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Saturday, March 24, 2012

You Call That Work?!

Don't think of it as a re-post.  Think of it as a "repeat performance".  

Yeah.  That's the ticket.


Another money-making opportunity came our way last Saturday and neither Mary or I could resist: a four-hour nursing certification test.

Four hours of watching people take a test.

Normally these tests are taken by anywhere from 15 to 30 people. Saturday’s attendance was five.

That’s seven people in a silent room for four hours.

Judging by the general attitude of the test-takers, this is about the right amount of time to take these tests. For the people that are there to distribute, explain, watch, time, and gather these tests, however, it is four hours of reading and free-rein imagination.

Four hours is a long time.

I’ve come to find that I naturally check my watch every 30 minutes or so. I’m not particularly proud of this and sometimes make an effort to go longer, just to see if I can.

In my experience, the first three half hours float by rather easily, especially if you’ve brought a good book. It’s that fourth half hour that’ll get ya.

I am grinning absentmindedly after having come to the somewhat dreamy realization that I had been the recent recipient of a “rash” of butt-dialings – cell-phone calls from friends who had not intended to call but had done so unwittingly, perhaps by sitting on their phones – when Mary starts it.

Mary started it.

She pushes a legal pad toward me.

“This is a little dull. My next career will be in the exotic dancing arena. I hear they do well.”


It is important to note here that we had, just two hours earlier, been discussing the horrors of beachwear and what it would take to get us to come out of a dressing room in less than our full complement of clothing.

“I have my stripper name all picked out,”
she continues.

I write back: “What is it?”

“Frieda Livery.”

I smile as quietly as possible.

“I’ve been thinking of picking up a little cash myself,” I write. “You know that e-mail that went around a while back? The one that says your stripper name is the name of your first pet followed by your mother’s maiden name? WB.”

Yes. WB.”

“I’ve got it made. My stripper name is Puss-Puss Bloom.”

Mary snorts and then chokes. There is a brief pause as she pulls herself together.

She picks up the pen.

“Would people think I was copying Prince if I changed my name to a symbol? Because that would not be my intent.”

A quick expulsion of air escapes my lips.

Five earnest nurses scribble furiously against the timed test.

She hands me the pen.

“I’ve been thinking of changing my name to something more ethnic,” I write. “What do you think? WB.”

Mary sips her coffee carefully, her smile ear-to-ear.

“I think you can pull it off. WB.”

I write, sliding the pad back. “I’m thinking "Mary Elizabeth Blankett-Hogg" says everything I want to say.”

Mary spits her coffee out.


As I say, she started it.



Please note that no test-takers were harmed during our note-writing frenzy and that the exchange above took no longer to occur than it did to read. We respect, admire, and field more than a few questions from said test-takers - some of them quite silly - and always wish them well in their quest for certification.

42 comments:

Chantel said...

"Puss-Puss Bloom" is bringing entirely inappropriate images to mind. The costume...the signature dance... oh, Dear God!

Pearl said...

Chantel, have you figured out your stripper name? :-) Your first pet and your mother's maiden name. :-)

Chantel said...

I just answered on mine, but it was a black and white kitten named Oreo Cream Pie. And my mother's maiden was Cats. Dare I use a synonym?? (seriously, my stomach hurts from laughing)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I would be Scamper Peters. Good Lord, I haven't scampered in years.

Douglas said...

Sadly, I no longer have the abs to be a stripper. You see, male strippers need more than just being reasonably in good shape and having no warts. They need truly "hot" bodies.

But now that I reflect back... I never did have those abs.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Mine would be Ginger Lee.

no, I lied.

My beloved dog was Messina. But there are no suitable family names. Messina Problem Here.

Celia Light?

ThreeOldKeys said...

Famous actors' relatives:

Peach Pitt
Bunny Hopper
Crystal Crystal


... i'll stop now.

Amber Star said...

What does WB mean at the end of your writing? And why were you a proctor at the nurses exam? Did you just say "Hey I can watch for cheaters and tell time?"

You a riot Pearl.

R. Jacob said...

I really thought a nursing exam would involve babies!

jabblog said...

Nobody'd pay to see me strip - maybe the reverse. What would that be? Quick dress? Unstrip?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

jabblog...I believe that's called a "cover up"...something I've become remarkably good at.

Pearl said...

"WB"? In high school note-writing parlance, that would be "Write Back".

:-)

And I'm truly enjoying the idea of an "unstrip". As a matter of fact, there are a couple people I've seen on the buses that I would pay to see ADD clothes to their wardrobe.

"Woooooo! Put it on! Put it on!"

Pearl said...

Delores, Scamper Peters is almost too delicious...

terlee said...

You and Mary? Truly funny.

My stripper name would be Smokey Lee. I think I like it better than my own. Not sure what that means...

