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Monday, March 12, 2012

I Say We Just Hold 'im Down and Remove the Leg Entirely

A weekend with far too much in it:   The Boy's gig Friday night, a cousins' reunion Saturday night, a concert Sunday.  The following is from March, 2011.  I still think it's funny...

If you’re ever in the area, I insist you meet Mary and Jon.

Mary, of course, you already know. Quicker witted than the average bear, able to clean your place for a mere $18/hour, if you ever see me wiping my eyes while bent double laughing, you’ll know Mary’s near.

Jon is her boyfriend. Jon is a special man, built, it appears, just for Mary. Like many women, Mary can be driven to the edge by her boyfriend’s lackadaisical attitudes toward the dirt/snow/engine grease he tracks into the house – and Jon laughs, in the good-natured, taunting way that we reserve for those we love; and she, after sweeping up and beating him with a broom, laughs too.

Jon and Mary tell the best stories.

You know how some people’s allusions to stories are sometimes better than the stories themselves?

This is never the case with Jon and Mary. When Mary says, “Jon, tell Pearl about the time you used a front-end loader to drop several tons of snow into the neighbor’s yard”, well, you’re going to want to turn your phone off, make sure your smokes are in reach, maybe have a towel handy for wiping your eyes.

Same applies for the home surgery story.

Oh, come now! We all know people who’ve had surgery performed at home, don’t we? I myself once removed a skin tag from under my right arm with nothing but a nail clipper and my own steely determination.

But I got nothin’ on Jon.

So sit here, won’t you, next to me, and let’s listen to Jon’s story:

“Jon!” Mary shouts from across the room. “Tell Pearl about the time you developed Zombie Leg.”

Jon frowns. “Zombie leg…” he mutters, rolling the words off his tongue, his eyes staring up and off into the distance. He is looking for a connection.

“Remember?” she prompts. “The spider bite?”

Jon laughs. “Oh, yeah! Right! The spider bite.” He smiles, lights a cigarette. An ashtray in the shape of a motorcycle engine is on the coffee table in front of him, and he lays the lighter next to it.

“So I’m washing the truck, right?” he says. “In a car wash, one of those places where you do it yourself. And there in the corner of the bay was this enormous spider’s web; so as I’m finishing and the water pressure is dying down, I give it a good spray, clean it out, right?”

He pauses. Takes a hit off his cigarette.

“And I’ll be damned if this spider doesn’t shoot out, bite me a good three, four inches above the ankle! I mean, hot damn if that didn’t hurt!”

He takes another drag from his cigarette, lays it in the ashtray.

“I’d been bit before, got bit in the neck in Florida, so I knew I was in for some trouble; but at first it wasn’t that bad.”

He picks up his cigarette. “At first.”

“At first? Why, the very next day,” Mary jumps in, “he’s getting out of the tub, comes into the living room, and says to me “Does this look funny to you?” And there, where the spider had bit him, is a lump the size of a golf ball, right on top of his shin!”

Jon nods, inhales. “A golf ball,” he repeats. “A big ol’ lump. So I let it go a couple weeks –“

“Wait,” I say. “You let it go? It’s already the size of a golf ball?”

“We don’t have medical insurance,” Mary interjects.

“SO I LET IT GO A COUPLE WEEKS,” Jon says, giving us both the Evil Eye, “and the damn leg really starts to hurt. I mean, it’s turning colors.”

“It did,” Mary whispers, “it really did.”

Jon looks at her sideways but continues. “So Dan – the neighbor Dan? – his wife’s a doctor. Yeah, a real doctor. I mean, Dan’s not, but he comes over, takes one look at my leg and says, Man, you are going to die.”

I look at Mary, who pulls an imaginary zipper across her lips.

“So I go to the pharmacy, right? I mean, they have to have something that will clear this up, right? So I walk in there, pull my pant leg up to show the pharmacist and this old guy gets mad! Tells me, Get out of here!” Jon laughs. “I mean, I’ve been thrown out of places, but never a pharmacy!”

