I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Wait ‘Til He Finds Out About Folded Clothes


“Good afternoon, Acme Grommets and Gravel, Pearl speaking.”

“You’re not going to believe this.”

It’s T.  “I don’t believe it already,” I say.

“Smartie,” he says.

“Yes,” I say.

“ANYway,” he says, suddenly exasperated, “I just figured something out.”

I smile.  “I can’t wait,” I say.

“Don’t get lippy,” he mock-threatens, smiling.  “I can have someone in that elevator and on your floor before you can think of an alias.”

“All talk,” I say, laughing.  “Now what did you figure out?”

“The dishes,” he says.  “You know how every time I want to cook something I have to do the dishes first?”

T has recently become quite a good cook; and despite my teasing him over his discovery that pancakes can be made from scratch, his forays into cuisine have become more and more elaborate, leading to his saying things like “chiffonade”, “rolling boil”, and “arugula”.

“I do,” I say.

“Well what if – and hear me out here – what if the dishes were already done?”

There is silence.

“What if,” he says, “when I went to start dinner, the dishes were clean and ready to use?”

More silence.

“Are you suggesting,” I say, slowly, “that you should wash your dishes after you’re done using them, rather than let them lie in the sink until the next time you want to use them?”

“I am,” he says.

There is silence.

“Wait,” he says.  “You’re about to make fun of me, aren’t you?”

“No, no, no, no,” I say, writing down “T has discovered reason to wash his dishes.  In a world gone mad... ”.  “That’s a fantastic idea.  I’m just going to write that down.  Hey, you mind if I call my mom about this?”

“Pfffft,” he says, air escaping.  “You’re making fun of me.  I’m getting off the phone now!”

“Wait!” I shout.  “I have so many questions!”

“Ahhh, shaddap,” he says, smiling. 

“Have a good day!” I say.

He laughs.  “You, too.”

44 comments:

busanalayali said...

This is a great posting I have read. I like your article...
busana muslim

Simply Suthern said...

I like your article too! I think I will show it to my kids.

Same thing works with the toilet.

esbboston said...

Washing dishes is one of my favorite things. But I don't like it when someone else fills up the sink after creating a gigantic feast, and then I have to unload the sink to put water in it OR they have filled it so high that I can't even fill my Brita water pitcher. And then I'll be firsty and sad.

crowbloke said...

i`m a rare breed,, i just love to wash up..

Camille said...

Yes, so pleased for T and his new discovery. But I suspect that if we were to map his DNA, we would determine that his "Y" chromosomes will ensure he will probably never learn to put down the toilet lid.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them put the seat back down when they're done. Just sayin'

SherilinR said...

laundry works much in the same way. it's so much easier to get dressed when your clothes have already been washed away. but that's some space age thinking, so i don't expect it to catch on.

Vicus Scurra said...

This is a great posting I have read. I like your article...

I am confused about this "washing up" thing. Pls to explain.

Bossy Betty said...

Wait....so there's no rule about letting dishes sit? Are you sure? Cause I think I read about that in a rule book somewhere...

Pearl said...

You're all goofy today, aren't you?

:-)

I actually don't mind doing the dishes, but I hate filling the car with gas...

Not sure that's relevant, but I felt it needed saying.

Stephanie said...

Who are we to judge epiphanies? I'm still waiting to figure out that if I actually wash my clothes before I need them it will be easier to get dressed in the morning. I know it...but I don't KNOW it yet. If that makes sense.

Leenie said...

We all learn new things every day. No need to mock poor T. I'm waiting for my hubby to discover the need to refill and replace ice cube trays.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

It takes men a while but once they lock on to a concept......

L-Kat said...

This is groundbreaking. Way to go T.

R. Jacob said...

dish washing? one washes paper plates?
isn't the sink another name for a storage thingy?

Shelly said...

So I guess the same would apply to getting the clothes folded and out of the dryer before you want to use it? Novel concept...

Eva Gallant said...

T has made an earth-shaking discovery!

Sioux said...

What a novel, innovative idea. Has T considered applying for a patent for this? I'm sure it would snag him a boatload of money...

Roses said...

What is this 'washing dishes' of which you speak? I know nothing of this...

jenny_o said...

Awww, T. is growing up. It's not just the dish-washing epiphany, it's also that he grasps so quickly what you're going to do with that :)

bill lisleman said...

I give him credit for cooking. The cleanup is at least half the problem. Putting out fires is a big factor too.
I discovered they never ever ask me to do dishes in the drive-thru.

Joanne said...

I have a grandchild who once discovered the outter limits--wear your clothes to bed, to school, home, to bed, ad infinitum. It didn't change until the opposite sex was discovered and the logic of showers became apparent.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I'm happy to wash. It's the drying that I think is a total time-suck.

Glen said...

that sounds scarily like some kind of feminist mumbo jumbo to me - away with you woman - back to the island of Lesbania, where your type clearly belong - but if you could do my dishes first, before you go...

