I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Whatcha Eatin'?

My sister and I used to live together, somewhere in our early-30s. It was a damn good time; and when our sons were away on the weekends, as sometimes happened, we’d use the quiet time to get loud.

Shots of vodka and Rollerblades. Do you have any idea how well these things go together? I do! A drunk on skates has no fear and no compunction against, saying, skating to the grocery store to get smokes.

It’s also how we both learned to spin.

Karen and I are both dancers, both “happy” drinkers, and we’d crank the music up and dance, leaving the room only to answer the phone or go to the bathroom.

I remember going into the bathroom and coming back to see her head in the fridge. There was an odd “pssssssssssst” sound coming from its interior.

“Whatcha eatin’?”

“Come ‘ere! Come ‘ere! Wanna know something really tasty?” She held up the Redi-Wip container. “Open your mouth!!”

Ah, why not?! I opened my mouth and Karen filled it full of whipped cream.

“Hey, you wanna know something else cool?”

This made me laugh. If shooting Redi-Wip is cool, what else is cool?!

We sat on the floor in the kitchen and opened a cupboard, whereupon she reached in, all the way to the back, and pulled out a box of saltine crackers and one of those cans of pre-made fudge frosting.

“Put this on ‘ere. Try it.”

Well hot damn, if fudge frosting isn’t good on a cracker!

“Whatcha eatin’” became a joke. We would call each other at work, leaving whispered messages on voice mail: Whatcha eatin’? We would yell at each other through the bathroom door: Hey! Whatcha eatin’?

We’re childish that way.

One day, I was downstairs cleaning the litter box. Exhausted from a day of work and preceding days of cleaning houses, I sat on the floor, hunched over and brain-dead, sifting through the litter box using a large slotted spoon purchased just for such occasions.

Karen walked by me, glanced, kept going – and then stopped, backed up to take a second look.

“Whatcha eatin’?”

I can never look at a slotted spoon without remembering that: the sifting of the cat poop, the look on Karen’s face as she asked me what I was eating…

The simplest memories are the best.

45 comments:

pilgrimchick said...

I'm not sure I would combine saltine crackers and fudge frosting, but I'm willing to give anything a try once.

Pearl said...

pilgrimchick, I would never steer you wrong. Seriously. It's one surprisingly good treat. :-)

Susan in the Boonies said...

After reading about that little scene in front of the fridge, a more pertinent question MIGHT have been:

"Whatcha smokin'?"

But the slotted spoon story is a winner, too.
Almond roca, my girlfriend calls it. :-D
Kittycat Surprise.

My dog calls it a delicacy.

Pearl said...

Susan, :-) I have no idea how she discovered that one, and it's all the more perplexing given that she's rather a health nut!

Perpetua said...

Pearl, I'll never look at a slotted spoon in the same way again. :-)

If you can eat salted chocolate tart (a recipe I found recently) you can eat almost anything.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

It's hard to type when you are laughing and there are tears in your eyes.

Camille said...

I got me a can of chocolate frosting and a fresh sleeve of saltines in the cupboard so I gotta go now. BTW - can't wait for the twitchy sugar high to hit. Woot!

Pat said...

Brilliantly funny picture:)

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

G A G !!!!!
Rosemary

R. Jacob said...

I think I love you even more after this post! ;)

Joanne said...

I have a picture of my youngest grandaugter having her mouth filled with Redi-Whip. I think she was three at the time. Never too young.

Kim Gibson said...

I just found your blog through pilgrimchick and I'm still laughing! That slotted spoon story is HILARIOUS!!! And I thought my dog was the only Almond Roca connoisseur! Hahahaha!

Pearl said...

Perpetua, :-) Excellent.

Delores, I can still walk by Karen and whisper, "Whatcha eatin'?" and we both still laugh. :-)

Camillie, it's a trailer park delicacy. Just don't tell my mom!

Pat, thank you. :-) I can still see it...

Rosemary, gag you? :-) With a slotted spoon? :-) (Zappa reference...)

R.,the love is reciprocated. :-)

Joanne, some pleasures should not be denied!

Kim, oh, I'm glad you stopped by! We're all kinds of silly over here, right down to the commenters. :-)

fishducky said...

Nutella, the heroin of chocoholics, is good on bread, so why not frosting on crackers? As for delicacies gleaned from the litter box--I PASS!!

Pearl said...

fishducky, I "discovered" Nutella just a couple years back. I adore it, but I have to wonder, what else have I been missing?!

jenny_o said...

Chocolate frosting on saltines sounds like an emergency version of potato chips with milk chocolate... mmm...

Love this post. It's fantastic when two people "get" each other like you and your sister do. The shared jokes are a treasure.

Amber Star said...

Oh my goodness...you and your sister had/have good times. My husband thinks I'm nuts when he hears the whipped cream can going pffftt and the fridge door is open.

Nutella...msybe I should just stay away from that. Hmmm.

Amber Star said...

