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Sunday, March 4, 2012

What's With All the Holes in Your Ceiling?

I sat at Mary’s house the other night. Bowls of home-made chili and slabs of freshly baked bread comfortably downed, we sat in the living room, her dog T-Bone, Black Lab of Incredible Sincerity and Intermittent Flatulence, at our feet.

“Did Anna friend you?”

Anna was someone from our past, a woman with an insanely cheerful and ambitious sexual history. She told crazy stories, sometimes backed up with the craziest of photos.

“On FaceBook?” I asked. “Yeah, but we don’t talk.”

“You remember the sex swing?”


Well who could forget something like that?

The sex swing figured prominently in Anna’s stories; and Mary and I found ourselves wondering aloud as to why we didn’t own one, why we hadn’t been telling stories about the sex swing.

I could post a picture, of course, but a wink, as they say, is as good as a nod.

And after several off-color jokes and a colored-pencil-and-glued-macaroni diagram (we couldn’t find the glitter), we came up with several ideas as to why we had never owned a screwed-into-the-ceiling sexual-enhancement device.

In no particular order:
  • After finding a stud in the general populous, we’d have to find a stud in the ceiling. Have you seen me hang a picture? A nail pounded into a wall with the heel-end of a dress boot is my specialty.
  • Speaking of which, I’m going to need a full-color, instructional brochure. For educational purposes, of course.
  • What about the amount of exercise that would have to take place prior to getting into the swing? Who knows where those straps will cut? Control of the jiggle factor, to my mind, is crucial.
  • The drawing up and signing of the legal documents, holding me blameless and giving me rights to the story should anything untoward/amusing happen whilst strapped into the swing, would be prudent. 
  • I would need to give ol’ Ron at Allstate a call. Will my homeowner’s insurance cover enthusiastically-incurred injuries?
  • And speaking of insurance, do I have the money set aside to cover my medical deductible – and what are the odds of ending up in a Horrors of the Emergency Room video?
As you can see, Mary and I have put a lot of thought into this.

What can I say? That was some really good chili.

31 comments:

Beach Bum said...

Yeah, heard of those swings. In fact back in the 1970's my little and very properly moral Southern hometown was shocked to learn that one of the proverbial pillars of the community accidentally hung himself while participating in sexual adventures.

At least it was with his wife. Rumor had it that the police found all sort of leather and other strange devices.

Chantel said...

Ummm....usually you buy a stand with it. They snap together in a matter of minutes quite easily in any room of the house....although it's a bit of a stretch to convince a neighbor who might drop in unannounced that it's a new laundry drying rack apparatus while you're spastically throwing blankets over the top and shoving the leather bits under the couch....

This is just hearsay...totally.

R. Jacob said...

...to a blind horse!
After all that chili, I think T-bone got all the blame

and gee whiz, now I will be thinking about a sex swing at work today. I think it is covered as under your homeowner's deductible

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You know the old sayng, "I wouldn't be caught dead" you fill in the blanks...ie I wouldn't be caught dead with dirty underwear or I wouldn't be caught dead in a porn shop...now you can add, I wouldn't be caught dead naked in a harness suspended from the ceiling. Rules to live by lol.

Jono said...

Maybe a mattress beneath it, for safety of course, would be a good idea. A background in gymnastics might be helpful, too. Do you have a personal trainer?

Sioux said...

As Billy Crystal's mother's character said in "When Harry Met Sally," I'll have what you're having.

That must have been some REALLY good chili...

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

On Burbon Street in New Orleans, the "girls" in the bars swing out the windows to entice customers to come in. "Scantily clad" would barely describe them. We saw all we wanted and more from the sidewalks outside!
Rosemary

Bouncin Barb said...

I'm trying to type but the tears from laughing are getting in the way!! I've always wanted to try one of those but the "thought" of my fat ass just trying to get into it is enough to say I pass! hahahahaha. Call the Allstate guy! OMG..I have to pee now.

Roses said...

It's taken me a while to stop laughing.

My own home improvement skills are much like your own and I couldn't face my osteo with the related injuries.

Belle said...

Love the part about hanging a picture! So, you found out it has a stand. That should make it easier. I would have tried it out with hubby when we were younger and slimmer. Like Barb, I can't imagine us in it now. Girlfriend talk is fun.

jenny_o said...

That's an Allstate ad I would love to see!!

Love the idea of the coloured-pencil and glued macaroni diagram. Hilarious!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Ron at All State would insist on a home visit to determine your coverage...

...or, hopefully...your LACK of coverage...

if you know what I mean...

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I'm with you, too much like hard work. Besides, I'd not outlast the warming up required. Indigo x

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Would you kindly post that chilli recipe, Pearl? Thanks. I don't even wish to see the color-pencil-and-macaroni diagram, though it's my favorite little gem in this hysterical piece.

I had a date once show off his flexible maneuvering of a garage "yoga" swing. {That's what they call those things in CA, it seems.)

xoRobyn

Shelly said...

Hmmmm. Our first apartment had several pairs of oddly placed holes in the ceiling...now I'm wondering about the little old lady that lived there before us...

Simply Suthern said...

Out in the sticks we just made do with a porch swing.

Saimi said...

Ha! Good chili, good conversation! Doesn't get much better than that Pearl...except maybe a swing to boot!

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

Not my cup of tea........but to each their own.......lol You have given the topic a lot of thought though

NotesFromAbroad said...

Giggling helplessly at the visuals inspired by "jiggle factor" , Ron at Allstate and Horros of the Emergency room ..
Now should I tell you about my old boyfriend, the Ambulance driver ?

mapstew said...

Don't tell anyone but I, ahem, used to work in a porn shop. In fact I worked in a chain (snigger) of porn shops! It was an education I tells ya. Don't get me started on the 'One Size Fits All' rubber wear! :¬)

xxx

Leenie said...

~~~~~and the mind goes wild. You two (and the Lab) have too much fun. I may need a copy of your chili recipe.

HermanTurnip said...

I can only wonder at the comfort factor. Those straps must really dig into you after some time. Any concern regarding rashes and friction burns? Do you need a ladder to get into position to enter such a device? Are there safety straps involved? Are these things machine washable? When not in use, can you use them to hang potted plants in?

The mind goes on and on about such things...

Daisy said...

The only thing I can imagine, or want to, is that lovely Lab! :-D

Linda O'Connell said...

Pearl, I love it when girlfriends get together and tell all. I am laughing so hard at the All State guy and the ER. I can't read this stuff at bedtime. I am going to lie there and giggle for fifteen minutes and wake my husband.

The Elephant's Child said...

My mind is boggling. Thanks for exercising it (again).

tattytiara said...

Never have sex on anything that could induce motion sickness.

Tracy Jo said...

I concur with all the reasons the swing is a bad idea. I am certain if I tried that...I would end up in the hospital. :-) Happy Monday!

kt said...

I'm still laughing! " After finding a stud in the general populous, we’d have to find a stud in the ceiling." Mann, what a line!

Sorry that I haven't gotten around to visiting more...I have certainly been missing a lot!

Pat Tillett said...

I guess this is why granny always told us that girls would hurt us...
I thought she was talking about "feelings."

Pat said...

I have actually swung on a sex swing.
All perfectly decent and above board - in a Maharajah's palace in Rajahstan. Our guide had actually spent his honeymoon there. Gorgeous surroundings - a contrast to the poverty in the streets.

Saunar Buboy said...

That's funny,, haha

PPLIC