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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Have You Asked Your Other Clothing?

“Good morning, Acme Grommets and Gravel.  This is Pearl.”

“Where are my pants?”

It’s T.  In Florida.  Frowning, I look out the window.  Yes.  I am still in Minnesota.

“Have you just called me, 1400 miles away, to ask me where your pants are?”

There is the distinct sound of rooting.  Voice muffled by what I can only guess to be the interior of his closet, he grunts. “I thought you might have an idea of where they’d run off to, you with the intimate knowledge of homicidal socks.”

It’s true that I had recently divulged my theory on disappearing socks and their possibly murderous mates – still, there was no reason to get testy.

“Don’t get crabby on me, Mister I Can Lay My Hands On My Stuff If I Need To.  I know where my pants are.”

We’ve had discussions, he and I, regarding his housekeeping skills.  Suffice it to say he once found a snowball in his freezer.

“Have you considered asking your other pants?”

He smiles, I am sure of it. “My other pants aren’t speaking to me.  Don’t ask me why.”

“Why?”

“I told you, don’t ask me why.”  His hand abruptly cups the mouthpiece.  “I don’t know for certain,” he hisses, “but I think they’re in cahoots with my long-sleeved shirts.”

I laugh.  “Do you even wear long-sleeved shirts anymore?”

“No,” he whispers.  “And I only wear pants to work.” 

T stands up, a sound identified by another grunt.  In my mind’s eye, I imagine he’s finished searching the floor of his closet.

“Dang it,” he says.  “Those are my only green chef’s pants, and I was going to wear them for St. Patrick’s Day.”

There is silence.

“All right, then,” he says.  “Thanks anyway, but I gotta go.”

I smile and hope he hears it.  “Give your other pants my best,” I say.

35 comments:

esbboston said...

I am pretending to be Irish so I can pretend to celebrate St Patrick's Day.

Pearl said...

esb, my grandmother was "Scot-Irish". I can explain quite a few of my traits with this...

Chantel said...

I passed three leprechauns and a gnome-ish fellow on the corner this morning as I was going for scones. I swear, if they all banded together we could be in trouble.

oh, and if my pants talk to your pants, does that make us intimate? What about lingerie....are there rules for this kinda thing?

Pearl said...

Chantel, the ways of clothing are strange and wonderful. I can tell you everything I know for three margaritas.

C... said...

Typical of a guy to lose even his pants.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Would those be GREEN margaritas? My jeans have been on a rampage lately..ask him if he's seen the black ones will you?

Pearl said...

C, they're funny that way, aren't they? :-)

Delores, YES. Yes, indeedy. We'll put out an APB on the black jeans, but don't be surprised if those single socks got a hold of them...

terlee said...

Hmmm. I think I saw a pair of green pants hanging around a tight green dress earlier today. It looked like they'd already started celebrating St Paddy's Day.

T may never see those pants again, judging by what I saw those two doing...

Joanne said...

OK, poor T wore the other pants to work today. I'd really love to know how you know him. I havn't tracked that down, yet, unless he's the hijacker you tackled and rescued your sister's t-shirt. I really do pay a lot of attention.

jenny_o said...

My goodness, T's closet sounds like mine. I can't find anything either.

So you're saying it's the socks' fault? Whew! That's a relief - I thought it was me!

jenny_o said...

And - Happy St. Patrick's Day to ye!

Holly said...

I just realized that the voices that I thought were in my head may actually be coming from my underwear drawer.

bill lisleman said...

I hate it when my pants talk back to me.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, you should have let Liz Bean Bitey talk to him.
That would have smartened him up post haste or put him in a catatonic state so he would have been able to figure out where his Irish pants went.
We could have a contest about where those delinquent pants went, I vote they got themselves to Ireland...where they have Irish Whiskey, we should go see, and raise a glass to St. Patrick; besides, those leprechauns all have little green pants, they could be helpful... ":)

Pearl said...

Terlee, I love that. For the sake of amusement, I'm going to be thinking of T's pants with that tight green dress. I think they would both enjoy that.

Joanne, T and I have known each other for a very long time. Until just a couple years ago, he lived in Minneapolis. I miss him!

Jenny-o, I think it would frighten us all to know how often something is the fault of a single sock...

Holly, I'm willing to buy that. :-)

bill, HA! You should hear what they say behind your back!

Raymond, :-) A talk with Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) will straighten out just about everybody...

esbboston said...

I have some Scottish, and English & German background. Some would guess 25% Martian.

Douglas said...

You should have answered with "Wherever you dropped them on the floor the last time you wore them" as my mother often responded to that question.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

A leprechaun with an overactive pituitary gland stole 'em.

Roses said...

In my household, when the laundry situation gets desperate (as it has now), my socks and pants terrorize the Cat. Chasing her round the room. The noise is quite unbearable in the middle of the night. But once they settle down, it's all a bit of a love-in, until the house-plants start bitching about how thirsty they are...

Shelly said...

Speaking of missing clothing, I really think Rapper's Chick from your post yesterday stole my outfit, judging from your description of it. Next time you see her, can you ask for it back for me? It's hard to find good teaching clothes.

fishducky said...

I have no problem with my clothes talking to themselves or to me--if they would just stop YELLING!!

esbboston said...

My mother called me today, and she got your book that I sent her. She loves it, said she laughed til she cried!

&^)

Gigi said...

I totally get T's dilemma. I am currently not speaking to several items of clothing at the moment....as they have decided to form a rebellion and refuse to fit properly.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Yeah! And where the hell are MY pants, by the way?! I know I'm in New Jersey, but where are they? Harrumph.

I married into an Irish family. Do you think THAT was easy? Well...Do you?!.

Susan said...

Hi Pearl....Hope by the time you read this the missing pants will have been found!

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and commenting, too! Nice of you to visit. Susan

Juli said...

My money's on the Leprechauns.

They sneak into the house and steal them in the middle of the night... along with iPods, watches, car keys and the phone number to the doctor you were supposed to make that appointment with two weeks ago. :)

The Elephant's Child said...

I am stuck on pants that aren't speaking to a person. The sort of crime that would have that outcome is obviously worth a post of its own. Or a life sentence. Or something.

Gina Gao said...

This is a really great post. I like your blog, it has great writing in it.

www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

Jocelyn said...

What Gina Gao said.

Plus: I don't actually know what happened to the pants, but I'd look immediately to the gaggle of bras in the corner, circling themselves protectively but quietly high-fiving their DDs when no one's looking.

Tempo said...

In Australia 'rooting' means something altogether different... Just saying.
..and where else would you keep your snowballs? I'd have a stash waiting for summer so I could issue a few paybacks...

River said...

You have some weird and wonderful friends Pearl. Hopefully most of them still have their pants.

Scarlet Blue said...

I've been meaning to ask you, have you seen my socks?
Sx

the walking man said...

I have his pants and if you don't mind...tell him thanks, they are now shorts and they fit just fine.

R. Jacob said...

ah yes, it is true. Pants are only used for work. If I didn't work, I would be wearing shorts and walking barefoot all day. It is the Florida way!

BECKY said...

Pearl, MY husband has been asking me those dumb questions for YEARS! And he gets aggravated when I don't know where HIS clothes are!!
And did I hear Scot-Irish...another thing we have in common!