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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Well Who Wouldn’t Want a Coupon for Beano?

Female Intern – our recent corporate upgrade from Intern Boy – is fitting in nicely here at Acme Gravel and Grommets.

Too nicely.

Having sworn, on her inaugural day, to crush her, I find myself unable to do so, and, instead, in a display of motherly attention I have not exhibited since The Boy put his fingers in a burning candle, have commenced with the giving of advice. 

Well just look at her!  Could you resist that little face?  With the eyebrows of a young Sophia Loren and the bearing of a tabby kitten in office-appropriate clothing, she has wormed her way in to my cubicle-ensconced heart.

Dagnab it.

“What was that keyboard shortcut for page break again?” she asks.

“Control, enter,” I say, unable to control my delight.  The shortcuts are one of my favorite keyboard-related topics. 

She’s a curious little thing, this one; and we’ve covered all the office basics: how to staple a fallen hem, the recipe for office fudge (four packets of hot chocolate mix and far too little hot water), the difference between “carbon copy” and "blind copy" on an e-mail and the implications therein.

But there are generational roadblocks.

“Why do you have Elmer’s Glue on your desk?” she asks one day.  “Will there be pasting after recess?”

We smile at each other.  “It’s useful when you have a run in your nylons.”

She looks at me blankly, blinks slowly.  “Nylons?”

“I hear they’re making a come back, nylons,” I say somewhat lamely.  “Kate Middleton wears them.”

“Hmm,” she says.  “Yes.”

She came in yesterday morning, a tiny frown on her adorable little face.  “Argh,” she says.  “You ever get a song stuck in your head just before work?”

“All the time,” I say.  “I’ve had the fourth movement of Beethoven’s Pastoral wedged in there since Starbucks.”

She stares at me.  Blink.  Blink.  “I’ve got a Katie Perry song stuck in mine.”

Now it’s my turn:  Blink.  Blink. 

We share a cube, she and I, a common area – and view it from two different points in history. 

Only three weeks into our relationship, and already, perspective is needed.

Surely it’s not too late to leave a coupon for something delightfully inappropriate in her mail slot?

54 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Quick, destroy her before you get sucked into a black hole in the space/time continuum.

Pearl said...

Delores, :-) Just that. :-)

Leenie said...

This one sounds like a keeper to me. With this combination of expertise and new energy (and a nice pair of pantyhose) you can TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

p.s. Glad I got my copy of "I Was Raised to Be a Lert" before it goes viral at colleges everywhere. Reading it and learning even more ways to torment siblings and heal injured children.

esbboston said...

Ah, you missed your chance, you should have told her, "Control Alt Delete".

esbboston said...

Blink fests are fun, even if you are just a U.N observer.

Shelly said...

Don't give up all your secrets yet to the younger generation. Some of those have to be earned...

Pearl said...

Leenie, Yes, who know I Was Raised to be A Lert would be considered a learning tool?! :-) (I'll tell my mom to expect a call...)

esb, shoot. I missed that one, didn't I? :-)

Camille said...

Gotta love those younguns in the workplace. They're so darn cuddly and cute and before you know it they've sucked you into their vortex. Weeks go by and you actually start to feel quite young yourself and then, one day while washing your hands in the ladies room, you look up into the mirror and GAH!!!...who is that old bag looking back at me?

Office kitten must be destroyed. Do it soon before you lose your nerve and you start to consider botox.

Pearl said...

esb, ok, that was pretty dang funny.

Shelly, you're right, of course. She'll have to learn how to style her hair after a windstorm using only a plastic fork and a twist-tie on her own!

Pearl said...

Camille, you've hit it on the head, something I was considering just this morning. We either get better, pinker lighting in the bathroom or Office Kitten gets it...

Vicus Scurra said...

Edit all of her desktop icons to point at the wrong file.

vanilla said...

I believe that at the time of the original threat to "crush" I cautioned you that she sounded a sly one. Caution!

Sioux said...

And you can tell the office kitten that the Beano is inserted into the offending orifice.

haphazardlife said...

What Camille said. Don't let yourself be sucked in.

L-Kat said...

She's sneaky! You must crush her now. Giving up your shortcut secrets?? Nobody ever taught me. They laughed and told me I'd figure it out (thank you, Google).

Shortcuts are your favorite keyboard related topic? I didn't know keyboard conversations were so popular as to have different topics. What else is there to talk about?

jabblog said...

The time to really worry is when a slip of the tongue has her calling you 'Mom'.

Simply Suthern said...

Has anyone had her page Dr. David Banner yet?

I've got "Dead Skunk in the middle of the road" stuck in my head and the true essence of it stuck in my car since my drive in this morn.

Brian Miller said...

this is a devious one...there are any number of tricks you can use to out wit the fox....and realize she is taking all your secrets to overthrow you so act fast...

esbboston said...

Ah, I didn't think I was that funny, NO, you're the funny one, no, reaLLy, you're much funnier than me, no, I have proof! (I did all theXtra no's to brighten yer day, have a good one, and get out there and torment those youngsters. I have work to do, I gotta big box of new shoes to get on the shelf, and I haven't even had breakfast yet.)

SherilinR said...

you could always take her under your proverbial wing and then take credit for her success when she does well.
and it's not like you can just move her car to another street to teach her a lesson.

Perpetua said...

Welcome to my world, Pearl. I have generational mismatch with almost everyone nowadays :-)

Joanne said...