Pearl said...

Smoky Lee sounds very red-velvet-and-cigarette-holder to me. Now go lay down on the piano until the band gets here.

:-)

Pearl said...

Amber, :-) Pretty much! I always let people know I'm up for extra cash, and someone I used to work with had gotten the job through someone in her church, no idea how. Anyway, she was tired of doing it so asked me if I wanted it. I said, sure! What else would I be doing on a Saturday morning between 8:00 and noon?!

R., very clever. Now go stand in the corner. :-)

Douglas, in our minds, we ALL had abs, and I insist on recalling yours quite clearly.

ThreeOldKeys said...

i'm trying to avoid thinking about a social occasion i need to concentrate on. (people are coming to my house and i'm gritting my teeth a bit ...)

therefore, even though the doorbell will ring any time, i've thought of more stupid names for strippers related to famous actors.

Flamin' Damon
Spanky Hanks
Dolly Lamas
Zesty Lemmon

i'm turning OFF the computer now.

Camille said...

Hmmmm...that would make me
"Dusty Laframboise"or "dirty raspberry" to the non-french speaking population. It kind of sings huh?

Pearl said...

ThreeOldKeys, I think we may have uncovered a talent here!

Camille, it absolutely does. :-) I love it.

Lisa Golden said...

You and Mary crack me up. I've had to proctor tests and it's so hard to maintain my composure. I can't even say the word "proctor" without giggling.

Love,

Fluffy White

Pearl said...

Lisa, proctoring sounds like you'd need rubber gloves, doesn't it? :-)

jenny_o said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jenny_o said...

"He/she started it" - the world-wide cry of the guilty sibling - or near-sib ...

My stripper name would begin with a male dog's name - not an auspicious start, so I went no further :)

This was hilarious, and well worth the encore presentation!

bill lisleman said...

If readers would like to watch this performed on the youtube stage please click over to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAZ_bNH0aJI

thanks Pearl - you should have told me you were going to re-post this classic.

Pearl said...

Jenny-O, but Mary really did start it! :-)

Bill, oh, you're right!! Actually, I hadn't decided on what to re-post this morning until just moments before I did it, but if/when it happens again (in another year?!) I'll give you a holler!

Roses said...

My stage name would be Lindy Walker....

I see a long and profitable career for my osteopath...if I try and live down to that name. I don't think swinging round a pole on high, high heels will do my back any good.

Shelly said...

Acckkk- just figured out my stripper name. I'll just have to stick with my regular one.

Pearl said...

Roses, sounds a bit geriatric, doesn't it?! Second career, later in life? :-)

Shelly, ooh. Now I'm curious!

Eva Gallant said...

Let's see; my stripper name would be Buster Martin. Not all that sexy!

Gigi said...

Oh jeez mine sounds more like something out of that old British show they used to show on PBS. Upstairs Downstairs, I think.

Happy Frog and I said...

Hi Pearl this post just cracked me up. I'd be Goldie De Hoot. Crickey. As for the 'butt calls' I can relate to that as I tend to be the first name in people's phones.

Al Penwasser said...

You'd need a lot of patients to sit through a four-houe nursing test.

Belle said...

My name would be Perky McLeod. I kind of like it!

esbboston said...

I wish there was a 'nerd singing' certification process, karaoke, wedding singer, bar mitzvahs... etc....

My favorite belly laughing ( not dancing ) moment came with the "Mary Elizabeth Blankett-Hogg" statement.

momto8 said...

standard movie star names are your middle name followed by your street name....don't know the stripping standards!
i am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

NellieVaughn said...

After reading this post, I tried to think of a great stripper name, but only came up with Puppy Melons. My career as a naked dancer ended before it began.

Linda O'Connell said...

You make my cheeks hurt. I pass notes at every meeting I attend. I try not to snort.

Dawn in D.C. said...

I'm so glad I dropped in this morning to meet you (and Mary!). I remember being invited to church with my friend when we were girls. We started with the note passing and then the giggles started. I was not invited back. Possibly going to hell now.

Stripper name? Porky Sunshine. Hmmm doesn't sound like a moneymaker to me.

Shea Goff said...

Fantastic. I adore this. It makes me think of such good friends.

Great to start a Sunday with a laugh. Thank you for that.

Shrinky said...

Erm, Laddie MacDonald is hardly the sexiest of names, is it? It sorta' conjures more of a butch, muscular dominatrix kinda' gal, more handy with the Glasgow-kiss (headbutt) than a playful, poledancing kitten. Mind you, no denying it does suit me to a T.. (wink)

Pat said...

Havoc Williams sounds quite good I
think.

thesacredandtheprofane said...

My stripper name would only work if I were male:
Barton Buck

But if I were a Chippendale? I could totally work that.