." gonna have to keep an eye on mine.

m said...

oh my gawd this is good—"my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can't keep her lid closed." gonna have to keep an eye on mine.

Mr. Charleston said...

What's a laptop?

bill lisleman said...

you must have surround sound to be hearing those voices!

darlin said...

LOL damn TV's, we might hold the remote control in our hands, but who is really in control? I sold my TV and got a new one, one which is not an attention seeker and I'm in love with it. I gently brush off the dust faithfully each and every week (when I'm home), I ensure the remote is where it should be and head back up to write yet another paper, my TV understands my lifestyle... thankfully! ;-)

Cheers.

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

Now this was good and really our tv's now more about us then is safe they know about our addiction with cooking shows even when do don't cook.........or in my case my fasanation with crime and war and gangs really the tv needs be appeased or it will blab to everyone and that would not be good.......the only one who knows us any better is our computer and that is another story........lol

Linda O'Connell said...

You are so funny. How do you not laugh at yourself? You are so much better than television.

klahanie said...

...And I awoke, dazed, to discover I'd been watching the BBC and being in Britain, I found out that in order to watch the BBC, I would require a TV Licence. Heck, I haven't even passed the test and that darned 'L' plate on my screen is doing my head in....

Leenie said...

Wondering about SparkleFarkle's shoe question?????

Beelzebug said...

had one like that too until I put it on pension :)

That gentleman's lady said...

Hah, I think other people's TVs ignore me. They must know I don't have one at home.

NellieVaughn said...

I neglected my tv for so long that, when I finally had time for it, it died. I never even got to say goodbye.

Elisabeth said...

Wonderful, Pearl. The power of the machine. I sent mine packing over fifteen years ago so I don't need to worry about any grumbling dissent from the TV. It never visits now.

River said...

My TV is nothing without its dvd connection and doesn't seem to be at all jealous of my sweet little laptop.

Pat said...

Pearl dear - now you have started on the inanimate objects I'm beginning to get a little concerned.
Its hardly fair to Liza et al.

the walking man said...

Park it on the couch sister and get that remote! You need a good dose of Kardashian reality!!!!