Be kind and judge her when she leaves. She's probably absorbing the vastness of what she doesn't even know about with those blinks and you really want her gratitude for what she's learned to be sincere when she leaves. Or, as my mother always said, Kill them with kindness.

MimiTabby said...

yeah but do you remember when nylons with the black seam down the back were considered awful and old fashioned?

I can really relate here.

Fun exchange here!

Mimi Torchia Boothby Watercolors

Pat said...

If I come on this earth again I want to be your intern.

Ach du lieber said...

I remember when I was the young, ingenue at work. Life seemed so full of promise.

Age and reality will hit her square in the gut soon enough. It always does.

Bwahahahahaha.....

jenny_o said...

Well, at least she didn't appear to LIKE the Katy Perry song that was stuck in her head. There may be hope!

Maybe you could write a book about emergency fixes like the fork and twist tie manoeuvre, eh? Or at least a post with pictures. (FYI, supplies are very limited at my place of work. We have old croutons and several takeout menus. Please include instructions for office emergencies using those items. Thank you.)

:)

Dee Ready said...

Dear Pearl,
I so admire your imagination.

Peace.

Pearl said...

Such a busy day, but I had to stop in and say I quite enjoy the comments today.

And I'm thinking that the topic of office-available materials used in emergency situations is a delightful subject and one not yet fully explored...

Mandy_Fish said...

Aw, she's so cute! Can we keep her?

Belle said...

Just don't say "record store" like I'm always doing, it's music store I think.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I wonder what she writes about her interning experience ... on her blog.

jenny_o said...

Smiling big here! I won't trash the croutons quite yet ... hee hee

Eva Gallant said...

She's not to be trusted. Destroy her before she steals all your secrets!

Susan in the Boonies said...

You are going to be the making of this PYT, Pearl.

Mold her well.

From you, she will gain access to all the secrets of the Gravel and Grommet Kingdom.

May she wield them wisely.

Maggie May said...

I'm still trying to master short cuts and spend too long doing things the long way.
As for songs on the brain...... (known as brain worms) I seem to have this happen all the time....... but then I joined a choir and this is the result!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Gigi said...

Office Kittens MUST be destroyed.....or at the very least have their will to live be sucked from their souls.

And never, EVER give up your keyboard shortcuts. It's called "job security". Pffft - that's stuff she needs to figure out on her own.

Austan said...

Give her a copy of "All About Eve" and tell her you're no Margo Channing, Eve would have died in obscurity if it'd been you..

esbboston said...

SherilinR's comment "... and it's not like you can just move her car to another street to teach her a lesson." cra-ck-ed me up laughing!

Ms Sparrow said...

Awwww, that's so sweet--those tender moments when you trade girl talk about nylons and earwigs!

Linda O'Connell said...

We've gone through three young female interns, one who led with her fake boobs, one who led with her heart on her sleeve, and one who led us all to say, HUH? Now we have three male replacements. Smells different in the office area.

Jen said...

Not having an out of home office with real people in it to work with, especially not interns, I don't really have anything to offer. However, thank you for that page break shortcut!!

I wish I had an intern to torment. That would totally make going to work something to look forward to. Plus, I would make her fetch me things.

Kristy @PampersandPinot said...

I love this story my husband tells. He had to miss school (he's a middle school teacher) to be with me during surgery for my skin cancer. (trust me, the story's funny, not tragic) His kids asked, Why are you going to be gone? He thought it was a "teachable moment." He said, well, my wife grew up in the 80's (I was born in the 70's) in Phoenix and she had a pool growing up, and no one used sun screen in the 80's, so now she has skin cancer. All the kids guffawed and had shocked expressions - She was BORN in the 80's??!! Oh, she's OLD! HA! Ha.

Amber Star said...

Kristy @PampersandPinot hit the nail on the head with her comment about age. I'm telling you when someone was talking about some modern furniture and they referred to it as "mid-century", I was flabbergasted! "Last century" is just as bad! To be THIS century you would only be 12 years old.

Give the intern you best shot and knowing you it will be a kind one.

Buttons said...

Cool I am really wondering what she wrote about you on her blog. I like her:) B

NellieVaughn said...

I don't quite know if I like her yet. She seems like the little sister I never wanted.

River said...

She's a tabby kitten? Oh dear. I don't think you can crush a cute kitty like that. She's probably a "plant" sent by Liza Bean to keep an eye on you; if you crush her....Liza knows where you keep your credit card.....

hoodyhoo said...

I initially read the sentence as "how to fix a fallen HAM" and was A) very concerned about possible ham wastage and B) very jealous that your workplace has so much ham that fallen ham is a regular occurrence. Now I'm sad because it was actually "hem" and I am an idiot.

Suldog said...

You have truly become one of the delights of my day. Always a good read.

Stephanie said...

Cute! She's lucky to be under your motherly wing.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, I'm betting you gave the little pumpkin all of your keyboard shortcuts so she would turn into a princess like you ":)

R. Jacob said...

Don't you hate when your plans of destruction are put on hold?

Craver Vii said...

You like keyboard shortcuts? I find F5 to be "refreshing." The novice wears office appropriate clothing? That's good. I laughed as I remembered the commuter who wears "juicy" on her caboose.

jenny_o said...

@ hoodyhoo - funny, funny! It's clear we need to take up a collection and send you a ham :)

Diane said...

Ahhh, the small and stultifying world of the cubemates. Hmmm . . . Cubemates. I think we have the beginnings of a new and entertaining reality show . . .