ThreeOldKeys said...

... thought you were going to say he was suggesting YOU need to wash the dishes. i like where it went instead.

i like your articles too. in fact, i also like several of your nouns and most of your punctuation.

Craver Vii said...

"Chiffonade?" Thanks; I learned a new word.

We have 3 dishwashers in the house (until they grow up and move away from home). I don't mind washing, but can't stand when they use the kitchen towels for wiping pb&j or egg yolk. Great as they are, my kids do not know how to differentiate the proper use of cloth towels, versus disposable towels.

Ms Sparrow said...

Maturity comes in fits and starts, and at a different pace for everyone.
Pat him on the head for me.

Gigi said...

Isn't it sweet when they start to figure these things out on their own?

Pat said...

Quite a novel idea - for a young man.

Hilary said...

Gotta love those "aha!" moments. Too bad you were on the phone. I would have paid to see the spark in his eyes. ;)

Nessa Roo said...

aw man. Last time I left a comment behind the CODE Queen, she inundated my dream blog with confusing acronyms. I wonder if she'll do it this time?

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

At moments like these, one has to take off the hat, hold it over the heart and breath a deep breath of fresh air. And breath again. The will species will survive.
Rosemary

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh, we all have such different standards. It appears that T's standards for keeping house may just have been raised a bit. My kids took several years to learn that clothes did not jump from the floor into the laundry by themselves, let alone folding. That is still a work in progress.

Douglas said...

I think you are too hard on T... I always enjoyed washing the dishes after dinner back in my first bachelor days. Of course, anything is fun if you're stoned enough.

Now I often tell Faye that she didn't wash the dishes, the dishwasher did... And then, for some unknown reason, she locks me out of the bedroom...

Camille: why can't you ladies learn to put the lid back up?

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, 'ya mean those dishes stored in the sink gotta be washed sometime? .....er...wha.... Oh, no.... ---'ya don't get away with dropping helpful hints like that, what's Lizzy Bean's phone number anyway? She won't be happy to learn that her subjects are trying to make policy changes without her approval... ":)

Pat Tillett said...

Therein lies the biggest of my pet peeves at home. When I cook, I do the dishes as I go. Whatever is used during serving and eating, I wash after the meal. When everybody else cooks, they just let the crap lie in the sink until I wash it all. Hey, I just caught on....damn them and their slyness!

Pat Tillett said...

Oops! Great story Pearl...

HermanTurnip said...

My mother once used nothing but paper plates and plastic utensils for nearly an entire year. It cut down on having to wash dishes, until my father had a conniption one night, slammed a butter knife into the table (where it stuck) screaming that he was going to leave us all ("by God!") if my mother didn't start serving his dinner on "proper, God-fearing plates!!".

Thus ended the great paper plate experiment of 1985.

NellieVaughn said...

Pancakes CANNOT be made from scratch. I am going to look this up, and if you're lying, I am going to cry.

River said...

This reminds me of the day I walked my 25 year old son into the kitchen and showed him a remarkable invention called a "tap".
(faucet)
I showed him how to turn the handle and "look! water just comes right out of the spout to rinse your plates!"
Then we both had a good laugh.
He still doesn't wash his dishes until there isn't a clean plate left.

@NellieVaughn; pancakes CAN be made from scratch. I do it every Sunday morning.

Symdaddy said...

As someone who regularly farts about in the kitchen, I find this idea of washing up AFTER cooking pretty revolutionary!

If anyone ever mentions this to my wife, I will be most annoyed!

NYEMT said...

Congratulations to T! Um - if you don't mind me asking, how old is he? I'm hoping since I have daughters, their learning curve will be just a wee bit flatter regarding dishes. At the moment we're trying a new initiative re: putting dishes IN the sink and rinsing them a bit, rather than just setting them on the counter. Also, neither of them is much for stacking, so the dishes spread along the counter like a ceramic fungus until they encroach upon the coffeepot. I'm hoping to teach them to actually LOAD the dishwasher and press "start" before they're betrothed, lest irate would-be sons-in-law arrive at my door seeking a return.

Also, I had clever remarks about your new Abercrombie troll, but you deleted her comment, rendering them pointless. Well done. :)

the walking man said...

T has succumbed to age...sad sad day for the world.

Susan in the Boonies said...

T's discovery, of course, is one of sheer brilliance.

I predict the Nobel prize committee will be giving him a little phone call very soon.

And, in the meantime, I just love going back and reading your titles, after I have read your post. More brilliance.

HermanTurnip said...

I'm nearly through "Stranger In A Strange Land" when I came across your reference of "Stinky". You haven't, by chance, read this book?

Oh, and I'm nearly through The Hunger Games (quick read, this one...my rule is to always read the book first before seeing the movie). Don't spoil it for me, okay?