Friday, March 9, 2012
My Theory on Age, Weight Gain, Women, and The Health Benefits of Swimming
Ladies and gentlemen, cats and kittens, we’ve done it again. It’s another Friday, another splendid weekend looms, and we wonder once again what it holds.
If only there was a way of knowing…
But wait! Surely you’ve heard? My iPod, set on “shuffle” and played during my morning commute, knows all, tells some.
Oh, play along. I have so little.
Nausea by Beck
Panic by Caravan Palace
Jungle Love by Steve Miller Band
Supertheory of Supereverything by Gogol Bordello
Play for Real by The Crystal Method
Spy vs Spy by Combustible Edison
Mandinka by Sinead O’Connor
The Right Profile by The Clash
Hmmm. A particularly suspicious looking line-up. Nausea, panic, jungle love? What is this, high school?
And just like high school, I've taken up thinking again... You’re gonna love this because, well, let’s see now, I’ve been working on it for a good 30, 45 minutes and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it nailed.
Here it is.
The reason women so easily gain weight as they get older – and no, I’m not talking about me! or you, for that matter! – is that once they reach a certain age, the Tribe, whoever the Tribe may be, realizes that said woman is no longer bearing children, has slowed down a bit, and has accumulated enough knowledge so as to be a pain in the hairy backside of whoever is running this here outfit.
At some point, she will be lured out onto the ice, where she will be set adrift.
The extra poundage? It’s to give her a fighting chance of getting off that iceberg.
All of this occurred to me on the bus this morning, when a rude, lanky young man pushed past me with all the indolent sneering of one who has yet to contemplate his own mortality.
He’s not aware of it, but I suspect that in the back of his tiny, wrinkled brain, there is an ice floe with my name on it.
It’s just a theory.
Now if you’ll excuse me – and should anyone need me – I will be hiding in the elevator bank, lying in wait for the pink-cheeked young things working their way up the corporate ladder.
They’re younger than I am, but they’re soft and they’re naive.
And I’ve been training for this for years.
Because before they lure me toward the open water?
I’m gonna get their lunch.