I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sometimes Dreaming is Enough or Maybe It’s Time to Start Wearing Skirts

“Acme Grommets and Napkin Dispensers, Pearl speaking.”

“Yes, I’d like to order four grommets and a napkin dispenser, please.”

“Who gave you this number?”

Mary laughs.  “You did.”

I mock-threaten her under my breath.  “You made me use a perfectly good greeting.”

“It was very nice,” she says.

There is a brief silence.

“So what’s up?”

“Oh,” she says.  “You know.  Thinking about slacks and all things pants-ly.”

We’ve discussed this before.  Me, I could be described, rather unflatteringly, I think, as being from the “pear” family:  small in the middle, thighs that say “hey, how ‘bout we slather some gravy on it?”  Mary, on the other hand, is more of an “apple”.  Larger waisted, slender-legged, Mary’s body type says “I won’t wear a half-top, but check out this crazy mini-skirt.”

Apple.  Pear.  Both body shapes are lovely if one is making a fruit salad, but notoriously difficult to buy pants for.

I nod.  “I’m down to four pairs of pants:  one has a stain I think might be some weird toothpaste mutation, one has a zipper that won’t stay up – causing me to look as if I’m scratching myself inappropriately – and two of them have a gap in the back meant, I believe, for grapefruit smuggling.

“I’m telling you,” I say.  “Shopping for new trousers is one of my least favorite things to do.

“A gal could get chafed,” she concedes. “We need to fight the power.  We need to join forces.”

The line goes dead as I stare out the window and consider joining a movement headed up by Mary. I swallow, square my shoulders.

“I’ll do it,” I say. 

“Excellent,” she says.  “Remember the 60s and the bra-burning movement?”

I frown.  “Not personally, no.”

She laughs.  “Are you sure?”

I puff up, false dignity firmly in place.  “I just acquired breasts last year.”

“Hmm,” she murmurs.  “So you did.  So you did.”

“Shaddap,” I say, pleasantly.

I can hear a smile creep over Mary’s face. “I want to burn our pants.” 

“Go on.”

“In a big pile, maybe in front of Macy’s.”

“Go on.”

“We’re gonna need a slogan or something, something we can shout at passers-by.”

There is silence.

“I know,” I say.  “How about one leg two leg zipper fly!  Shopping for pants can make me cry!”

“Nice,” she says.  “I was thinking, too.  How about: What do we want?  Pants!  When do we want them?  Now!  How much will we be willing to spend?  Not too much but we’re willing to pay for quality!”

Our grins slide along the telephone lines.  “I like it,” I say.  “There’s a certain arrhythmia going on that makes me happy.”

The line goes silent.

“OK,” Mary says.  “So we’re in agreement?”

I nod.  “Right.  Macy’s at noon.  Bring yer pants.”

The line goes silent again.

“We’re not really going to burn our pants, are we?” she says.

“No,” I say.

“Still,” she says.  “I feel better, don’t you?”

I smile.  “I do.”

“Have a good day,” she says.

“You, too,” I say.

43 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

I hate buying pants too! Well I hate shopping. I dont mind buying.

I seem to always be betwixt sizes and tend to buy small thinking I'll lose those couple pounds needed to squeeze into them.

And I never do so I make them stretch to fit me.

That gentleman's lady said...

It's spring! Bring on the skirts and the dresses. One of the reasons I love this time of the year. That, and the weather. Hugs Pearl!

Holly said...

I'm a pear and I definitely have a pair or two of grapefruit smuggling pants. We should learn to sew our own pants, you and I. While drinking Mai Tais. And smoking Marlboros. We would be awesome.

Leenie said...

Burn those britches! Just remember to skirt the issue first.

esbboston said...

Something from my wife back in December of '09

"When I get my new underwear, I'm gonna have me an underwear burning party. It'll be a small party: just me, my old hole-y underwear, a trash can, a can of lighter fluid, - and a match"

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I never used to feel antipathy towards pants, but lately I do. I'm in.

NellieVaughn said...

I hate shopping for pants. They look great on the rack, but then you take them into a dressing room with the most unflattering light. Every donut I have ever had just shows up, and they laugh at me.

Sioux said...

They need to size pants so we know what to look for.

"Wide flat butt, poochy gut" size.

"Bubble butt and a gut to match" size.

"No hips and no gut" bitch sized.

Daisy said...

I'm with Holly ... let's have a sewing party!

CarrieBoo said...

Don't get me started on pants! Or thighs, for that matter. And what is up with these American sizes... how can somebody be a size 0? That's pants that is.

BamaTrav said...

Take me with you when you buy bra's.

- Signed
Lips and hands

R. Jacob said...

I only buy pants for work. Shorts ma'am are only worn here. If you look close at your screen...

L-Kat said...

I hate buying pants. Which is why I wear a lot of dresses. I'll join your pants-burning movement!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

When they come up with a pair that fits my fat gut and stovepipe legs I'll be first in line.

Belle said...