“It looked like a zombie leg,” Mary whispers. I look over at Jon, who winks at me. I look back to Mary. “Seriously. He even dragged the thing around, it hurt so bad.” She shakes her head, lights her own cigarette. “A zombie leg.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jon says, winking at me. “A zombie leg. ANYway, the leg’s color is all wrong by this time. It goes from green to blue to purple, finally turning black. By now, it’s all the way down to my foot and I can barely walk on the thing.” Jon takes a long drink from the Fresca in front of him, lays his cigarette back into the ashtray. “I give Dan a call, who gets his wife’s medical bag, and he comes over.”

I shoot a look at Mary, who nods, bright-eyed, eyebrows raised.

Jon is silent.

“Well?!” I shout. “What happened?”

Jon arches his back, rolls his head from one shoulder to the other.

“I died,” he says.

“Shut up,” Mary says. “You did not.” She turns to me. “They cut it open. Right there in the kitchen. Dan pulls out a scalpel and goes, You hold his leg down, and I’m like, Oh, no you don’t!" Mary shudders visibly. "I left."

Jon laughs. “Mary couldn’t take the heat. She had to get out of the kitchen.”

“Wait, now,” I say. “What happened?”

Jon picks up his cigarette. “Dan cut it open,” he says. He pulls on the cigarette, exhales smoke toward the ceiling. “He cut it open and took out this big black ball of blood or something. I don’t know. All I know is it was pure relief.”

He laughs. “Went to a doctor a couple days later, just to make sure we got all of it. Shoulda seen his face when I told him who did the surgery. His eyes went all big and round. He tells me, stay right here, I’ll be right back. He takes off, probably going to get his doctor buddies and I just thought, aw, screw this. I left before he could get back.”

Jon takes a hit off his cigarette and smiles. “Whole leg was back to its normal color in about three weeks.”

He stands up, stretches.

“So we goin' to Chipotle or what? Who wants Chipotle?”


Kate Mohler said...

That is funny!

Pearl said...

Kate, they're funny people. :-)

vanilla said...

Yep, still funny!

Pearl said...

vanilla, thank you,sir. :-)

savannah said...

are they from down south, sugar??? i swear, all i needed to read was, and then bubba said... LMBO!!! xoxoxoxo

terlee said...

Besides laughing, I also had several bouts of the "eeewwww" factor.

Simply Suthern said...

I think folks go to the doctor too much anywho. This is a great example for home remedies. They should sell home surgery kits.

Has he tried slinging a web or climbing a wall since?

R. Jacob said...

I love Mary stories.

subscribe to comments is missing!
fix please!!

esbboston said...

Gauging by the amount of coughing I'm doing, volume of tears in my eyes and several other forms of physical bodily contortions and hurts, this is one of the funniest things I have ever read, the whole laughter per words density factor is on the right, very right end of the scale... no your other right. Or perhaps you caught me off-guard pre-coffee.

CarrieBoo said...

And I thought my husband was bad removing something stuck inside the sole of his foot with a utility knife (we have OHIP here, too). Zombie leg... LOL! That almost made me want to smoke. ;)

Vicus Scurra said...

Cut it open? Didn't have a shotgun?

fishducky said...

No sense going to a doctor when there's a doctor's husband close by who's willing to help. Please tell John that my husband's an attorney so I'd be glad to help him with any legal problems he might have.

Leenie said...

I'm with Simply Suthern. I want to know if he can shoot webs out of his fingers and climb tall buildings to save Mary now...or at least kill zombies with his eyes.

L-Kat said...

They sound awesome! I have Toasted Skin Syndrome leg, but I'm going to start calling it Zombie Leg. :)

Brian Miller said...

oh damn...that zombie legs story is a zinger...my wife when she danced ballet, i used to have to drill her toenails to relieve all the pressure of the bruise underneath and drain them....closed i got...