Oh yes...I am with Susan about the smoke part. I've heard about the munchies with that, but never with shots of vodka. :D

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hmmm. I've always loved Almond Roca. That particular treat may be off the menu forever! Funny post, as always.

Shelly said...

As I recall, back in the day when I was in school, a really weird hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-ya was grape jelly and bean dip on a Ritz cracker. Kinda gross, but yeah, you never know what combos will make it big some day.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Oh how you make me wish I had a sister.
Or that you were my sister.
I must admit though-I have tried the Redi-Whip thing .. it was good and so is that Cheeze Whiz stuff that comes out of a can in long strings, directly into your mouth when a cracker is unavailable.

NotesFromAbroad said...

PS .. Nutella is everywhere here and has made up to me the lack of Real peanut butter and various other comfort foods that a girl raised in NC might miss.
I am not above just walking over to the pantry, with a teaspoon and digging out a nice dollop of Nutella and sticking it in my mouth, to melt and slide down ... you can almost feel the happy sugar high coming on...

Belle said...

I've indulged in Nutella also. It does taste decadent. Loved your story Pearl. Inside family jokes are such fun. In bygone days my daughters and I would drink and dance together too.

Gigi said...

At first the idea of chocolate frosting on a saltine was repellent....but I'm beginning to think it wouldn't be bad. A salty/sweet treat...kinda like chocolate covered pretzels.

I was totally screwed not having a sister to share these kinds of moments with. *sigh* I just had a stupid brother.

Linda O'Connell said...

Your post reminded me of a time when we were at Road Kill Cafe in NH and an two older couples ordered kitty litter. That Toosie roll stuck in that crumbled cake looked like the real deal. Four couples, two young, two old, laughing and snorting. Yeah, we are childish too.

esbboston said...

Pearl: you can be my Sista'. Actually that is my nickname for my best friend Susie, and she calls me 'Brotha'. I didn't know if you saw my other comment that my mom got your book and loved it!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I am with Susan. In the winter, my dog enjoys the "little frozen treats" of cat poo in the yard. Joy.

SherilinR said...

roller skating to the store for smokes sounds like a darn good idea! and anything squirted from a can is sure to be good eating.

HermanTurnip said...

Heh! Brilliant write-up on a great memory! (I'm softly chuckling as I write this comment)

BECKY said...

How fun! You are my kind of gal, Pearl! And hey, my mom used to spread left over frosting on saltines for us all the time when I was a little girl. It's awesome! Just that right mix of sweet and salt. Ours was usually vanilla frosting and that was yummy, too. In fact, I still do it today! :)
AND thank goodness I don't own a cat, or I'd never be able to look at, or clean out, a cat box again.... :o

Leenie said...

Next time I clean Thomas's box I'll fondly think of you, Pearl.

Juli said...

Have I read this before?

Awww... who cares if I have. Now all I want is whipped cream from the can. :)

mapstew said...

A certain soft cheese brand is shifting their new 'cheese & chocolate' spread over here. I have to say it's quite delicious!

I have never liked cats, never had them as pets so no cat-litter stories. But. I had a Lab (Oscar) a few years back, a daft dog, who once ate a box of my oil paints. We were finding multi-coloured dog shits in the garden for weeks. I should have taken pics, they really were unreal! :¬)

xxx

The Elephant's Child said...

To this day I refuse to use a slotted spoon for any culinary endeavours because my mother used one to sift through the kitty litter.

Lady Mama said...

That image at the end with the cat litter is hilarious. As for the saltines with fudge... I'd try it!

Crack You Whip said...

Great post! I think I had my laugh for the day right here!

Crystal Pistol said...

Sisters are the best! My sisters and I have our own special language too. Much of it consists of texting one another random lines from The Little Mermaid. "DADDY I LOVE HIM!" or "HUMANS USE THESE BABIES TO STRAIGHTEN THEIR HAIR OUT..."

River said...

I'll tell you what you're missing Pearl. Two slices of bread (or two crackers), peanut butter on one, nutella on the other, make a sandwich. Yum!

Roses said...

Your family is awesome.

Thank you for sharing them with us.

Having many slotted spoon moments...ugh.

darlin said...

I can totally relate having 3 sisters, I had to laugh half way through this post! The drinks and anything to eat went good together! lol Cheers.

MimiTabby said...

I loved your story. This past week, 3 of my cousins and I have been exchanging stories about our grandfather. He has been dead for many years, but our memories of him are very much alive.
Recalling these things are great fun, thanks for sharing.

Mimi Torchia Boothby Watercolors

Sioux said...

If you've ever read the "Sweet Potatoe Queens" cookboook, you'd know that one of their cookie recipes is called "Catshit Cookies." (And to a dog, the popsicles found in the kitty litter pan are delicious!)

Robbie Grey said...

Vodka and rollerblades...that sounds perversely fascinating.

Diane said...

Reddi-Whip? Check. Fudge frosting on saltines? Check. Cat poop on a slotted spoon? You're on your own.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Nice memory.