I'm a pear too. Pants are always too big in the waist if I want them to cover my hips. I always have to sew in the side seams of the waist - even in jeans. I don't mind, after years of doing it it's become easy.

fishducky said...

I didn't know pants were supposed to fit!!

Joanne said...

If I find a par that fits, I buy two. Wear them to death. They will be totally out of style before I need to replace them, and I don't care.

jenny_o said...

Sometimes planning a protest is more satisfying than doing it anyway. And hopefully there are fewer police involved.

I dislike pants too, but on me the alternatives look worse :)

Great post!

mrwriteon said...

As a mere male I'm not sure how to respond to this -- so I'll refrain. However, I will add voice (again being male) to the favorability of skirts and flimsy summertime frocks and all such items.

Scarlet Blue said...

I'm a pear and a midget, so I give up and wear leggings and a pretty long top.
To be honest, all tops look like dresses on me :-(
Sx

Ms Sparrow said...

I gave up decades ago and settled into my polyester pants with the elastic waist. I know, some people mock them but what's a gal to do when you have no butt, scrawny legs and a big belly?

Roshni said...

I'm pear-shaped too! :(
Dresses with tall boots really do help!

Mr. Charleston said...

This whole idea of describing yourself as a fruit got me thinking... about me. A look in the mirror convinces me said fruity description is impossible, at least not by any fruit I've ever seen. It would be more like a fruit with accoutrements... say a banana with an inner-tube around its waist? Naw, even the thought makes me ill.

Busana Muslim said...

Thanks lot for this useful article, nice post

jabblog said...

Zips? You can do up zips? My waist is wasted and can only be accommodated with elasticated waists - but that's all going to change . . .

ThreeOldKeys said...

nothin' cheers me up like a good pant rant.

Joshua said...

Oh that Mary and her pants.

Glen said...

Find one pair you like and buy six of them. sorted

bill lisleman said...

thanks for sharing your revolution plans. Slogan - how about "we're so hot we'll burn your pants" ?
Oh you could heat good gravy over that fire.

Joanna Jenkins said...

“I just acquired breasts last year.” Hahahahaha!

This was absolutely awesome, Pearl. I wouldn't actually burn my pants either but I know exactly what you're talking about.

Loved this! xo jj

Gigi said...

You may just have started a nation-wide revolution and I'm IN!

I want to know what happened to the Petite department pants? Apparently, all the "petite" (such a nice term for us short folks, doncha think?) people have gotten a helluva lot taller lately. Every damn time I buy pants anymore I have to have them hemmed at least three inches. What the hell is up with that, I ask you?!

vanilla said...

Aw, gwan; bonfire in front of Macy's.

Eva Gallant said...

Now I'll never be able to look at fruit again without thinking of you and Mary! You two crack me up!

Dee Ready said...

Dear Pearl, . . . oh the gift of wonderful friends who understand where we're coming from! Peace.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Which Macy's? Cause I will be there. I will bring the matches. I'll make some signs....please? Let's do it! As an apple shoved onto the top of a pear, and tall on top of it all (or perhaps that would be the bottom of it all), I rarely find pants that fit. Really....is it too much to ask?

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Pants aren't nearly as much fun to buy as they used to be. Low-risers? REALLY? Like I WANT that extra belly to hang over the top? I mean, that's just oh-so attractive.

HermanTurnip said...

I'm more of an upside down gourd. It's impossible to find clothes on the rack that fit me. Wide shoulders mean that most sleeves are too short. 'Tis a curse. Oh, and genetic. Genetics and a curse...

Diane said...

Okay, don't laugh. I have to buy my pants in the men's department. Sigh. Why do they look so good on men, but not on me?! So I buy long tops. Provided the pants stay up, no one sees them. Everyone is happy.

Crystal Pistol said...

Pants are mean crotch pinchers. Pants will be the first to squeal when you've injested too many bacon strips.

DOWN WITH PANTS!

Linda O'Connell said...

You show me a Macy's that has a pair to fit me, and I will be there. I hate shopping for hippo pants.

River said...

Like Mary, I'm thick waisted and slim legged, I'm also short, so pants buying is a nightmare. If I buy to fit my waist the thighs of the pants are too big by several sizes, so I usually settle for elastic waists or mens jeans. Either way I have to shorten all pants by six inches.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Pants are almost too painful for me to contemplate.
Every day I dread facing my closet.
That's what not doing yoga and sitting in front of the computer and baking chocolate cake will do to a girl.
I'm down with yer protest.
We have a Macy's in Nashville.
If you and Mary and I leave at the same time, you and Mary may have to wait a bit...but I'll be there.

Symdaddy said...

After due consideration and having contemplated the possible dangers attached to the burning of ones pants, I think it's only right and proper that I warn you of the following:

a) There are some big butts covered by continent-sized bed sheet pants out there that could, if the wind is unfavourable, cause half the city to go up in flames. Therefore don't allow the big-butted ladies join you little movement.

b) Don't forget to remove your pants before ignition! A singed 'wah-wah' could put you out of any future bedroom Olympics!

c) Can I hold you handbags whilst you remove your pants? Puh-leeeeezeh?