Glen said...

being one of those people who feints in sex ed - I have to say ughhhmjhhjhhhjhj

jenny_o said...

I remembered the ewwwy parts from last time, so I shut my eyes for those this time around. It's good to be forewarned that it's a re-post when it's a bloody one - even a bloody good one, which this one definitely is :)

Pearl said...

savannah, funny you should mention that, but Jon knew all about spider zombie leg from having lived in Florida. :-)

terlee, those are the best stories, don't you think? The ones with laughs AND ewwwwwws? :-)

Simply, he doesn't sling webs, but he does need more than one pair of sunglasses now. :-)

R., I'll take a look,. but blogger's being weird. I certainly didn't take it off!!

esb, how ever it happened, I'll take it. :-) And I'll let Mary and Jon know. I'm tellin' ya, esb, they have the BEST stories...

carrieboo, felt like ya should've had a smoke after that story, didn't it? :-)

Vicus scurra, guns are dangerous. :-) We believe in knives and spiders as weapons.

fishducky, you made me laugh with that! Yeah, the first time they told me that story I had to stop them, "Wait -- his WIFE's a doctor so HE's going to help???"

Leenie, he DOES have a look that I think can drill through cement. Wonder if that's a result of Zombie Leg?

L-Kat, "Zombie Leg" just has finesse, doesn't it? :-)

Brian, oddly enough, I have a toe-drilling story... Hmm. :-) THanks for the reminder.

Glen, I would love to see you feint in Sex Ed. :-)

Pearl said...

jenny-o, I only wish you could've heard it live. :-) Between the "ewww!"s and the laughter, I could hardly sit up straight.

jenny_o said...

gold star for your reply to Glen

jenny_o said...

... and to Glen for setting you up :)

Pearl said...

jenny-o, I do love a good straight man. :-)

Suldog said...

Great story, but it always is when I come here. You're a hoot. Good to have friends who can entertain so thoroughly, and with laughs, too. God bless 'em.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

That couple sounds like one we'd all enjoy knowing. Ah well, I reckon we'll just have to settle for getting to know them second-hand from you. Great story.

Dee Ready said...

Dear Pearl,
I felt myself grinning wider and wider as Jon told his story. He and his story remind me of the ones told by Ole in Minnesota. Wonderful stories told by storytellers who are really saying, "No big deal!"

Thank you for the laugher.


Gigi said...

I remember this one - and still love it. But I'm with Mary, I would have left the kitchen too!

Diane said...

I thought you were going to say that it was full of spiders. Ick. But it's like his leg gave birth to a black, bloody lump thing. Oooo. We could get such a horror story from that . . .

Shrinky said...

Gawd, they sure breed 'em tough around your neck of the woods (I'm scared to ask what he does for an encore)..

I love how you write!

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Shucks, and here I thought the spider-alien was being born right on the kitchen table..... Too bad. Funny story though..":)

Crack You Whip said...

So funny! Totally made my day!

Ms Sparrow said...

I'm so relieved to learn you're just busy and not down with something dreadful! Feel free to go back to what you were doing!

ThreeOldKeys said...

awww, what a sweet tale of friendship.

i'm thinkin' it would make a lovely Hallmark Hall of Fame special.

kt said...

Awh, Mannnnn! He could have lost his entire leg or possibly his life!.........

Tom G. said...

Clearly it was the antiseptic properties of Fresca that saved him.

Bodacious Boomer said...

I just read this aloud to Doug. He threw up in his mouth...

Crystal Pistol said...

When I don't have time to read blogs I miss yours the most. :)

In addition, I really enjoy the salads at Chipotle.

River said...

I remember this story! After reading about you cutting off your own skin tag, I tried cutting off mine. It bled like I'd severed an artery, then grew back with a twin right next to it! I'm not doing that ever again!

The Elephant's Child said...

Loved it then, love it now. Thank you.

Pat said...

Yes that's one of the ones that take my power of speech away.